Mil claiming to be a orphan at 54.

[Thedarksideofthemoon30]

Sorry, I’m really annoyed and upset.

I’m 30 and my mum died when I was 19. My dad had a life changing stroke when I was 16, which caused him to lose his voice, leg, arm and gave him slight brain damage. He lives in assisted living now.

My husbands grandad died before Xmas, I completely understand it’s her dad and she would be devastated but she’s been wishing him dead for years.

Aibu to think that 1, you are lucky to have many years with your parents and 2, you aren’t a fucking orphan.

Argh.

If both parents are dead then she is an orphan. I would change things if I could but both of my dear parents are dead and I am an orphan. Do show a little kindness.

Losing a mother very young is known to affect a child adversely.
But was she not just saying
“I’m an orphan”
Technically?

I was bloody annoyed when a certain woman stated on TV that she had “
Lost her father “
When patently he was still alive and keen for contact.

It’s quite different losing parents when one is older.

Maybe it was a little bit insensitive but she has just lost a parent. Her last surviving parent, even if her relationship with them was complicated.

She may be grieving the relationship she would have liked to have had with them as there is now no longer any possibility of a rapprochement. She probably does now feel somewhat adrift.

So on that basis I'm afraid I do think you are still being unreasonable.

My own Dad died at the end of March. I do still have my mother although she too is in her late eighties, a smoker and with mounting health concerns. She and my Dad totally interdepended on each other and I now have to face the strong enough possibility that she might not go on for very much longer without him.

I'm also 54. I can already see that when my last parents dies I may well feel a bit rootless.

Your MIL may not technically be an orphan in the way that most people interpret the word, but I can see where she is coming from.

You need to cut her some slack.

We tend to think of orphans as children, adults care for themselves , generally, and don’t rely on parents for protection, shelter and care.
We talk of orphan children, not orphan adults.

Sorry OP but why are you begrudging the way she's grieving her parent, it isn't a competition on who has the most right to be sad

@BrumBoo

I think I know where you're coming from op, though I think you may be focusing on the wrong thing. The fact is, you feel like you've had to grow up very quickly, actually losing one parent fully when still technically a child, and another being so very unwell. It must be grating hearing someone use what must have sounded like a somewhat juvenile term about losing a parent, when one can assume from the ages mentioned her parents lived to an 'accepted' age.

Ultimately though, she's lost a parent. People deal with it in different ways, and she's reflective of her self - no longer someone's child. I think at any age, that is a difficult feeling to deal with. Even if you didn't like the parent, you always on some level want to be someone's child and feel 'looked after' by a parent. Any of us who've lost a parent under any circumstance can understand that, how vulnerable you can feel when you realise you mum/dad isn't coming back. So whilst I don't think you're unreasonable about the term 'orphan', I do think some understanding about the feelings behind it is needed here.

I get this, I was fortunate enough to have both my parents until I was in my fifties. I am an only child of only children so no aunts/ uncles etc and when my dad died I did suddenly realise that there was no one left that remembered me as a child/ teenager and it really gave me a right jolt !!

Your mother in law is an orphan and you're not. How nice for you.

She's an orphan, you aren't. She's allowed to say she is if she wants to. We've all at some point known someone we didn't like, if they died you'd probably still feel sad. Don't question her grief.

When I had lost both my parents (as an adult) I realised that I was an 'orphan'. I would never have said it out loud to anyone as that's a term normally reserved for children, but I did think it and wonder about being the oldest in the family.
I'm sorry that you've had it hard in losing your Mum so young OP (and in many ways your Dad) but grief hits us all in different ways. It's also worth noting that complicated bereavements (where you had a difficult relationship with the person) can be very hard to navigate.

I lost my Mum in childhood, my Dad in my 30’s and my wonderful stepmum in my 40’s. I very much suddenly felt like an orphan by then. It was an awful feeling of being alone in the world without an ‘elder’ family member left.
So YABU. You don’t get to decide how losing a parent, even one you didn’t get on with, makes you feel.

 @Justcallmebebes

Yabu. No matter what age you are, losing both parents can have a profound effect.

You've had a lot to deal with and lost your Mum at a young age.
But I still think YABU. It doesn't matter how many years someone has their parent for, it's never long enough. It's always too soon.

When my second parent died when I was 42, I was absolutely bereft. I found the feeling of being alone without parents terrifying. I felt orphaned. It's going to take me a very long time to adjust to the new situation without either parent.

Nothing prepared me for the loss of the second parent and that aloneness.

You object to her use of the word orphan which is normally used for children who have lost both parents. But I think you are being far too harsh on her. She wished him dead but that doesn't mean she wouldn't mourn his loss.
You don't sound very pleasant at all to be honest with you. You seem to lack empathy.

Grief is not a competition.

No matter how old you are when you lose your parents it's somewhat unsettling when they are both dead. I hate my father and actively wish him dead but it will be weird when he's not alive as my mother has been dead for years.

It's the same when friends' mothers pass away, I feel affronted that they are so upset as I feel at least they knew their mothers but that's my problem and their grief is understandable but does not diminish mine and how I feel about their loss.

It depends on how she's saying it. Is it all the time, trying to make people feel sorry for her, or was it a one off remark? My dad was 56 when his mother died, and I remember him saying sadly, "I'm an orphan now". It was a one off thought.

It sounds as though you are projecting your pain onto her. It is not a competition.

It sounds like she had an awful time with her dad.Why would you consider her lucky?

MIL sounds over dramatic.
Just ignore her.
If that's how she describes it then OK. I wouldn't call her an orphan,.

The death of a parent you had a difficult or complex relationship with can be harder to process sometimes than if you'd been close, as there's a lot of extra emotional baggage involved. For that alone YABU. Her dad has died. Let the poor woman deal with it as she wishes, it takes nothing away from you or your experiences

This in a nutshell, and I'm sorry for your losses too OP

@imalmostthere

I don't think it needs to be a competition... both her parents have passed and she's understandably upset, it doesn't really matter what ages, it's still a horrible loss. As is yours.

Yes.

MIL is being way too dramatic. Orphan is reserved for children who have lost both parents. Not someone in their 50s. It sounds ridiculous.

I get this, I was fortunate enough to have both my parents until I was in my fifties. I am an only child of only children so no aunts/ uncles etc and when my dad died I did suddenly realise that there was no one left that remembered me as a child/ teenager and it really gave me a right jolt !!

Absolutely. Your past becomes just your memories, no one to fondly remember you when you were young and 'perfect' in their eyes. Someone's baby. You don't realise what it is to be someones child until they're gone. It can be worse when you had a bad relationship, not only you're grieving a loss of a parent, you're grieving the relationship you never had, and often the lack of closure that comes with it. It's not top trumps of heartache of course, just different.

I'm sorry you lost your mother when you were so young - that must have been terribly hard for you. And I agree using the term orphan is a little unusual for someone in your MIL's position.

But she is grieving too - human relationships are complicated - and the fact that you didn't get on with someone when they were alive further complicates things - you don't have happy memories to comfort you, and a part of the grief will be for the relationship you wish you had had with them.

MIL is being way too dramatic. Orphan is reserved for children who have lost both parents. Not someone in their 50s. It sounds ridiculous

It's not, adult orphan is a well known and well used term, and we don't tend to call people whose parents die "dramatic and ridiculous". Unless we're twats anyway.

Wow. You’re pissed off at someone because they have lost both parents? Have a word with your self