Mil claiming to be a orphan at 54.

[Thedarksideofthemoon30]

Sorry, I’m really annoyed and upset.

I’m 30 and my mum died when I was 19. My dad had a life changing stroke when I was 16, which caused him to lose his voice, leg, arm and gave him slight brain damage. He lives in assisted living now.

My husbands grandad died before Xmas, I completely understand it’s her dad and she would be devastated but she’s been wishing him dead for years.

Aibu to think that 1, you are lucky to have many years with your parents and 2, you aren’t a fucking orphan.

Argh.

YANBU. My mum died when I was 23 and my dad when I was 34, and then my sibling a month ago. It's always awful when people lose a parent, but particularly when you are young, because you mourn the things that they will miss out on; your wedding, grandchildren, graduations, etc.

I have a step auntie who plays bereavement top trumps to the nth degree. With the death of my brother I now have no parents, grandparents, or siblings - I'm the top of the tree at 48, and as I don't have kids and a lot of my family either died early or didn't have kids, there are very few left - just some of my mum's cousins, and a couple of first cousins, only one of whom I see. I said that I felt very alone, and had lost a lot of memories when my brother died. She said "yes, I've lost all my brothers I know just how you feel". She's got kids, grandkids, a husband and two sisters, lost her brothers in her sixties and she's 78 - she really doesn't have a fucking clue how I feel. But, if I go to the moon she's been there twice.

I am the oldest in the family now (my parents died in their 70s). I would not tend to call myself an orphan as that usually means a little child where both parents have died although I suppose it might be technically correct.

I don't see how she's being insensitive to you, really. I have a lot of sympathy for your situation, but she's also allowed to grieve no matter what her age.

And for what it's worth, my DM also had an extremely turbulent relationship with her father (lots of abuse in childhood) and she wished him dead many times too. However, grief is complex, and his death definitely still did affect her.

The lose of parents are any stage in life is hard

She's lucky to have got to her age with both parents still around.

She's an adult not an orphan.

As described, it's unreasonable, but understandably so. Grief is complicated, so are relationships & sometimes it's the little things like this sort of comments and mixed relationships that hurt the most.

My spouse's step-father, mother, and father died within a year of each other in his early thirties. He had only seen his father a handful of time since he was 6. He once said in the lead up to the last funeral, reflectively, that he was an orphan now - similar to how magicstar1 said of her father. Maybe some would see that as dramatic, but I viewed as part of him processing in his grief.

I've no idea if my mother is alive or dead. I've had that 'is she alive or dead' question hanging over me most of the time since I was 15 (younger if we count the times I wasn't sure she'd wake up). I'm not sure how to quantify how many years I had with her or my father - that's hard when your parents are addicts - and while I've never called myself an orphan, I know others in similar positions who do. It's part of how they process not having that parent-child connection as a child, accepting that they probably don't have those memories and other things people have spoken about from their parents. It might not be entirely accurate, but we don't really words for describing the many different ways to lose that relationship.

I’m pushing 54 and my DF died a month ago. In the face of the loss I feel like a small child. Am I lucky to have got 54 years with him? Yes of course but that’s a rational assessment and grief isn’t necessarily rational. I had a good relationship with my father but your MiL perhaps has more complicated feelings about her father’s death?

It must be so hard to lose a parent so young @Thedarksideofthemoon30 and so tough to see a parent’s health decline like your DF’s so that you are essentially having to make your own way in the world when others still have the security of parents (depending on the type and quality of parents of course). I get that it might be irritating and sound dramatic to says she’s an orphan (even if technically true), but I don’t think you can do anything about the way someone responds to this kind of loss, nor can we really say that one loss is worse than another. Of course objectively losing a young DH is more shocking than losing an elderly DF (for example) but grief is subjective and there is no hierarchy of loss.

When my father died someone said to me “at least he was old”, it was a spectacularly unhelpful thing to say because it didn’t make it easier for me just because he was 82, he was still my dad. It’s been a feature I hadn’t considered - how many people would comment along the lines of it not being a big deal because he was 82 and how being 54 I should be totally pragmatic about it (though I note this sort of comment has come from those who haven’t lost a parent yet). It does make you feel lost at any age and you’re own ability to cope OP has no bearing on hers so you’ll have to cut her some slack.

Grief isn’t a competition.

I can’t imagine you would take kindly to someone telling you that you got almost two decades longer with your mum than they did with theirs, which is quite plausible.

Not sure why it’s bothering you so much. Leave people to grieve how they want.

YANBU, that’s ridiculous, she could be doing with being a bit more sensitive

You're not an orphan yourself so I'm not sure why the word has elicited such a strong response.

She doesn't have living parents anymore. Let her feel how she feels, it's literally nothing to do with you or your circumstances.

When my gran died, my mum kept saying "I'm an orphan now." It struck me as a bit tactless saying it in front of my dad who was orphaned young, but I guess it's how she felt.

Don't make this about you, OP.

Of course she isn't an orphan, she knows that and is either saying it tongue in cheek or as a way to highlight how she is feeling having now lost both parents.

You are being way too sensitive relating this to your own circumstances and way to insensitive to think losing her dad, regardless of their relationship, hasn't affected her.

You don't get to rate others grief or circumstances as insignificant compared to yours.

@RoseMalone

They say that when you lose a parent you had a poor relationship with or who wasn't a good parent, you grieve the parent you wish you'd had. Maybe she's sad about that

This is spot on - I grieved because I didn’t feel the way I knew I should . It was also complicated by good friends trying to give me sympathy assuming I was devastated in a conventional way even when they knew the history

it's a strange feeling to suddenly realise you're the oldest generation and theres no one 'above you' as it were.

Yes.

Obviously if you don't like your MIL, you might find this irritating, OP. But there's nothing wrong with the realisation that you're now in that position being difficult to deal with.

My DH's remaining parent passed a few years ago and I heard him refer to himself as an orphan one time. I thought it sounded weird because he was pushing 50 and I would consider an orphan to be a child who's lost their parents, but that's how he feels I guess. He was their child even though he was an adult and life is never going to be the same again existing in a world where both your parents are gone.

YANBU, that’s ridiculous, she could be doing with being a bit more sensitive

The person who just lost a parent should be more sensitive to the person who lost a parent over a decade ago??

I despair. What is wrong with people?

I'm sorry for you early loss, and the horror of your DF's situation. It must have been so hard

My parents are both dead. When my DM died 2 years ago I was utterly bereft. I wasn't prepared for that feeling, as she was elderly and in poor health, but it completely floored me. It did, quite quickly, occur to me that I was orphaned. So what if I'm over 60 and a grandmother- I have lost both of my parents, and FEEL that I am orphaned. I did not go around saying as much, but it was how I felt.

Let your MIL grieve as she must. You don't have to agree with her feelings, but it would be a kindness to respect them - no matter who she is.

Sorry for your loss, OP.

It isn’t a competition though.

Losing both parents makes you an orphan at whatever age it happens, and is a huge thing to deal with for any of us.

Aibu to think that 1, you are lucky to have many years with your parents and 2, you aren’t a fucking orphan.

YANBU to think ALL of this

YABU if you actually said anything

I can absolutely understand why your teeth are being gritted here

Is her mother actually dead, or just her father?

I dunno, I mean technically no, she's not an orphan, an orphan is a child that has lost both parents. I'm 34 and I was referred to as an orphan the other day, it threw me a bit but I guess in the fact that I have no parents it makes sense but technically I'm a grown adult with no parents.

On a side note, this really shouldn't be something to be competitive about. You have had some trauma yes but it doesn't matter if she is 20 or 70, she's allowed to grieve for her parents. Also, just because she wished him dead for years, the death of some one like a father can bring up all sorts of unexpected feelings for someone. She also sounds deeply hurt by him in some regard as you wouldn't be wishing someone dead if you had no feelings there at all, you just wouldn't care.

I understand what you’re saying, OP, but like other posters I think you need to cut her some slack. She’s grieving for her Dad, regardless of whether they had a good relationship or not.

I lost my Mum at 28 and now that my friends (late 40’s/early 50’s) are also losing parents, I’ve noticed that some find it very hard to cope with. It’s slightly surprised me as I’d assumed we’d be prepared to accept the inevitable at this stage in our lives, but it still hits people hard. I accept that my Dad (80’s) could go any time, but I’ll be very sad when he does.

I think in some cases they’re so used to having their parents around that they’ve almost blocked out the possibility of losing them? Whereas I accept that my Dad ( in his 80’s) could go at any time.

Sorry, I still have a lot of issues regarding grieving etc. My son was 6 weeks old when my mum died.

I completely understand she’s grieving, and my heart hurts for her. I just feel jealous I suppose. I feel like an orphan. I know my dad is still alive luckily but it’s not the same. He can’t hug me properly or talk to me.

Also, I have no grandparents either. It’s literally just me 😂 I haven’t seen my aunties or uncle since my mums funeral.