Mil claiming to be a orphan at 54.

[Thedarksideofthemoon30]

Sorry, I’m really annoyed and upset.

I’m 30 and my mum died when I was 19. My dad had a life changing stroke when I was 16, which caused him to lose his voice, leg, arm and gave him slight brain damage. He lives in assisted living now.

My husbands grandad died before Xmas, I completely understand it’s her dad and she would be devastated but she’s been wishing him dead for years.

Aibu to think that 1, you are lucky to have many years with your parents and 2, you aren’t a fucking orphan.

Argh.

Just because a person doesn't like their parents, doesn't mean they don't grieve their death. I don't understand what you are trying to achieve by this post tbh, OP.

@DioneTheDiabolist

I have voted YABU OP. Losing parents is a horrendous time, no matter what your age. She is entitled to her grief.

Yes, this. I'm going to be so incredibly sad when mine go. Our relationship is not uncomplicated. If anyone voices an opinion on that, they'll be told to shut the fuck up.

Leave her be.

When she mentions it just say yes me but, but you didn't like your dad so it must be a relief is it !

@Justcallmebebes

My mum died last Friday. My dad in 2008. I'm 55, due to have cataract surgery next month and have been describing myself as a blind orphan to anyone who will listen

@Justcallmebebes (((HUG))). Your post made me cry. I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum. I'm 52 & I lost my Dad in 2010, I still have my mum (but she lives in NZ). I feel lost without my Dad, I'm going to feel completely adrift when my mum dies (if she dies before me, arguably she's in better health than me).

I hope your surgery goes well next month 💐

I am sorry you had the experiences you had, which sound so hard and painful. I think it can be understandable to compare other peoples experiences to your own, but it is not a kind or compassionate approach - your grief doesnt negate or trump hers however much you dont like her. When you lose your last parent, you are an orphan even if you dont fit the oliver twist idea of what orphans look like. It may be happening at the appropriate time, which for most of us is 50s - 60s, and you may be expected to be adult enough to deal with it, but it is still hard.

@RedcurrantPuff

YANBU, that’s ridiculous, she could be doing with being a bit more sensitive

Ironically, that is about the most ridiculous and insensitive posts on the thread. 🙄

@Thedarksideofthemoon30

Sorry, I still have a lot of issues regarding grieving etc. My son was 6 weeks old when my mum died.

I completely understand she’s grieving, and my heart hurts for her. I just feel jealous I suppose. I feel like an orphan. I know my dad is still alive luckily but it’s not the same. He can’t hug me properly or talk to me.

Thats not really MIL's fault though is it?

It sounds like you've had it really tough OP, but just concentrate on yourself rather than comparing your situation with your husbands' mum.

Blimey op, all about you or what? Why are YOU upset? Let mil grieve or what ever she wants to do. Just think about someone else's feelings without comparing them to your own.

YABU and unfair.
I’m sorry for your loss but you can’t rank people’s grief. I think it’s often the way that difficult relationships cause more ‘grief’ hen someone dies than strong ones.

I don’t understand why you care what she calls herself. It literally has no effect on anyone.

She’s being ridiculous calling herself an orphan. Of course she needs to grieve, but losing one’s parents as an adult is the natural order of things. I agree she has been lucky to have had them in her life to the age of 54.

She very silly to use the word orphan at that age. She isn’t a child. She’s obviously allowed to grieve and be devastated at losing both parents but I find the word orphan ridiculous and inappropriate.

@Trixie78

It doesn't matter how old you are when you lose your parents, it bloody hurts. Having a poor relationship makes the loss harder not easier. I'm sorry you lost your mum do young but you really do need to get over yourself. This post isn't one of your finest moments.

This.

She is an orphan.
You are not.
But you are horrible from the sounds of your post.

Did you get any help at the time OP? It must have been a very hard time.
Have you tried contacting your remaining family or are they not interested?

I know this is utterly unreasonable but my mum died very suddenly when I was 16. My MIL lost her mum 1 year ago aged 94. MIL is 68. She can’t move on really even a year later - deep in grief and feels it’s unfair.
Of course it’s very sad but I feel an irrational anger and keep thinking you’ve had so many years I could have given anything to have had my mum for even 10 more years let alone into my 60’s!! You are bloody lucky!
I know it’s irrational and it’s not a competition but it’s just how I feel

I think you should only be classed as an orphan if your parents die when you’re young and they are also too young. Your MIL sounds very insensitive.

Crikey OP could you be anymore insensitive? Losing at parent at any age is traumatic. Just look at Prince Charles in his 70s,,I couldn't watch tbe funeral because his broken face was to upsetting. Your MIL is grieving, if calling herself an orphan is how she is dealing with this then so be it. Saying how upset and angry you are about it is pure selfishness.

@Thedarksideofthemoon30

I think you are both in a fair amount of pain.

MILs pain is new
Yours is something you've been carrying for a long time. MILs doesn't feel as valid to you because she is older/the death was more timely/she might generally irritate you....would you say that's fair?

I've lost both my parents in the past three years. I am 50. So not a small child orphan, BUT I felt like an orphan after my mum died. I have no siblings/aunts/uncles/grandparents/cousins - nobody at all. Not One Adult. And knowing I have to Adult forever now - that noone is going to be running round after me if I"m not well, or checking I've got Christmas plans etc made me feel terrifyingly alone.

I understand your jealousy - I do. But you have to allow her to grieve in any way she wants.

My parents’ combined age was 196 when they died within six months of each other. Obviously I was pretty old when that happened and I was on my knees. Perhaps I should have just shrugged it off because I had so much time with them? You sound pretty heartless, OP.

I think this highlights that we don't actually have a word for being an adult when your parents die - 'orphan', obviously sounded insensitive to the OP.
I guess it was the MiL's way of trying to express her grief, without having the appropriate language to use. Yes, she may not have liked her father, but as someone else said, you still grieve, maybe for the father wou wished you had.

I'm with you OP, just sounds attention seeking to me to go round calling yourself an orphan at 54 as a lot of people have lost both parents by that age. Not that it's not just as devastating but the word orphan would grate on me too.

I think this is insensitive, especially as I'm sure she knows your story.
But she's grieving so I'd ignore it, unless it became the topic of every conversation and continues for some time.
Then I'd have to tell her what I felt.

Her grief is real, but calling herself an orphan is offensive.

An orphan has lost the person guiding them through childhood and into adulthood and independence. She was already independent.

It’s funny, I never thought it would hurt quite so much to lose a parent as adult. Years later and you still feel the empty space, still wish you could seek their counsel. There are so many questions I wish I had known to ask her. So much I wish I had known to learn about her, but I wasn’t old enough yet to know which stories hadn’t been told.

It wasn’t even that she said it in a sad way, she was joking and laughing. When it’s been the anniversary of my mums death or her birthday she’s always said she lost her mum at a young age so knows how it feels. She was 40 so I suppose it is young still.

I’m not a horrible person.

Maybe you'd benefit from counselling to process your loss and deal with your DF's condition because none of this is about your MIL. It's all about you and your unresolved grief.

Am surprised by the split of the vote, she's ridiculous to call herself an orphan at her age, I would find it annoying and dramatic.