Mil claiming to be a orphan at 54.

[Thedarksideofthemoon30]

Sorry, I’m really annoyed and upset.

I’m 30 and my mum died when I was 19. My dad had a life changing stroke when I was 16, which caused him to lose his voice, leg, arm and gave him slight brain damage. He lives in assisted living now.

My husbands grandad died before Xmas, I completely understand it’s her dad and she would be devastated but she’s been wishing him dead for years.

Aibu to think that 1, you are lucky to have many years with your parents and 2, you aren’t a fucking orphan.

Argh.

It's difficult whatever the circumstances. Whether you had a good relationship or not, it raises issues. Of course it's not like losing a parent as a child. But her grief is her grief and it's unkind to begrudge her that.

@Happyfeet1972

No, i don't think its a competition. Of course its devastating at any age. But I dont think its inappropriate to be sensitive to people's different circumstances either and that some people can only dream of losing a parent in their 50s. Of course it doesn't make it less sadder, I've never said that it does. I will be devastated when my parent now almost 70 dies. But I also don't think OP is being unreasonable to feel how she does when life threw her a shit hand in losing her mum at 19

Absolutely fine for the OP to feel how she does but also fine for her MIL to feel how she does.

[quote Happyfeet1972]@Mistressinthetulips I've perhaps not worded it in the best way but her losing her mum at 16 has severely impacted her life, it has damaged her in a way, my loss at 28 didn't. Losing her mum has changed the course of her life because she lost her mum at such a pivotal age and she struggled not just with grief but because unlike someone in their 50s none of her friends could relate. That's what I mean when I say my loss, which devastated me , pales into insignificance.[/quote]
I don't think grief works like that. A bit like when people tell you to stop moaning because people in the third world have it worse. It just doesn't help because you feel what you feel.

@Happyfeet1972

No, i don't think its a competition. Of course its devastating at any age. But I dont think its inappropriate to be sensitive to people's different circumstances either and that some people can only dream of losing a parent in their 50s. Of course it doesn't make it less sadder, I've never said that it does. I will be devastated when my parent now almost 70 dies. But I also don't think OP is being unreasonable to feel how she does when life threw her a shit hand in losing her mum at 19

Or to consider that someone else's loss is very new and they haven't had as much time to come to terms with it.

@Asterales

The death of a parent you had a difficult or complex relationship with can be harder to process sometimes than if you'd been close, as there's a lot of extra emotional baggage involved. For that alone YABU. Her dad has died. Let the poor woman deal with it as she wishes, it takes nothing away from you or your experiences.

This. She will be grieving both for her actual father, and for a more idealised father she never had.

You have clearly been through tough times, OP. Pity it hasn't taught you any empathy.

Grief is not a competition.

@Alsohuman

And I will be even less affected when my dad dies because he's had a good 80 years on the planet and I really don't see the point falling apart over something inevitable happening fairly deep into old age

You have absolutely no idea how you’ll feel. Nobody does until it happens. And whether you can see the point of it or not, a lot of people fall apart when their very old parents die and it’s perfectly natural and normal.

I might not know how I will feel but I promise you that I know better than you do. Furthermore I can have a pretty good idea given I know how I reacted to the death of my mother at a fairly young age and I was closer to her than I am my dad.

@Opaljewel

Grief is not a competition.

Which is precisely why OP is upset at her MILs behaviour.

Which is precisely why OP is upset at her MILs behaviour.

It is the OP that is making it into a competition in her head by comparing when there is no need or value to. Her MILs recent bereavement and grief is real and there is no need to compare and measure it with her own.

I agree with you. I have lost both parents and would have felt very lucky if mine or even one of them had loved until I was 54! Obviously she will still be upset but I think it's very insensitive of her to keep going on about it in front of someone who lost her parents at a very young age.

Lived*

Of course grief isn’t a competition but I understand how you feel OP.
My family circumstances are tragic, as are my DH.
While I can sympathise with someone losing a parent, there is a great deal to be said for being grateful when a parent passes at a ripe old age.
I can’t imagine what that would be like.
I’m a kind person and have many very close friends but they know that I’m not the go to person when someone loses a parent in their 80s or 90s.

@Ilovechinese

I agree with you. I have lost both parents and would have felt very lucky if mine or even one of them had loved until I was 54! Obviously she will still be upset but I think it's very insensitive of her to keep going on about it in front of someone who lost her parents at a very young age.

So I lost a parent at 13, I was still a child so is it OK if I say the OP shouldn't go on about losing her mother when she was an adult of 19 as my loss is greater? How absolutely ridiculous.

My husbands father died before my husband was 12 months old, wasn't he amazing to be supportive to me last week when I was sad on the anniversary of my dad's death. I mean I had a dad for 12 years longer than he did.

@Thedarksideofthemoon30

Sorry, I still have a lot of issues regarding grieving etc. My son was 6 weeks old when my mum died.

I completely understand she’s grieving, and my heart hurts for her. I just feel jealous I suppose. I feel like an orphan. I know my dad is still alive luckily but it’s not the same. He can’t hug me properly or talk to me.

You see, I think that makes you unfair. I get how much you miss your mum, but you still have one parent, you're not an orphan regardless of age.

My mother died two years after my dad. I thought the world of them both. We had known the end was coming for Mum for five months, and I was 59. Yet in my grief I thought, very quickly, I'm an orphan now. I only said it to my brother, who felt the same. But that feeling that the two people who've been with you all your life are no longer there is very powerful. As a PP said, I suddenly felt like a very small child.

But you still have your father alive. Please don't dismiss the feeling you get when your second parent dies.

I was 8 when my beloved Grandma died, DD was 26 when hers (my mum), died. Maybe I should have told DD to consider herself lucky to have known her Grandma for so long because I had it much worse? All this "my-grief-is-worse-than-your-grief" is pathetic.

Why are you trying to have a pity competition with her? Your focus is all off

@Thedarksideofthemoon30

Sorry, I still have a lot of issues regarding grieving etc. My son was 6 weeks old when my mum died.

I completely understand she’s grieving, and my heart hurts for her. I just feel jealous I suppose. I feel like an orphan. I know my dad is still alive luckily but it’s not the same. He can’t hug me properly or talk to me.

You aren't unreasonable to feel annoyed or upset or jealous. Those are all valid emotions. However, if both of MIL's parents are deceased then she is absolutely an orphan; there is no grey area. Furthermore, if one of your parents is still alive then you are not an orphan. The word "orphan" simply means a person who doesn't have living parents. It doesn't mean a person who has more heartbreaking circumstances than you. x

@Thedarksideofthemoon30

It wasn’t even that she said it in a sad way, she was joking and laughing. When it’s been the anniversary of my mums death or her birthday she’s always said she lost her mum at a young age so knows how it feels. She was 40 so I suppose it is young still.

I’m not a horrible person.

I'm not a horrible person

Maybe not, I dont know you. But I do know that you took time out of your day to rant o internet strangers about how your MIL's complicated relationship with her dad and her recent loss are to be compared to your loss and how her expression of her own bereavement isnt valid because its not as "bad" as yours, and then using your trauma as an excuse to justify your poor behaviour... so, just based on that, your actions dont exactly scream nice person....I'm sorry for your loss at a young age, but please never use that as an excuse for being horrible and unsympathetic.

Yes it isn't a competition because it isn't for someone to say that how dare they make a statement about themselves and how they feel about the grief? Nobody's grief tops another's. We all have different ways of how we feel about things and how we deal with it. Which is why I said it. The OP definitely unfairly lost her parents so young and I truly empathise with that. But I hardly think the MIL when she said that was directing that at the OP. She just realised there was no above her to reach for comfort. She was the sole adult now. Why does that have to be something that we cannot empathise with? Op could have empathised with her MIL by recognising that grief and that horrible feeling in common. Again Nobody's grief tops anothers. We all bleed, we all breathe and we all feel emotions. No need for either to be the most emotional. They both are in their own important way.

No one* apologies

And some people react to sad situations with humour because they find being sad too difficult to deal with too. Again all deal with it differently.

Some people are just insensitive. I mentioned I was orphaned by the age of 40 on a fairly recent thread on number and was told by somebody that the word orphan only applies to children!

Losing your last surviving parent is a tough rite of passage no matter how old you are or they were.

I think it is especially hard if both parents die years ahead of one's peers. Neither of mine met my son. I did have him at the age of 41 though. I remember noticing all the grandparents in the playground and being the only person in the whole primary school to have no family support whatsoever (only child).

You dont like your MIL and everything she does annoys you. She is grieving, she is allowed to feel the way she does. Why does it bother you so much