Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bestfriend friends with ex and new gf

233 replies

Megan124 · 21/04/2021 15:20

Ok so my ex broke up with me in January. I was heartbroken, and one of my bestfriends ‘H’ was really there for me. I told her everything about our relationship and she was really shocked because she is friends with my ex as they work together and she said what I told her really changed her opinion of him. Then she started distancing herself from me a few months after the break up. I felt that something was up so I messaged asking if my ex had found someone new or something (I had a gut feeling that he had). She FaceTimed me and said that he was going out with a new girl from their work. I instantly threw up, I was heartbroken all over again. ‘H’ told me that she went to a party and they kissed, and then this new work group went on a drive and they kissed there as well. I was distraught obviously, but also really confused why ‘H’ (my bestfriend) was hanging out with my ex and his new girlfriend. After a few days of her telling me the news, I messaged her saying that I don’t think I can be friends with her anymore if she is friends with them. She rang me crying and said she wouldn’t be friends with them anymore, and then that was that. Then the other day I saw that she was with that work group again. I messaged her again and said, I can’t be your friend, especially now that you lied to me as well. She just didn’t understand where I was coming from, and said it was wrong of me to make her choose between me and them. I can see why it looks like I’m making her choose, but at the same time it is very uncomfortable for me knowing that she is with them and friends with them. I wouldn’t do this to any of my friends and so I expect my friends not to do it to me.
Am I being fair in this?

OP posts:
ohgenome · 21/04/2021 15:23

Of course you are not being fair - you are being childish and immature. Your friend does not need this pressure and if it was me - I'd be calling an end to our "friendship" - sorry OP

Peasuper · 21/04/2021 15:24

When they’ve been out, has it just been the 3 of them or a work gang?

DazzlingHaze · 21/04/2021 15:24

You need to protect yourself first and foremost and if hearing about your ex and his new gf from this friend is going to hurt you and prevent you from moving on, it's totally acceptable for you to take a step back. I think I would have to do the same if I was in a lot of pain over the end of my relationship.

Bluntness100 · 21/04/2021 15:25

No you’re not being fair. In fact you’re being horribly manipulative and vindictive. She can be friends with you both you can’t make her choose like this, it’s not her fault he ended it. He’s moved on, you need to accept it and not treat peoooe like this,

Unanananana · 21/04/2021 15:25

Are you 14?

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/04/2021 15:27

Are you more upset she’s friends with your ex, that he has a new girlfriend or that she’s friends with the gf?

She shouldn’t have lied to you, that’s reason alone to stop the friendship, but it seems unrealistic to think she’d stop being friends with two people she works with whatever happened between you and your ex.

Who knew her first, did you meet her through his work?

In my experience, barring something catastrophic, in the event of a split it’s history that defines who maintains which friendships at the end of it.

You don’t trust her so the friendship’s over but it might not have been likely that she’d cut him off and she wouldn’t need to stop hanging out with him because he’s moved on and is dating - which is his right.

Bluntness100 · 21/04/2021 15:28

You weren’t dumped for this woman op. He ended it and moved on. Your friend has done nothing wrong. And neither has he. She should be friends with all of you. And in particular them as they work together. Messaging her like a school girl saying you won’t be her friend anymore is ridiculous and I hope for her sake she walks away

But you need to get help. Vomiting when you hear he’s moved on is disturbing. Maybe you need some counselling, as you’re so unable to move past this and it’s now impacting your behaviour to others.

AntiHop · 21/04/2021 15:28

Unless your ex did something awful like violence towards you, there is no reason to expect her to cut him off, particularly as they work together.

FinallyFluid · 21/04/2021 15:29

How old are you ?

Pinkflipflop85 · 21/04/2021 15:29

This is the most angsty teenage rubbish!

FTEngineerM · 21/04/2021 15:30

That’s her job, her bread and butter.. of course she’s going to be friendly with those at work.

Direct your frustration into a hobby.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/04/2021 15:30

She has done something wrong. She lied about no longer being friends with them. Then cried and made it all about her. If she wanted to be friends with everyone she should have said so but she didn’t.

minniemomo · 21/04/2021 15:31

She works with them. It's unreasonable for you to insist they aren't friends

Bluntness100 · 21/04/2021 15:32

@AnneLovesGilbert

She has done something wrong. She lied about no longer being friends with them. Then cried and made it all about her. If she wanted to be friends with everyone she should have said so but she didn’t.
Hmmm. Yeah I can understand why she did it though. She was obviously trying to keep the peace both sides, and didn’t tell the op because she knew her reaction

Personally I’d not see it as a major crime myself. I’d see it as someone being put in a shit unacceptable position by a so called friend.

FinallyFluid · 21/04/2021 15:33

@Pinkflipflop85

This is the most angsty teenage rubbish!
Agreed
Original poster
Megan124 · 21/04/2021 15:33

@AntiHop

Unless your ex did something awful like violence towards you, there is no reason to expect her to cut him off, particularly as they work together.
He could be quite abusive, yes
OP posts:
Allwokedup · 21/04/2021 15:34

Yabu

Original poster
Megan124 · 21/04/2021 15:35

@AnneLovesGilbert

Are you more upset she’s friends with your ex, that he has a new girlfriend or that she’s friends with the gf?

She shouldn’t have lied to you, that’s reason alone to stop the friendship, but it seems unrealistic to think she’d stop being friends with two people she works with whatever happened between you and your ex.

Who knew her first, did you meet her through his work?

In my experience, barring something catastrophic, in the event of a split it’s history that defines who maintains which friendships at the end of it.

You don’t trust her so the friendship’s over but it might not have been likely that she’d cut him off and she wouldn’t need to stop hanging out with him because he’s moved on and is dating - which is his right.

Yeah so I used to work with them both, that’s where I met both of them. She became friends with him through me but they were never close until we broke up
OP posts:
Dipi79 · 21/04/2021 15:36

How old are you? 20s? Recognise this scenario from my youth.
She is NOT your friend.
Let go.
X

Aozora13 · 21/04/2021 15:37

I’ve actually been the friend in this situation and it was horrible. In my case I had long standing relationships with both of them and they actually kept their relationship secret from me in the beginning. I was pissed off with friend 2 for how he treated friend 1 when they spilt but had also heard the other side of the story, and it was set in the wider context of our relationship. I ended up having to take a step back from friend 1 for a while as she was pressuring me to choose. Time has helped to heal but I’m not sure she’ll ever completely forgive me for not ditching friend 2. I didn’t ask for any of it and have carried guilt for years despite friend 2 proving his friendship to me time and again. It’s tough for your friend being caught in the middle, and it’s horrible for you being so hurt but hopefully you can see from her side too?

Original poster
Megan124 · 21/04/2021 15:37

@AnneLovesGilbert

Are you more upset she’s friends with your ex, that he has a new girlfriend or that she’s friends with the gf?

She shouldn’t have lied to you, that’s reason alone to stop the friendship, but it seems unrealistic to think she’d stop being friends with two people she works with whatever happened between you and your ex.

Who knew her first, did you meet her through his work?

In my experience, barring something catastrophic, in the event of a split it’s history that defines who maintains which friendships at the end of it.

You don’t trust her so the friendship’s over but it might not have been likely that she’d cut him off and she wouldn’t need to stop hanging out with him because he’s moved on and is dating - which is his right.

I genuinely don’t mind that she is friends with him. It’s being friends with the new girlfriend, that’s what bothers me.
OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 21/04/2021 15:38

Are you sure they are close now? Does it even matter? He was abusive, he’s ended it, he’s moved on. She works with them and it would be difficult for her to distance herself. But she shouldn’t have to or to have to take sides, I’m sure he’s given his side of it too on why he ended it. Either way she shouldn’t have to take sides

The issue here is your extreme heartbreak. You can’t treat her like this or put her in this position.

Original poster
Megan124 · 21/04/2021 15:38

@Aozora13

I’ve actually been the friend in this situation and it was horrible. In my case I had long standing relationships with both of them and they actually kept their relationship secret from me in the beginning. I was pissed off with friend 2 for how he treated friend 1 when they spilt but had also heard the other side of the story, and it was set in the wider context of our relationship. I ended up having to take a step back from friend 1 for a while as she was pressuring me to choose. Time has helped to heal but I’m not sure she’ll ever completely forgive me for not ditching friend 2. I didn’t ask for any of it and have carried guilt for years despite friend 2 proving his friendship to me time and again. It’s tough for your friend being caught in the middle, and it’s horrible for you being so hurt but hopefully you can see from her side too?
I 100% see how hard it is for her. She’s really stuck in the middle
OP posts:
uhtredsonofuhtred1 · 21/04/2021 15:39

It depends whether there's a good reason that she should be loyal to you. If I spilled my heart out to my friend about my abusive ex then I would expect loyalty and if it was the other way around I'd be loyal to my friend without question. However, if it was just a regular break-up, no abuse or cheating then I don't see why she can't be friends with you both.

Original poster
Megan124 · 21/04/2021 15:39

@Dipi79

How old are you? 20s? Recognise this scenario from my youth. She is NOT your friend. Let go. X
21
OP posts: