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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bestfriend friends with ex and new gf

233 replies

Megan124 · 21/04/2021 15:20

Ok so my ex broke up with me in January. I was heartbroken, and one of my bestfriends ‘H’ was really there for me. I told her everything about our relationship and she was really shocked because she is friends with my ex as they work together and she said what I told her really changed her opinion of him. Then she started distancing herself from me a few months after the break up. I felt that something was up so I messaged asking if my ex had found someone new or something (I had a gut feeling that he had). She FaceTimed me and said that he was going out with a new girl from their work. I instantly threw up, I was heartbroken all over again. ‘H’ told me that she went to a party and they kissed, and then this new work group went on a drive and they kissed there as well. I was distraught obviously, but also really confused why ‘H’ (my bestfriend) was hanging out with my ex and his new girlfriend. After a few days of her telling me the news, I messaged her saying that I don’t think I can be friends with her anymore if she is friends with them. She rang me crying and said she wouldn’t be friends with them anymore, and then that was that. Then the other day I saw that she was with that work group again. I messaged her again and said, I can’t be your friend, especially now that you lied to me as well. She just didn’t understand where I was coming from, and said it was wrong of me to make her choose between me and them. I can see why it looks like I’m making her choose, but at the same time it is very uncomfortable for me knowing that she is with them and friends with them. I wouldn’t do this to any of my friends and so I expect my friends not to do it to me.
Am I being fair in this?

OP posts:
secular39 · 23/04/2021 22:37

Sorry OP. My last post was harsh. You are a young 21 year old and reading the comments you have made shows me that you are listening to us and rethinking your actions. Of course your going to feel hurt and I suppose it was just a gut reaction for you to react like that to her.

My ex was very abusive and is useless with our children and doesn't see them. However, I am very close to the mum and although my gut feeling was to limit contact with her. I thought no, she is a good grandma to my kids, and it's not fair, it was her son who did the bad thing here not her. We are very close and we will be travelling with her soon.

Take this in a positive light. It's good that your friend has contact with your ex, when you out there getting on with your life, and potentially get a new boyfriend, your friend willl naturally disclose this to your ex, like "Oh, Lucy is great! I'm seeing her later on, we are travelling to Spain, with her and her new boyfriend".

When I tell you this. Moving on and getting on in life, working on yourself is the best revenge.

Original poster
Megan124 · 23/04/2021 22:41

@amusedtodeath1

I get both sides tbh. I don't think you can reasonably ask someone to not be friends with your exs girlfriend tbh. What you can do is decide how much and what kind of interaction you have with your friend. Under the circumstances it's perfectly reasonable to ask her not to talk about them or for you to see her less while you're healing. Break ups are hard and can make you act in ways you wouldn't normally. If she really cares she will understand.Flowers
Thank u for your message x
OP posts:
Original poster
Megan124 · 23/04/2021 22:43

@secular39

Sorry OP. My last post was harsh. You are a young 21 year old and reading the comments you have made shows me that you are listening to us and rethinking your actions. Of course your going to feel hurt and I suppose it was just a gut reaction for you to react like that to her.

My ex was very abusive and is useless with our children and doesn't see them. However, I am very close to the mum and although my gut feeling was to limit contact with her. I thought no, she is a good grandma to my kids, and it's not fair, it was her son who did the bad thing here not her. We are very close and we will be travelling with her soon.

Take this in a positive light. It's good that your friend has contact with your ex, when you out there getting on with your life, and potentially get a new boyfriend, your friend willl naturally disclose this to your ex, like "Oh, Lucy is great! I'm seeing her later on, we are travelling to Spain, with her and her new boyfriend".

When I tell you this. Moving on and getting on in life, working on yourself is the best revenge.

Don’t worry about your last message, I agree I was childish. I’m sorry to hear about your situation, good for u keeping in contact with your ex’s mum though! x
OP posts:
Butwasitherdriveway · 23/04/2021 23:18

@secular39

Why did you do that? Her saying "I won't be friends with the anymore" shows that she's a caring friend. You do not own her. She is not your property where you can discard or use her as you see fit. This is what primary school kids would do- not adults!

It's difficult because she's stuck in the middle and the reason why she was distant probably was because your ex had a new gf and don't want to tell you this so it was easier for her to limit contact. The minute she spoke to you, she knew she had to tell you.

Just tell her not to mention anything about the ex and I assure you she wouldn't. TBH it depends what the ex did... if he was abusive then I could see the reason why you acted like this but.... Idk.

Are you for real?

Easier to limit contact and be pals with the new gf than stand by her pal. Righto.

Original poster
Megan124 · 24/04/2021 23:36

I agree with u to be honest. Think my friend has ulterior motives in my opinion.

OP posts:
BlueDahlia69 · 24/04/2021 23:52

@Megan124

I agree with u to be honest. Think my friend has ulterior motives in my opinion.

I wouldn't rule it out 🌸

shiningcuckoo · 25/04/2021 00:09

Sometimes you just need a line in the sand. The problem here I think is that your line in the sand is in the wrong place. Given that everyone is young here and friendships and relationships are still generally fluid, I'd have made the line 'hey, I don't want to hear about my ex and his new girlfriend because for whatever reason, it still hurts although I will get over it'. And don't share too much with your friend because you can't know what she might say to her workmates.
For those who are making judgements about your maturity, well I put a line in the sand along the lines of ' you can't be friends with them and me - I'm not going to make you choose so I'll choose for you' when I was in my late forties. My ex had left our 25 year relationship for a colleague (also a friend of mine) and a mutual friend was playing the 'I don't take sides' game by inviting them over for dinner and saying things like 'he's just moving on' one month after he had left. My view was there is no such thing as not taking sides and by socialising with him and his colleague, my friend was expressing her approval of the situation. So i no longer approved of her. Harsh and maybe immature, but better than struggling through and always wondering whether a friend can be trusted. It's been a few years now and I still don't regret what I said and did.

Original poster
Megan124 · 25/04/2021 10:26

@shiningcuckoo

Sometimes you just need a line in the sand. The problem here I think is that your line in the sand is in the wrong place. Given that everyone is young here and friendships and relationships are still generally fluid, I'd have made the line 'hey, I don't want to hear about my ex and his new girlfriend because for whatever reason, it still hurts although I will get over it'. And don't share too much with your friend because you can't know what she might say to her workmates. For those who are making judgements about your maturity, well I put a line in the sand along the lines of ' you can't be friends with them and me - I'm not going to make you choose so I'll choose for you' when I was in my late forties. My ex had left our 25 year relationship for a colleague (also a friend of mine) and a mutual friend was playing the 'I don't take sides' game by inviting them over for dinner and saying things like 'he's just moving on' one month after he had left. My view was there is no such thing as not taking sides and by socialising with him and his colleague, my friend was expressing her approval of the situation. So i no longer approved of her. Harsh and maybe immature, but better than struggling through and always wondering whether a friend can be trusted. It's been a few years now and I still don't regret what I said and did.
I’m sorry your friend did that to you :( and I think u did the right thing. I agree that there is no such thing as not taking sides, it sounds ideal but just doesn’t work. I like that you said about “my friend was expressing her approval of the situation” because this is exactly how I feel. I have a lot of friends that I know for a fact would never do this to me, I don’t want to loose her as a friend but I’ll also find it very hard to ever be as close and trusting of her now.
OP posts:
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