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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bestfriend friends with ex and new gf

233 replies

Megan124 · 21/04/2021 15:20

Ok so my ex broke up with me in January. I was heartbroken, and one of my bestfriends ‘H’ was really there for me. I told her everything about our relationship and she was really shocked because she is friends with my ex as they work together and she said what I told her really changed her opinion of him. Then she started distancing herself from me a few months after the break up. I felt that something was up so I messaged asking if my ex had found someone new or something (I had a gut feeling that he had). She FaceTimed me and said that he was going out with a new girl from their work. I instantly threw up, I was heartbroken all over again. ‘H’ told me that she went to a party and they kissed, and then this new work group went on a drive and they kissed there as well. I was distraught obviously, but also really confused why ‘H’ (my bestfriend) was hanging out with my ex and his new girlfriend. After a few days of her telling me the news, I messaged her saying that I don’t think I can be friends with her anymore if she is friends with them. She rang me crying and said she wouldn’t be friends with them anymore, and then that was that. Then the other day I saw that she was with that work group again. I messaged her again and said, I can’t be your friend, especially now that you lied to me as well. She just didn’t understand where I was coming from, and said it was wrong of me to make her choose between me and them. I can see why it looks like I’m making her choose, but at the same time it is very uncomfortable for me knowing that she is with them and friends with them. I wouldn’t do this to any of my friends and so I expect my friends not to do it to me.
Am I being fair in this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Megan124 · 21/04/2021 15:40

@Peasuper

When they’ve been out, has it just been the 3 of them or a work gang?
Think 4 of them
OP posts:
An0n0n0n · 21/04/2021 15:40

So you don't mind her being friends with someone who you say abused you but not his new girlfriend who is presumably an innocent party??

You will lose your friend if you pursued this. She works with them. You will be the one that is ditched. Do you have enough friends to take that chance?

wingsnthat · 21/04/2021 15:40

You can’t expect her to isolate herself from her colleagues though

Bluntness100 · 21/04/2021 15:40

I 100% see how hard it is for her. She’s really stuck in the middle

But it’s you who is putting her there. Not him. He’s not demanding she can’t be your friend, it’s only you putting her in the middle ans sending childish messages saying i won’t be your friend anymore.

Original poster
Megan124 · 21/04/2021 15:43

@An0n0n0n

So you don't mind her being friends with someone who you say abused you but not his new girlfriend who is presumably an innocent party??

You will lose your friend if you pursued this. She works with them. You will be the one that is ditched. Do you have enough friends to take that chance?

She’s been friends with him for a few years now so that’s why I don’t mind her still being friends with him, despite what he did to me
OP posts:
Ellpellwood · 21/04/2021 15:43

YABU. She works with them and if she is also 21ish they'll be socialising outside of work. I used to go on day trips/nights out all the time in my first job.

She doesn't need to be giving you daily updates on their snogging etc. though.

saraclara · 21/04/2021 15:44

She works with them both. It's entirely impractical for her to not mix with them, even if she wanted to.

I recognise that this is hard for you, but you are being very, very unfair to her.

SkedaddIe · 21/04/2021 15:44

You've got some maturing to do OP.

And I feel bad for the new gf.

SandyY2K · 21/04/2021 15:45

I understand where you're coming from, but if I was you, I wouldn't have made a big statement about it, I would have just distanced myself and stopped contacting or responding to her. That's also because I don't really like confrontation though.

I mean you told her the first time..she said she wouldn't be friends with them...then you saw evidence that she still was. That's where you should have left it and cut her off, without going back to her.

Aprilx · 21/04/2021 15:45

You have no right to tell her or expect her not to be friends with either him or the new girlfriend. I understand that you are upset but you have behaved appallingly and you have now lost your friend over this too.

My last boyfriend (who also dumped me) and I had a mutual friend. I would not have dreamt of telling her that she could no longer see l. He started seeing someone else shortly thereafter and I know for a fact that she regularly socialised with the new girlfriend and I would never have expected her not to. I. Fact we had an unwritten and unsaid rule that we didn’t discuss him.

Aprilx · 21/04/2021 15:45

*In fact

Bluntness100 · 21/04/2021 15:46

Ok you’re 21. I’d have thought younger to be honest.

Karwomannghia · 21/04/2021 15:46

It’s impossible to ask her not to speak to someone she works with, which puts her in a really difficult situation, but you can ask her not to talk about him and stop looking at pictures of them. Alternatively you can distance yourself from her but that would be really sad.

Original poster
Megan124 · 21/04/2021 15:46

@saraclara

She works with them both. It's entirely impractical for her to not mix with them, even if she wanted to.

I recognise that this is hard for you, but you are being very, very unfair to her.

My brother also works there, he manages to do it. He says hi and is nice to them but keeps his distance, just out of respect for me really.
OP posts:
BrownEyedGirl80 · 21/04/2021 15:47

You'll forget about all this once you go to high school

Bluntness100 · 21/04/2021 15:47

She’s been friends with him for a few years now so that’s why I don’t mind her still being friends with him, despite what he did to me

So you just don’t want her to be friends with his new girlfriend because you’re jealous?

Original poster
Megan124 · 21/04/2021 15:49

@Bluntness100

She’s been friends with him for a few years now so that’s why I don’t mind her still being friends with him, despite what he did to me

So you just don’t want her to be friends with his new girlfriend because you’re jealous?

No I just find it really uncomfortable
OP posts:
CattingTime · 21/04/2021 15:50

What's the new gf done wrong?

Ellpellwood · 21/04/2021 15:50

Wow. Is there only one employer in your town?

Elieza · 21/04/2021 15:50

You’re expecting your friend to be disgusted with him and fall out with him immediately. To take ‘your’ side.

And in normal circumstances that would be what would happen.

However because she works with him you need to see it differently. She can’t take your side and fall out with him. She works with him. Likewise she can’t fall out with the new woman if she works there or goes out with them too. It’s hard.

Remember. He is no longer your boyfriend. Or any of your business.

You should not give a flying monkey about who he dates or where he goes or what he does.

You should not use your friend to find this info out either. It puts her in a difficult position.

So if you want to remain friends with her you should apologise for what you asked her to do, tell her that you don’t want to know anything about him any more and not to tell you, as you are moving on. She may be relieved and still be pals. Or she may distance herself as tbh you were unreasonable to her.

Then I’d suggest some counselling and new hobbies and perhaps some new friends arising from these hobbies, to help you move forward.

sonjadog · 21/04/2021 15:51

No, you can't control people like this. You can't decide who she is friends with. Especially as they work together, it would presumably be very awkward for her not to be friendly with them?

Bluntness100 · 21/04/2021 15:56

No I just find it really uncomfortable

Nope. She’s not telling you about it, so no you don’t feel uncomfortable , you feel many things, jealousy of the new girl , upset he’s with someone else, upset he doesn’t want you, jealousy at the thought of them all having fun together. May as well own it.

Biancadelrioisback · 21/04/2021 15:56

So you have no problem with your friend being friends with your ex. They've been friends for years and you've accepted this. So if there was a group night out, you have no problem with her being there and him. However, he now has a new GF and suddenly you have a problem?

So you wouldn't consider ending the friendship if he didn't have a new gf?

This is all so strange. And I agree with a PP that physically throwing up because your ex has a new gf is odd. Were you together for a long time?

Biancadelrioisback · 21/04/2021 15:57

So what exactly are you uncomfortable with?

Original poster
Megan124 · 21/04/2021 16:01

@Biancadelrioisback

So what exactly are you uncomfortable with?
When I see my friend, it is just uncomfortable now because I know she knows stuff about them. I don’t ask her anything but sometimes she’ll say stuff about them, or that she is going out with them and that makes me feel uncomfortable
OP posts:
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