Page 4 | Bestfriend friends with ex and new gf

Megan124 · 2021-04-21T14:20:45+00:00

Ok so my ex broke up with me in January. I was heartbroken, and one of my bestfriends ‘H’ was really there for me. I told her everything about our relationship and she was really shocked because she is friends with my ex as they work together and she said what I told her really changed her opinion of him. Then she started distancing herself from me a few months after the break up. I felt that something was up so I messaged asking if my ex had found someone new or something (I had a gut feeling that he had). She FaceTimed me and said that he was going out with a new girl from their work. I instantly threw up, I was heartbroken all over again. ‘H’ told me that she went to a party and they kissed, and then this new work group went on a drive and they kissed there as well. I was distraught obviously, but also really confused why ‘H’ (my bestfriend) was hanging out with my ex and his new girlfriend. After a few days of her telling me the news, I messaged her saying that I don’t think I can be friends with her anymore if she is friends with them. She rang me crying and said she wouldn’t be friends with them anymore, and then that was that. Then the other day I saw that she was with that work group again. I messaged her again and said, I can’t be your friend, especially now that you lied to me as well. She just didn’t understand where I was coming from, and said it was wrong of me to make her choose between me and them. I can see why it looks like I’m making her choose, but at the same time it is very uncomfortable for me knowing that she is with them and friends with them. I wouldn’t do this to any of my friends and so I expect my friends not to do it to me. Am I being fair in this?

MaMaD1990 · 21/04/2021 16:30

@Branleuse

I absolutely wouldnt feel able to have the same level of openness and honesty if they were also good friends with my ex and his new partner. If it was an aquaintance or more of a low-key friend, then thats different. My best friend though, I expect a certain amount of loyalty from though, and while i wouldnt expect them to hate my ex, I wouldnt be ok with my bestie and my ex being on going out and socialising together terms. I would just distance myself and try and develop other friendships outside of that group.

Dont like the insistence that a young woman should just ignore her gut feelings here, or be a cool-girl about it.

I expect you're of a similar age to OP given the use of the word 'bestie'...

Branleuse · 21/04/2021 16:31

in fact, id seriously suspect that the ex was developing this friendship with your friend in order to be a headfuck to you and remove your support network. Make you seem like the crazy ex.
Id honestly walk away with your head held high

Biancadelrioisback · 21/04/2021 16:31

Dont like the insistence that a young woman should just ignore her gut feelings here, or be a cool-girl about it.

It is absolutely not being a 'cool-girl' to not dictate to your friends who they can be friends with.

Also, 'cool-girl' is just another shitty, sexist term to beat women with. Just because some people have different boundaries does not make then a 'cool-girl'. Also, she's 21, she's a woman.

MaMaD1990 · 21/04/2021 16:32

Yes but you also need to remember your friends may also not be so forthcoming with their actual opinions if you've shunned your friend like you have - they could think they're next. If they are being truthful, they're also of a similar age I would imagine so of a similar mind set so you can't expect many differing opinions than that of your own.

Original poster

Megan124 · 21/04/2021 16:34

@Branleuse

in fact, id seriously suspect that the ex was developing this friendship with your friend in order to be a headfuck to you and remove your support network. Make you seem like the crazy ex. Id honestly walk away with your head held high

He did say if we ever break up he’d make my life miserable... so maybe your onto something

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Elieza · 21/04/2021 16:35

OP I suggest your other friends are similar ages to you, hence similar opinions plus wanting to be loyal to you.

Some of us on here are, aherm, a ‘tad older’, and have a more balanced view of things, having lived through more shit than someone could shake a stick at.

Sometimes bad things happen and difficult yet situations come up but you just have to find a way through the minefield.

Original poster

Megan124 · 21/04/2021 16:35

@MaMaD1990

Yes but you also need to remember your friends may also not be so forthcoming with their actual opinions if you've shunned your friend like you have - they could think they're next. If they are being truthful, they're also of a similar age I would imagine so of a similar mind set so you can't expect many differing opinions than that of your own.

Oh no I’m really not like that. I’ve had these friends since I was really young. I asked them to just give me their honest opinions on what they would do in my situation

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Branleuse · 21/04/2021 16:35

No im not of a similar age. Im much older, but im also not so desperate for friends that id put up with someone who made me feel insecure or played mind games. Far too long in the tooth. I am picky with both my close friends and my relationships. Not saying cut her out, but just be guarded with what you tell her now, and try and develop other friendships more

sonjadog · 21/04/2021 16:39

"id seriously suspect that the ex was developing this friendship with your friend in order to be a headfuck to you and remove your support network. Make you seem like the crazy ex."

Or maybe he just wants to get on with his life and his new girlfriend and have a good relationship with someone he works with? Having ended it with the OP, he probably isn't thinking a lot about her tbh.

YukoandHiro · 21/04/2021 16:40

If you're 20 or under, well this is just one of the facts or life and you'll work through it. Give yourself space from your friend if you need it. She will learn to respect that. Time will heal.

If you're older than that, seriously grow up.

Branleuse · 21/04/2021 16:40

its not dictating who your friends can be friends with. Its putting up your own boundaries about what you want from your own friends. You have choices surely. Im pretty open minded with what my friends do when it has nothing to do with me, but for me, I would not want my best friend to have divided loyalties, and if they didnt accept that, then thats not me telling them they cant be friends with them. Its me telling them that they can, but im not gonna be around to potentially give them extra gossip

Branleuse · 21/04/2021 16:42

@sonjadog

"id seriously suspect that the ex was developing this friendship with your friend in order to be a headfuck to you and remove your support network. Make you seem like the crazy ex."

Or maybe he just wants to get on with his life and his new girlfriend and have a good relationship with someone he works with? Having ended it with the OP, he probably isn't thinking a lot about her tbh.

yeah maybe. The guy that has all of a sudden developed a close friendship with my best friend after our split, has previously been abusive, and has openly said he would make my life hell, probably just wants to get on with his life. Poor love.

Original poster

Megan124 · 21/04/2021 16:43

@Branleuse

its not dictating who your friends can be friends with. Its putting up your own boundaries about what you want from your own friends. You have choices surely. Im pretty open minded with what my friends do when it has nothing to do with me, but for me, I would not want my best friend to have divided loyalties, and if they didnt accept that, then thats not me telling them they cant be friends with them. Its me telling them that they can, but im not gonna be around to potentially give them extra gossip

Yeah I’m sad everyone is saying it’s really controlling of me to do this. This isn’t how I wanted things to come across at all. This is more me, putting myself first and deciding who I want to be friends with, rather than dictating who she is friends with.

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LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 21/04/2021 16:43

You sound very hurt and very lost.

It will get better in time. For now it’s all a bit raw and you need to protect yourself.

I don’t think your best friend or the new girlfriend have done anything wrong though. If you can’t stand to be around your friend because of her association with the new girlfriend, that is your right. But maybe try not to fall out with her. Leave the door open for the future.

I hope you are able to move on and find new friends and have some fun. Could you seek some counselling? Bring sick is quite an extreme reaction. Your GP might be able to refer you to an adult mental health service drop in service in your area. Or recommend an on-line course. If your ex was abusive then consider doing the Freedom Programme.

Best of luck.

Biancadelrioisback · 21/04/2021 16:44

@Branleuse

its not dictating who your friends can be friends with. Its putting up your own boundaries about what you want from your own friends. You have choices surely. Im pretty open minded with what my friends do when it has nothing to do with me, but for me, I would not want my best friend to have divided loyalties, and if they didnt accept that, then thats not me telling them they cant be friends with them. Its me telling them that they can, but im not gonna be around to potentially give them extra gossip

All your friends are going to have divided loyalties!

Between their families, friendship group, friends you don't know or have never met, friends you don't like, work colleagues etc.

Your friend being friends with you ex has nothing to do with you unless one of you makes it about you.

HowWeAre · 21/04/2021 16:46

At the age of 21 sometimes it’s harder to tell your friends what you actually think and feel. I’m 24 now and I’ve only in recent years found it easier for me to say you my friends ‘actually you’re out of order there’ so I would take your friends agreeing with you with a pinch of salt. I think at that age as pp said you’re more fixated on ‘loyalty’ and such. The only person being out of order is you. You need to decide if this is worth losing your friend over.

Original poster

Megan124 · 21/04/2021 16:47

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood

You sound very hurt and very lost.

It will get better in time. For now it’s all a bit raw and you need to protect yourself.

I don’t think your best friend or the new girlfriend have done anything wrong though. If you can’t stand to be around your friend because of her association with the new girlfriend, that is your right. But maybe try not to fall out with her. Leave the door open for the future.

I hope you are able to move on and find new friends and have some fun. Could you seek some counselling? Bring sick is quite an extreme reaction. Your GP might be able to refer you to an adult mental health service drop in service in your area. Or recommend an on-line course. If your ex was abusive then consider doing the Freedom Programme.

Best of luck.

I’ve actually started taking medication recently because I did feel really low. I’ve felt a lot better recently, thanks for your message

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Branleuse · 21/04/2021 16:47

I wouldnt keep messaging her though OP. She knows how you feel. It doesnt need to be a big drama, but I know that it can feel like a double whammy when you feel betrayed by both your ex and your best friends.
I think breakups can really be when you find out who your real friends are

Original poster

Megan124 · 21/04/2021 16:50

@HowWeAre

At the age of 21 sometimes it’s harder to tell your friends what you actually think and feel. I’m 24 now and I’ve only in recent years found it easier for me to say you my friends ‘actually you’re out of order there’ so I would take your friends agreeing with you with a pinch of salt. I think at that age as pp said you’re more fixated on ‘loyalty’ and such. The only person being out of order is you. You need to decide if this is worth losing your friend over.

This particular friend actually dated another one of my friends last year. He cheated on her and I literally couldn’t be around him because she was so upset when it happened. I kind of expected her to be the same I guess

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Original poster

Megan124 · 21/04/2021 16:52

@Branleuse

I wouldnt keep messaging her though OP. She knows how you feel. It doesnt need to be a big drama, but I know that it can feel like a double whammy when you feel betrayed by both your ex and your best friends. I think breakups can really be when you find out who your real friends are

Well from what everyone is saying on here I feel like I should message her to say sorry for acting so immaturely 😬

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sonjadog · 21/04/2021 16:56

He didn't cheat on you though, did he? In your first post you said that you had broken up for a few months before he started dating this new woman.

Coyoacan · 21/04/2021 16:57

I just wouldn’t do that to one of my bestfriends out of loyalty to them I guess

The thing is that she is not doing anything to you when she is friends with other people.

Branleuse · 21/04/2021 17:01

@Megan124

Yeah, but people love a pile on if they suspect someones young.
Its nothing to do with maturity or immaturity. One of my kids is your age.
I know people who are absolutely fine with exes no matter what they did to them, and will put up with all sorts from people. I dont think thats a sign of maturity. its a sign of having poor boundaries.

You know if you see a therapist it cant be someone that you know, or who has counselled someone close to you, or knows your family - because it blurs boundaries and divides loyalties (in the real sense - not the sense of the commenter above who thinks divided loyalties means having other obligations such as family)

You dont have to accept anything that youre not comfortable with. Your intuition is there for a reason

IbrahimaRedTwo · 21/04/2021 17:04

This is more me, putting myself first and deciding who I want to be friends with, rather than dictating who she is friends with

You told her that you wouldn't be her friend unless she stopped being friends with them

Anydreamwilldo12 · 21/04/2021 17:06

The new girlfriend wouldn't bother me but the fact that he had been abusive to you and she knows this is the upsetting thing. If I was the friend I would be telling the bloke that I knew what he had done and distance myself
As for what to do next, could you explain to her that you are upset she is still good friends with him after she knows that he likes to abuse women as he did you!