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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bestfriend friends with ex and new gf

233 replies

Megan124 · 21/04/2021 15:20

Ok so my ex broke up with me in January. I was heartbroken, and one of my bestfriends ‘H’ was really there for me. I told her everything about our relationship and she was really shocked because she is friends with my ex as they work together and she said what I told her really changed her opinion of him. Then she started distancing herself from me a few months after the break up. I felt that something was up so I messaged asking if my ex had found someone new or something (I had a gut feeling that he had). She FaceTimed me and said that he was going out with a new girl from their work. I instantly threw up, I was heartbroken all over again. ‘H’ told me that she went to a party and they kissed, and then this new work group went on a drive and they kissed there as well. I was distraught obviously, but also really confused why ‘H’ (my bestfriend) was hanging out with my ex and his new girlfriend. After a few days of her telling me the news, I messaged her saying that I don’t think I can be friends with her anymore if she is friends with them. She rang me crying and said she wouldn’t be friends with them anymore, and then that was that. Then the other day I saw that she was with that work group again. I messaged her again and said, I can’t be your friend, especially now that you lied to me as well. She just didn’t understand where I was coming from, and said it was wrong of me to make her choose between me and them. I can see why it looks like I’m making her choose, but at the same time it is very uncomfortable for me knowing that she is with them and friends with them. I wouldn’t do this to any of my friends and so I expect my friends not to do it to me.
Am I being fair in this?

OP posts:
SpeedRunParent · 21/04/2021 17:08

YABVU
I'm sorry to say it but I think you're being ridiculous,
The relationship is over, my be on. Apologise to your friend for being such a nightmare, blame it on heartbreak, but tell her it's no business of yours whom she is friends with.
You've lost your ex, don't lose your friend too.

Joinedjustforthispost · 21/04/2021 17:08

Unless ex’s new gf murder your granny then Yabu for spitting the dummy out because your freind is being friendly with them, grow up in the kindest way op life’s to short to get petty over irrelevant stuff Confused

Branleuse · 21/04/2021 17:08

@IbrahimaRedTwo

This is more me, putting myself first and deciding who I want to be friends with, rather than dictating who she is friends with

You told her that you wouldn't be her friend unless she stopped being friends with them Hmm

which is her prerogative, surely?

Im so confused by peoples reactions here in all honestly.
Ive read so many threads where people have said they would drop a friend for various reasons, including the friend rehoming their dog, being unfaithful in their own personal relationship, claiming something they werent entitled to, being late for things etc. Yet distancing from a best friend who has chummed up with your abusive ex - somehow thats immature.

This is gaslighting

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 21/04/2021 17:09

I feel for your friend. She works with them so can’t avoid them and she’s already friends with your ex so it would be difficult for her to suddenly cut him off when she has to see him every day plus what he did to you doesn’t change the sort of friend he is to her iykwim.

I’d tell her it’s difficult for you to hear about him and the new girlfriend, January was only 3 months ago so it’s a fairly recent split and bound to still hurt. Go easy on yourself, break ups are hard.

Bluntness100 · 21/04/2021 17:18

This is just all over the place. Every post contradicts rhe last.

Op, my daughter is 23, if she’d ever behaved as you are doing, and thank god she hasn’t, I’d tell her that it’s a bloke. It’s not worth all this angst. It is not worth falling out with your friends over. That you simoly cannot be telling your friend you can’t be their friend if they are friends with your ex and the new girlfriend. You’re not 12. Time to grow the hell up. And your other friends. Stop being so silly and immature

It’s a lad. There will be others, he’s dumped you. He’s got a new girlfriend. Don’t bin your mates off over a lad.

Original poster
Megan124 · 21/04/2021 17:23

@Bluntness100

This is just all over the place. Every post contradicts rhe last.

Op, my daughter is 23, if she’d ever behaved as you are doing, and thank god she hasn’t, I’d tell her that it’s a bloke. It’s not worth all this angst. It is not worth falling out with your friends over. That you simoly cannot be telling your friend you can’t be their friend if they are friends with your ex and the new girlfriend. You’re not 12. Time to grow the hell up. And your other friends. Stop being so silly and immature

It’s a lad. There will be others, he’s dumped you. He’s got a new girlfriend. Don’t bin your mates off over a lad.

Yeah I hate that this is all over a boy who treated me like shit anyway. All the posts say different things so I’m getting really confused on what to do😂. I think I am gonna apologise to her for what I’ve said. But at the same time, I do need to give myself a bit of time to heal before I’m really close with her again. Hearing about him and his new gf just upsets me, even though I wish it didn’t. I can’t help how I feel though.
OP posts:
Original poster
Megan124 · 21/04/2021 17:25

@sonjadog

He didn't cheat on you though, did he? In your first post you said that you had broken up for a few months before he started dating this new woman.
He was kind of cheating. Messaging another girl when we were together. I don’t know if people see that as cheating or not. I did though.
OP posts:
katiedidnt · 21/04/2021 17:30

You lost the moral high ground when you asked her to choose.

However... my ex broke up with me after cheating on me with another girl, and I didn't ask any of our friends to choose. In fact, I specifically told them they could be friends with both me and my ex.

I half-expected them to choose me if they made a choice, given I was the wronged party.

They chose him anyway.

Sometimes you can do everything right, and your friends still pick your ex. Offering you sympathy, because I know from experience that it can hurt even more than the actual break up with the ex!

Bluntness100 · 21/04/2021 17:33

Op. You asked her what he was doing. You’ve basically given the impression you want to know. All this falling out with a friend over some guy who treated you like shit and dumped you.

Time to get some dignity. Say sorry to her that you won’t ask again. You don’t want to know, she can hang out with who she pleases, and you don’t want him to come between you

Then go habe fun with your mates and forget the loser.

Original poster
Megan124 · 21/04/2021 17:35

@Bluntness100

Op. You asked her what he was doing. You’ve basically given the impression you want to know. All this falling out with a friend over some guy who treated you like shit and dumped you.

Time to get some dignity. Say sorry to her that you won’t ask again. You don’t want to know, she can hang out with who she pleases, and you don’t want him to come between you

Then go habe fun with your mates and forget the loser.

So I asked her if he was seeing someone else because he was messaging me saying he wanted to get back together. Other than that, I’ve asked her nothing about him
OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 21/04/2021 17:39

So then tell her you don’t want to know any more.

Look this is all really teenage. You don’t threaten and bin your friends for being friends with some lad who dumped you and his girlfriend.

sonjadog · 21/04/2021 17:40

Saying you need some time away from them is a good boundary. Saying that you want to hear nothing about them is a good boundary. It is great that you want to work on boundaries but maybe you need to work a bit more on what they should look like? A boundary that you decide who a friend spends time with is not a good boundary. It is controlling and will end up with you losing good friends in the long run. A friend with good boundaries themselves would never put up with that kind of demand.

Original poster
Megan124 · 21/04/2021 17:43

@sonjadog

Saying you need some time away from them is a good boundary. Saying that you want to hear nothing about them is a good boundary. It is great that you want to work on boundaries but maybe you need to work a bit more on what they should look like? A boundary that you decide who a friend spends time with is not a good boundary. It is controlling and will end up with you losing good friends in the long run. A friend with good boundaries themselves would never put up with that kind of demand.
Yeah I think in the moment I was just really upset and angry, so went a bit far with saying I don’t want to be friends with you. I’m going to apologise for sure. Hopefully she will forgive me for acting irrational and understand that I do need a bit of time away from her until I’m all healed 😁
OP posts:
Unsure33 · 21/04/2021 17:57

I think you are being mean to your friend and putting her in a difficult position.

The problems were between you and your ex . I am afraid you have to move on . Just talk to her about other things .

If he was that bad you are better off without him .

JosephineBaker · 21/04/2021 17:59

She works with them, and it’s the kind of workplace where everyone socialises afterwards (from what you’ve said).

You would make her work life awkward and horrible if you insisted she can’t be friends and socialise with them. That’s way overstepping her boundaries.

Don’t follow SM accounts where you are likely to see images of them out having fun, don’t ask about them, and apologise to your friend for overreacting.

Original poster
Megan124 · 21/04/2021 18:03

@Unsure33

I think you are being mean to your friend and putting her in a difficult position.

The problems were between you and your ex . I am afraid you have to move on . Just talk to her about other things .

If he was that bad you are better off without him .

Yeah your right, thanks for the advice
OP posts:
Original poster
Megan124 · 21/04/2021 18:04

@JosephineBaker

She works with them, and it’s the kind of workplace where everyone socialises afterwards (from what you’ve said).

You would make her work life awkward and horrible if you insisted she can’t be friends and socialise with them. That’s way overstepping her boundaries.

Don’t follow SM accounts where you are likely to see images of them out having fun, don’t ask about them, and apologise to your friend for overreacting.

Yeah I’m gonna apologise for being so mean. Hopefully she forgives me. Thanks
OP posts:
yellowspot · 21/04/2021 18:42

@Megan124 I agree with most others here that you just cannot be dictating who aw is friends with. That said you have a right to stop speaking to her if you wish but you'll be throwing a friend away over something silly.
Im not too much older than you (7ish years) but have experience in losing a boyfriend and having people very close to me remaining friends with him. It does hurt, it's gut wrenching at the beginning knowing they're spending time with someone you miss. Especially when they've moved on. But they're you're feelings to deal with not your friends.

Text your friend and tell her you're sorry and that you were hurt. Ask her if she can avoid discussing them with you while it's still raw. Find things/ people that make you happy and forget about him. He treated you badly and you sound like a nice young girl who deserves better. And you will find it, but not at home moping about him and falling out with friends x

Rosewood017 · 21/04/2021 18:48

@Megan124 just to say I think you have responded really well to all of the comments giving advice and you taking it on board.

The AIBU thread can feel like a bit of a public shaming sometimes so it's good you are using it in the way it is intended.

You have every right to feel upset with your ex but it sounds as though you are better off without him. It will get easier with time and you will meet someone far better.

We have all been there!

Butwasitherdriveway · 21/04/2021 18:49

Usual nonsense replies from people claiming you can't possibly be upset by this. In the real world , of course you can.

Daphnise · 21/04/2021 18:54

Do try to grow up. This sounds so primary school.

You do not determine and control who of your friends is friends with whom.

In this case you may well want to jettison 'H' but do spare her the attempt to make her guilty. She prefers them to you. Why I wonder? Learn from that.

Butwasitherdriveway · 21/04/2021 18:55

@Daphnise

Do try to grow up. This sounds so primary school.

You do not determine and control who of your friends is friends with whom.

In this case you may well want to jettison 'H' but do spare her the attempt to make her guilty. She prefers them to you. Why I wonder? Learn from that.

What a nasty response.
Branleuse · 21/04/2021 19:00

@Daphnise

Do try to grow up. This sounds so primary school.

You do not determine and control who of your friends is friends with whom.

In this case you may well want to jettison 'H' but do spare her the attempt to make her guilty. She prefers them to you. Why I wonder? Learn from that.

wow
AgathaAllAlong · 21/04/2021 20:09

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Original poster
Megan124 · 21/04/2021 20:15

@Daphnise

Do try to grow up. This sounds so primary school.

You do not determine and control who of your friends is friends with whom.

In this case you may well want to jettison 'H' but do spare her the attempt to make her guilty. She prefers them to you. Why I wonder? Learn from that.

You should try and word things a little nicer. I made a mistake being mean to my friend (as we all do) and it’s just because I’m hurt, not because I am a bad person.
OP posts:
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