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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bestfriend friends with ex and new gf

233 replies

Megan124 · 21/04/2021 15:20

Ok so my ex broke up with me in January. I was heartbroken, and one of my bestfriends ‘H’ was really there for me. I told her everything about our relationship and she was really shocked because she is friends with my ex as they work together and she said what I told her really changed her opinion of him. Then she started distancing herself from me a few months after the break up. I felt that something was up so I messaged asking if my ex had found someone new or something (I had a gut feeling that he had). She FaceTimed me and said that he was going out with a new girl from their work. I instantly threw up, I was heartbroken all over again. ‘H’ told me that she went to a party and they kissed, and then this new work group went on a drive and they kissed there as well. I was distraught obviously, but also really confused why ‘H’ (my bestfriend) was hanging out with my ex and his new girlfriend. After a few days of her telling me the news, I messaged her saying that I don’t think I can be friends with her anymore if she is friends with them. She rang me crying and said she wouldn’t be friends with them anymore, and then that was that. Then the other day I saw that she was with that work group again. I messaged her again and said, I can’t be your friend, especially now that you lied to me as well. She just didn’t understand where I was coming from, and said it was wrong of me to make her choose between me and them. I can see why it looks like I’m making her choose, but at the same time it is very uncomfortable for me knowing that she is with them and friends with them. I wouldn’t do this to any of my friends and so I expect my friends not to do it to me.
Am I being fair in this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Megan124 · 21/04/2021 20:17

@AgathaAllAlong

You sound insane, you don't own your friends. She can be friends with whoever she likes. She shouldn't be giving you details though as it makes you uncomfortable.
Im not “insane” just hurt and made a mistake
OP posts:
Original poster
Megan124 · 21/04/2021 20:21

[quote Rosewood017]@Megan124 just to say I think you have responded really well to all of the comments giving advice and you taking it on board.

The AIBU thread can feel like a bit of a public shaming sometimes so it's good you are using it in the way it is intended.

You have every right to feel upset with your ex but it sounds as though you are better off without him. It will get easier with time and you will meet someone far better.

We have all been there![/quote]
Thank u, that’s nice of u to say x

OP posts:
Original poster
Megan124 · 21/04/2021 20:49

Just thought I’d add. My ex had been messaging me asking to get back together before I found out about his new girlfriend. Me my ex and bestfriend all met each other at the same time. They weren’t close when me and him were together, since we broke up they have become close. His new girlfriend only joined their work a few months ago, so my bestfriend wasn’t originally friends with her before my ex got with her. My ex treated me very badly, drove unsafely to scare me, threw things at me etc. I told my bestfriend all of this when we broke up, this is why I find it strange for her to become so close with him now. I can see why it seems like I’m being controlling, but it upsets me so much that she would be so close to him and the new girlfriend after what he did.

OP posts:
Butwasitherdriveway · 21/04/2021 22:57

@AgathaAllAlong

You sound insane, you don't own your friends. She can be friends with whoever she likes. She shouldn't be giving you details though as it makes you uncomfortable.
She does not sound insane.
Butwasitherdriveway · 21/04/2021 22:58

@Megan124

Just thought I’d add. My ex had been messaging me asking to get back together before I found out about his new girlfriend. Me my ex and bestfriend all met each other at the same time. They weren’t close when me and him were together, since we broke up they have become close. His new girlfriend only joined their work a few months ago, so my bestfriend wasn’t originally friends with her before my ex got with her. My ex treated me very badly, drove unsafely to scare me, threw things at me etc. I told my bestfriend all of this when we broke up, this is why I find it strange for her to become so close with him now. I can see why it seems like I’m being controlling, but it upsets me so much that she would be so close to him and the new girlfriend after what he did.
You didn't make a mistake.

You are in the right.

Ignore the vipers!

SandyY2K · 22/04/2021 04:06

Well from what everyone is saying on here I feel like I should message her to say sorry for acting so immaturely

I don't agree with those views.
Do what you feel comfortable with and if you don't want to do anything, leave it be.

Your feelings are not unusual and I would make me feel rather uncomfortable too, I'd just handle it differently than you have. I wouldn't feel able to have more than a surface level relationship with her. Nothing in depth.

It's often people who do this,that would be offended if it was the other way round as well.

rawlikesushi · 22/04/2021 04:28

Well I agree with you op.

It would be different if your best friend was good friends with your ex before you came along but that isn't the case.

It is odd that you introduced them, that she only met him through you, and has only become close to him - and his new gf - since you split.

I know they work together, and have to be professional and friendly during the working day, but socialising out of work, in a small group of just four, seems unnecessary and hurtful.

I can only assume that she isn't really a very good friend, and would also be backing off.

The only thing you did wrong was telling her that you were upset and couldn't be her friend - making her choose is manipulative, and gives anyone who wants to upset you (best friend, ex, whoever) some satisfaction.

Just distance yourself, there's no need for explanations, she'll know why.

BlueDahlia69 · 22/04/2021 04:54

OP ditch the friend, she has the loyalty of a sewer rat.

Your Ex is your ex and that's fine, but you don't need a running Youtube documentary about his life/relationship from your so called friend.

Your friend is enjoying sitting on the fence being all seeing all hearing.

End this and you will find your pain anxiety and stress levels decrease instantly. 🌸

Original poster
Megan124 · 22/04/2021 08:59

@BlueDahlia69

OP ditch the friend, she has the loyalty of a sewer rat.

Your Ex is your ex and that's fine, but you don't need a running Youtube documentary about his life/relationship from your so called friend.

Your friend is enjoying sitting on the fence being all seeing all hearing.

End this and you will find your pain anxiety and stress levels decrease instantly. 🌸

Yeah to be honest since I haven’t spoken to her and heard about them I feel so much better
OP posts:
DazzlingHaze · 22/04/2021 09:26

I think people are being majorly harsh here. I don't think you're wrong to want to pull back from her at all, I think most people would be uncomfortable with this situation. And I think most good friends wouldn't do what your friend has. If someone had been abusive and cruel to my friend I couldn't have any sort of relationship with them. I know it's slightly more difficult for her because she works with them but she can be professional and pleasant without being friends with them.

I do think you could have handled it better. Personally, I would have just withdrawn from the relationship and not said anything unless she asked. However, you were really hurt. I don't think there's many of us who could say we haven't mishandled a situation when very hurt.

If you feel like you need to apologise then do that. Explain your POV to her and frame it as you have to protect yourself. If you know she's hanging out with him then that will be on your mind every time you see her and that will slow the process of moving on.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 22/04/2021 09:32

You sound very immature. Please just let him go and distance yourself from your so called friend.

ShirtyGertie · 22/04/2021 09:55

You don't sound immature at all - you sound hurt. Your friend has not been a good friend but don't say anything to her about it again, just withdraw slightly but still be friendly ish. Your ex sounds horrible and it is hurtful that you told her he was abusive and she has become closer to him.

However, use this as a learning. Is it bringing up stuff from the past?What do you want from friendship? From a boyfriend? What are your boundaries? How do you get what you want and what brings you joy?

Some of the people on Mumsnet seem to be robotic in how they handle life.You are allowed to have whatever feelings you have - feel them and then move and decide how they can make your life better.

Original poster
Megan124 · 22/04/2021 11:55

@Mushypeasandchipstogo

You sound very immature. Please just let him go and distance yourself from your so called friend.
Yeah I handled the situation immaturely I should’ve just distanced myself from her instead of asking her to not be friends with them. I was just really hurt and confused as to why she would want to be so close to them.
OP posts:
Original poster
Megan124 · 22/04/2021 11:56

@ShirtyGertie

You don't sound immature at all - you sound hurt. Your friend has not been a good friend but don't say anything to her about it again, just withdraw slightly but still be friendly ish. Your ex sounds horrible and it is hurtful that you told her he was abusive and she has become closer to him.

However, use this as a learning. Is it bringing up stuff from the past?What do you want from friendship? From a boyfriend? What are your boundaries? How do you get what you want and what brings you joy?

Some of the people on Mumsnet seem to be robotic in how they handle life.You are allowed to have whatever feelings you have - feel them and then move and decide how they can make your life better.

Thanks for ur advice x
OP posts:
Original poster
Megan124 · 22/04/2021 11:57

@DazzlingHaze

I think people are being majorly harsh here. I don't think you're wrong to want to pull back from her at all, I think most people would be uncomfortable with this situation. And I think most good friends wouldn't do what your friend has. If someone had been abusive and cruel to my friend I couldn't have any sort of relationship with them. I know it's slightly more difficult for her because she works with them but she can be professional and pleasant without being friends with them.

I do think you could have handled it better. Personally, I would have just withdrawn from the relationship and not said anything unless she asked. However, you were really hurt. I don't think there's many of us who could say we haven't mishandled a situation when very hurt.

If you feel like you need to apologise then do that. Explain your POV to her and frame it as you have to protect yourself. If you know she's hanging out with him then that will be on your mind every time you see her and that will slow the process of moving on.

Thank u for the advice. I did handle the situation badly, I wish I didn’t say anything to her now but at the time I was just hurt about it
OP posts:
ShirtyGertie · 22/04/2021 13:20

Honestly, when I was 21, I made loads of mistakes, ones that would get me crucified on here Wink - that is life. Don't be so hard on yourself. I just tell myself it's all learning.

ChristmasFluff · 22/04/2021 13:28

There are no 'Switzerland friends' when someone treats you badly.

It's not about you making her choose, it's about you choosing friends who have your back. She doesn't. She is not your friend.

IbrahimaRedTwo · 22/04/2021 13:42

A lot of odd, controlling people posting on here.

It's not ok to tell your friends who they can be friends with.

WilsonMilson · 22/04/2021 13:48

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Mittens030869 · 22/04/2021 13:53

You don't sound immature at all - you sound hurt. Your friend has not been a good friend but don't say anything to her about it again, just withdraw slightly but still be friendly ish. Your ex sounds horrible and it is hurtful that you told her he was abusive and she has become closer to him.

I don’t think it’s an age thing at all. The OP has been hurt by her ex, hence why she’s found the idea of her best friend being friends with him and his new gf so difficult to cope with.

She’s actually responded in a very mature way to PPs’ comments, not ‘flouncing’ like a lot of supposedly much more mature OPs do regularly.

DaisyDreaming · 22/04/2021 14:02

Was your boyfriend abusive? I would only expect a friend to not talk to an ex if they were very abusive, if it was just a normal relationship break up you need to let your friend be friends with whoever she wants

DazzlingHaze · 22/04/2021 14:17

@IbrahimaRedTwo

A lot of odd, controlling people posting on here.

It's not ok to tell your friends who they can be friends with.

Of course not but it is okay to end a friendship if it causes you distress.
PandemicAtTheDisco · 22/04/2021 14:35

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PandemicAtTheDisco · 22/04/2021 14:36

Sorry, I don't mean you are immature for a 21 year old. You sound typical for someone just a few years out of your teens.

BlueDahlia69 · 22/04/2021 15:06

OP still has emotions feels pain and hurts like a 30/40/50/60 year old folks. Experience she will learn from this, but calling OP immature is just plain unkind.

21... We've all been there. 🌸

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