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Original poster

Bestfriend friends with ex and new gf

233 replies

Megan124 · 21/04/2021 15:20

Ok so my ex broke up with me in January. I was heartbroken, and one of my bestfriends ‘H’ was really there for me. I told her everything about our relationship and she was really shocked because she is friends with my ex as they work together and she said what I told her really changed her opinion of him. Then she started distancing herself from me a few months after the break up. I felt that something was up so I messaged asking if my ex had found someone new or something (I had a gut feeling that he had). She FaceTimed me and said that he was going out with a new girl from their work. I instantly threw up, I was heartbroken all over again. ‘H’ told me that she went to a party and they kissed, and then this new work group went on a drive and they kissed there as well. I was distraught obviously, but also really confused why ‘H’ (my bestfriend) was hanging out with my ex and his new girlfriend. After a few days of her telling me the news, I messaged her saying that I don’t think I can be friends with her anymore if she is friends with them. She rang me crying and said she wouldn’t be friends with them anymore, and then that was that. Then the other day I saw that she was with that work group again. I messaged her again and said, I can’t be your friend, especially now that you lied to me as well. She just didn’t understand where I was coming from, and said it was wrong of me to make her choose between me and them. I can see why it looks like I’m making her choose, but at the same time it is very uncomfortable for me knowing that she is with them and friends with them. I wouldn’t do this to any of my friends and so I expect my friends not to do it to me.
Am I being fair in this?

OP posts:
Marshasthorn · 23/04/2021 18:57

@BlueDahlia69

What wrong did the new gf do to you which makes you feel like you best friend can’t be friends with her?

I don’t get your thinking.

Im baffled by yours to be fair. Confused

Yeah I think I’ve figured some people require loyalty to cope with certain situations and others are just capable of brushing it off and getting on with life without having to control others in order to cope with situations .

Clearly you like the OP think that behaviour is acceptable and normal.

I don’t.

Difference of opinion and different attitude to handling a situation. That’s all.

Alann01 · 23/04/2021 19:02

Read your first post back and pretend somebody else wrote it

BlueDahlia69 · 23/04/2021 19:51

Yeah I think I’ve figured some people require loyalty to cope with certain situations and others are just capable of brushing it off and getting on with life without having to control others in order to cope with situations .

Clearly you like the OP think that behaviour is acceptable and normal.

I don’t.

Difference of opinion and different attitude to handling a situation. That’s all.

Yes there is definitely a difference in attitudes recognising Controlling Behaviours.

I believe OP is exercising her right to boundaries, that is acceptable in everyones life.

To name that as controlling demeans the many people who are living in difficult Controlling relationships.

What I consider normal is neither here nor there, what I do understand and approve wholeheartedly is OP's and everyones right to remove people from their lives who upset their mental wellbeing.

Credit to OP for her honesty.

Original poster
Megan124 · 23/04/2021 19:58

@Alann01

Read your first post back and pretend somebody else wrote it
To be fair my first post does sound really childish. I worded it wrong and missed out some key information, I’ve explained the whole story in my replies to people and if I read those from someone else I would understand where they are coming from
OP posts:
Marshasthorn · 23/04/2021 20:30

You hit the nail in the head there and I wholeheartedly agree. Removing someone from your life who affects you mental well-being is setting healthy boundaries for yourself.

Making that decision is proactive because you’re making those recovery steps. That’s really important.

But that’s not what OP has done.

I quote

‘I messaged her saying that I don’t think I can be friends with her anymore if she is friends with them’

This is not moving away from a situation that is bad for your mental health as you explained. This is OP telling a person ‘I’m not doing x because you’re doing y’

Had OP removed this friend from her life to help her mental well being and set boundaries she would have done it without the threat. And that message is a threat.

‘She rang me crying and said she wouldn’t be friends with them anymore, and then that was that.’

By this point OPs action is now causing her best friend distress but OP is okay with that because she got her way.

‘Then the other day I saw that she was with that work group again. I messaged her again and said, I can’t be your friend, especially now that you lied to me as well.’

After this , if OP was really setting the healthy boundaries you talk of, she would have walked away and not made the comment above. Because if it’s about her she would save herself the aggro and run for the hills with her thought process to sort herself out. But now she’s pinpointing her BF for a second failure. 1. Being friends with another person 2. Lying.

Not sticking up for the BF but someone who is trying to remove a person from her life that is Upsetting her mental well-being sure is dragging it out. Because she’s not getting her way.

‘She just didn’t understand where I was coming from, and said it was wrong of me to make her choose between me and them.’

Friend reached out to explain how she feels but OP still doesn’t give a toss because it’s all about her and how she feels.

If she was trying to help her own mental state she really would have just walked away by now.

‘I can see why it looks like I’m making her choose, but at the same time it is very uncomfortable for me knowing that she is with them and friends with them. I wouldn’t do this to any of my friends and so I expect my friends not to do it to me. ‘

OP expects friend to behave in the way she would behave. This is controlling someone’s behaviour in a way OP would think is fit.

By all means walk away from something which is bad for your mental health but you don’t need a four part conversation to do it and threaten the person 2 times. You just walk away. This is OP trying to control Her friend and that is not okay to do to another person.

My Opinion.

BlueDahlia69 · 23/04/2021 20:38

OP has addressed this and already told her friend she is stepping back and why.

She is not controlling the 'friend'

My Opinion

Original poster
Megan124 · 23/04/2021 20:41

@Marshasthorn

You hit the nail in the head there and I wholeheartedly agree. Removing someone from your life who affects you mental well-being is setting healthy boundaries for yourself.

Making that decision is proactive because you’re making those recovery steps. That’s really important.

But that’s not what OP has done.

I quote

‘I messaged her saying that I don’t think I can be friends with her anymore if she is friends with them’

This is not moving away from a situation that is bad for your mental health as you explained. This is OP telling a person ‘I’m not doing x because you’re doing y’

Had OP removed this friend from her life to help her mental well being and set boundaries she would have done it without the threat. And that message is a threat.

‘She rang me crying and said she wouldn’t be friends with them anymore, and then that was that.’

By this point OPs action is now causing her best friend distress but OP is okay with that because she got her way.

‘Then the other day I saw that she was with that work group again. I messaged her again and said, I can’t be your friend, especially now that you lied to me as well.’

After this , if OP was really setting the healthy boundaries you talk of, she would have walked away and not made the comment above. Because if it’s about her she would save herself the aggro and run for the hills with her thought process to sort herself out. But now she’s pinpointing her BF for a second failure. 1. Being friends with another person 2. Lying.

Not sticking up for the BF but someone who is trying to remove a person from her life that is Upsetting her mental well-being sure is dragging it out. Because she’s not getting her way.

‘She just didn’t understand where I was coming from, and said it was wrong of me to make her choose between me and them.’

Friend reached out to explain how she feels but OP still doesn’t give a toss because it’s all about her and how she feels.

If she was trying to help her own mental state she really would have just walked away by now.

‘I can see why it looks like I’m making her choose, but at the same time it is very uncomfortable for me knowing that she is with them and friends with them. I wouldn’t do this to any of my friends and so I expect my friends not to do it to me. ‘

OP expects friend to behave in the way she would behave. This is controlling someone’s behaviour in a way OP would think is fit.

By all means walk away from something which is bad for your mental health but you don’t need a four part conversation to do it and threaten the person 2 times. You just walk away. This is OP trying to control Her friend and that is not okay to do to another person.

My Opinion.

I get what your saying here. I handled the situation really badly but at the time I was just really upset and hurt, it didn’t even occur to me that I was being “controlling.” I have since messaged my friend and apologised for my behaviour. I said it’s fine that your friends with them but I might need a bit of time to come to terms with it. This is definitely what I should’ve just said in the first place, you live and you learn though.
OP posts:
Marshasthorn · 23/04/2021 20:43

@BlueDahlia69

OP has addressed this and already told her friend she is stepping back and why.

She is not controlling the 'friend'

My Opinion

Where there is and has been a threat, this is controlling behaviour.

OPs reason for backing away was ultimately because the friend didn’t do what she expected her to do. She’s created mental stability because someone (not the perpetrator ex boyfriend) didn’t do as they were told.

BlueDahlia69 · 23/04/2021 20:49

Where there is and has been a threat, this is controlling behaviour.

in your opinion, I disagree as is my right.

Newbie202012 · 23/04/2021 20:50

OP lost her bf and then feels shes losing her best friend who she has been loyal to I dont think she is being controlling at all she come on here to ask for advice on what to do, i think it's her friend hasnt any consideration for op what sort of best friend goes out with her friends ex (who she met through op )and new gf knowing op is sat at home hurting over it , shouldnt the friend be with op building her back up after the break up ? Not going out with the ex and new girlfriend going bk telling her all the details that's not a friend that's someone rubbing the salt in the wombs

Newbie202012 · 23/04/2021 20:54

Rubbing salt in the wounds

pinkypink24 · 23/04/2021 20:59

Sorry you lost me at ' throwing up when you heard he was seeing someone else' a few months after you broke up HmmA bit extreme op. And you are also being extreme expecting to dictate who your friend can be friends with.

Original poster
Megan124 · 23/04/2021 20:59

@Newbie202012

OP lost her bf and then feels shes losing her best friend who she has been loyal to I dont think she is being controlling at all she come on here to ask for advice on what to do, i think it's her friend hasnt any consideration for op what sort of best friend goes out with her friends ex (who she met through op )and new gf knowing op is sat at home hurting over it , shouldnt the friend be with op building her back up after the break up ? Not going out with the ex and new girlfriend going bk telling her all the details that's not a friend that's someone rubbing the salt in the wombs
Thanks for your message. This is unfortunately the case, I sit at home miserable when I know that they are all out together. I’ve now removed myself from seeing her social media, so hopefully I don’t find out that they are together anymore. The less I know the better.
OP posts:
Original poster
Megan124 · 23/04/2021 21:00

@pinkypink24

Sorry you lost me at ' throwing up when you heard he was seeing someone else' a few months after you broke up HmmA bit extreme op. And you are also being extreme expecting to dictate who your friend can be friends with.
Yeah I wasn’t in the best place. It was a massive shock, he’d asked for me back a few days before I was told he was with someone else.
OP posts:
Marshasthorn · 23/04/2021 21:13

@BlueDahlia69

Where there is and has been a threat, this is controlling behaviour.

in your opinion, I disagree as is my right.

😂

You need the last word don’t you?

I’ll let you have it.

BlueDahlia69 · 23/04/2021 21:15

You need the last word don’t you

I’ll let you have it.

not at all... but I do think 'controlling' behaviour being used in reference to boundaries is not good.

aSofaNearYou · 23/04/2021 21:20

It's perfectly fine if you feel you need to take a step back because it is painful for you, but I don't think she is actually doing anything wrong, so you aren't being "fair" by giving her a hard time.

Saoirse82 · 23/04/2021 21:24

I really do feel for you OP. It must be really difficult for you and I'm sure I went through similar scenarios when I was younger. Your friend is also in a shit position, work nights out were a massive thing when I was 21, we all socialised together. Maybe just ask her not to tell you all about their relationship and maybe distance yourself from her slightly while you get over the break up, don't cut her out completely but just heal yourself first.

Original poster
Megan124 · 23/04/2021 21:33

@aSofaNearYou

It's perfectly fine if you feel you need to take a step back because it is painful for you, but I don't think she is actually doing anything wrong, so you aren't being "fair" by giving her a hard time.
No I know that, I’ve apologised for being mean now :)
OP posts:
Original poster
Megan124 · 23/04/2021 21:35

@Saoirse82

I really do feel for you OP. It must be really difficult for you and I'm sure I went through similar scenarios when I was younger. Your friend is also in a shit position, work nights out were a massive thing when I was 21, we all socialised together. Maybe just ask her not to tell you all about their relationship and maybe distance yourself from her slightly while you get over the break up, don't cut her out completely but just heal yourself first.
Yes a very shitty situation unfortunately. Thanks for your message, since I’ve taken a back seat I’ve felt a lot better so it was the right thing to do at the end of the day.
OP posts:
Mittens030869 · 23/04/2021 21:36

The OP knows she wasn’t being fair and did apologise to her friend. It was her hurt that made her behave in the way she did. It’s too extreme to call her behaviour controlling.

aSofaNearYou · 23/04/2021 21:44

No I know that, I’ve apologised for being mean now :)

Good on you OP. I'm sure that as time passes and the dust settles, it will be a blessing not to have fallen out with your friend.

amusedtodeath1 · 23/04/2021 22:06

I get both sides tbh. I don't think you can reasonably ask someone to not be friends with your exs girlfriend tbh. What you can do is decide how much and what kind of interaction you have with your friend. Under the circumstances it's perfectly reasonable to ask her not to talk about them or for you to see her less while you're healing. Break ups are hard and can make you act in ways you wouldn't normally. If she really cares she will understand.Flowers

Butwasitherdriveway · 23/04/2021 22:06

@Marshasthorn controlling Hmm

secular39 · 23/04/2021 22:22

Why did you do that? Her saying "I won't be friends with the anymore" shows that she's a caring friend. You do not own her. She is not your property where you can discard or use her as you see fit. This is what primary school kids would do- not adults!

It's difficult because she's stuck in the middle and the reason why she was distant probably was because your ex had a new gf and don't want to tell you this so it was easier for her to limit contact. The minute she spoke to you, she knew she had to tell you.

Just tell her not to mention anything about the ex and I assure you she wouldn't. TBH it depends what the ex did... if he was abusive then I could see the reason why you acted like this but.... Idk.

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