Page 3 | Bestfriend friends with ex and new gf

Megan124 · 2021-04-21T14:20:45+00:00

Ok so my ex broke up with me in January. I was heartbroken, and one of my bestfriends ‘H’ was really there for me. I told her everything about our relationship and she was really shocked because she is friends with my ex as they work together and she said what I told her really changed her opinion of him. Then she started distancing herself from me a few months after the break up. I felt that something was up so I messaged asking if my ex had found someone new or something (I had a gut feeling that he had). She FaceTimed me and said that he was going out with a new girl from their work. I instantly threw up, I was heartbroken all over again. ‘H’ told me that she went to a party and they kissed, and then this new work group went on a drive and they kissed there as well. I was distraught obviously, but also really confused why ‘H’ (my bestfriend) was hanging out with my ex and his new girlfriend. After a few days of her telling me the news, I messaged her saying that I don’t think I can be friends with her anymore if she is friends with them. She rang me crying and said she wouldn’t be friends with them anymore, and then that was that. Then the other day I saw that she was with that work group again. I messaged her again and said, I can’t be your friend, especially now that you lied to me as well. She just didn’t understand where I was coming from, and said it was wrong of me to make her choose between me and them. I can see why it looks like I’m making her choose, but at the same time it is very uncomfortable for me knowing that she is with them and friends with them. I wouldn’t do this to any of my friends and so I expect my friends not to do it to me. Am I being fair in this?

wingsnthat · 21/04/2021 16:02

I’m 23 & worked at Topshop whilst I was at uni. I’m not lying when I say that everyone was sleeping with everyone - it’s awkward but you have to move past it whilst at work. Getting into weird workplace politics like this won’t work in your friend’s favour. She’s presumably 21 and trying to move forward in life - instead of coming across as difficult and childish at work. Realistically she has to put her career and finances over you sis - you should do the same.

Rosewood017 · 21/04/2021 16:02

Try to rationalise what you are really upset about. Having your heart broken makes you feel out of control. You are projecting your control on your poor friend who just wants to get on with everyone, and have a comfortable work environment.

How awkward for her to say to a colleague she barely knows that she can't speak to her because she is friends with you.

Their biggest crime here is kissing and partying during lockdown!

Original poster

Megan124 · 21/04/2021 16:05

@Rosewood017

Try to rationalise what you are really upset about. Having your heart broken makes you feel out of control. You are projecting your control on your poor friend who just wants to get on with everyone, and have a comfortable work environment.

How awkward for her to say to a colleague she barely knows that she can't speak to her because she is friends with you.

Their biggest crime here is kissing and partying during lockdown!

I don’t want her to not be friends with the new girlfriend that would be mean to the new girlfriend and she hasn’t done anything wrong. They’ve just become really close, going out together etc. I don’t want her to say to the new girlfriend, “I can’t talk to u”

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Biancadelrioisback · 21/04/2021 16:05

Okay, so that is your issue, not hers. She has done nothing wrong and you've made her feel like she has.
How long as this been going on?

What's the general timeline of everything?

If you want to keep your friendship, you need to deal with your issues. If your friendship is really that fickle and your friend means that little to you, then neither of you are really missing out on anything if it doesn't survive.

Biancadelrioisback · 21/04/2021 16:06

I don’t want her to say to the new girlfriend, “I can’t talk to u”

So what on earth do you want?!

Original poster

Megan124 · 21/04/2021 16:10

@Bluntness100

You weren’t dumped for this woman op. He ended it and moved on. Your friend has done nothing wrong. And neither has he. She should be friends with all of you. And in particular them as they work together. Messaging her like a school girl saying you won’t be her friend anymore is ridiculous and I hope for her sake she walks away

But you need to get help. Vomiting when you hear he’s moved on is disturbing. Maybe you need some counselling, as you’re so unable to move past this and it’s now impacting your behaviour to others.

I think it was because he had been emailing me asking for me back just a day before I found it this had happened. It was a massive shock at the time and I wasn’t in the best place. I’m feeling a lot better though now.

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IbrahimaRedTwo · 21/04/2021 16:14

I genuinely don’t mind that she is friends with him. It’s being friends with the new girlfriend, that’s what bothers me
That just makes it worse. You are being controlling and juvenile and you need to grow up.

Biancadelrioisback · 21/04/2021 16:15

I think it was because he had been emailing me asking for me back just a day before I found it this had happened

Convenient drip feed?

HowWeAre · 21/04/2021 16:16

She’s been friends with him for a few years now so that’s why I don’t mind her still being friends with him, despite what he did to me

Has the new gf done something wrong that makes you think she shouldn’t be friends with her? If your ex was abusive then I understand why you’d ask her not to be friendly with him. However if she works with his new gf and presumably she hasn’t done anything wrong then I can’t understand why you’d expect her not to talk to her? YABU and quite controlling.

Original poster

Megan124 · 21/04/2021 16:16

@Biancadelrioisback

I think it was because he had been emailing me asking for me back just a day before I found it this had happened

Convenient drip feed?

I don’t know what that means

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MaMaD1990 · 21/04/2021 16:17

I think you've got some growing up to do quite honestly. Your friend is stuck in the middle and your creating drama because you're jealous (that's how it seems to me anyway).

Original poster

Megan124 · 21/04/2021 16:18

@HowWeAre

She’s been friends with him for a few years now so that’s why I don’t mind her still being friends with him, despite what he did to me

Has the new gf done something wrong that makes you think she shouldn’t be friends with her? If your ex was abusive then I understand why you’d ask her not to be friendly with him. However if she works with his new gf and presumably she hasn’t done anything wrong then I can’t understand why you’d expect her not to talk to her? YABU and quite controlling.

No she’s done nothing wrong. I just thought as my bestfriend she shouldn’t be friends with my ex’s new girlfriend. But maybe I am being mean like everyone is saying for expecting this. I just wouldn’t do that to one of my bestfriends out of loyalty to them I guess

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Original poster

Megan124 · 21/04/2021 16:21

@MaMaD1990

I think you've got some growing up to do quite honestly. Your friend is stuck in the middle and your creating drama because you're jealous (that's how it seems to me anyway).

I didn’t think it was jealousy, but maybe your right. How can I not be jealous🥺

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ILikeMango · 21/04/2021 16:21

What do you mean you saw your friend hanging out with them? Was this on SM or in real life? If on SM you should set your settings so that you don’t see pics of your friend or your ex, and you should not discuss your ex with your friend at all. It’s a shame but this will all become less raw in time and after a while it won’t even matter because you won’t be interested in discussing him anyway.

HowWeAre · 21/04/2021 16:23

If she actively sought out the girl after they got together I would understand your point. But they work together and presumably she knew the girl before she started dating your ex? As long as she isn’t reporting back every detail of their relationship then your friend is doing nothing wrong. I’d be more upset over her being friendly with your ex.

Honestly if my friend was dictating to me like this I would tell her to screw her head back on and if she didn’t I would end the friendship.

Original poster

Megan124 · 21/04/2021 16:23

@ILikeMango

What do you mean you saw your friend hanging out with them? Was this on SM or in real life? If on SM you should set your settings so that you don’t see pics of your friend or your ex, and you should not discuss your ex with your friend at all. It’s a shame but this will all become less raw in time and after a while it won’t even matter because you won’t be interested in discussing him anyway.

It was on her snapchat story. I’ve taken myself off of her story now because I just don’t want to see it.

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DizSquiz · 21/04/2021 16:23

I think you sound young, and I think you need to accept that he's moved on, no hate towards the girl 'be kind' and all that! Girls need to stick together.

You will find someone who will love you better than he did, and you'll forget all about this insignificant chapter. Trust.

81Byerley · 21/04/2021 16:23

You are being very very unreasonable. There is no reason why she can't be friends with you both. Why should she stop being friends with him? He hasn't done anything to her, after all! When my husband left me for someone else after 22 years of marriage, I told all our friends I didn't want them to take sides, and not to be afraid to mention that they'd spent time with my ex and his woman. This included my brother, who was close friends and had shared a business with my ex. Did it hurt when I heard of visits etc? Of course it did. But the result was nobody lost any friends, and my ex, 30 years later, and with his 3rd wife, are good friends with my 2nd husband and me.... and all the hurt disappeared.

marchez · 21/04/2021 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Megan124 · 21/04/2021 16:24

@HowWeAre

If she actively sought out the girl after they got together I would understand your point. But they work together and presumably she knew the girl before she started dating your ex? As long as she isn’t reporting back every detail of their relationship then your friend is doing nothing wrong. I’d be more upset over her being friendly with your ex.

Honestly if my friend was dictating to me like this I would tell her to screw her head back on and if she didn’t I would end the friendship.

The new girlfriend only joined their work a few months ago, so they haven’t known each other long at all.

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Elieza · 21/04/2021 16:24

OP a drip feed is when there is relevant information left out if your original post that only gets mentioned later. ie the thing about him asking to get back with you may have been something you could have included before now.

Sounds like he’s a bit of an arse tbh. He wants you. He wants her. He wants you again. Sod his games. He needs to grow up and stop playing with peoples feelings.

Get you pal told that you don’t want to hear anything about him. And you won’t ask her anything about him either.

Original poster

Megan124 · 21/04/2021 16:27

@81Byerley

You are being very very unreasonable. There is no reason why she can't be friends with you both. Why should she stop being friends with him? He hasn't done anything to her, after all! When my husband left me for someone else after 22 years of marriage, I told all our friends I didn't want them to take sides, and not to be afraid to mention that they'd spent time with my ex and his woman. This included my brother, who was close friends and had shared a business with my ex. Did it hurt when I heard of visits etc? Of course it did. But the result was nobody lost any friends, and my ex, 30 years later, and with his 3rd wife, are good friends with my 2nd husband and me.... and all the hurt disappeared.

That’s very mature of u. I think I do need to take a leaf out of your book, thanks x

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MaMaD1990 · 21/04/2021 16:27

Err you apologise for being a ginormous oaf to your friend and carry on with your life. If she still wants to be friends with you after all of this you tell her she can be friends with whoever she wishes but you'd like her not to talk to you about them (which is reasonable). At 20 I can see why this may be all consuming but honestly, you have to behave like a grown up now.

Branleuse · 21/04/2021 16:27

I absolutely wouldnt feel able to have the same level of openness and honesty if they were also good friends with my ex and his new partner.
If it was an aquaintance or more of a low-key friend, then thats different. My best friend though, I expect a certain amount of loyalty from though, and while i wouldnt expect them to hate my ex, I wouldnt be ok with my bestie and my ex being on going out and socialising together terms. I would just distance myself and try and develop other friendships outside of that group.

Dont like the insistence that a young woman should just ignore her gut feelings here, or be a cool-girl about it.

Original poster

Megan124 · 21/04/2021 16:30

@MaMaD1990

Err you apologise for being a ginormous oaf to your friend and carry on with your life. If she still wants to be friends with you after all of this you tell her she can be friends with whoever she wishes but you'd like her not to talk to you about them (which is reasonable). At 20 I can see why this may be all consuming but honestly, you have to behave like a grown up now.

Yeah I think your right to be honest. I just have so many people giving me different opinions on it. My other friends think that’s she’s really out of order :/ I don’t want to loose her as a friend so I probably just need to grow up and get on with it

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