Defeated by my fatness - am I alone?

[BreathingDeep]

Today marks yet another day where I wake up, full of good intentions that today will be the day I change things and take steps to make my life better, and yet by lunchtime, it's all turned to rat shit and I'm back to feeling defeated by my eternal chub.

I currently weigh around 5 stones more than I should. I know this is horrendous. I am unhealthy, unfit and unhappy. I avoid mirrors at home and reflections while I'm out. I turn down invitations. I have a wardrobe bursting with clothes that don't fit and I loathe myself for staying this way.

My weight weighs me down ALL the time - from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep. Yet, despite this as a driver, I seem unable to tackle it once and for all which makes me feel even more ashamed.

Away from my weight, life is good. I'm capable, energetic, positive and decisive. I'm incredibly ambitious. I have a wonderful family and great friends but I'm aware I use 'being busy' as an excuse not to do a lot of things, losing weight being one of them.

I've gone deep and challenged myself on how I feel right now, how I want to feel, what my goal is, visualised how it would feel to be at that goal, examined what steps I need to take to make it happen, and still... it's always something I put off until tomorrow.

How can I be so capable in life and yet feel so lost when it comes to the food and drink I put in my mouth? This isn't a call for sympathy or derision, I just wondered if I'm alone in this?

You should try some counselling / CBT etc.

Do you think it's because it seems such a momentous task? As in, you've for 5 stone to lose and you know it's not going to happen overnight so it feels like too much of a slog? Like it's going to take too much time and make me feel even more miserable. I know I have felt like that.

I am losing weight at the moment but I do find your head has to be completely in the right space for it. I am down to my last 9lbs but that still feels massive and sometimes weight loss is so slow it's hard to keep focus or incentive.

I've had the same issue as you, wanting to do it and feeling crappy about myself but actually getting on and doing it is another thing.

OP i could have written your post. I am also a capable, organised, professional and (in all other wsys) happy woman. But i am so fucking fat. I about 7 stones heavier than i should be, 5 stones heavier than i want to be. I know what i need to do but sometimes the desire to eat (especially in the evenings) is overwhelming.

So i have no help to offer but you are certainly not alone. I have considered counselling but bottled it because i thought my problem wasnt 'bad' enough. But i might try again cos im just a bag of shit.

Fasting, Op, try fasting. Life changing!

Can you make one small change? Walk 10,000 steps a day, or nothing sweet before 3pm, or only drinking water or herbal teas through the week? Something achievable you can stick to and feel good about?

Counselling is definitely something I'm looking into - but like others, I've felt it too trivial and self indulgent, but actually, it's having such an impact on my life it's worth a try.

Cornishgem bloody hell, well done! And yes, I think I do have the tendency to feel defeated before I start which makes it easier to talk yourself out of any action. But I also know I feel better the very moment I'm back in control, but then sabotage myself.

Happycow I'm delighted you understand but also gutted for you that you feel the same way. It's no way to live, is it? Like you, I know what to do. I know what works. But I can't bring myself to do it. We have to draw a line though, don't we? I listened to a podcast this morning that was really powerful - about living the life we'd always imagined, or if not, what could we change, which is what's got me thinking today.

Peregrine tell me more...

Hermione, yep, definitely though I definitely fall more into the 'all or nothing' camp. The problem being it's nothing at the moment. But yes, I can commit to drinking more water and walking the dog more. Thank you.

Brilliant. Start with one only and celebrate every time you achieve it. Find a non food related way to reward yourself for your success. After a few weeks when you’ve recalled nailed that one, then add one more and so on.

First of all 5 stone isn't horrendous. It is just weight. You just need to start. Having a shit metabolism due to PCOS I have a lifetime of weightloss and gain behind me.

What works for me is to eat a little of what I want then don't bother having any evening meal. Or maybe a boiled egg. Faffing about making healthy diet meals just pisses me off. I do a lot of exercise which I enjoy but even 20 minutes dancing about is a start.
Have you got a fit bit? I have lost probably half a stone just by wearing mine regularly.
I don't weigh myself anymore as it was too depressing and set me back. I just have trousers with fixed waist bands.

Feeling so ashamed all the time is probably a contributing factor. Next time you over indulge instead of thinking of it as a failure and feeling as they whole day has gone to shit, take it on the chin and tell yourself it's fine and for the rest of the day you will make healthier choices.

I'm a huge sucker for catastrophising and thinking, 'well I've already fucked up my calories for today, I may as well just keep eating shit and start again tomorrow'. And every single day was the same.

I found breaking the cycle of my thinking helped break the cycle of my eating. Not easy though, I still have periods of time that I really struggle

I think it’s also about being kind to yourself. I am in a similar situation and I find it easier to think one day at a time. I.e. today my 2 contributing tasks are to go swimming and have a healthy dinner (fish & veg). Tomorrow, my 2 contributing tasks are to achieve 5000 steps and cook a healthy spag bol.
I also try to stick to 16:8 fasting and stay under 1500 cals but if I go over one day, I don’t sweat it. I just have less the next day.

@BreathingDeep ah I could have written this! I'm five stone heavier than I should be, three years ago I was five stone lighter (after a five stone loss!!). I look back at the pictures of me from 2018 and I just want to cry. I don't look at mirrors either and all of my lovely 'thin' clothes are in the garage. Having an underactive thyroid and a 16 month old doesn't help! Perhaps we need a support thread? Personally I haven't found counselling has helped me with food in particular. It's a big struggle isn't it!

Isn't it astounding how much time women spend worrying about weight?! I do the same and sometimes I tell myself to stop worrying about weight and focus on more important things on life...

Yes I could have written your post although I would be happy with losing 2 st. I cannot find a lifestyle diet I like and can stick to so invariably my weight fluctuates. I love my food, love a glass of wine. Part of the time I don't give a dam, life's too short, might as well enjoy it. Then another time I look shit in everything I wear and I despair. I don't know the answer but I really do sympathise. Just to add from 1st of Feb for 6 weeks I cut out all alcohol , chocolate and crisps, I didn't lose a single llb, so that did not inspire me.

BreathingDeep
I am you.
But I have started. Let me explain... About 15 years ago I lost 5 stone. I went from a size 20 to a size 10. I swore I would never get to that size again. I loved being slim although I was too slim for my body shape and it didn't look as good one me as I thought.

Anyway to cut a long story short... it has crept back up. I have no idea what size I am but I know my weight and it is not good. I go to bed thinking about how fat I am, I wake up thinking it and all day too.

Getting started is my problem and I have started! Losing weight is everything to do with what you think in your head, I know this from first time round. I have a goal as we had to cancel a trip of a lifetime a year ago and we have rebooked it for end of next year so I have to do this.

Now I have started it is better... and what is spurring me on is the app MyFitnessPal. It is giving me a focus. I log everything I eat. I monitor the calories. What is really good with it is... it can scan barcodes so you can get it accurately in. Or log it in manually.

Now... I will say it is only two weeks I've been doing it but I feel determined and if my mind is like that, there is hope. And I lost a lot of pounds the first week which is spurring me on.

Good luck, I know exactly how you feel.

Another one agreeing here! I’m goal-oriented and successful (and happy) in pretty much every other aspect of my life, but I cannot crack this. I can’t fast as I’ve got a newborn that I’m breastfeeding, although I’d agree that has kickstarted weight loss previously.

I’m definitely an emotional eater - if I’m tired or unhappy, I gorge on chocolate and then hate myself afterwards. The self-loathing is possibly the hardest thing; it’s like a constant feeling of failure dragging behind you like a ball and chain.

OP I feel exactly the same about my weight.
I could have written the first three paragraphs.
I used to do a job where I had to keep my weight down and stay fit and I imagine how great it would feel to be back to that person. I know all the things I need to do i just can't seem to make myself do them

I think about making healthy choices when I do shopping and wake up determined to do better but I just sabotage it by lunchtime.
I sometimes feel like it's a kind of self harm, I don't even want or enjoy what I'm shoving in my mouth and I'm aware of that while I'm doing it but I can't seem to stop.
I have severe problems with procrastination and I think the eating is a part of that. It's like another thing to do to delay getting on with whatever it is I should be doing.

You are definitely not alone.

You are all bloody lovely. I have a conference call now but would much rather chat to you all about awesome you are - back shortly.

And thank you. I feel far less alone now.

The self-loathing is possibly the hardest thing; it’s like a constant feeling of failure dragging behind you like a ball and chain

Wow! perfectly put OnASwankyMarleyPond

I can empathise with you, BreathingDeep. I’m currently three stone heavier than I was three years ago and I know that it is not helping my fitness, my knees, my wardrobe and my wallet. I know all the “right” things to do but I self sabotage all the time. For example, yesterday after a long day at work I called into a shop on the way home and bought a packet of crisps, a bag of iced caramels and a bag of nutty toffees. I proceeded to eat the lot-I’d hate to think how many calories there are in that lot. So this morning I woke up absolutely disgusted with myself-again- and made a resolution to have ten pounds off by my birthday in mid June. But I’ve made those types of resolutions before and then fall off the bandwagon, buying sweet rubbish when I know that it’s totally jeopardising my chances of getting down to a healthy weight. I have so little self control for a grown woman it’s unbelievable!
I really don’t know what to advise.

I’m trying to take it day by day now. So basically, controlled intake of sweet stuff with no stopping on the way home from work to buy rubbish, 2 litres of water per day (dehydration during the day has me craving sweet things in the afternoon, I know), 10,000 step goal per day, and limit TV at night, getting to bed before midnight instead.
But it is HARD. One change would be better than trying to implement a few, but a lot of my problems are interconnected, such as, dehydration +tiredness=eating high calorie sweet stuff to compensate.

Don’t focus on the 5 stone you have to lose. Start with 7 pounds. While it may not seem a lot, try carrying 7 pounds of potatoes with you on a walk and you’ll appreciate the difference a 7pound loss will make initially. HermioneWeasley’s suggestion of 10,000 step per day as a starter is a good one. If you don’t own a Fitbit, consider getting one (or similar). Wearing something like that really highlights the effect a long session spent watching tv or on social media on one’s physical activity. Best of luck, Breathing Deep. I’d love to be able to post here on Weds 16th June to say I had lost ten pounds!

Another vote here for fasting.
It'll take about a week to get used to it but after that and once your body gets the idea that no food will be coming after a certain time its plain sailing.
All of this "I dont have the time for weightloss" wont matter because you're actually giving yourself MORE time not to have to think about food/what to eat. At certain times of the day you just dont eat and that's that.
You said night time eating is the worst for you so say after your evening meal at whatever time (let's say 6pm) you dont eat any more, because you're fasting. And keep telling yourself that until your body catches up. "Oooh I really fancy... xyz.. no I cant BECAUSE IM FASTING" in a weird way it helps because you're not saying "I cant have that because of the diet" you're just not eating whatever it is because its past your eating window but if you still want it tomorrow then you can have it. I bet you wont want the thing the next day..

I would look into low carb too, only for the reason that carbs tend to make you more hungry after a few hours so say if your 6pm evening meal was carb heavy, it could make fasting until bed time harder. If that 6pm meal was low carb but had lots of protein, vegetables and healthy fats you'll be fine.

I lost almost 3 stone doing this recently.

I know how you feel op it is awful but you can change this.

I felt the same but im now fasting for Ramadan and i realise i can say no to food. After this 30 days of fasting im going to do the Cambridge one to one diet. I did it 10 years ago and it worked for me before. I think something like this might work for you as you get a consultant and it takes the thinking out of planning meals etc. You could at least do it to rapidly lose 2 stone and then decide what you want to do for the other 3 stone.

I am the same op. It has ruined every aspect of my life from being able to go swimming and on rides with my kids, to affecting my confidence, to leaving me feeling exhausted and depressed every day of my life. I don't know what the answer is.

It sounds like you're approaching this from a perspective of 'omg I have five stone to lose, it's too much' and then feeling overwhelmed and like it's an impossible task.

Weight loss occurs as the result of consistent daily changes!

Try not to think about how you have to lose 5st, try to think about how you have to make it through half of the day today making better choices. Keep it simple, you don't have to faff around spending money on specific foods or a gym membership, don't have to exercise or buy anything in particular, you have to maintain a caloric deficit each day and the weight will come off.

If you're 5st overweight you could probably lose weight very easily eating 1800cal per day, use a calculator online to find out what you should be eating to lose 0.5-1lb per week, download MyFitnessPal, create an account and start tomorrow morning.

It's simple. Is it easy? No! Of course not. Food is pleasurable and enjoyable and it feels amazing to eat whatever you like whenever you like. But for you is that pleasure worth the pain of being overweight? It doesn't sound like it, it sounds like you're really unhappy. You can still eat, still eat the things you like, you just need a way to eat less of it and find some tricks that work for you (for example I always keep a water bottle with me with nice cold teas to sip on and keep flavoured raisins kicking around as they're delicious and only 70cal compared to the hundreds of calories I can sink into other snacks).

I recently lost 28lb with the above and it was a piece of cake. Don't overthink it, just do. You don't need motivation to lose weight, just discipline, and discipline gets stronger the more you use it. Other people have managed to lose a heck of a lot more weight than you have to lose, there's absolutely no reason under the sun why you can't be one of them. Good luck.

Please try to do this, you can, I am and if I can anyone can.

Break it down into lots of little pieces rather than a big goal of 5 stone. And find out what motivates you, for me I love a good spreadsheet and being able to see my progress.

I use MyFitnessPal to track my food, even the high calorie junk food that sneaks in here and there. If i have a day where I go over then I start again the next day.

This is what weight loss has looked like for me.