Defeated by my fatness - am I alone?

[BreathingDeep]

Today marks yet another day where I wake up, full of good intentions that today will be the day I change things and take steps to make my life better, and yet by lunchtime, it's all turned to rat shit and I'm back to feeling defeated by my eternal chub.

I currently weigh around 5 stones more than I should. I know this is horrendous. I am unhealthy, unfit and unhappy. I avoid mirrors at home and reflections while I'm out. I turn down invitations. I have a wardrobe bursting with clothes that don't fit and I loathe myself for staying this way.

My weight weighs me down ALL the time - from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep. Yet, despite this as a driver, I seem unable to tackle it once and for all which makes me feel even more ashamed.

Away from my weight, life is good. I'm capable, energetic, positive and decisive. I'm incredibly ambitious. I have a wonderful family and great friends but I'm aware I use 'being busy' as an excuse not to do a lot of things, losing weight being one of them.

I've gone deep and challenged myself on how I feel right now, how I want to feel, what my goal is, visualised how it would feel to be at that goal, examined what steps I need to take to make it happen, and still... it's always something I put off until tomorrow.

How can I be so capable in life and yet feel so lost when it comes to the food and drink I put in my mouth? This isn't a call for sympathy or derision, I just wondered if I'm alone in this?

I've just read that back and sorry I do sound like a judgmental wank badger. For what it's worth, what I meant is can you focus on feeling as you do every time you go to eat something excessive?

I haven't rtft, sorry.
I was like you, OP, and when I finally decided to do something about my weight, I lost over 7st. (16:8, keto and lots of strength training and Hiit).

Other posters have probably already given you very good advice re weight loss. I would just like to point out that losing weight has been good for my health, energy levels (and vanity...) but it has not solved any of the other problems in my life.

I’m the same. I hate myself for it, I run 20-40 miles a week plus a couple of workouts, I walk everywhere that I can and I’m still fat so I can vouch for the fact that laziness doesn’t really come into it! I wasn’t overweight at all until I had my 3rd dc but now I have been for 4 years and I cannot get rid of it. I find it very embarrassing especially as I do so much exercise, I feel like a joke to be honest.

Following.. currently pregnant but know I will want to return to this thread at some point in the future .. have felt like this for a long time.. even paid for a gastric band .. failed miserably.. please PM me if you find something that works ..

I'm in your shoes right now too op...I'm 3 maybe 4 stone overweight and only 5'1". I have lost weight before on ww and sw so I know it can be done but I just cant get motivated. I joined sw again last jan and was down a stone but then lockdown happened, meetings stopped and I went all to pot. I have meant to start again every week since January and keep putting it off till next week. I eat when I'm bored. I know it's got to stop but I just can't make myself do it!!!

@Yay4spring I did 20/4, two meals a day (no snacks!) for about 3 months.. it was pretty hardcore tbh but I felt fine with it hunger wise.

I wouldnt really recommend going in like that, I started it that way as I heard longer fasts are better but then read that long fasts arent very good for women re hormones so 16-18 hours fasts are much safer. I do17-7 now (random I know but it just works out that way 😆) and I'm really happy with it.
It gets to a point where you just dont feel hunger outside of your "eating window".

For anyone reading who doesn't know (and anyone else feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, I'm no expert this is just what I've learned/know) it's to do with your hunger hormones.

If you always eat at 8am breakfast, 1pm lunch, 6pm dinner and 9pm (snacks) your body is used to that eating pattern and you will feel hungry around those times automatically (hunger hormones are released) as your body is expecting food.
Say then you skip breakfast and move lunch closer, so you eat at 11am-12pm then have dinner at 6pm as usual and a 9pm snack, then you're only eating for 9-10 hours a day. Then you can move the snacks earlier (or better still cut then out altogether!) to 8pm, then you're only eating for 8 hours a day, 12pm-8pm, you're doing a 16/8 fast. (Obviously youd have to find an eating pattern that suits you, some people like breakfast but dont feel like eating at night)
After a week or so your body gets used to the pattern and you wont miss breakfast and wont be hungry outside of your set times (you do have to be mindful of what you eat at meal times to make the most of nutrition and eat foods that will "see you over" like I said about carbs making you more hungry, low carb and IF go hand in hand really, doesn't have to be keto just be mindful, dont go eating massive plates of pasta etc as you'll just be hungry a few hours later)
Breakfast is usually the easiest to skip as most dont feel hungry as soon as they wake up and are often busy at that time so its easier to push forward.

Thing with hunger is, it doesn't get worse over time, we think of it as some uncomfortable thing that's going to get worse and worse to unbearable levels if we dont eat, it doesn't. It reaches a peak then goes back down again. Like when you miss lunch because you were too busy, by 3pm you're not hungry at all because its passed, you didnt give your body the food it was expecting and it went away. You didnt start gnawing your arm off in hunger as the hours went by.
Its the same with fasting in the early days, just reset your hunger hormones, ride it out for a few days then eventually your body catches on and it makes dieting easier. We don't have to eat all the time and it's possible to get your body out of the loop of wanting food all time. It wants it because you keep giving it!

@roarfeckingroarr

I genuinely don't understand how - feeling as you do - you don't just not eat that extra food. I'm not being a dick, I just genuinely can't imagine doing something day in day out that made me feel so dreadful about myself.

You are very lucky.

@Buffaloskull is right. I was amazed how little time it took to get used to not eating breakfast or supper. I am doing intermittent fasting and doing 19:5 mostly.

Counselling is definitely something I'm looking into - but like others, I've felt it too trivial and self indulgent, but actually, it's having such an impact on my life it's worth a try

It definitely is.

The reason you haven't lost the weight yet is that there is probably a lot going on underneath all of this that you need to pull out into the open and explore.

Counselling is a good way to do that and it certainly isn't "trivial", being overweight is something that has a massive effect on your life and your whole sense of self, over a very long period by the sound of it. These issues will be very deeply ingrained in you and they need exploring with support.

Don't beat yourself up for not being able to do this on your own - reach out for some help.

roarfeckingroarr thank you for your message, especially the second one (I mean, who doesn't love a judgemental wank badger) and yes, you make a really good point. I, and others on here I'm sure, just don't understand it either. On paper it's so straightforward but in reality, it's a mess of complex emotions.

SecretSpAD Oh I could have written this. Yes, being stressed and exhausted plays a part - like you, I have a really busy job which comes with a lot of pressure and my days regularly get hijacked by a client or colleague. Add kids, house, family pressures, pets and so on, and it's no wonder we don't whip up a tuna nicoise when there's a curry to be ordered...

It is not a moral failing to be overweight, and you are not horrendous. That kind of thinking and shame based reaction leads to mental defeat before you even begin to work on making different choices. I think you are probably setting expectations too high for yourself and therefore setting yourself up to fail, and doing a lot of negative self talk. If you work on more realistic and kind expectations and self talk about yourself, you may find it easier to do what you have to in order to lose weight. Oh, and setting different types of goals will help too - dont make it all about weight and appearance. If you focus on exercise goals, or adding in more fruit and veg, that also gives you a bigger chance of succeeding in some of what you want to do. Good luck.

Just to add to my previous point about counselling and exploring the underlying issues here.

Imagine a weed growing in the lovely beautiful garden of your life.

If you do this Cambridge plan you mention (looks a bit miserable btw - I lost weight by cutting a few calories and walking - much less painful). What you are basically doing is just cutting down that weed.

You will get fed up of that diet and it will grow back, because it's not a sustainable lifestyle.

You need to get to the ROOTS of this, and the first step with that is talking through what is actually going on.

I don't know if that analogy is helpful but I find it a good way of looking at things. Diets are a fad and will only be a temporary surface level fix - you will be back where you started in a few months or a year's time. That is why I really think counselling is the way to go.

Good luck though whatever you decide.

NancyWhitehead thank you, you're absolutely right. I worked out, last year during the first lockdown, just how much emotional baggage I have that needs to be unpicked and while none of it was directly about my weight, I know so much of it relates to feeling unworthy and not good enough...

I totally agree that it all starts in your head. The times when I have have lost weight easily have all been usually at the end of a great holiday, or when we have moved house and I am feeling positive, or something else is going on which makes me feel good. I have never done it when I was feeling low, stressed or powerless. I have tried many times writing down reasons why I need to do it, setting targets, visualising wonderful holidays etc. It never works. I find for me personally, pressure and expectation makes me give up because I feel stressed by it.
I lost 2 stones ten years ago quite easily after years and years of trying because I was in the right mindset. Unfortunately, I had a major bereavement about a year later and all sorts of other life pressures, and it started to creep back on.

The only things that have worked for me in the past are low carbing or calorie counting, or both. I worked out I am insulin resistant when I did it last time. I was worried about diabetes and sick of not being able to climb hills easily etc. low carbing made me feel so much better and I had loads more energy. However, this time I just can't get into it. Last summer I started MFP for the umpteenth time and started weighing my cereal in the morning. I was aghast that I was eating three times what i should have been just in my morning cereal. I decided to portion out meals and freeze them in take away containers because what has let me down in the past is not having anything to eat which is calorie counting and portion controlled. It was so easy. Cereal, weighed out religiously in the morning. Home made soup and a couple of oatcakes for lunch. Small portion of home made chilli or something for dinner. I lost weight, I felt motivated. Then we went out for a meal for our anniversary and it all went to pot. I didn't even enjoy the meal out, in fact it made me feel ill. I fell off the waggon, and here I am , making lists of reasons why i need to lose weight!!
MPF does work if you are careful , but i think cutting out carbs as much as possible really helps, as does cutting out alcohol. If you are insulin resistant, sugar, alcohol or carbs are absolutely death to weight loss.
It is really important to exercise every day for at least an hour, brisk walking, swimming, whatever as well. Drink lots of water, and don't eat the 'exercise calories'.
This is my recipe for success, if only I could do it!!

@mermaidsariel the focus is basically changing one small thing at a time and forming healthy habits. The diet itself as i mentioned is a low carb one - fairly strict for the first 5 days but then you can reintroduce chocolate, wine etc but in a more mindful way. You get articles to read each day and each week has a theme - either nutrition, exercise, sleep, etc, teaching you the science of gaining weight. The app also has loads of recipes, exercises etc. It has worked for me anyway, I think my head was in the right place to start focusing on health (and not just weight loss). I genuinely do feel great for it - and completed my first couch to 5k run today which is practically a miracle lol

@sylv Well done!!

I think a lot of us are in the same situation. I'm about 4 stone overweight and currently shaped like a barrel.

I'm on the Why we eat (too much) thread which is about eating better food and losing weight. The book explains why dieting doesn't work and why it's not our fault.

I'm hoping this works for me, it's much nicer than trying to starve myself and just ending up fatter

I’m in the same boat. I need to lose 5st (6 if I’m being super honest). I hate seeing myself in reflections and mirrors and go out of my way to avoid them.

I’ve always had weight issues and have gone up and down more times than a Jack in a box. For me, the only thing I’ve found is to cut right down. I’m day 3 into a VCLD very slim to Cambridge. I see foods as good and bad and there’s no between. I have a stupidly busy stressful (though it shouldn’t be) job, three kids (two are autistic) and I’ve found that I’ve become really lonely and isolated. I work remotely and when my kids were small toddler groups were impossible. The youngest is still incredibly challenging and food feels like the only pleasure I have left. But I know it’s doing my health no favours and I worry constantly about dying and leaving my kids. My body image is also incredibly poor.

I eat for a range of reasons. Boredom, stress, feeling happy, feeling sad and feeling downright miserable.

I’m taking it one day at a time. I find I can snack at certain times so I’m trying to find things to do during that time to distract me.

It’s so, so hard to lose weight, isn’t it? I’ve been overweight all my adult life, bar a brief spell after I had DC when I got down to a normal weight. Slowly, it’s all crept back on and in January I was 7 stone overweight! Even the worry of COVID affecting obese people didn’t spur me into action.

In the past I have been one to make a plan, spreadsheets, menus, take measurements etc and then lose interest.

This time, I have just taken it one day at a time. I bought an Apple Watch to motivate me which has been brilliant. I make a conscious effort to close my rings every day. I started off just saying I would do 30 minutes of exercise. Some days that’s a walk, some days a workout from YouTube, just whatever I can be bothered with really, but I tell myself anything is better than nothing. I’ve started C25K and I can now run for 12 minutes straight.

Food wise, I use MyFitnessPal. I didn’t want to eat different things to everyone else or be fasting when they’re tucking into dinner, so I calorie count. I’ve now got a huge range of low calorie dinners. I use the recipe bit on MFP so I can see where the calories come from and tweak them every time I cook them to get the calories nice and low. I managed a home made margarita pizza at the weekend with proper dough and full fat mozzarella for about 400 calories and it was lush.

Since January, I have lost 3 stone. Still 4 to go but I feel positive and motivated to keep going. I’ve had birthdays with cakes and takeaways and just logged the calories and moved on. I’ve learnt I can have a cheat meal - not a whole day - but I find myself not wanting to undo my hard work.

Start slowly and build on your progress. You didn’t put weight on overnight, and it won’t come off overnight but every small step is a step towards your goal.

Good luck OP and everyone else trying to lose weight. It is hard work, but the hard work will pay off.

There are so many ways to lose weight.
One will work for you!
As a very experienced dieter (40lb down) I'd say think about what you usually do and then choose something different this time. :)

Whatever you choose:
It is possible to make a drastic change for a short time... but not forever. If you want to make your weight loss permanent, you need to find something that you can sustain. (Something that is not a permanent strain on the will-power and good spirits -because that is not realistic.)

Fat is not a personality fault. Please try hard not to think that it is. It really is just a physical matter.

However, the reasons you became fat (and find it difficult to change this) are something worth exploring.

For me: (Also an extremist or so I thought)
I realised that the child in my head that will never stop screaming for food is quietened by low-carbing.

(She comes back if I return to carby foods for long - but I know her for what she is now and this helps.)

BIWI's low-carb bootcamp (on Mumsnet) was a real turning point for me after years of VLCD and calorie-counting and weight-watchers and slimming world.

I have will-power but it cannot hold out forever. Low-carbing does not seem to require daily will-power because the foods on it seem to counter that constant desire to eat.

Noom is really worth a try. It helps with the psychology of losing weight - how to alter your mindset and think differently. It also has recipe ideas and helped me understand what’s healthy and what isn’t without it being a chore. I have found several quick things to eat which I actively like and are healthy and it makes all the difference. Good luck.

I am currently reading The Fuck It Diet by Caroline Dooner.
I honestly cannot recommend it enough. Proper life changing.

@BreathingDeep find a few recipes that are easy, quick and that you enjoy eating and just rinse and repeat them.

For me I dont really like having breakfast and rarely have time for it so if I am hungry in the morning I need something that's quick and easy or I end up having something like toast with butter and jam. Now I make sure there are boiled eggs in the fridge all the time. Dd eats them if I don't but they're there and I can just grab one as a quick breakfast or snack. I boil up half a dozen at once.

Lunch I like microwave steamed veg with a knob of butter, salt & pepper then I slice up some sandwich meat and mix that in. 3 minutes in the microwave for a warm salad that's tasty and low calorie.

I always have bolognaise soup in the freezer, whip up a batch with 500g minced beef, tin of tomatoes, veg stock, mushrooms, onion, seasoning and whatever other veg I have to hand. It makes at least 5 servings more if I add more veg and each serving is about 200-250 calories.

There's a blank version of my spreadsheet here if anyone wants to use it.

drive.google.com/file/d/1mjaVTijjOxYjXruqLq14A113BVyhDBph/view?usp=sharing

It's not your fault. Instead of trying to lose weight try to improve your microbiome - gut health and then a healthy weight will follow

@1WayOrAnother2 this is so true:

"For me: (Also an extremist or so I thought)
I realised that the child in my head that will never stop screaming for food is quietened by low-carbing. "

Low carb has definitely tamed my sweet tooth. I've tried WW and SW in the past and I found with both I got too caught up in the idea of what "treat" I could have within my allowances which didn't really change my habits in the long term