Defeated by my fatness - am I alone?

[BreathingDeep]

Today marks yet another day where I wake up, full of good intentions that today will be the day I change things and take steps to make my life better, and yet by lunchtime, it's all turned to rat shit and I'm back to feeling defeated by my eternal chub.

I currently weigh around 5 stones more than I should. I know this is horrendous. I am unhealthy, unfit and unhappy. I avoid mirrors at home and reflections while I'm out. I turn down invitations. I have a wardrobe bursting with clothes that don't fit and I loathe myself for staying this way.

My weight weighs me down ALL the time - from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep. Yet, despite this as a driver, I seem unable to tackle it once and for all which makes me feel even more ashamed.

Away from my weight, life is good. I'm capable, energetic, positive and decisive. I'm incredibly ambitious. I have a wonderful family and great friends but I'm aware I use 'being busy' as an excuse not to do a lot of things, losing weight being one of them.

I've gone deep and challenged myself on how I feel right now, how I want to feel, what my goal is, visualised how it would feel to be at that goal, examined what steps I need to take to make it happen, and still... it's always something I put off until tomorrow.

How can I be so capable in life and yet feel so lost when it comes to the food and drink I put in my mouth? This isn't a call for sympathy or derision, I just wondered if I'm alone in this?

Another one here. I’m eight stone overweight 😳 generally happy in life, have a professional job. But recently diagnosed with ADHD in my forties which does explain a number of the struggles I have had in life.

I’m at the point though where I’m genuinely feeling horrible and unhealthy and know I’m shortening my lifespan. I need to do something, I just don’t know where to start.

@BreathingDeep exactly.

[quote aliensprig]@BreathingDeep ah I could have written this! I'm five stone heavier than I should be, three years ago I was five stone lighter (after a five stone loss!!). I look back at the pictures of me from 2018 and I just want to cry. I don't look at mirrors either and all of my lovely 'thin' clothes are in the garage. Having an underactive thyroid and a 16 month old doesn't help! Perhaps we need a support thread? Personally I haven't found counselling has helped me with food in particular. It's a big struggle isn't it![/quote]
Your story is almost identical to mine. It's so rubbish isn't it.
I don't even eat that badly but I do drink a lot of wine.

Thanks @PeskyRooksRGT that books sounds up my street. I did enjoy Gene Eating by Giles Yeo as it went through the science, and what’s bollocks, it made a lot of sense.

@BreathingDeep hey new bestie happy to go through this journey with you. I need accountability, it’s why MFP never works for me, if i don’t do it, so what, nothing happens. Whereas I’m really good at work, because i have to do work and there are consequences if I don’t. Getting fat doesn’t count as a consequence as it only impacts me. I should have carried on that therapy years ago and worked through this......

The only time I’ve successfully lost weight was when i had gallstones, completely low fat diet otherwise excruciating agony and 5 hours in A&E, turns out that’s consequence enough for me. Once the gallbladder was out, all back to normal. Sometimes I almost wish I still had the stones.

I keep reading weight training helps, and quite fancy doing that, although no desire to enter a sweaty gym during a pandemic, so will figure out what I can do in the garden. Also thought about buying Peleton bike, treadmill, but worried it will just become another expensive storage rack.

By the way, does anyone else weight personal trainers/ weight loss people popping up on LinkedIn? I keep getting invites along the lines of “I help busy executives and entrepreneurs lost 30lbs”. No I don’t want to sodding connect, why would I want that in professional connections

I totally agree that it all starts in your head. The times when I have have lost weight easily have all been usually at the end of a great holiday, or when we have moved house and I am feeling positive, or something else is going on which makes me feel good. I have never done it when I was feeling low, stressed or powerless. I have tried many times writing down reasons why I need to do it, setting targets, visualising wonderful holidays etc. It never works. I find for me personally, pressure and expectation makes me give up because I feel stressed by it

That's how I feel. Years ago I was working on a project with women who were overweight to explore their feelings (not as wanky as I'm making it sound because I'm being vague as outing). Their views were exactly the same as this. It is so important to get to the right place mentally as emotions and food are interlinked for a lot of people.

I'm not a food addict. Many women aren't food addicts. We are just exhausted by life and can't cope with the extra mental load of thinking about diets, weighing food, cooking different food to fussy kids (not a problem I have to be fair), thinking about having to buy the ingredients for the meals in the depressing meal plans.

I don't know about everyone else, but I look at a meal plan for a diet and see no coffee, no alcohol, and think fuck it. I'll stay fat because I can't cope with it all.

Then I drink wine and have to be up at the crack of dawn to give the first lot of medication to my dog, listen to my daughters fears about school and bullying (we're moving her at the end of the academic year), my husband calls and he is stressed because he's working closely with a bunch of cunts and desperate to retire but can't because of covid - then I have 16h ahead of me most days of dealing with patients as a GP and in my other role as a clinical lead for something covid related (can't say what as outing) which is mostly stress and firefighting.

And I realise I'm using this thread as therapy so sorry and I'll shit up now to you all.

Can I join??

So many posts here could have been written by me. 5 stone needs to go but I'd be happy with just 1 to start with. I've just started looking at MFP after failing yet again with WW.

@HalfShrunk I love your spreadsheet! Duly downloaded ready to record my depressing statistics.

I've got bought Lose Weight Feel Great by Dr Rangan Chatterjee which apparently deals with weight loss in a holistic way...but haven't read it yet (story of my life)!

I'd love a support thread

I’m the same... I have been slim, and while it’s true-ish that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, once you’re fat (again!) almost everything tastes better than being fat feels... so it’s always a hard journey to start again
I started again on Monday - my knees ache, I get out of breath going up stairs, none of my lovely clothes fit, I hate catching sight of my reflection (I don’t mind looking in the mirror, it’s the accidental, unprepared, glimpses I hate!)

Good luck, it’s hard but it is possible.

When I lost 5 stone god knows how long ago (maybe 15 years) I gave away all my 'fat' clothes. I actually gave them to a MNer who had gone from a size 24 or 26 to a size 20.

There were some lovely clothes in there and they'd fit me now

It can be done again, I know it can. Onward and upward.

It is not a moral failing to be overweight, and you are not horrendous. That kind of thinking and shame based reaction leads to mental defeat before you even begin to work on making different choices. I think you are probably setting expectations too high for yourself and therefore setting yourself up to fail, and doing a lot of negative self talk. If you work on more realistic and kind expectations and self talk about yourself, you may find it easier to do what you have to in order to lose weight

Babygotblueeyes you've nailed it here. My internal voice is incredibly harsh. It's no wonder I fail at the first hurdle so often.

And Mermaids, yes, you've nailed it too.

I totally agree that it all starts in your head. The times when I have have lost weight easily have all been usually at the end of a great holiday, or when we have moved house and I am feeling positive, or something else is going on which makes me feel good. I have never done it when I was feeling low, stressed or powerless. I have tried many times writing down reasons why I need to do it, setting targets, visualising wonderful holidays etc. It never works. I find for me personally, pressure and expectation makes me give up because I feel stressed by it.

It's so bloody hard to do. I'm a great investor in books, audiobooks, equipment, journals - I always think this one latest new shiny thing will. help me crack it... but it doesn't, it just adds to the pressure to actually just do the thing.

I need to just do the thing.

Justanothername welcome aboard my love, the more the merrier. I also have one of his books - it's added to the stack of books I have to make life better that I've never read. The trouble is they become another thing I have to do, rather than something I actively want to do... I'm my own worst enemy, I know.

OK, so tomorrow's plan is to make a couple of small changes. I'm going to drink more water and move more. I can do these without freaking out and inhaling Mini Eggs. Slowly but surely.

Another vote for intermittent fasting. Read Feast Fast Repeat and then The Obesity Code.
I took my A level biology students to a series of lectures a couple of years ago, and there was one by Jason Fung. It sounded really interesting, but I forgot about it afterwards.
I came across the idea of intermittent fasting again in the Autumn, and started in the January after reading the books above.
It’s soooo much easier than I thought fasting would be (as long as I fast clean - water and black coffee only).
I do 16 or 18 hours each day - so really it’s just not snacking after the evening meal, plus skipping breakfast.
I’ve lost 18lb so far, so not super quick, but there’re so many other benefits too (no loose skin due to autophagy, increased energy/mental clarity, NO Hunger!) At this rate of loss I’ll be my target weight by the Summer.

I wonder if to start with it’s about making small changes. Mine is ensuring I do 10,000 steps a day. Drinking three litres of water. I think it’s the starting that feels the hardest especially when you’re looking to lose like I am a lot of weight. The motivation comes when you start seeing the changes. It’s just getting into action to start making changes.

This is me too

How old are you OP? Because I feel very similar to you and it's been a gradual process over the last 10 years which coincidentally is when I've been perimenopausal/menopausal (I'm 53). When I was younger I could just eat a bit less and lose weight. Now it feels sooooo hard.

I really understand OP. Sometimes I think "did I eat and move the same way that a person who isn't overweight would?" The answer is usually no. Basically, I'm not eating and moving in a way that would sustain my target BMI of 22-24. I need to live the life that I want, but start now while the outer shell doesn't match.
I too found 16:8 liberating (and moderately low carb) and need to get back to it.

@Bessica1970

Another vote for intermittent fasting. Read Feast Fast Repeat and then The Obesity Code. I took my A level biology students to a series of lectures a couple of years ago, and there was one by Jason Fung. It sounded really interesting, but I forgot about it afterwards. I came across the idea of intermittent fasting again in the Autumn, and started in the January after reading the books above. It’s soooo much easier than I thought fasting would be (as long as I fast clean - water and black coffee only). I do 16 or 18 hours each day - so really it’s just not snacking after the evening meal, plus skipping breakfast. I’ve lost 18lb so far, so not super quick, but there’re so many other benefits too (no loose skin due to autophagy, increased energy/mental clarity, NO Hunger!) At this rate of loss I’ll be my target weight by the Summer.

Presumably you have to be careful what you eat when you do eat though? My problem is I eat fairly "healthily", ie not actual junk and not lots of snacks, but too much (I'm not overweight but want to lose fat, I have a small frame). I am sure mentally I'd think 'well I've fasted for x hours so I can eat a bit more now'! I also am sure I'd be hungry...!

You are not alone. I am 6 stone over weight and could have also written your post. It bothers me every day and yet the best I can do - many many times now - is lose 1-2 stones before something happens and before I know it I have put the weight back on again. I am seeing a therapist next week in the hope I can get this sorted. I entirely emphasis with your struggle. I really worry about the long term health impact is is having on me and my ability to be around long term for my DC if I don’t address it ASAP.

#badguyduh
Some people doing IF just eat normally, some do keto or low carb. It depends what works for you.
By trial and error I’ve found it works for me if I eat high fat (good fats like olive oil/ full fat Greek yoghurt/eggs) but low processed carbs.

You’re right there is a temptation to go mad when the fast ends, so I log on MFP now and then just to check I’m not overdoing the calories

I’m another who understands exactly where you’re coming from and another advocate for intermittent fasting. I have yo-yoed many times and during the first lockdown definitely put on weight. At the beginning of November l decided enough was enough and had heard about a friend who had lost a lot of weight this way. I do 16/8, which means I can eat between around midday and 8pm. I don’t know how it works but it does for me. I do not possess a set of bathroom scales but have comfortably gone down from a size. It is very noticeable and I feel much better. I would imagine l have lost at least two stones. I would advise you to take it one day at a time and if you have a day where you overeat, remember that it really is only one day and you can start afresh the next day. Good luck.

I'm another one to suggest intermittent fasting. Watch Cynthia Thurlow's TED talk on Youtube and Dr Jason Fung's many Youtube videos too.

I currently do 16:8 (16 hours of fasting to 8 hour feeding window). It's so doable and has so many long term health benefits as well as weightloss.

I might think about fasting. I never feel hungry, I just eat out of habit and greed.
I don't like breakfast, and I can easily not eat after 6.30pm or thereabouts

I am this person too! I need to lose 3 stone, maybe 4. I have a good job, friends etc. but very little control over what I eat. I can be saying I should not be eating this, literally as I eat it and my hand just does not listen.

i could have written that op, really i could

but 3 years ago i had lost the weight....lost 5 stones and took up running, ran london marathon twice!!

now its back on....5 stones.

@Breathing good plan, I'll aim for the same.

And I totally get what you said about books, apps, tools etc - I've bought the lot. None of them make me DO THE THING!