Defeated by my fatness - am I alone?

[BreathingDeep]

Today marks yet another day where I wake up, full of good intentions that today will be the day I change things and take steps to make my life better, and yet by lunchtime, it's all turned to rat shit and I'm back to feeling defeated by my eternal chub.

I currently weigh around 5 stones more than I should. I know this is horrendous. I am unhealthy, unfit and unhappy. I avoid mirrors at home and reflections while I'm out. I turn down invitations. I have a wardrobe bursting with clothes that don't fit and I loathe myself for staying this way.

My weight weighs me down ALL the time - from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep. Yet, despite this as a driver, I seem unable to tackle it once and for all which makes me feel even more ashamed.

Away from my weight, life is good. I'm capable, energetic, positive and decisive. I'm incredibly ambitious. I have a wonderful family and great friends but I'm aware I use 'being busy' as an excuse not to do a lot of things, losing weight being one of them.

I've gone deep and challenged myself on how I feel right now, how I want to feel, what my goal is, visualised how it would feel to be at that goal, examined what steps I need to take to make it happen, and still... it's always something I put off until tomorrow.

How can I be so capable in life and yet feel so lost when it comes to the food and drink I put in my mouth? This isn't a call for sympathy or derision, I just wondered if I'm alone in this?

OP, I know exactly how you feel and am also 5st overweight - it definitely colours everything I do and I can't count the number of experiences I've turned down from being too self-conscious or thinking myself inferior. I'm just too good at finding an excuse for eating whatever I want. Dieting is not a thing for me and I find it hard to stick to things at the best of times, even if I enjoy them. I know my self-worth shouldn't be tied up with my weight but the fact is that it is.

I really want to make some changes to improve my health so you've inspired me to avoid the overwhelm by focusing on smaller goals rather than thinking about the daunting 5st target.

From now on, I pledge to:

• eat veg every day
• only focus on losing one stone at a time, without a deadline but keeping it at the front of my mind
• go to bed earlier so I can wake up in time to eat a healthier breakfast before work
• be more mindful of my portion sizes
• not give in to cravings when I pop to the shops

Hopefully, these small changes will be doable for me! I really hope you find a way to make a few changes to feel healthier but please take the pressure on yourself - your weight does not dictate your worth and you sound like a really amazing person!

Thanks Half As long as I can log the food in, and add a recipe, that's all I need.

@Roussette

Can I ask all users of MyFP.... do you have the premium version? Did you pay for it? I am 2 weeks in on it, so using the premium version as it's free for a month, but wondered if I needed to pay or not? I don't want to lose the bits I do use

I never have. I don’t bother with macros etc. I feel it’d overcomplicate things.

Please come and join in on Lose It! April thread. You'll get all the support and help you need.

Your post resonates so much with me- I could have written it myself.
I have had CBT/counselling, albeit for anxiety and although it helped my anxiety it didn't help my sugar addiction which is what I genuinely believe I have. No advice I'm afraid- but just know you aren't alone.

A couple of years ago I lost over 4 stone after a lifetime of failed attempts. I know it sounds strange, but I am great with budgeting and money so decided to treat my calorie allowance like my bank balance. I worked out online using a bmr calculator how many calories I was using every day. I tried to 'spend' up to this amount each day but not over it. If I had calories left over I put them in a 'savings account' . A splurge day or even one off special spend like a cream cake came out of my 'savings' if it took me over my daily allowance. Just like balancing a family budget. There were no forbidden foods but I did read about nutrition and what your body needs to be healthy, like plenty of fruit and veg. I never eat anything I don't enjoy. That's a waste of calories. Worked for me. Lost the weight slow but steady. Didn't gain it back.

www.amazon.co.uk/Intuitive-Eating-4th-Anti-Diet-Revolutionary/dp/1250255198?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I am listening to this as an audiobook at the moment and everything in there resonates with me so much. I would highly, highly recommend it.

Just the same as a few of the posters on here.

I reckon I should be losing at least 5.

I look at myself and despair. I walk everywhere and have a physical job (of sorts) but eat every feeling I have.
I eat in secret because I’m ashamed to be seen eating.

It used to be manageable-ish.

Menopause has cocked a right old snook at it all. When I lump home a heavy shop I really feel it. I’m probably lumping 5 times that around as it is.

Hi op no you are not alone. So many of us are so capable and successful yet defeated by a bloody pastry. I have read the brain over binge book and found it excellent and I feel so much better about myself.

Try Ozempic it really works.

I'm also 5ish stone overweight. I'm 50, peri or full on menopausal so on HRT, high BP, chronic headaches and migraines plus a stressful full time job, kids, husband, elderly parents and grandchildren!!

I'm an emotional eater - but also a bored and hormonal eater too.

Due to my migraines I can't make sudden changes, otherwise I normally pay for it! So I've been upping my water, I cut out caffeine a while ago (apart from a migraine related coke every now and again) and am now working on cutting out refined sugars. Takeways had crept up to once or sometimes twice a week over lockdown, so we're now on once a month.

Tomorrow I start with a pt! I'm really excited. Its a lovely lady who only pt's women from her home gym. So she has lots of experience with hormones etc. I just don't feel able to go to a gym at the moment.

I had given up, but I feel so bloody awful all of the time that I have to do something. My youngest dc is 9, so I want to be able to do things with him.

You get what you measure. There is no getting around tracking what you eat and your activity levels if you want to lose weight. I use an Apple watch and the Loseit app but there are plenty of similar tools, like Fitbit and Myfitness pal.

What keeps me going is being able to record progress as I become more active and lose a bit of weight. Doing the actually tracking is a game changer for me. It holds me accountable.

Good luck OP.

Another one joining the club! I was slim 10 years ago but since then I have just gained and gained and can never seem to get on top of it. Tried all the diets going but tended to give up after 3 or 4 weeks and immediately put back on everything I lost and then some.

However, I am hoping that all that is about to change as I have just lost 1st on Second Nature and am finding that that really resonates with me. It takes quite a holistic approach to weight loss - covering not just food and exercise but also sleep, stress, hydration and mindset. The mindset parts I've found really interesting because it talks about why we tend to fall off the wagon and what we can do to get back on again. It is lowish carbs (and no white carbs) but fairly easy to follow. I thought I would hate the group chat but I actually found it really encouraging and helped keep me accountable. If you fancy throwing some money at the problem (my usual solution to all problems!) I would recommend it.

Currently reading “Food isn’t medicine” by Dr Joshua Woolrich which I’m finding really beneficial in regards to my relationship with food and how I see myself, I’d recommend it OP

Counselling & therapy isn't a crisis tool, it's a way of taking care of yourself.
Don't think you don't deserve the chance to talk about yourself & your experiences.

@sylv165

Another one joining the club! I was slim 10 years ago but since then I have just gained and gained and can never seem to get on top of it. Tried all the diets going but tended to give up after 3 or 4 weeks and immediately put back on everything I lost and then some.

However, I am hoping that all that is about to change as I have just lost 1st on Second Nature and am finding that that really resonates with me. It takes quite a holistic approach to weight loss - covering not just food and exercise but also sleep, stress, hydration and mindset. The mindset parts I've found really interesting because it talks about why we tend to fall off the wagon and what we can do to get back on again. It is lowish carbs (and no white carbs) but fairly easy to follow. I thought I would hate the group chat but I actually found it really encouraging and helped keep me accountable. If you fancy throwing some money at the problem (my usual solution to all problems!) I would recommend it.

Could you tell me a bit more about how it works please? Sounds interesting!

Not sure if anyone has suggested it yet but there is a Low Carb Bootcamp thread at the moment and it's a great place to lose weight. We're only in week 2 so would be easy to join in.
I started on the last Bootcamp in January and have lost 29lbs since then. We share recipes and ideas and I don't feel I have missed out at all on food. There is no calorie counting and no portion control but there is lots of delicious food.
Pop over and have a read, it's the easiest way to lose weight I have found and they are a lovely bunch of people too

Don't blame yourself. I'm not one for diet books and the latest expert says this, that or the other but have just read Why We Eat (too much) and it's really changed how I feel about food and my body. There is a thread on here under weight loss chat which is what prompted me to read it.

I started last week, am losing weight and really enjoying what I eat.

Oh my goodness, I've come back from an arduous conference call to find all these messages - I can't tell you what a difference this makes. I have found my people - thank you all for your honesty and for sharing your situation.

For those who have made changes and have shared what worked for you, thank you - you're the proof that these things can indeed work. For those of you feeling paralysed and unable to make changes, oh I hear you - you're in good company. I can hear the despair in your words, and trust me, it echoes what I feel day in, day out. But, I don't know about you, but I feel a thousand times better for knowing I'm not the only one and to hear so many stories of those who felt like this and made changes is really motivating.

There were so many replies that resonated deeply, but to answer a few:

Advic3Pl3as3 - I really like the way you've broken things down into small achievable goals - like upping your steps.

Xmassprout you're absolutely right - there's so much of this deeply rooted in how ashamed of myself I feel. I feel like I've let myself down, and therefore let down my family and the feeling is quite overwhelming. And the catastrophising - yes! I do really well for a few days and then feel overwhelmed by how far I still have to go and it all goes wrong. It absolutely does start in the mind.

aliensprig yes, yes, yes to a support thread - I'll mention it at the bottom.

Rousette I bloody loved your post - thank you for sharing and it's posts like these that are motivating me to just bloody do it!

SwankyMarleyPond yes, yes yes. The self-loathing is huge. And a real hinderance. We need to bin it... but how, I wonder.

Rightontheedge again, I totally hear you re the self harm. I'm the same. I carry on even if I don't want it or don't even like it. I also think it's connected to procrastination of which I'm a medal winner. I currently have something on my To Do list that I've moved 19 times so far. It'll be on the list tomorrow too.

VanillaCoke yes, I definitely feel overwhelmed by how much I have to lose. I can't actually picture doing it - it's too big a change. Breaking it down is definitely key though, thank you.

HalfShrunk I will look in detail properly in a while but sweet God I am swooning at your spreadsheet of joy. You are awesome!

OpusAnglicanum I just love you for calling me mate. Made me feel all warm inside.

Wotsitsarecheesy I'm 46 and yes, perimenopause is at play I'm certain. Thank you for making that link - my energy levels have nosedived in recent months. This makes complete sense.

GoldBar I'm loving your small changes approach - you're doing brilliantly.

DIKateFleming you could have described me to a tee. Can we be new best friends? I hear you, I hear every single word and I could be writing them. Best of intentions but absolutely no action. Let's join forces and actually do this rather than planning it...

Joystir ... you've nailed it. I've never been a skinny minnie except when I was 16 and gorgeous and didn't realise it (bah... ) I'm not planning on getting down to a size 10 to be honest, I have no idea what that would look like or feel like. I just want to be healthy. Right now I'm in size 16/18 upwards and I'd love to feel healthy in a size 14.

I'm so sorry whoever suggested Cambridge, but yes, that's my plan. It's severe (hence my all or nothing comment earlier) but my God it works but it's not for the faint hearted. However, the upside is that it does get results quickly and I'd like to do 8 weeks, or thereabouts, on it and see where I go from there. I also hate exercise but enjoy walking my dog and we have a Peloton which is awesome, even for someone who doesn't like exercise.

My head is spinning from so much support and understanding, you are all glorious. If you'd like me to, I can pop a thread on the WeightLoss section and we can hold ourselves and each other accountable?

Sorry to read you're feeling like this. Just to say I felt like this (I'd put on 3st in weight in the last year and was only gaining and picking up new bad habits).

I started Noom and I haven't looked back. The programme isn't cheap but it addresses your behaviour and mindset. I no longer snack at night and choose healthy choices (almost!) every time.

I don’t know too much about losing weight but I know that one of the best ways to promote good habits (eg, here it’s eating healthily) and stop ad ones (eating junk) is too keep the good stuff in plain sight and the bad stuff as far away as possible. Stopping yourself eating junk is near impossible if you have cupboards and fridges full of junk. Having to walk/drive to buy junk is much better. And if you do cave in and especially go out to buy junk, make sure you only buy what you can consume at that actual moment. Anything not consumed there and then goes in the bin.

I found this was a great strategy for quitting smoking and also for losing a bit of weight. It basically turns inherent laziness (eg, not being arsed to go to the shops) into an advantage rather than a weakness.

OP I'm in!

Anything that can help is very welcome to me!

I genuinely don't understand how - feeling as you do - you don't just not eat that extra food. I'm not being a dick, I just genuinely can't imagine doing something day in day out that made me feel so dreadful about myself.

I'm another one who is in the same boat. Between a highly stressful job (that involves sitting down all day!), a diabetic dog that has just had an op and needs a lot of nursing, teenager friendship issues,a husband who is currently having work stress and is working in London and just bloody life stress...I'm exhausted. Exhausted, drinking too much, eating crap because I'm too tired to cook with the lovely veg I buy religiously each week and so we get pizza or other takeaways and I hit the wine, again.

I used to work in public health. I know what to do to lose weight, but I also know that I'm not in the right frame of mind to deal with it all right now. Diet, exercise - just yet more things to add to the list of things to think about that I'm tired of thinking about. Then I look in the mirror and I see my disgusting body and I hate myself a little bit more.

I wish I had the answers. I used to think I had the answers, but right now I feel like a failure.