Defeated by my fatness - am I alone?

[BreathingDeep]

Today marks yet another day where I wake up, full of good intentions that today will be the day I change things and take steps to make my life better, and yet by lunchtime, it's all turned to rat shit and I'm back to feeling defeated by my eternal chub.

I currently weigh around 5 stones more than I should. I know this is horrendous. I am unhealthy, unfit and unhappy. I avoid mirrors at home and reflections while I'm out. I turn down invitations. I have a wardrobe bursting with clothes that don't fit and I loathe myself for staying this way.

My weight weighs me down ALL the time - from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep. Yet, despite this as a driver, I seem unable to tackle it once and for all which makes me feel even more ashamed.

Away from my weight, life is good. I'm capable, energetic, positive and decisive. I'm incredibly ambitious. I have a wonderful family and great friends but I'm aware I use 'being busy' as an excuse not to do a lot of things, losing weight being one of them.

I've gone deep and challenged myself on how I feel right now, how I want to feel, what my goal is, visualised how it would feel to be at that goal, examined what steps I need to take to make it happen, and still... it's always something I put off until tomorrow.

How can I be so capable in life and yet feel so lost when it comes to the food and drink I put in my mouth? This isn't a call for sympathy or derision, I just wondered if I'm alone in this?

Small steps, you're not going to run a marathon on your first day running. Even if you start with evening walks just round the block, that's more than you do now kind of thing.

Don't get bogged down in scales, look at inches. I weigh the heaviest I've ever weighed and am in by far the best shape of my life.

Long term sustainable changes rather than starving yourself on fad diets and good food choices. Fasting is excellent, I've used it several times to kick into ketosis - I don't mean this offensively someone that is overweight is going to hate it and not actually learn good eating habits.

Try get a gym membership, I think you'll be surprised at the general people (most gyms I've been to there's almost as many over weight people as no) that actually go to most gyms and how they are not scary places at all. And those that are more muscular genuinely won't be looking and laughing more often than not they are always happy to help with pointers.

Try start a couch to 5k, set a goal of going to your local park run and finishing it in X time by X and then beat that by X amount by X.

Small achievable targets, you've got the rest of your life why rush.

Mate, me too. for you, because I know just how depressing it is.

It’s the bad habits that we need to change. So many days I’ve crumbled just because I unthinkingly ate the snack, or whatever.

Have a meeting now but coming back later to see what good advice people might have!

Are you 'well' generally? When I was feeling ill/down (peri-menopause) my weight was high, but I just couldn't face doing anything about it. Now on HRT and I have more energy and feel able to tackle it. To others, I too seemed positive, happy, able to sort out other people's issues. People commented on how I was always smiling and enthusiastic, but it was mostly a front and I just didn't have any energy left to deal with my own (large!) problem.

The wake up call for me was being told i was pre-diabetic. I knew I was 4+ stone oveweight but had just been ignoring it. The GP offered to put me on Weightwatchers, so I've been doing that for 2 months now (I have 9 free months). Before, I was eating whatever I fancied. I've changed the food I am buying to have in the house, and have made swaps to heathier versions of 'treat' foods. I have lost 1.5 stone in the last 2 months, and am 2 stone lighter than my heaviest this time last year. I still eat 'treats' and still and eat whenever I'm hungry. So it's going well, but I just don't think I could do it if was I was still feeling so down. For me, it was the HRT that fixed that.

I think also that I just didn't realise until I started using the app, just how bad some of the things were that I was eating. Cheese spread on toast was a big breakfast weakness of mine! The shock of seeing the WW point score often prompts me to choose something different instead. I'm very interested to read the PP about My Fitness Pal app as I find that tracking (almost) everything I eat really helps me to think about whether I really want it, or whether to have something different instead. I will probably want something to replace the WW one after my free period ends.

I also agree with a PP about setting small goals. I've only just felt able to set a target weight, as 4.5 stone just seemed impossible. So I set goals of 4lb, or 7lb or whatever seemed more achieveable. And now I am 2 stone lighter, and feel so much better for it. But just doing it in little steps is working for me.

I hope you are able to find something that works for you, OP, like logging/tracking food on WW is working for me. It's given me a structure and a timescale to work to, and with lots of small steps I'm hoping I can get there.

I have started applying the "one small step at a time" approach to the many aspects of my life which I'm unhappy with. I have a preschooler doing school nursery hours and trying to work from home at the moment so life is insanely busy.

Here's what I'm currently working on:

I don't like my arms - they're flabby. I have some weights under my bed which I role out in the morning and do a 5 minute Youtube routine when I hear my DC starting to wake up. I'm overweight generally but this feels like a good place to start.

Our garden is a mess - I take DC out there every day after preschool and do 10 minutes of tidying up while they play (mow law, weeding, removing broken plastic junk and dead plants). I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel now and it's looking much better. Score!

Our house is a mess - I'm focusing on one small area at a time. The present one is a box full of old papers which need to be sorted through, binned and shredded. I do a few papers every time I'm in the kitchen - while I'm waiting for the kettle to boil, while dinner is in the oven or when I'm just passing.

Our attic is full of junk - I'm trying to remove/sort one box or other item every evening straight after I've put DC to bed. One item only, every day. Again, I'm getting there with this.

Can you think of some minor changes you can make to up your activity levels and reduce your calorie intake? So do 10 minutes of weights in the morning and some squats and lunges before bed? Spend the time you're waiting for the kettle to boil to pace around your kitchen and get some more steps in. Challenge yourself to up your steps by 500 everyday. Get a headset and make sure you're standing up and moving around when you're on calls to people.

Realistically, I don't have time to go to the gym or start a proper exercise regime. I'm either at home looking after DC or I'm working. I will get there, but it's going to be small steps - one small change and good habit established, then start on the next one.

Oh I am so so glad two other posters have said about MyFitnessPal. Because it's what I started under two weeks ago and so far so good. I am an obsessive type (I got into breadmaking during lockdown, and tried every type of bread imaginable, not good at all. Why couldn't it have been crochet or cross stitch?!)

So my new obsession is MyFitnessPal. I log everything on it and it's just giving me focus.

Love the spreadsheets HalfShrunk !

Personally am abit all or nothing and impatient so fasting worked for me. I only had 2 stone to lose but lost it in 4 months and so far 18 months later stayed off. Had to change my lifestyle permanently though. Size 14 to size 10. Quite noticeable. Am 46

Everyone’s different but what worked for me
Fasting. No food from after dinner to lunch the next day. Have tea and coffee
Meals on smaller plates
Minimise snacks
Log what I eat on my fitness pal so broadly know
Turbo bike 1 hour a day most days.

OP- i have just been for a run and a swim and then had a healthy lunch and then had a packet of crisps and a cookie (massive one) which took seconds to eat but will probably undo any weightloss for the day.
I feel like you- can't understand how an other wise successful person can shed the weight . The frustrating thing is I eat well and exercise moderately but then will binge on a few things each day that ruin in. It's literally 5 minutes of each day that ruin it all.
I think I need counselling - to stop the compulsion.
I will watch in interest - if you find a solution in copying

I’m in the 5 stone club too @BreathingDeep I’ve found my people. I’m professionally successful, have good friends, nice life generally, but I’m so f*ing fat, and getting fatter. Lockdown hasn’t helped, I just sit at my desk, which is 10ft from my bed and work. I try and walk, but don’t. I had good intentions about walking DD to the school bus stop every morning and then going for a walk for 30 mins, but I don’t. I merrily wave her off while holding my cuppa, with a different excuse every morning. I eat badly out of boredom, emotion, hunger etc. My size is now impacting my sleep and my ability to walk more than about 5k. I feel like I’ve tried everything, WW, SW, MFP. I hate tracking, I get fed up with it after about 2 days. I’ve been trying 16:8 with some success, but having a bad day today, alongside around 6 hours of Zoom calls, so tucked into the crunchy nut cornflakes at 9am before the calls kicked off

I’m really nervous about going back to the office as I’ll look so awful. I know I’ll feel better for having done it, but starting is hard. I’ve done couch to 5k in past, I could run 5k, but I feel too big and uncomfortable doing it. If there’s a mimi support group for professional, ambitious fatties, count me in.

Have you ever been slim OP? I have been all sizes from 12 to 20. When I was at my biggest I could at least remember being slim,being my best self, and that helped me enormously in being determined to once and for all quit over eating. And I did it. I've been my best self for two years now. If you've always been chubby I think it must be much more difficult and would echo what others have said about seeking counselling to help you get to why you self sabotage. As to how I lost weight:
It wasn't a diet it was reverting to correct portion sizes and healthy food
Saturdays were free eat all/whatever I want days
My partner did it with me
I got some weighing scales and weighed myself regularly and I've kept the weight off by weighing myself regularly.
I got a very active dog!

I know how you feel.
If I lost 2 stone, which seems impossible, I would still be fat so why even bother?
The rest of my life Is all sorted but I am defeated by my fatness

Like you I’m also 5 stone over weight. I have difficulty in losing weight and since February I’ve been trying really hard to start to lose weight.
I started at 15st 8lb on the first of February yesterday when I weighed myself I was 14st 10, so i have reached my goal of being under 15st my next is to get under 14st 7lb. I’m doing it by eating fasting two days a week and sticking to 1200 cal the other day. And sticking to 3 meals a day. Trying to walk at least 7000 steps and keeping busy of an evening so I don’t pick

@Buffaloskull - what fasting hours did you do? Well done on the 3 stone.

@Roussette

Oh I am so so glad two other posters have said about MyFitnessPal. Because it's what I started under two weeks ago and so far so good. I am an obsessive type (I got into breadmaking during lockdown, and tried every type of bread imaginable, not good at all. Why couldn't it have been crochet or cross stitch?!)

So my new obsession is MyFitnessPal. I log everything on it and it's just giving me focus.

Love the spreadsheets HalfShrunk !

It's great isn't it? I love that it's simple and shows you don't have to spend a penny to lose weight!

Another motivator for me OP is joining relevant forums, I really enjoy reading fatlogic on reddit, and Lose Weight Eat Pizza on facebook. It's a real relief when you learn that there's no major secret to weight loss, if you eat a caloric deficit you'll lose weight.

How about nothing goes into your mouth from now on until it's been logged in MyFitnessPal. Even if you decide not to start a deficit yet. Just log stuff, find out how much you're overeating by each day. It'll put a fire under you.

Your health and family will thank you for persevering and not giving up

I completely understand what you’re going through. My life is a constant cycle of crash diets and binge eating.
It’s like anything if you give it up you crave it more.

I am trying to focus on eating 3 meals a day, not cutting out any food groups including treats and just sticking within a certain calorie limit.
Because I am not starving myself I am finding I have more energy to exercise and I don’t end up eating loads of junk or big portions because I’m not over-hungry.

I use MyFitnessPal too. My BMI was over 30 on 1/1/21 and is now under 24. I feel fabulous and have changed my eating habits completely. I also walk whenever I can - this has many benefits; being active, distraction and distance from the fridge being the main ones. I plan my day's food in the morning and try not to deviate from the plan. If I have a slip-up (very, very rare now) I just log it, forget it and carry on with my plan. It really is pretty easy now (most days) although I had massive willpower battles at first.

The idea of losing the weight seemed such a tall order and made me feel depressed before I started but I'm so glad I did! Take each day at a time with the knowledge that they all contribute to the end result.

I weigh myself every morning and sometimes the scales seem to be stuck for days. Sometimes they even go up! But the trend is down and that's what matters. I attach a screenshot of my MFP progress chart.

Perhaps start a thread in the weight loss section? Or ask admin to move this one. There's loads of support to be found there.

Good luck! Start today and you will feel better within a couple of months.

Hi op! I have been loosing weight this last month and thought I'd share what is working for me. I dowloaded a free app (MyNetDiary) that counts your calories, exercise and tracks your progress. It's really helped me as I've learned how much I can and should eat. And Ive started exercising at home too if I've gone over my calorie limit for example but want to have some wine 😜
I've given myself a very reasonable target and long time frame, and so far I've lost half a stone in 3 weeks. Another half to go. I managed to get through Easter and enjoy all Easter chocolates and treats, by recording every bite I had and managed not to go over the allowed limit. Anyways. Worth a try. You don't have to beat yourself up or ban certain foods or treats and I think it makes a sensible approach to health and wellbeing. Good luck 🌹🌹

Try reading "Can't Hurt Me" David Goggins. Unfortunately the answer is that you just have to get on and do it. It's so hard to start but losing weight and the compliments start coming in is so rewarding. I have struggled massively over the years. I can maintain now but it's always hard work I'm afraid.

How about nothing goes into your mouth from now on until it's been logged in MyFitnessPal. Even if you decide not to start a deficit yet. Just log stuff, find out how much you're overeating by each day. It'll put a fire under you.

Fantastic advice!

By logging your eating you already have more control and tend to eat less. As the PP said I wouldn’t worry about being in a calorie deficit just see how many you are having on an average day. Then after a week weigh yourself and reduce it by a small amount and weigh yourself again a week later. When you are loosing weight without feeling like you’re going without then that can be your number of calories you stick to.

That is brilliant! What a weight loss.

I only weigh once a week, it's what I did when I had my huge weightloss before, and I'm afraid seeing the needle stuck will depress me.

As others have said break it down into smaller chunks, I've lost 40kg which I think is just over 6. But when I began it was like ok I will try and lose 3kg and it took my years to get into the head space to start and lose as a lifestyle vs thr cycle of binge eating and crash diets.
Take it slow, make some achievable goals of small exercises to do and reduce portion sizes slowly.

For those that fast do you calorie count too or is there no need?

I really feel for you. It’s a one day at a time thing and so many things impact weight that it is really hard. I was 5 stone over weight at the beginning of pandemic - I’ve lost circa 3atone so 2 more to go. The best advice I can give is find something that you can keep up and fits in with your life and use sleep (naps) to help (good sleep is really important for me. And when you plateau- keep going because it does pick up again.

Are you on Facebook OP? If so have you seen the ads for Figure 8 (a dance exercise programme)? The ads are really inspiring and I’ve just started after a friend did really well on it. Although I do need to lose some weight (about 1 stone but 2 would be better), I’m mainly doing it due to fatigue and chronic pain really limiting what I can do physically. I’m starting really slowly so I don’t knacker myself and my hope is that once I start I will feel more positive and able to make other changes. I think for me getting more active and feeling fitter will help me make healthier choices generally.

I know it’s tough - I’ve got something hormonal going on where I hold on to fat for dear life (think it’s low oestrogen but for a while I was convinced it was my thyroid). I’m definitely bigger than I should be for the amount I eat which is really depressing. I read something interesting recently about metabolic confusion (eg alternating high and low carb days) which makes a lot of sense so I am going to try that. I can’t do diets due to a past eating disorder - I end up just not eating very quickly so I have to be super careful. I think knowing I need to keep changing things up daily will help.

And when you plateau- keep going because it does pick up again

Can someone make a fridge magnet with that on?!

No OP you are not alone. You need to find your motivation, commit to starting the weight loss and then plan it all out.

I did it using myfitnesspal to help me. I looked at the chat threads (I found the before and after photos particularly motivating) and then I entered in my details (weight, height, level of activity etc) and it helped me calculate how many calories per day I could eat to start to lose weight - and projected how long it would take me to reach a goal weight. I tracked my progress on the app and it was brilliant to see the graph taking a downwards trend. Once I reached a goal weight I had developed good habits and was able to continue with my life with no more counting calories. 7 years and 2 children later I’m still a size 10 and don’t need to diet or anything.