Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you can't judge someone by one mistake

241 replies

ButtonMoony · 19/04/2021 08:45

YABU - people never change
YANBU - without all the details you shouldn't judge.

Prompted by another thread about a bloke who did prison time for punching someone. Lots of comments deciding he is a violent man and likely to be again in the future without knowing ANY fact.

Also prompted by my own experience.

Never any trouble with the police for 40 plus years. Successful business woman, PTA blah blah.

Husband left, business crashed, I had a full on mental breakdown. Crisis teams, inpatient treatment, sectioned, the works.

During a period of my life that I honestly can't remember and whilst in the depths of a depression I wouldn't wish on anyone I was convicted for drink driving.

So. Should I be judged by people for the rest of my life and deemed a threat to people as I might do it again (I won't. Sober. Re married. Back in employment) or should people consider overall circumstances before making a snap decision about someone based on one mistake.

OP posts:
KindnessCrusader · 19/04/2021 12:07

It's hard. I'd like to think I wouldn't judge and I know for sure I'd never say anything out loud but...I don't know.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/04/2021 12:07

OP... is this not a general thread? Are you asking about a specific thing that other posters are aware of?

LolaButt · 19/04/2021 12:09

Not nasty. Factual.

You have a conviction for drunk driving. You clearly have a proven history of drinking to excess to the point where hours after you were caught drink driving.

Then you continue to minimise and try and gain sympathy despite the fact that people on this thread have stated that family members were killed by people indulging in the same reckless behaviour as you.

Furthermore, you then essentially stick your middle finger up and say about you’re spending the day in the pub.

This is nothing compared to what I would say to you in person. My young children are growing up without a father because of a reckless driver.

BrumBoo · 19/04/2021 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BrumBoo · 19/04/2021 12:12

@LolaButt

Not nasty. Factual.

You have a conviction for drunk driving. You clearly have a proven history of drinking to excess to the point where hours after you were caught drink driving.

Then you continue to minimise and try and gain sympathy despite the fact that people on this thread have stated that family members were killed by people indulging in the same reckless behaviour as you.

Furthermore, you then essentially stick your middle finger up and say about you’re spending the day in the pub.

This is nothing compared to what I would say to you in person. My young children are growing up without a father because of a reckless driver.

Your children not having a father is not the ops fault. It's not the same situation. Take your personal hang-ups elsewhere.
MapleMay11 · 19/04/2021 12:13

@MapleMay11 what about if a close family member like your dc etc made a mistake and was convicted would you have nothing to do with them?
Its easy to say about a stranger not so easy if someone you know
And you can't possibly say that no one you know would do this as thats what most peoples friends / family say when someone is convicted if many crimes

Why do you assume I'm talking about a stranger? The answer would be the same.

LolaButt · 19/04/2021 12:13

Who said it was?

My point is that drink driving has consequences. Call me a dick as much as you want. In the real world people absolutely despise drunk drivers and their enablers.

worriedatthemoment · 19/04/2021 12:17

@LolaButt no its also nasty as you know
Its awful about your children's father of course but the comment was nasty
Obviously for you this is triggering but doesn't make you comment not nasty and factual at all

worriedatthemoment · 19/04/2021 12:19

You just assumed the op was drinking without having facts for all you know she has never drank again
Going to the pub is not a crime

worriedatthemoment · 19/04/2021 12:20

@MapleMay11 fair enough if you can say that , Im not sure I could write of my children if they made a mistake personally speaking .

Maggiesfarm · 19/04/2021 12:22

[quote worriedatthemoment]@LolaButt no its also nasty as you know
Its awful about your children's father of course but the comment was nasty
Obviously for you this is triggering but doesn't make you comment not nasty and factual at all
[/quote]
I agree it was unpleasant and uncalled for.

There's nothing wrong in drinking in moderation, I'm pretty sure the op would not drink and drive again!

Rejoiningperson · 19/04/2021 12:22

No I don’t think either of your options are right.

There is something in between writing someone off for one mistake, and ignoring it completely as if it never happened.

You did drink drive and that is serious. Should you be ostracised for life? No I don’t think so. Should you be able to erase it as if it never happened? No I don’t think so either.

It was the same for the man in prison - I saw that thread and I think most people were advising caution rather than writing him off.

For a fairly big crime, like murder, then I think it is healthy and wise to have some wariness if we are going to enter into a relationship with that person.

Moon90 · 19/04/2021 12:29

See I don't see drink driving as a mistake, it's a decision and a very dangerous one at that.

MapleMay11 · 19/04/2021 12:34

worriedatthemoment You're a better person than I am. I've been in the position where I've had to make this decision. Three people tragically lost their lives because of one person's choice to drive that day and the consequences were horrendous. Having been through this, I know that I just can't forgive, regardless of who it is or what the circumstances are, but I know there are many who could.

BrumBoo · 19/04/2021 12:37

@Moon90

See I don't see drink driving as a mistake, it's a decision and a very dangerous one at that.
Many people have driven after drinking the night before having miscalculated how much alcohol would be out of their system. Is that really the same as actively choosing to drive knowing you've had too many?

Personally I find it a fine line, and have never drank more than a glass of wine when I know I'm driving next day. Others think that zero drinking at least 12 hours before getting behind a wheel is the minimum, and some will quite happily have a pint in the pub and drive home. Some think they know where the line is an misjudge it, but is it a 'tar for life mistake'? I'm not sure I agree.

DrSbaitso · 19/04/2021 12:44

Many people have driven after drinking the night before having miscalculated how much alcohol would be out of their system. Is that really the same as actively choosing to drive knowing you've had too many?

In the eyes of the law, I believe, yes. Drink driving doesn't require a mens rea, or else you could just get off conviction by claiming you were too pissed to know what you were doing. The information on alcohol consumption before driving is freely and easily available and of course the safest thing is to drink no alcohol at all. So if you decide you're safe to drink before driving, I definitely hold you responsible if you fuck up. It's your responsibility to ensure you're safe behind the wheel.

At any rate, the danger and potential outcome is the same either way, regardless of the drunk driver's active intention. Ignorance is not an excuse.

GrumpyTerrier · 19/04/2021 12:47

I wouldn't judge someone for having a breakdown and making a bad decision which ended up being much more serious than they imagined. I don't approve of the act but I do understand what it is like to be in an erratic mental state, or even just to make a bad error in judgement. I wouldnt write you off as person or anything as a one -off.

I would judge and write-off anyone who knowingly chose to drink drive after just having drank, without any mental health circumstances.

The one-punch thing--- to an extent that would depend on the background, how the fight occurred, did the guy often behave violently etc. If it was a one-off unusual situation where both parties were being drunken pillocks, and someone died then I feel it is a terrible tragedy for everyone.

So it really depends on the circumstances and the person.

JackieTheFart · 19/04/2021 12:51

I don’t think there’s any ‘should’ about it.

What might be a hard line in the sand for me, might be a concrete wall for someone else.

Bluntness100 · 19/04/2021 13:00

Blimey this is the thread that just keeps on giving. Op I’ve no clue why your started this when you don’t want to hear the responses and are pissed off by them,

Just decide you’re right that no one should be judged and live happily.

worriedatthemoment · 19/04/2021 13:01

@MapleMay11 it doesn't make me a better person I think we all have just different levels of what we may or may forgive and it would hugely be affected by the person circumstances as well maybe.
Also maybe how the person reacts , are they remorseful etc
Thats the thing there is no blanket rule , I just would not judge on day a conviction written on paper about someone without knowing full story.
Many crimes are unforgivable I totally get that

worriedatthemoment · 19/04/2021 13:04

@MapleMay11 I also think if you have been a victim of a certain crime then that also makes it harder to not judge
As a posters on here have lost someone close then I can see for them its a no brainer and can see why they feel this way.

worriedatthemoment · 19/04/2021 13:07

@LolaButt I can understand why you would be very angry and unable to not judge due to your circumstances

Bluntness100 · 19/04/2021 13:09

I just don’t understand the point in this. It started with “I made a terrible mistake when I was ill” quickly moved to “ well it was rhe next day and I didn’t know I was over and even thr copper said it was bad luck and I bet that changed your minds” and when everyone said well no it makes it worse, it moved to “well I’m off on a pub crawl now”

. Seriously. What’s the point in all that?

DrSbaitso · 19/04/2021 13:09

The victims or relatives of victims of crimes are the testament to how serious the crime is and the level of devastation they can cause. You can't dismiss their feelings without minimising the crime.

denverRegina · 19/04/2021 13:11

"That was the comment I was referring too ?
No mention of risk assessment or not judging?
If you wrote a comment previous to this I had not seen it"

Ok, well that's nice but I did comment previous and you referred to my first comment.

"You would have a lot more info in someone you where working with , yet you chose to risk assess the op"

You're grasping. I had plenty information just from her OP, she gave quite a bit of detail there. Enough for a basic assessment that she shouldn't be on the road.

Swipe left for the next trending thread