To think you can't judge someone by one mistake

[ButtonMoony]

YABU - people never change
YANBU - without all the details you shouldn't judge.

Prompted by another thread about a bloke who did prison time for punching someone. Lots of comments deciding he is a violent man and likely to be again in the future without knowing ANY fact.

Also prompted by my own experience.

Never any trouble with the police for 40 plus years. Successful business woman, PTA blah blah.

Husband left, business crashed, I had a full on mental breakdown. Crisis teams, inpatient treatment, sectioned, the works.

During a period of my life that I honestly can't remember and whilst in the depths of a depression I wouldn't wish on anyone I was convicted for drink driving.

So. Should I be judged by people for the rest of my life and deemed a threat to people as I might do it again (I won't. Sober. Re married. Back in employment) or should people consider overall circumstances before making a snap decision about someone based on one mistake.

Too tired to drive!

After all, someone has still died and the person still drove knowing that they were unfit to do so, whether or not they were able to decide rationally at the time. What's the difference?

Theres a big difference. It's not illegal to be tired. You can't measure how tired you are. You didn't actively choose to get that tired. You can be very tired and still be fine to drive.
None of those are true with drinking.

The fact that you try and explain away your reasons for drink driving is very telling.

My husband's little brother was killed by a drink driver aged 8. There is never a reasonable explanation as to why someone was drunk behind the wheel.

In retrospect, with people whose first mistake has involved dishonesty or violence, yes absolutely I would have been better off judging them harshly by that first mistake.

Ah, it's so complicated!
I've made mistakes, when I was younger (17) I cheated on my boyfriend, broke up with him and started a new relationship with the other bloke. I regret it so much, even to this day! But I did it.
Since I was a teenager, no one really brands me as a cheat, where as my friend who did the same thing in her early 20s has been judged harshly.

I totally believe that good people can do bad things, and vice versa. Mistakes happen, but I don't believe that a mistake should define you.

Depends what the "mistake" was.

I think the only thing I would say could never be a mistake or a one-off slip would be sexual assault. Particularly if a child was involved- decent people are repulsed by that so couldn’t possibly do it because they were in a bad place. Anything else would depend on the context, the circumstances and the timescales.

The fact that you try and explain away your reasons for drink driving is very telling

I agree. OP reads like "it wasn't my fault at all so I shouldn't be judged for it", rather than acknowledging the mistake and owning it. I'd look more kindly on the latter than the former.

I would judge yes. You chose to drink drive regardless of circumstance, you could have got a taxi, you know a car is a weapon at all times let alone when drinking.
You were lucky not to kill anyone. That was sheer luck, drink driving I have absolutely no respect for under any circumstance.
Your justifying it means you don't think you should be judged for it, there is no justification good enough for getting behind the wheel drunk.

Very much dpeends what the mistake was. If they intentionally harmed someone weaker or more vulnerable than themselves then no, I wouldn’t forgive that because it says bad character. If it was a genuine mistake and they had done their very best to make themselves a better person and learn from it then yeah, I could probably look past it.

I can't vote on this, because both points of view are valid.

The fact is, statistically speaking, someone who commits a particular crime is more likely to commit it again than someone who hasn't committed it doing it for the first time.

A man who punches someone, once, might do it again. Whatever circumstances and stresses led him to throw a punch, whatever provocation he was given, who is to say he won't be faced with a similar situation again? It's reasonably likely he will respond in the same way again.

A drink-driver like yourself, your car insurance will be higher when you get your licence back simply because a person who is so out of control as to either think drink-driving is OK, or that they are too skilled a driver to have a problem, or they just don't care, is more likely to drink-drive in future than someone who has never done it.

You say you are sober, remarried, in a job and "won't" do it again, but you can't be certain you will never do it again. What happens if you lose your job and your marriage breaks down? What's to stop you having another "full on mental breakdown" (your words) and start drinking again? Nothing. You might think you've had all the therapy and treatment you need to never make that mistake again, and I hope you have, but none of us can predict the struggles we will face in future.

FWIW I once employed someone who tried to hide their drink-driving conviction on his application. When I pushed him to disclose it he made all the excuses (stress, one-off mistake, only marginally above the limit). I gave him the chance and soon regretted it - the excuses he gave to try to excuse his conviction were a forerunner for all the excuses he gave for why his output was so poor.

FWIW (2) I'll never be allowed to own a shotgun. I have suffered (still do) with depression all my life and attempted suicide. I don't consider myself a risk to anyone else, currently I don't consider myself a risk to myself either. But if I want a shotgun licence, I will be judged on my past and will be rejected. Unlike you, I haven't even done anything wrong, but I am still treated differently because of events in my past.

It's just the way it goes.

When you drive drunk, you make a decision to do so. You were just lucky that you didn't injure or kill someone... or yourself.

There is no excuse for driving while drunk. It is stupid and selfish.

I've no interest in judging you or the alleged "one punch" offender. I am interested in judging and balancing risk.

On that basis, he should serve an appropriate sentence and should remain on licence indefinitely and you should never be allowed to drive again.

Should I be judged by people for the rest of my life and deemed a threat to people as I might do it again (I won't. Sober. Re married. Back in employment)

You can’t categorically state you won’t do it again; you probably didn’t think you’d do it in the first place.

I think people say they will never forgive etc
Then if their son or daughter was to do such a thing I bet they would have a different thought process
Each situation and person is different so I would judge the person on who they are now and if they were remorseful , mitigating circumstances etc etc
I don't see it as black and white as some do

I don't think that's up to the maker of the mistake.

Forgiveness is, if you like, in the eye of the beholder. Some people might be able to look past it, others won't, and you have to respect their choice either way.

I tried to save the life of a man who ultimately died due to one punch. Turns out the person who did it was 17, with a daughter. He's spending a long time in prison, and now there are two sets of kids growing up without their dad. It's horrific all round really. The offender was just a kid, and I can't guess at the circumstances he grew up in, to be displaying that behaviour while still a child.

I think your case op was very much an out of character blip, part of a crisis or rather series of crises.

I do think someone being violent is to be noted.

I am not defending anything I did it and I was punished. People don't know the circumstances and are already declaring that I could have killed someone and knew what I was doing.

It was 11:30 in the morning after some drinks the night before. Someone else ran up the back of me, and I blew slightly over. Slightly enough that an hour later it wouldn't have been an issue.

The fact that some here seem to have concluded that simply by being convicted i must have been being reckless and was hammered kind of backs up what I was saying. With hindsight the mental health people should have the right to take peoples licenses as I can tell you that mentally I shouldn't have been driving for about 6 months but that was deemed fine..

Like I said. No justification for what I did and my penalty has been served. Does kind of show that a bit of context and background is relevant before judging others based on a snippet of info though.

I wonder how many of those posting can hand on heart say they have never driven in the 24 hours after a session?

I am also not voting, becayse i think everyone who does something awful has a story to tell, very few don’t. I also understand why someone who commited a crime would not wish to be judged, and I understand why someone who was a victim of that crime or related to the victim would judge.

I think deemed a threat is very different to being judged. And I think many people would not be deemed a threat because the situation was so specific.

I don’t think deemed a threat and being judged are one and the same thing.

You've just said you shouldn't have been driving for 6 months. I agree but think it should be for longer.

@denverRegina

I've no interest in judging you or the alleged "one punch" offender. I am interested in judging and balancing risk.

On that basis, he should serve an appropriate sentence and should remain on licence indefinitely and you should never be allowed to drive again.

Like lots of people i used to drive the day after a night out.

Now, as a result of this I never would for a full 24 hours.

If this hadn't happened I probably still would. I never for one second imagined I could still be over the limit at nearly lunchtime.

I wonder how many of those posting can hand on heart say they have never driven in the 24 hours after a session?

No I’ve never done this if I think I’m over the limit. Or if I know I need to drive I don’t drink to the level I could still be over. And I only know one person who has. The next day element is very well publicised.

Also lots on here will day this and that , how many have been done for speeding or have sped and not got caught ?
Also dangerous and can have serious consequences , so sometimes people can be very hypocritical .
If you have had a close person killed by someone speeding you may find that as bad an offence as someone drink driving.
We all have prob different ideas of what we would see as forgive able or not and also depending on who committed the crime
As a family member compared to an unknown would create different feelings .

I have to say we are pretty hot on not driving after drinking the night before. You might be surprised op but some people are extremely conscientious about it! Especially as it would mean two earners in this house wouldn't be able to work. So no, please don't try to justify it by pointing at others' laxness. It's unhealthy for you.

Pressed send too soon.

I think it should be longer based on the threat you may pose to others. Just the balance of risk.

As I said, I've no interest in making judgement of you but I would deem you a risk.