To think you can't judge someone by one mistake

[ButtonMoony]

YABU - people never change
YANBU - without all the details you shouldn't judge.

Prompted by another thread about a bloke who did prison time for punching someone. Lots of comments deciding he is a violent man and likely to be again in the future without knowing ANY fact.

Also prompted by my own experience.

Never any trouble with the police for 40 plus years. Successful business woman, PTA blah blah.

Husband left, business crashed, I had a full on mental breakdown. Crisis teams, inpatient treatment, sectioned, the works.

During a period of my life that I honestly can't remember and whilst in the depths of a depression I wouldn't wish on anyone I was convicted for drink driving.

So. Should I be judged by people for the rest of my life and deemed a threat to people as I might do it again (I won't. Sober. Re married. Back in employment) or should people consider overall circumstances before making a snap decision about someone based on one mistake.

[denverRegina]

"Wtf?

What is supposed to be the certain connection between those two things?"

The connection is a basic level of intelligence, common sense and awareness.

[MakingPlans21]

There are many more than 50 shades of grey between the black and white binary you suggest.

[FlyNow]

I think people can make one off mistakes. But the question for you OP is, who do you want to "forgive" you and why. You are married, employed, and (I'm assuming) aren't homeless, are well fed, etc. Your life isn't currently negatively impacted by your mistake. What does it matter if a bunch of people agree with you. If you have friends that cut you off when it happened, well thats life and it happens over lots of things. Maybe they are missing out but maybe it's a big issue for them and they couldn't continue the friendship.

[Hawkins001]

All depends on the context, and how they redeem themselves

[GnomeDePlume]

In terms of social judgement (as opposed to criminal) context is important. Does the person acknowledge and regret their own actions? Have they in some way tried to atone for their actions?

Atonement goes beyond 'doing the time'. A person who doesnt simply vow to never commit the crime but who perhaps helps other not to commit that crime or helps out victims of crime.

Several years ago there was a programme where a convicted housebreaker would demonstrate where participants in the programme could improve their home security. He never shied away from his own conviction even though it was long since spent. Each episode he had to come face to face with the 'victims' of his 'break in'. I cant imagine that was ever a comfortable experience even if the participants were willing as the sense of violation was very real.

[Ellipsies]

I have a dishonesty conviction, I was 18 and was working for a bloke who didn't pay me for six months (£14k) so I bounced a cheque for a grand at one of his businesses and received community service for it. Still embarrassed three decades later and a one-off.

Drink drive limit is 35, they don't prosecute below 39 so you were more than slightly over OP.

[Startingagainperson]

But we are realizing that, for example, people get into abusive relationships because they don’t judge the person or see warning signs.

Judgement, good judgement, does mean weighing up risk when making decisions that may effect our lives or having children too.

Judgement doesn’t mean - everyone is bad if they did one thing wrong - but it does mean having pertinent information and weighing that up wisely.

[MarshmallowAra]

@Ylvamoon

It was a mistake. I regret jt. I won't ever do it again

I disagree. You reacted to a high level of stress caused by other peoples actions. You can't control other people.
How can you say you will not drink & drive if faced with this level of stress again?

Perhaps because she's been though it, experienced it, learned from it, learned different coping mechanisms ....

Also more mature, we're all maturing constantly (well most of us).

[MarshmallowAra]

@denverRegina

"I never for one second imagined I could still be over the limit at nearly lunchtime."

So all the "successful business woman, PTA blah blah" stuff wasn't quite accurate then? That person wouldn't have missed all of the relentless campaigns about not drinking and driving the next day. Or they'd at least be able to "imagine it for a second".

Wtf?

What is supposed to be the certain connection between those two things?

[Ylvamoon]

It was a mistake. I regret jt. I won't ever do it again

I disagree. You reacted to a high level of stress caused by other peoples actions. You can't control other people.
How can you say you will not drink & drive if faced with this level of stress again?

[DrSbaitso]

[quote ButtonMoony]@DrSbaitso noone was hammered ffs.

It was a mistake. I regret jt. I won't ever do it again.

I was a million miles from hammered.[/quote]
I wasn't referring to anyone in particular. Just responding to the idea of how much luck is involved in not killing someone by driving drunk. You can cut the odds drastically if you don't drive drunk.

But I'm with PPs who are a bit uncomfortable by how much you minimise this.

[ButtonMoony]

@DrSbaitso noone was hammered ffs.

It was a mistake. I regret jt. I won't ever do it again.

I was a million miles from hammered.

[DrSbaitso]

@IdblowJonSnow

People are allowed to make whatever judgements they like. I don't judge you from what you've said but if you had killed or disabled someone then I'm afraid I would. Which is illogical I guess as it comes down to luck.

Well, you can improve your odds significantly by not getting behind the wheel while you're hammered.

[IdblowJonSnow]

People are allowed to make whatever judgements they like. I don't judge you from what you've said but if you had killed or disabled someone then I'm afraid I would. Which is illogical I guess as it comes down to luck.

[worriedatthemoment]

@denverRegina because I don't need your permission to you are the one still justifying your comment and your risk assessment which was to remove her keys totally.
You know nothing about me or what I do or do not know about risk assessment , your the one who works with people and would surely know the law is that people do get their licence back after a period of time in most cases .

[MrsJackSpratt]

Whoops. Wrong thread

[MrsJackSpratt]

I wasn't expecting such lovely support here. Thank you so much.

I have a lot more thinking and investigating to do

[denverRegina]

@worriedatthemoment whether she drinks or not currently is irrelevant. Not sure why you're still talking about this as you've clearly very little idea about risk assessment

[worriedatthemoment]

All those saying you have a right to judge , yes of course you do same as we have the right to think that those who judge are in correct.
There is no right or wrong answer as we all have different ideas and like I have said we may have a different thought if the person is a close family member who does get a conviction etc , and a totally different viewpoint if we are a victim.
I also think though as said before a vast majority on here will likely to have driven over the speed limit at least once , even if only a few miles
Most of the time we spot and slow down but if we were to have an accident then suddenly that couple miles could be a dangerous driving conviction or worse.
So for me personally before judging I would like to have the whole story in front of me and I also know I would find it easier to forgive a close family member than I would a stranger

[MintyMabel]

Many people have driven after drinking the night before having miscalculated how much alcohol would be out of their system. Is that really the same as actively choosing to drive knowing you've had too many?

This is why the “practically zero” limit for driving in Scotland is a really good thing. There is no guesswork or calculation, if you’ve been out the night before, you will almost certainly fail a breathalyser the next day.

But you can't tell other people that they can't make choices for their own lives by looking at and judging the past behaviour of others. We do it all the time

I can’t tell anyone what to do in any situation. Neither can you suggest that everyone does the same as you do. I don’t judge people on their past behaviours. I wouldn’t expect anyone to judge me on mine. If I were making a choice of a partner, I wouldn’t automatically assume someone who got in to a pub fight one time would make a bad partner.

My husband punched somebody once. He was very drunk and he thought someone was trying to take his wallet. In the 20 years I’ve known him, that is the only time he has come anywhere close to A) being that drunk and B) being violent. If he had told me that story had happened before I met him, I’d have been a fool to have dismissed him as a suitable partner.

[worriedatthemoment]

@denverRegina no you never at the stage of your comment op had realised very little, you still have no idea if she even now drinks at all

[IbrahimaRedTwo]

I don't think we should be judging each other

Naive and wrong. Humans judge, all the time. We have to, if we are to keep ourselves safe. We have to judge who might be a threat and who might not. And we judge who we want to surround ourselves with.

Do you not judge sex offenders? Are you so non-judgemental that once out of prison you'd ask them to babysit? No, of course not. You judge, we all judge.

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

or should people consider overall circumstances before making a snap decision about someone based on one mistake.

People are entitled to establish their own boundaries about whom they choose to associate with. This does not make them bad people. And if one of those boundaries is 'convicted drink drivers are a dealbreaker' or 'I refuse to have friends who are Arsenal supporters' than that's totally acceptable.

No one has to live according to your own parameters.

[Vallmo47]

I haven’t had a chance to read the entire thread so apologies if this is repetitive. Just wanted to say that I do think it depends entirely on case by case circumstances. I think it’s possible to make mistakes as a young kid and act responsibly as a result of that mistake. I equally think it’s possible to bury your head in the sand and get in a vicious circle where the mistakes are repeated. In terms of drink driving for instance, if my child was killed as a result of course I’d never be able to forgive that and nor should I ever be expected to. If the person (like you) didn’t harm anyone and went on to live their life sober, of course I would judge differently. It’s just not that black or white.

I suffered a serious mental health breakdown 5 years ago and I thank my lucky stars every day that I didn’t physically attack or harm anyone but myself. I was seriously, seriously unwell to the point of being sectioned. But had I harmed someone - no, I wouldn’t expect them to ever forgive me. I would never be able to forgive myself.

Sounds like you’ve made a complete 180 OP and good on you. It’s so lovely there are people out there who are able to do this. I wish everyone was like it and not just feeding us empty words and false promises.

[DrSbaitso]

Drinking too much at times is something many have done and stop doing.

It's not drinking too much that's the issue, it's drink driving.