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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you can't judge someone by one mistake

241 replies

ButtonMoony · 19/04/2021 08:45

YABU - people never change
YANBU - without all the details you shouldn't judge.

Prompted by another thread about a bloke who did prison time for punching someone. Lots of comments deciding he is a violent man and likely to be again in the future without knowing ANY fact.

Also prompted by my own experience.

Never any trouble with the police for 40 plus years. Successful business woman, PTA blah blah.

Husband left, business crashed, I had a full on mental breakdown. Crisis teams, inpatient treatment, sectioned, the works.

During a period of my life that I honestly can't remember and whilst in the depths of a depression I wouldn't wish on anyone I was convicted for drink driving.

So. Should I be judged by people for the rest of my life and deemed a threat to people as I might do it again (I won't. Sober. Re married. Back in employment) or should people consider overall circumstances before making a snap decision about someone based on one mistake.

OP posts:
worriedatthemoment · 19/04/2021 11:45

@Bluntness100 my dh was breathalysed for having a brake light out and a dash out to get baby milk
Obviously it was fine as he probably hadn't had a drink since the last time we went out which was a couple weeks before
So a police officer can breathalyse when they see fit

Original poster
ButtonMoony · 19/04/2021 11:45

@UhtredRagnarson

The idea that someone would stop their kids visiting someone if it came to light that he had been in a fight when drunk 20 years easier is bizarre and perfectly makes the point I was trying to make

This is just another example of back pedalling from you I’m afraid OP. Originally you said

Actually a close friend has a very short temper when he has been drinking and has quite a lengthy police history. I would never go to a pub with him as it would almost certainly result in someone getting punched.

Quite a lengthy police history has now become “in a fight 20 years earlier”.

It is perfectly possible to have a lengthy police history and also not have been in trouble for many years by the time you are nearly 50.
OP posts:
NVision · 19/04/2021 11:45

OP using your own argument I could say "During a period of my life that I honestly can't remember and whilst in the depths of a depression I wouldn't wish on anyone I was convicted for [insert crime here]". That could be murder, sexual assault, all sorts.... doesn't justify it. Doesn't justify your actions either, you did wrong.

I think what the crime is, is the most relevant part. Or its a slippery slope to handwringing over convicted pedos.

worriedatthemoment · 19/04/2021 11:46

@denverRegina

😂😂 if you'd seen half the criminals and the impact of their behaviour and denial that I have then you'd be taking her car keys away too. Middle class bubble? Yeah, I fucking wish.

That was the comment I was referring too ?
No mention of risk assessment or not judging?
If you wrote a comment previous to this I had not seen it

worriedatthemoment · 19/04/2021 11:48

@denverRegina but you don't have anything on the op to risk assess
You would have a lot more info in someone you where working with , yet you chose to risk assess the op

Original poster
ButtonMoony · 19/04/2021 11:48

@LolaButt

Still drinking then OP? Learned nothing from your actions quite clearly.
Yes. Sparkling water and coffee mainly.

People don't tend to function very well when severely dehydrated

OP posts:
worriedatthemoment · 19/04/2021 11:50

@LolaButt it is possible to go to the pub and not consume alcohol

UhtredRagnarson · 19/04/2021 11:50

It is perfectly possible to have a lengthy police history and also not have been in trouble for many years by the time you are nearly 50.

Of course it is. But it’s not possible to have a lengthy police history for a “fight when drunk”. Which you claimed in your second post. It’s very clear he was Involved in much more than just a fight when drunk.

worriedatthemoment · 19/04/2021 11:52

@UhtredRagnarson what on are you on about ? He could of had several fights when drunkn, drunk and disorderly , all sorts which would be a lengthy history of over say 5 years , then the last 20 has not drunk ask knows it's a trigger so therefore not been involved in such incidences again

Original poster
ButtonMoony · 19/04/2021 11:53

[quote worriedatthemoment]@LolaButt it is possible to go to the pub and not consume alcohol [/quote]
Yes it is. But when people are judgemental they always assume they know a situation without actually knowing anything about it.

For clarity. My friends will probably be getting hammered, I won't

OP posts:
Famousinlove · 19/04/2021 11:54

During a period of my life that I honestly can't remember and whilst in the depths of a depression I wouldn't wish on anyone I was convicted for drink driving.

Like lots of people i used to drive the day after a night out. If this hadn't happened I probably still would.

Eh?

UhtredRagnarson · 19/04/2021 11:56

[quote worriedatthemoment]@UhtredRagnarson what on are you on about ? He could of had several fights when drunkn, drunk and disorderly , all sorts which would be a lengthy history of over say 5 years , then the last 20 has not drunk ask knows it's a trigger so therefore not been involved in such incidences again [/quote]
What I am on about is that OP went from claiming he had a lengthy police history to saying it was a fight when drunk. Which clearly aren’t the same thing. Her posts are all there for you to read.

MintyMabel · 19/04/2021 11:56

You can’t categorically state you won’t do it again; you probably didn’t think you’d do it in the first place.

Equally, none of us can categorically state that if we had a breakdown and spiralled in to depression or alcoholism that we wouldn’t do the same thing either.

It happened to a relative of mine who continues to battle with alcoholism. They were previously very outspoken against drink driving, it was the worst offence in their opinion. It was discovered they had been driving under the influence. They never got caught but if you’d asked me 10 years ago if they would ever do it, I’d have been certain they wouldn’t.

I also have a friend who caused an accident when they were a foolish, laddish teenager and spent a year in prison because of it. He has gone on to have a very productive, successful life, it has taught them a lesson.

Nobody should live their life paying for something the law has deemed they have served their time for.

LolaButt · 19/04/2021 11:56

Awww sarcasm.

Enjoy your day out in your favourite place. Definitely stick to non alcoholic drinks - you know how you get when alcohol is concerned.

MintyMabel · 19/04/2021 11:59

She also said that there was so little in my system a good driver would still have better reactions than lots of elderly, medicated, poor sighted etc drivers who drive legally everyday.

Yeah, that’s bullshit.

UhtredRagnarson · 19/04/2021 11:59

OPs first comment about her friend

Actually a close friend has a very short temper when he has been drinking and has quite a lengthy police history.

OPs next comment about her friend

The idea that someone would stop their kids visiting someone if it came to light that he had been in a fight when drunk 20 years easier is bizarre and perfectly makes the point I was trying to make

“Been in a fight when drunk” is very different than what was originally described as “quite a lengthy police history”. My point being that OP is now minimising his actions, like she was her own earlier in the thread.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/04/2021 12:00

You're not being unreasonable, OP. We're humans, we make mistakes and bad decisions. Sometimes those hurt other people.

What are we supposed to do with these transgressors? Never forgive them? Leave them to rot? Fingerpoint and tut at them for the rest of their lives? No. We have a judicial system that handles this.

As Joe Public we can decide whom we want to 'be friends with'. That's the extent of our involvement, much to dismay of wannabe guillotiners.

Personally, I agree with PP that it very much depends on WHAT. There are some things that I would absolutely struggle to overcome repulsion for - paedophiles, theft and/or violence to vulnerable people.

I'd add rapists to that but there are so many out there, so many still married to/with the women they've raped that they're in a league on their own.

Original poster
ButtonMoony · 19/04/2021 12:01

@LolaButt

Awww sarcasm.

Enjoy your day out in your favourite place. Definitely stick to non alcoholic drinks - you know how you get when alcohol is concerned.

And there we have it.

Thanks.

Exactly the sort of rubbish I was talking about.

You know nothing on which to base that statement other than one mistake which I have served all the relevant penalties for and ashamed of.

Yet you conclude you know what I am like when I have a few drinks

OP posts:
MapleMay11 · 19/04/2021 12:03

Drink driving is an unforgivable offence for me. I would have nothing to do with a person convicted of this.

worriedatthemoment · 19/04/2021 12:03

@LolaButt what a nasty comment , you do not know the Op at all.
Why be like that ?
Because its anonymous ?

Original poster
ButtonMoony · 19/04/2021 12:03

@UhtredRagnarson

OPs first comment about her friend

Actually a close friend has a very short temper when he has been drinking and has quite a lengthy police history.

OPs next comment about her friend

The idea that someone would stop their kids visiting someone if it came to light that he had been in a fight when drunk 20 years easier is bizarre and perfectly makes the point I was trying to make

“Been in a fight when drunk” is very different than what was originally described as “quite a lengthy police history”. My point being that OP is now minimising his actions, like she was her own earlier in the thread.

You can see those two comments are unrelated right?

One is about my friend.

One is stating its bizarre that someone would stop someone seeing their children if they had been in a fight 20 years ago, which is what was suggested.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/04/2021 12:06

I would happily pay more tax for police officers to have the resources to breathalyse FAR more people than they currently are able to. Drink driving is never acceptable but, people bang on about being ok to drive and they're not 'over the limit'.

There's no education possible for those types so a ZERO alcohol limit for drivers would be better. Saves having to go through all that forgiveness and recidivism when they're caught/have killed somebody.

worriedatthemoment · 19/04/2021 12:06

@MapleMay11 what about if a close family member like your dc etc made a mistake and was convicted would you have nothing to do with them?
Its easy to say about a stranger not so easy if someone you know
And you can't possibly say that no one you know would do this as thats what most peoples friends / family say when someone is convicted if many crimes

UhtredRagnarson · 19/04/2021 12:07

You can see those two comments are unrelated right?

One is about my friend.

One is stating its bizarre that someone would stop someone seeing their children if they had been in a fight 20 years ago, which is what was suggested.

No, they aren’t unrelated. They are both about your friend. The second one is your response to my comment questioning your decision making abilities wrt leaving your child with your friend who you stated has a very short temper and quite a lengthy police history.

worriedatthemoment · 19/04/2021 12:07

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I agree but should also apply to speeding as that kills many as we