To think you can't judge someone by one mistake

[ButtonMoony]

YABU - people never change
YANBU - without all the details you shouldn't judge.

Prompted by another thread about a bloke who did prison time for punching someone. Lots of comments deciding he is a violent man and likely to be again in the future without knowing ANY fact.

Also prompted by my own experience.

Never any trouble with the police for 40 plus years. Successful business woman, PTA blah blah.

Husband left, business crashed, I had a full on mental breakdown. Crisis teams, inpatient treatment, sectioned, the works.

During a period of my life that I honestly can't remember and whilst in the depths of a depression I wouldn't wish on anyone I was convicted for drink driving.

So. Should I be judged by people for the rest of my life and deemed a threat to people as I might do it again (I won't. Sober. Re married. Back in employment) or should people consider overall circumstances before making a snap decision about someone based on one mistake.

[getsomehelp]

It would be sad if one drunken punch in a pub could define you for life.
But it depends if the other person died..
To be truthful, I think sending someone to prison for the above would not be helpful in any way to redressing the "criminal"

[ancientgran]

@Francescaisstressed

Depends on the mistake.
Had a friend that took a fradueltn credit card out in another freinds name (who was vulnerable).
She maintains it was a one time mistake and would never do anything like it again.
Half our group forgave her. I was one that didn't because I knew I would never trust her again.

Hearing your story I wouldn't judge you on what happened. However, it really does depend on the seriousness and consequence of what you have done and trust etc.

I wouldn't judge the OP but I do see the credit card fraud differently, it was very premeditated so I would be more wary of that one.

[LesserBother]

To be truthful, I think sending someone to prison for the above would not be helpful in any way to redressing the "criminal

I used to think living with the guilt would be punishment enough but frequently it seems that the people who make these 'one mistakes' don't feel particularly guilty or remorseful. They feel unlucky, or unfairly treated, full of excuses as to why it wasn't really their fault - not guilty.

[ButtonMoony]

@EmbarrassingAdmissions

Not at all. The officer who took the reading at the police station told me I was incredibly unfortunate. It was she who said a little bit later that I would have been fine. She also said that there was so little in my system a good driver would still have better reactions than lots of elderly, medicated, poor sighted etc drivers who drive legally everyday.

Not getting into that though as I will be accused of not accepting my error again (I have) and of denying responsibility for my own actions (I havent)

The point I was trying to make was that a small piece of Info about someone such as a drink driving conviction, fraud conviction, failed marriage etc shouldn't be used to define someone without a much better understanding of their circumstances.

I think my point would have been better made without using my own example. I wasn't trying to justify what I did, simply hoping that a few people might read it and think twice about jumping to conclusions about people in the future.

[Bluntness100]

I used to think living with the guilt would be punishment enough but frequently it seems that the people who make these 'one mistakes' don't feel particularly guilty or remorseful. They feel unlucky, or unfairly treated, full of excuses as to why it wasn't really their fault - not guilty

I think thr ops posts evolved to that a bit, it went from “I was very ill” to well “we’ve all done it and I bet this changes your view”. Which I assume is because people close to her have been feeding her that nonsense to try to make her feel better about it.

I also read it that it was not a one off occurrence, the op habitually did it, it was the getting caught that was the one off.

Everyone I know has been very aware of “I’m driving tomorrow so I best stop drinking” or “ I can’t drive I was still wankered at 2 am” for a very long time.

[LolaButt]

It’s a strict liability offence. Which is great as your excuses aren’t legally valid.

Victim mentality leads to me judging offenders like you more than others.

[CirclesWithinCircles]

[quote ButtonMoony]@EmbarrassingAdmissions

Not at all. The officer who took the reading at the police station told me I was incredibly unfortunate. It was she who said a little bit later that I would have been fine. She also said that there was so little in my system a good driver would still have better reactions than lots of elderly, medicated, poor sighted etc drivers who drive legally everyday.

Not getting into that though as I will be accused of not accepting my error again (I have) and of denying responsibility for my own actions (I havent)

The point I was trying to make was that a small piece of Info about someone such as a drink driving conviction, fraud conviction, failed marriage etc shouldn't be used to define someone without a much better understanding of their circumstances.

I think my point would have been better made without using my own example. I wasn't trying to justify what I did, simply hoping that a few people might read it and think twice about jumping to conclusions about people in the future.[/quote]
The police are often "nice" to people to help them stay calm and be easier to handle.

I've encountered this, sort of justification before from people who have had dealings with the police and who think it marks them out as being special in some way.

It generally denotes a personality trait that I find best avoided.

[DrSbaitso]

There is a huge difference between drink driving or fraud, and a marriage ending.

As others have said, it's situation specific and there are no hard and fast rules for all. I'll admit I am sceptical about all these "one punch and he died" stories though. So many wonderful, kind, gentle, loving, amazing people who just accidentally killed with one punch instead of doing whatever level of damage they presumably intended to cause.

[steppemum]

Depends on the mistake.
Had a friend that took a fradueltn credit card out in another freinds name (who was vulnerable).
She maintains it was a one time mistake and would never do anything like it again.
Half our group forgave her. I was one that didn't because I knew I would never trust her again.

this to me is completely different. And I really can't think of it as a mistake at all.
I would judge this harder in some ways than a lad who threw a punch outside a pub and the other lad died.
This is premeditated fraud, deceit. Someone upthread said dishonesty is a character trait and I agree. I would never trust her again. Whereas that murderer, the punch thrower. Well, it depends on who he is now. On what sort of person her is, and how is has responded to the crime he did as a teenager. He could be a changed person. (but I wouldn't assuem he was)

[UhtredRagnarson]

The thing is OP we can’t spend our lives explaining all the circumstances of everything we’ve been through to people. Nor should we. So some people you meet will know more about your situation than others and they will all assess for themselves whether you are a “threat” to them or the people they love. Who cares? Does it affect you if they judge you as a threat?

[Bluntness100]

The officer who took the reading at the police station told me I was incredibly unfortunate. It was she who said a little bit later that I would have been fine. She also said that there was so little in my system a good driver would still have better reactions than lots of elderly, medicated, poor sighted etc drivers who drive legally everyday

They still breathalysed and charged you op. Sadly most of us have had a few small accidents on the road, most of us are never breathalysed because of it.

She was just placating you.

[DrSbaitso]

It was she who said a little bit later that I would have been fine

I don't mean to be a smartarse, but that's true of all drunk drivers.

[steppemum]

DrSbaitso the one punch thing - it is quite a well known phenomenon, the police have a name for it which I have forgotten.
I agree that presumably the two people involved would have been having /about to have a fight. But not always, I read of a case where one block was in the wrong place at the wrong time and a very angry customer in a pub swung a random punch and he got it.

I think for me the issue is angry teenagers and alcohol lead to very bad situations. Ten years down the line, those teens may be totally different people (or not) haunted by their teenage actions. I would give them a second chance.
But some of them would do exactly the same again if they had too much to drink and someone was winding them up.

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

OP - You initially said your drink driving conviction came about during a period of your life that you “couldn’t remember”.

In later posts you gave details of the offence, even the time of it, and tried to mitigate your situation by explaining you were only just over the limit, after drinking the previous evening. That indicates that you DO remember and that you made a conscious decision to drive; thinking you would be ok. I’m not doubting at all what you say about your mental health. But it does sound as though your choice to drink and then drive the next day was really much more a calculated choice.

Do I think you are defined as a person because of this one crime and that you are beyond redemption? Of course not. Do I think that it’s natural that people may still judge you for it? Yes, I do. But we all get judged, for lots of things. We have to live with it and learn from our past. You deserve real credit for re-building your life. But, despite your denials, you are still minimising your crime in a way that does you no credit.

[ancientgran]

@DrSbaitso

It was she who said a little bit later that I would have been fine

I don't mean to be a smartarse, but that's true of all drunk drivers.

Well for some it isn't a little bit later, it can be many hours for some.

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

With the greatest respect it wasn't a mistake. A,mistake is putting salt in someone's tea instead of sugar not getting behind the wheel intoxicated.
Therefore please don't refer to it as a "mistake"

I can sit here and very easily say Everyone deserves a second chance. However if heaven forbid I was having to identify the body of one of my loved was because of a thoughtless drunk driver. Im not saying I never would,be able to but forgiveness would,be the furthest thing from my mind.

[MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously]

I think there's a big difference between a one off, heat of the moment mistake and a deliberate choice to do something that you know can harm another person.
In all honesty I'd have more tolerance for someone who was over the limit the next day, not realising that alcohol is still in their system and could affect them, because that could easily be a thoughtless mistake. I'd have no tolerance for someone who has a few drinks and then drives home, knowing they are a bit tipsy.
Again I'd have more understanding of someone who got into a fight once, than someone who is routinely arrested for fighting.

[PuttingOnTheKitsch]

[quote worriedatthemoment]@denverRegina which makes me think you work with them
Nice to know your impartial [/quote]
Particularly when conditions in UK prisons are so poor and suicide rates are rocketing.

[DrSbaitso]

@steppemum

DrSbaitso the one punch thing - it is quite a well known phenomenon, the police have a name for it which I have forgotten.
I agree that presumably the two people involved would have been having /about to have a fight. But not always, I read of a case where one block was in the wrong place at the wrong time and a very angry customer in a pub swung a random punch and he got it.

I think for me the issue is angry teenagers and alcohol lead to very bad situations. Ten years down the line, those teens may be totally different people (or not) haunted by their teenage actions. I would give them a second chance.
But some of them would do exactly the same again if they had too much to drink and someone was winding them up.

Well, if it really is so easy to kill someone with one punch, people who are serious about not killing someone won't swing one punch, will they?

If it wasn't found to be self defence, then in the eyes of the (admittedly fallible) law, the punch was intended to cause some kind of offensive damage. What exactly were these paragons of humanity intending to do?

I can see the logic behind forgiving it more easily than card fraud because of less premeditation and intent, but I'd still rather lose my card than my life.

[lightyearsahead]

I wouldn't judge you, I would be in awe of your strength in turning things around and building your life back up.

[ButtonMoony]

@Bluntness100

The officer who took the reading at the police station told me I was incredibly unfortunate. It was she who said a little bit later that I would have been fine. She also said that there was so little in my system a good driver would still have better reactions than lots of elderly, medicated, poor sighted etc drivers who drive legally everyday

They still breathalysed and charged you op. Sadly most of us have had a few small accidents on the road, most of us are never breathalysed because of it.

She was just placating you.

Where i live ever driver involved in any incident the police are called to is routinely breathalysed and that includes of only as a witness.

Not sure what you were trying to Insinuate.

And one last time. I have never tried to justify what I did. I have never minimised it.

I am ashamed and it has had a massive impact on my life in all sorts of different ways.

I can be remorseful and ashamed and still explain the circumstances. The two things aren't exclusive.

[JanuaryJonez]

OP I absolutely would not judge you and I really think the reaction on here is just not representative of real life! I'm glad you've got your life back on track too.

I'm wondering why you're asking as well - are you in a situation where you have to reveal this or are you just interested.

Someone mentioned upthread that a marriage failing is a reason to judge someone, which shocked me. Me and my DH worked out recently that us and one other couple we know are the only people in our wider circle of friends and acquaintances that hasn't got divorced!

[DrSbaitso]

Well for some it isn't a little bit later, it can be many hours for some.

I know, but a) who knows how long the drunk person has been driving around before now and b) the defence of "well I would have been fine later" applies to all of them. The entire offence was that they didn't wait.

[ravenmum]

So OP, if you knew a man who'd punched someone while drunk, would you leave your small children with him?

[IbrahimaRedTwo]

Getting back to the original point....the thing is, I can judge you (and anyone else) on whatever grounds I choose to, whatever I am happy with. You don't get to say how other people can judge.
We all have our red lines and our boundaries. If I decide one thing you did is something that makes me not want to associate with you, I can do that, whether you or anyone else thinks thats fair or not.