That friends meet up without me?

[lovevlyt]

I have friends that sometimes meet without including me.

The annoying thing is they all met through me and didn't know each other before. They also have kids, I don't - probably another factor in it.

Do they not understand it's upsetting?

Am I being too sensitive? It really annoys me and part of me feels like distancing myself from them.

Do they meet up with kids though

We have friends that do this too, and I think it’s because they have children. I hated it and cut back seeing them but my DH wasn’t bothered so continued. It’s just awkward when they’re all talking about a picnic the weekend before and you’re standing there not knowing what to think.

I think they bring kids yes but it's really thoughtless and I find it disrespectful to me as a person

I also think it's worse as I introduced them to each other - I don't know why but it is kore hurtful I don't think I'd be as bothered otherwise

I'd be hurt by this too, OP. And the worst thing is that it's a really, really difficult thing to raise with them (without looking petty, which you're not).

It makes me think they are showing their true colours and only want friendships that are convenient for them

I have been on the receiving end of this and it hurt like hell . These people have become casual acquaintances over the last few years . I discovered they went on cruises and trips to New York and they didn’t even have the balls to tell me . I don’t care anymore though . Got wiser and I’m lucky to have a lovely family and concentrate on them .

I think it depends. Are they meeting up at kid specific venues they may not consider you want to join them regardless. Are they meeting when your at work if they are off work. If they are meeting without kids and on your usual non working days then yes I can see why you would be upset. But if its say during the week when you would usually be working or to a kid related activity. You could then ask them to invite you and its up to you if you want to pay to go and join them.

Happened to me and I ended up dropping away from the majority of the group.

The best way I’d describe is the kids birthday parties - some would invite us and we’d go, bring a present and mingle. Others wouldn’t invite us then discuss the most recent play date/ party when we were part of the group later on. The first group we stayed friends with but the second are now casual acquaintances.

There was one uncomfortable moment where we were visiting a couple who were very much in the first group - kids or no kids we were invited to everything and they’d come to us - and they had to basically tell us to leave to go to a play date with pretty much everyone else. They were very much ‘oh we’ll meet you there’ and we had to explain that they wouldn’t because we hadn’t been invited.

Are they all still meeting you as well? You don’t own people; they can be friends with each other as well as you

@Shoxfordian I see your point but no they're not meeting me! It's lockdown I appreciate but even people without kids are going for walks and they know I like walking

I know what you mean I don't own people but because you dont own someone does that mean they can't be hurtful with their behaviour?

I wouldn’t be bothered by this in the slightest

It's the end of the hols... Is it that they've met up entertaining kids in the daytime while you're at work?

Have you asked them to go for a walk or meet up? It’s not nice if they’ve just dropped you

I don't know days and times - but what's wrong with the weekend - what's wrong with meeting me separately?

It's not like they meet other and me, they just meet each other!

@Shoxfordian yes I have on couple of occasions and they go 'yeh yeh' and then nothing

Do you ask them to meet or invite them out?

Have you ever asked them to go for a walk or to do something? Or are you expecting them to always ask you?

I have a friend that never ever organises anything or says do you fancy doing x. She will wait until she is invited to anything. And thus moans if she hasn't seen us for ages when she could ask too.

I'm always the instigator, always have been. Now I'm dropping off and my DH says I need to be careful or else I'll end up lonely in years to come but - I have kinda had enough of making efforts.

I also feel lockdown has not helped this either. Part of me is like - why bother anymore it feels energy draining.

Previously I was guilty of not asking friends without or with older children to come certain places with the kids because I assumed they wouldn't want to go and didn't want them to feel obliged to come to something when they may not want to go.

I've come to realise that it is kinder to ask so have always asked since. Could they be trying to spare you the tears and tantrums of toddlerdum?

If I had no kids I'd much rather be sat in beer garden sipping wine than being told for the millionth time by a small child that they are hungry, bored, tired, cold etc etc. They are maybe just thinking you wouldn't want to go?

@Takwxiab2 no I've asked a few times and I have to be the planner. I always have been working my friendship groups and I guess I'm just annoyed because clearly they are haiku planning or else they wouldn't be able to plan a meet without me!

I always manage to introduce friends who then see more of each other than me. It does hurt a bit, but I also don't mind enough to make more effort to arrange meet ups or mention it.

Unfortunately it doesn't sound like they are friends you want to have in your life then if they are being like this and no genuine reason why they could be meeting without you but not meaning it to hurt you. E.g. kid related activities

It is hard. Feeling left out is horrible. Makes your mind go into overdrive be "what gave I done wrong?". But you probably haven't done anything wrong, they're just being very thoughtless.

It could be that they don't want to bother you with their children, especially if they are lively, demanding

I wouldn't invite people without kids (other than close family) to say soft play or a play park or kids party. Its shit enough being surrounded by screaming kids when one of them is yours. It would never cross my mind that they'd want an invite. Maybe mention it to them. It's different I guess if they're going to somewhere that adults might enjoy as well like a nice restaurant or national trust or something