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AIBU?

That friends meet up without me?

209 replies

lovevlyt · 18/04/2021 20:46

I have friends that sometimes meet without including me.

The annoying thing is they all met through me and didn't know each other before. They also have kids, I don't - probably another factor in it.

Do they not understand it's upsetting?

Am I being too sensitive? It really annoys me and part of me feels like distancing myself from them.

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DenisetheMenace · 18/04/2021 21:07

Yes, I’m sorry but you are too sensitive. We don’t own anyone else. I’ve been introduced to people who I like much more than the person who introduced us, including my husband. Do I have to invite that person along every time?
That’s just silly.

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Hankunamatata · 18/04/2021 21:07

Pre kids I would have rather pulled my teeth out than go to kids party or meet up with a friend with their kids. It wouldnt occur for me to invite someone if I was doing a playdate meet up for kids if they didnt have kids

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weewitch · 18/04/2021 21:07

That really is hurtful Op. No real advice other than try to widen your social circle & phase them out. You don't need friends that make you feel shit.

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Hankunamatata · 18/04/2021 21:10

You said yourself that you dont know the times. Perhaps they are meeting while your at work? I dont tend to do weekend meetups as that's familty time

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XiCi · 18/04/2021 21:11

They probably think you wouldn't want to meet up to do child centric things. I know I wouldn't have wanted to before I had kids. I'd have been happy for my friends with kids to meet up without me if they were meeting up to do family activities.

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PurpleDaisies · 18/04/2021 21:13

Are they meeting when they know you definitely won’t be free? I think it’s defensible to not invite you when they know you can’t come.

I wouldn't invite people without kids (other than close family) to say soft play or a play park or kids party. Its shit enough being surrounded by screaming kids when one of them is yours. It would never cross my mind that they'd want an invite.

If you’re the only one without kids, it’s horrible to not invited because of that. I’d much rather be invited and say no than always be left out.

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PurpleDaisies · 18/04/2021 21:16

@XiCi

They probably think you wouldn't want to meet up to do child centric things. I know I wouldn't have wanted to before I had kids. I'd have been happy for my friends with kids to meet up without me if they were meeting up to do family activities.

The problem happens when “before kids” never turns into “with kids” and you’re the only one without them. It’s different when you’re younger and there’s more of a mix of friends with and without children.

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B33Fr33 · 18/04/2021 21:19

It does hurt. it sounds unkind to overlook you like that.

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Oatycoffee · 18/04/2021 21:20

Oh no this would upset me. My group of friends always plan things as a group on whatsapp and whoever can make it does and whoever cant doesnt. Thats not very kind and I would mention to one of your friends that it makes you feel sad, maybe they just assume you wouldnt want to go if theyre meeting at play areas etc. Big hugs to you x

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Angrypregnantlady · 18/04/2021 21:21

I understand why you're hurt but I don't think people typically invite a childless person to a child play date. And especially at the moment when getting out is so hard and there's few kid things on, it makes sense that they're prioritising things for the kids I think.

Do you want to meet up with the kids or do you want to meet them without the kids? Would you be happy if all the friends had all the kids? If so, I'd tell them specifically that "I know you don't think I'd like to come when you're with the kids but I really would enjoy a farm day out with you all and the kids so please don't feel like you can't invite me just because I don't have kids of my own."

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lovevlyt · 18/04/2021 21:23

I'm quite stubborn so would never ask to go. I know makes me sound petty but it would make me feel like I'm begging for mates. There's a reason they don't want me involved and whatever that reason is I'm not 'persuading' them otherwise.

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PurpleDaisies · 18/04/2021 21:27

You don’t have to ask to go. Just tell them you’re happy to meet up in child friendly settings. Maybe they don’t think you’d be willing to do that.

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Stillfunny · 18/04/2021 21:29

This happened to me and yes, it is hurtful . But unfortunately there is nothing you can do . If you ask and then are made to feel unwanted or uncomfortable it is horrible. So many women seem to have these kinds of problems , it never seems to stop from childish Mean Girls phase for sum. Most guys dont care who goes or not , just more straightforward with friendships.
Easy to say that you don't need these unkind people in your life, but it does hurt your feelings.

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lovevlyt · 18/04/2021 21:30

@PurpleDaisies I think it's rude of them to assume that. They could say 'this is happening - we understand if you don't want to come because it will be a kid outing but the offer is there'

That's what someone thoughtful would do, IMO

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user1471554720 · 18/04/2021 21:31

Could you say the next time, (when they are discussing an event which happened without you) How come I wasn't asked along, and start laughing. I did this when people didn't ask me to lunch at work, and spoke about the lunch in front of me. They asked me the next time. Your friends may give the reason. I doubt it is malicious, when they talk about it in front of you. If they go awkward, you can say you were joking, and privately reduce contact.

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lovevlyt · 18/04/2021 21:32

@Stillfunny exactly.d these things don't seem to happen with men.

My DH goes out with his friends and they don't even talk about their kids barely let alone highlight who is and isn't a parent amongst the group. It's about having fun and catching up with their mates.

They don't care because they just want to see their friends.

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PurpleDaisies · 18/04/2021 21:39

[quote lovevlyt]@PurpleDaisies I think it's rude of them to assume that. They could say 'this is happening - we understand if you don't want to come because it will be a kid outing but the offer is there'

That's what someone thoughtful would do, IMO[/quote]
Be that as it may, it doesn’t help your situation now. You can be bitter and angry about them not inviting you for what might be a good but misguided reason, or you can give them the chance to do the right thing by telling them how you really feel. What have you got to lose?

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AcrobaticCardigan · 18/04/2021 21:40

I completely understand your point of view, but I expect they see the meet ups as play dates for the kids, rather than as a friend meet up for themselves.

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lovevlyt · 18/04/2021 21:41

@PurpleDaisies I guess you're right and I see your point.

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lovevlyt · 18/04/2021 21:42

@user1471554720 I like this suggestion!

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Allwokedup · 18/04/2021 21:46

It’s upsetting but its just life. Just organise meet ups as well.

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SarahBellam · 18/04/2021 21:47

I would try not to overthink this. You’re right though and it’s something I’d never really thought about. When my DC were small and we were both working full time ‘out out’ meant a trip to a petting zoo or a soft play. By the time that was done, plus life admin and shopping for the week etc. I was wrecked. Never in a million years did I think my cool friend would want to come with me to those. I only went because my kids liked them and I to make it bearable I liked going there with people who could share the pain. Keep in touch with your friends. Things become much easier as kids get older and their lives are less all consuming.

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MorgeMooney · 18/04/2021 21:48

They're probably seeing these other meetings as play dates.

Tbh the adults don't exactly get to have a nice long chat or get to enjoy themselves much on these! They probably spend 90% of the time kid wrangling.

It's probably not personal.

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GhostCurry · 18/04/2021 21:50

@lovevlyt

It makes me think they are showing their true colours and only want friendships that are convenient for them

When it comes down to it, many friendships are like this. It’s not some terrible failing of character that you’ve uncovered - it’s life. Especially with kids.

I mean, you don’t have to like it, but try to keep it in perspective. Friendships come and go, especially in the “young kids” time of life.

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Blankspace101 · 18/04/2021 21:52

Sounds like they don’t like you very much.

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