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That friends meet up without me?

209 replies

lovevlyt · 18/04/2021 20:46

I have friends that sometimes meet without including me.

The annoying thing is they all met through me and didn't know each other before. They also have kids, I don't - probably another factor in it.

Do they not understand it's upsetting?

Am I being too sensitive? It really annoys me and part of me feels like distancing myself from them.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 20/04/2021 16:37

Well this has got a bit odd, because on your other thread you stated yesterday you were ttc?

2bazookas · 20/04/2021 16:40

Why should you care? I'm pretty sure my friends ( and my family) have lives of their own, contact each other without telling or asking me, and share conversations and activities that have nothing to do with me. I hope so, because I often do the same .

SpringCleanDiva · 20/04/2021 16:45

It does sound a bit childish OP. If you are introduced to someone snd you have lots in common or DC the same age, why would they have to run a struck up friendship by you, a third party? All sounds a bit possessive TBH.

HikeForward · 20/04/2021 19:03

My level of flakiness is this - if someone has a genuine reason ie - they are sick or kids unexpectedly sick or an emergency happens or they double booked by accident and decide to stick with original plan then fine.
If they keep doing the above say one out of every two or three planned meets not fine. The frequency is also important.

What you describe as flakiness doesn’t make sense to me. When you have kids you have little control over the ‘frequency’ of cancelled meet ups. Kids get sick way more often than adults, they have more accidents and injuries. They get clingy and tired. Child care has to be arranged to go anywhere without them. A mum who has been up all night with a coughing child or teething baby is unlikely to want to keep a social engagement the next day. I don’t think that’s flakiness, just the exhaustion that comes with motherhood.

You say you arrange/instigate all the meet ups. Maybe you’re doing it too often if they only meet 1 in 3 times. If you put them on the spot they might feel obliged to say yes let’s meet up. It’s hard to say ‘no I’m too tired’ or ‘we don’t have enough in common for another coffee or pub meal’ or think of an excuse on the spot.

Instead of calling others flakey, perhaps it would help to consider your own attitude to friends. Are you good company when you meet? Do you make lively conversation, tell funny stories, ask them about themselves? Are you positive and kind? Or are you simmering with resentment they missed the last arrangement with you? Do you talk a lot about work or your problems?

HikeForward · 20/04/2021 19:26

That same friend seems to never want me over to her house, everytime we meet she will suggest my house or shopping mall, even when I've suggested her house, she will say she would rather meet up outside, however she often would have friend in common over at her house.

Could it be her child doesn’t get on with yours? Some kids just clash. Or one kid is too intrusive eg going in parts of the house out of bounds, or making a mess with crumbs on the sofa, or being rough with toys. Most play dates are around which children get along around each other at that age, not the mums socialising.

I’m not saying you let your child make a mess or annoy others, but people have different standards in their homes.

I once invited a lovely friend and her DD for a play date. Frustratingly she let her DD eat chocolate wafers all over my sofa (breezily declined a plate) let her DD do things mine isn’t allowed to like climb over the back of the sofas and bounce on the beds, and didn’t help tidy the massive mess the kids created (including letting her DD tip an entire box of Duplo on the floor and mix sticklebricks, jigsaws and Playmobil in heaps). It took me all afternoon to sort out the toys and get the house back in a reasonable state. We only meet in parks now. I still like my friend but I don’t want her DD in my home; friend has a much more permissive parenting style which is fine but I don’t want my DD copying her.

VodkaSlimline · 20/04/2021 19:45

OP you have my full sympathy - I can't really improve on the problem page link posted on p1 but the only thing I will say is that it is far worse for single childfree people! Don't you have any single friends? They might have more time for you.

BackforGood · 20/04/2021 22:54

I haven't seen anyone being obtuse on this thread.
Quite the contrary, I've seen a lot of posters being incredibly patient and trying to explain to you that there seems to be a common denominator in your difficulties in retaining friendships, and trying to suggest how you might be able to help yourself going forwards.
There have been lots of helpful posts, but I suggest you particularly take note of all IbrahimaRedTwo and notacooldad 's posts.

deardia · 20/04/2021 23:19

@HikeForward no absolutely nothing to do with our children not getting on, they get on so brilliantly, and absolutely no to my child being wild, my kids are angels when we go to other people's home, I kid you not, my children always get praised for being so well behaved.
However with that friend we often meet when children are at school, so if I was invited to her house, it would just be me and her

user1471554720 · 21/04/2021 11:56

If people are cancelling meet ups frequently, then it suggests that you are meeting up too often. Maybe they woukd be happier with meeting once every 2 months to catch up. I have friends like this. If they are cancelling 4 meet ups out of 5, then I would stop asking. Cancelling lots of meet ups suggests the person either doesn't have time to meet friends or just doesn't want to meet up, but won't say it.

Maybe find out indirectly if they want to meet you less often. It is hard when you are a more genuine person and are more invested in the friendship. I suspect they may want to use each other for childcare. When you don't have dcs yet, it would be cheeky for then to ask you for childcare. A share if people are only friends with others to benefit themselves e.g. free childcare. They may know you are genuine, set store on a friendship and are not like them.

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