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AIBU?

That friends meet up without me?

209 replies

lovevlyt · 18/04/2021 20:46

I have friends that sometimes meet without including me.

The annoying thing is they all met through me and didn't know each other before. They also have kids, I don't - probably another factor in it.

Do they not understand it's upsetting?

Am I being too sensitive? It really annoys me and part of me feels like distancing myself from them.

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MRex · 20/04/2021 09:37

I had a few friends who I rarely saw when they had younger kids, it was hurtful at the time but they grew out of it along with their children getting older. Having a toddler now I can see how it's consuming; you meet other people with toddlers because it's just easier to have two running together and because going to the park or playground is a daily event so it doesn't feel like a meet-up in the way a restaurant would. Meeting other friends is rarer; I stopped seeing one group because their plans always involved somewhere difficult for me to get to with a baby/ toddler (and difficult to entertain when they're too) but easier for one particularly demanding person. I tried explaining the challenges and did it a few times, then realised it wasn't going to change so I needed to, so I stopped and felt much better for it. Maybe in a few years when it isn't inconvenient for me I'll meet up with them again, though it would be tricky not to remember always being prioritised last while having a baby.

Flaky people who cancel at the last minute I can't be dealing with though, once or twice is ok but then I would rather fade them out.

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deardia · 20/04/2021 10:06

I've always kind of feared this happening to me which is why I never introduce one friend to another. I don't see it as my responsibility to introduce one another, I won't ever see 2 friends that don't know each other at the same time. If I was with one friend, and bumped in the other friend, I would say hello but won't feel the need to introduce them with whoever am with. That works for me. Just like when I see a friend in passing and they are with someone I don't know, they too won't introduce me,

I have a friend who had a play date at her house, invited other mums she knows, and then also a friend we have in common, plastered all over social media, it was upsetting that I wasn't invited as I have child same age too, I thought maybe all the others have girls and maybe that's why she didn't tell me, scrolling on the pics, some of them had little boys, so defo wasn't because of gender.
That same friend seems to never want me over to her house, everytime we meet she will suggest my house or shopping mall, even when I've suggested her house, she will say she would rather meet up outside, however she often would have friend in common over at her house. To bring it up, it sounds very silly and petty and would make me look like am dying to go to her house also would get spoken about to others, which I'd rather not have

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IbrahimaRedTwo · 20/04/2021 11:02

And yes I do get angry when people last minute cancel plans or find a better offer.I will never agree that's how to treat people. I work 60 hour shifts and cancel other plans to meet you and then you drop me? I can't deal with flakiness and that's why I say maybe I'm better off with less/no friends

I think like many people in this situation (and there are so many who post on here), its your perspective. People have to cancel plans all the time, that's life. If you get arsy and irate and take it so personally every time, people will not want to make any plans with you,as its not worth the hassle.
It's not flakiness, that's your negativity leading you to call people flaky. This is all about your way of categorising, everyone is mean or nasty or flaky or a bad friend to you, and you think you are the kind, nice great friend. In reality you are so mean about everyone else and so unwilling to accomodate other people that they simply don't want to make the effort with you anymore, and one by one they drift away. Because you have pushed them away.

You need to change the pattern or you will never have any good friends. You are sabotaging your own relationships, every time.

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SnuggyBuggy · 20/04/2021 11:12

No one likes flakes but some people do a kind of one strike and you're out policy. That's taking it too far, could you be doing this?

I agree while you shouldn't use it to rule anyone out completely odds are you're going to be better off with people at the same life stage. Kids do get in the way and I used to find mums of young kids boring as fuck before I'd had them (I'm sure we are mostly still boring but I'm in the zone ).

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notacooldad · 20/04/2021 11:23

And yes I do get angry when people last minute cancel plans or find a better offer.I will never agree that's how to treat people. I work 60 hour shifts and cancel other plans to meet you and then you drop me? I can't deal with flakiness and that's why I say maybe I'm better off with less/no friends

I would say you are better off with no friends if you get angry if they cancel. I wouldn't want to be your friend if there was no flexibility in the relationship.
Fortunately my friends give and take.
I've cancelled recently because I was asked to do a shift swop ( something distressing happened to my colleague i was happy to help)
I also cancelled because I had my second jab and felt out of sorts with the world and knew I was going to be bad company.

1 friend cancelled became dog was really ill and had an emergency appointment the vets and anit6friend cancelled because she had a viewing dir her house.

Guess what? We are all still friends. No one is angry.
Also they went to town park river walk without me. I'm not bitter!!

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MRex · 20/04/2021 11:35

You can't equate being ill or having an unwell dog with being flaky. Those are good reasons got not being able to attend. By flaky I mean the kind of people who arrange to meet, say they're running late, then an hour later say "oh I can't manage it this morning, sorry", by which time the whole morning has been wasted being ready but not knowing they've decided not to come.

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notacooldad · 20/04/2021 12:00

You can't equate being ill or having an unwell dog with being flaky. Those are good reasons got not being able to attend. By flaky I mean the kind of people who arrange to meet, say they're running late, then an hour later say "oh I can't manage it this morning, sorry", by which time the whole morning has been wasted being ready but not knowing they've decided not to come
But we don't know what the Op's tolerance level is for flakiness.
Last week I was not ill, just feeling a bit 'meh' so cancelled.some may see that as being flaky.
Some may say my friend should have told the estate agent she had made plans rather than cancel our walk otherwise I'm not a priority or important to them.

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helpmemakeit · 20/04/2021 12:02

Get over yourself. You don't own them.

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lovevlyt · 20/04/2021 12:04

My level of flakiness is this - if someone has a genuine reason ie - they are sick or kids unexpectedly sick or an emergency happens or they double booked by accident and decide to stick with original plan then fine.

If they keep doing the above say one out of every two or three planned meets not fine. The frequency is also important.

If they do it every 20 meets - fine.

Call it what you want to me it's just the respectful thing to do is not take the piss with other peoples time. It's rude. Especially when I could have planned a thousand and one other things.

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lovevlyt · 20/04/2021 12:05

If you cancel because you don't feel like going - and it's a one on one meet then yes, you are a shit friend IMO

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IndecentFeminist · 20/04/2021 12:06

Depends, you say sometimes? Sometimes is ok, most of the time is less so.

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IbrahimaRedTwo · 20/04/2021 12:06

Call it what you want to me it's just the respectful thing to do is not take the piss with other peoples time. It's rude. Especially when I could have planned a thousand and one other things.

You're proving my point. You seem rather obsessed with people respecting you or disrespecting you....that's very unhealthy. It's not at all how people tend to see friends. It's a really odd metric to use.

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lovevlyt · 20/04/2021 12:07

Maybe not shit just selfish. We alll have days we don't want to do things but when you've committed and that person has pencilled out their day around you and potentially cancelled other plans they could have made to meet you - that's shit.

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lovevlyt · 20/04/2021 12:15

You seem rather obsessed with people respecting you or disrespecting you....that's very unhealthy

Why is it unhealthy? It's just basic manners at least by my standards

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PurpleDaisies · 20/04/2021 12:21

My level of flakiness is this - if someone has a genuine reason ie - they are sick or kids unexpectedly sick or an emergency happens or they double booked by accident and decide to stick with original plan then fine.

If they keep doing the above say one out of every two or three planned meets not fine. The frequency is also important.

Isn’t the problem with being ill, or your child being ill, or some other emergency happening, that you can’t predict or control how frequently that happens?

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Thatisnotwhatisaid · 20/04/2021 12:27

I’m guessing it’s because they have children who probably play together so it just makes sense to meet up. You don’t have children so perhaps they think you’d be bored hanging out in a playground or whatever.

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notacooldad · 20/04/2021 12:29

If you cancel because you don't feel like going - and it's a one on one meet then yes, you are a shit friend IMO
In that case all three of us are shit friends to each other as we've all done it. However, thankfully we understand each other enough that we can be honest and say that's how we are today and maybe tomorrow or the day after we will feel in a better mood.
I must be a real shit friend because most of my friendships are 35plus years and we see and contact each other regularly.

Its sad that you haven't got that connection with anyone

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LittleMissMoggy · 20/04/2021 12:39

Sorry you feel like this, friendship troubles are horrible. If it was me I would just be open and say thst whilst their get togethers are likely child focused, I'm not averse to spending time with the kids and coming along. I would say that as a general comment, rather than about a specific upcoming outing. I don't think that's begging for invites then, but is laying cards on the table. Then see what happens after that point. What is unhealthy I think it's keeping track of number of times this happens/let downs. I had a friend who would keep score on favours etc and whilst I wasn't on the recieving end of it, I saw how she communicated that to others. It was off putting.

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IbrahimaRedTwo · 20/04/2021 12:40

Why is it unhealthy? It's just basic manners at least by my standards

That's the point. Your standards are set up so everyone fails, you are the only one with manners, everyone else is awful and you feel superior and push them away.
Like this:

If you cancel because you don't feel like going - and it's a one on one meet then yes, you are a shit friend IMO

That's such a bad reason to call someone a shit friend, and means you clearly don't care about them anyway. If I've planned to meet a friend for a coffee and she doesn't feel like going, why would I expect her to come anyway? So she can be miserable in my company, because I would berate her if she cancelled? No, OP, that's you.
If my friend doesn't feel like going I say fine, we'll do another time, hope everything is ok with you. I don't say OMG you're such a shit friend, I've had it with you you flaky bitch.

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Brieminewine · 20/04/2021 12:42

If you cancel because you don't feel like going - and it's a one on one meet then yes, you are a shit friend IMO

You’re a shit friend if you expect others to give more of themselves than they are able to. They owe you nothing and plans are just that, plans, not bound by law must be adhered to.

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Cloudfrost · 20/04/2021 12:45

From you latest posts I can why people wouldn't want to arrange meet ups with you. The thing with having small kids is... Sometimes you are so knackered that you have no energy to see people. It's not about being a bad friend, or not wanting to see them. Sometimes when the kids have being little shits (oops I mean darlings), or when I am tired or stressed, the last thing I want is to go meet someone. Even if when I made the plans I had every attention of sticking to them, the day comes and I. Just. Can't. Be. Fucked. With. Anything. But. Keeping. Kids. Alive....

Parents will be more understanding and more flexible when plans get cancelled, they will not be sulky and judgemental. Nobody likes being cancelled on. But shit happens (sometimes literally if you have babies). I would feel stressed and anxious making plans with you, knowing that you would get annoyed if I had to cancel. And yeah I would avoid instigating meet ups.

On a different note, some people are better at organising meetups, in some circles I never organise because one friend is Pinterest worthy host and organiser, while in other I mostly organise because the other people are even more hopeless than me.
I don't invite some people to my house cause I feel self conscious after being to their pristine homes and others I invite wherever cause their houses are same or worse disaster lol

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Cloudfrost · 20/04/2021 12:48

@TheYearOfSmallThings

Loved your post! Just so true yet so sad that the husbands carry on like life hasn't changed at all.!
Parenthood and double standards

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lovevlyt · 20/04/2021 12:51

Wow. Honestly I'm really shocked at how acceptable people think flakiness is.

In life there's many things you can't be 'arsed to do' but you just do them anyway if you've committed to it.

If I say I'm doing something - I do it it's as simple as that as long as I'm able to and even if I 'don't feel like it!', once I've committed it happens.

Clearly, I'm in the minority with this.

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PurpleDaisies · 20/04/2021 12:53

If I say I'm doing something - I do it it's as simple as that as long as I'm able to and even if I 'don't feel like it!', once I've committed it happens.

You were also saying that people who cancelled too frequently even when the reasons were outside of their control (illness and emergencies) were flaky. Care to explain how you avoid those things happening to you?

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LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 20/04/2021 12:54

@lovevlyt

Maybe not shit just selfish. We alll have days we don't want to do things but when you've committed and that person has pencilled out their day around you and potentially cancelled other plans they could have made to meet you - that's shit.

I agree with you on principle BUT with small children it is a bit different.
A toddler in a bad mood can spoil the day so a parent might cancel last minute because of it. Or having spent a really bad night with a crying baby.
Punctuality also becomes less important sometimes, as getting out of the house is a whole affair.
Finally, with young children you tend to make less effort in the way you dress, put make up etc.

Could your friends feel that you would judge them on these three aspects? Cancelling/being late/not making an effort on how they look.

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