That friends meet up without me?

[lovevlyt]

I have friends that sometimes meet without including me.

The annoying thing is they all met through me and didn't know each other before. They also have kids, I don't - probably another factor in it.

Do they not understand it's upsetting?

Am I being too sensitive? It really annoys me and part of me feels like distancing myself from them.

By the way, I think this article could really help you OP. Please read it, it’s very relevant to your exact situation.

www.thecut.com/2019/06/ask-polly-my-friendships-make-me-sad.html

I have a group of friends, sometimes we meet as a group, sometimes a couple of us, sometimes all but one. No rhyme nor reason to it. It's usually just that we've been chatting and decided to go the the cinema or coffee or whatever.

One member of the group massively complains if anything is done without her. She even complained when one friend and her husband went to IKEA! She can be a conversation hog and pretty much always makes everything about her. The upshot is that she is now invited less and we hide our meet ups more. Its too stressful and you end up feeling shit because you didn't make sure someone was free before going for a walk.

Ironically, she is more than happy to meet up with some of the group. It's only her that has to he considered at all times.

My friends do this. It used to really bother me but now I just don't care.
My life has changed, although their behaviour started long before this. I have a family, a house and a baby, they don't. They pick me up and put me down as they see fit.
It is hard but I have grown used to it now. I just keep to myself, my husband, my baby, family and animals which works well for me.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

I wouldn't invite people without kids (other than close family) to say soft play or a play park or kids party. Its shit enough being surrounded by screaming kids when one of them is yours. It would never cross my mind that they'd want an invite. Maybe mention it to them. It's different I guess if they're going to somewhere that adults might enjoy as well like a nice restaurant or national trust or something

This ^

Also and I find it disrespectful to me as a person is completely ridiculous.
I mean, I think YABVU to think that people you are friends with somehow have to invite you anywhere they go, but to move from that to saying 'they are disrespecting' you does make you sound a little unhinged.

Even without the mention of entertaining their dc, people can meet with whatever friends they like, when they like, to do whatever they like. But once you mention they are having to entertain dc, and aren't a few adults going out for a meal or something that you have been left out from an established group, then you are sounding somewhat odd.
I think it's rude of them to assume that ....... but no parent on this thread does.
They are doing something to keep their dc entertained in the school holidays, and it wouldn't cross their minds that someone who doesn't need to do that would want to be dragged along to that walk or picnic or whatever. As a pp said They probably spend 90% of the time kid wrangling. I would never have inflicted that on a friend when my dc were small enough to need me to take them out.

How old are you all OP?

This is interesting because none of my friends that didn’t have children (or had teens etc) have ever wanted to come to the park/ soft play etc, I wouldn’t expect someone to want to do those things that didn’t have small children so I wouldn’t have thought to invite you

Are these your only friends OP? Is that why your DH is worried that you'll be lonely if you phase them out? Have you had other friendships in the past?

From the article: “my friends are befriending each other through social media, and they’re forming friendships independently of an introduction from me. It’s made me feel isolated and used...

Many of these friends are new parents, and I sense they only want to socialize with other parents...

I’m at that age where most of my friends have kids, and I don’t have them, so I don’t get invited to things like weekly playdates or mom nights now being organized among my friends. They justify their behavior as being about their families, but it hurts to be excluded consistently.”

&@XiCi late thirties

@Oversize yes that's right. My friendship group has whittled from probably 15 to 4 in the last ten years and it's really all I have left.

@GhostCurry thanks a lot the article has really helped

How many friends are they? If it’s just two friends meeting as a pair it’s perfectly reasonable for them to meet up without you, just as it would be okay for you to see either of them without the other. Sometimes people want one-on-one time with friends instead of always being in a group.

If you’re talking about a group of at least 3 other friends who you have historically met up with as a group then it depends; if some of the group are meeting in a pair without the rest of you sometimes I find think that’s fine but if all of them are meeting up as a group and only excluding you then I would be upset too.

Sometimes people click and that happens when they meet via other people.

Do you not have other friends, some without children?

If they sometimes meet up without you, but also sometimes meet up with you, then I wouldn't be too bothered. Especially right now - if you're in the UK, rules about household-mixing and the 'rule of six' may mean that it's not possible for everyone to meet together at once. Also, if they've got kids, some of these meeting may really be children's play sessions with the parents supervising rather than social get-togethers for the adults.

If they always or mostly meet with each other, and rarely or never with you, then I agree that it's hurtful.

I think you deserve better OP

A different scenario, but I went through similar within a small group of friends. One slowly pushed me out, very hurtful at the time, but I now feel well rid.

I've since found much nicer friends and my confidence is boosted. I started a volunteering role a few years ago and met lots of people through that, would that be an option for you?

My DH goes out with his friends and they don't even talk about their kids barely let alone highlight who is and isn't a parent amongst the group. It's about having fun and catching up with their mates.

Meanwhile, their wives are at the petting zoo in the rain trying to stop the 4 year old feeding the baby to the goats again.

Have you tried inviting them to something adult only? I agree with others that it wouldn't occur to me to invite someone without kids to soft play for example as surely you'd be bored and find the environment irritating.

Unless there is a lot of history most friendships do need a certain amount of convenience, there are only so many hours in the day. Its always good when you can combine things like kids getting a playdate and you getting some adult conversation.

@Shoxfordian

Are they all still meeting you as well? You don’t own people; they can be friends with each other as well as you

Quite. Friendships change over time, too. Nothing is fixed.

To be honest, op, as blunt as this is, it seems they have distanced themselves from you, but I wonder if it’s Covid related, that they are just getting the kids together.

If these are the only friends you have, then I’d ask myself if there is maybe something behind their behaviour Ie Covid. I get it hurts but it may not be what it looks like.

There are some awful spiteful comments on here. Next time you have a relationship question ask it in Relationships OP. Maybe even ask to get your post moved.

It hurts to be left out and I can understand how you feel. Maybe it even takes you back to school or childhood. It is time to take control of your relationship rather than being a passive player in their game. Stop talking to them. Maybe even unfollow or unfrienf them on social media so you aren't hurting yourself by looking at their photos.

Your husband is wrong. You can make new friends. I kmow its hard, believe me I do but use the energy and time you are spending on these friends and put them into new hobbies. Try meetup.com or gateway-women.com/

Lastly read this poem. These friends may have been in your life for a reason like introducing them to each other or a season but either way the time is up on the friendship. Grieve it if you need to but do move on. All the best.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON. . . It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are!

They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

Then people come into your life for a SEASON….Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons – things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Unknown Author

You don’t own the friendship because you introduced them.

What are you like with their kids? We don’t I cite our child feee friend to things when we have our kids with us because she just seems irritated by having to do kid stuff. I see her regularly without kids though.

Maybe they haven't considered that you might want to be involved in a child-centred activity?

I know you feel a bit cringey talking about it/ asking to be invited along, but it could just be a genuine misunderstanding. Some people would think that a person without kids just wouldn't be interested in doing activities that revolve around kids. If you do want to be involved then you need to make it clear that you are up for doing things with the kids.

Do they not understand it's upsetting?Am I being too sensitive?

Yes you are being so over sensitive its ridiculous, and I can't believe anyone is agreeing with you! People can meet whoever they want, whenever they want, without your permission.