That friends meet up without me?

[lovevlyt]

I have friends that sometimes meet without including me.

The annoying thing is they all met through me and didn't know each other before. They also have kids, I don't - probably another factor in it.

Do they not understand it's upsetting?

Am I being too sensitive? It really annoys me and part of me feels like distancing myself from them.

[notacooldad]

I think people are being deliberately obtuse on this thread OP.
I don't think they are to be honest.
This thread has changed from Ops original premise which she was unhappy about friends if hers becoming friends with each other and then she sats excluding her.
The reason it appears is to meet up with kids which if I'm honest I'd be glad to be excluded from but would still expect to meet up on other occasions.
Its gone on to people's different ideas as to what flakiness is to different people and what level they are prepared to put up with.
I know I have one very close friend who people would not tolerate in here due to her last minute cancellations and poor time keeping but she goes above and beyond a good friend when the chips are down that I am happy she is in my life.
I have been friends for nearly 40 years now, she ain't going to change but I love what she brings to our relationship.
I have known other people that have been a lot less flaky but I have let that friendship die out.

[SnuggyBuggy]

Like any negative thing you will put up with a lot more when you have a better relationship. I think things like flakiness or jealousy are actually symptoms of a friendship that's no longer working out if it ever did.

[Plumbear2]

The problem is you are wanting g to be invited to meetings with young children. When my children where younger I would arrange play meet ups in the park etc with full understanding people would turn up late, early, not all if they had a bad night or uncontrollable poonarmi. Meeting friends with kids is usually like that, we completely understand why someone drops out last minute. The problem you have you expect them turn up on time as if it was a grown up meet up at the cinema etc. That's not how it works with young kids.

[Plumbear2]

Also I would often txt friends with kids while at the park asking if they where free and fancied joining us. . It would never even enter our heads to ask someone without kids. The meet up is for the kids.

[lovevlyt]

I think people are being deliberately obtuse on this thread OP.


I agree that a lot of the posters are being this way because they are probably or possibly the exact flaky people I'm referring to within their own friendship groups.

[Plumbear2]

@lovevlyt

I think people are being deliberately obtuse on this thread OP.

I agree that a lot of the posters are being this way because they are probably or possibly the exact flaky people I'm referring to within their own friendship groups.

No we just understand the reality of raising young kids.

[Brieminewine]

@lovevlyt

I think people are being deliberately obtuse on this thread OP.

I agree that a lot of the posters are being this way because they are probably or possibly the exact flaky people I'm referring to within their own friendship groups.

I think it’s because the majority of posters aren’t that self obsessed and self entitled to think that no one should ever cancel plans with them 🤷🏼‍♀️

[lovevlyt]

@Brieminewine when did I say people should never cancel? Suggest you read my posts again because you've basically exaggerated them to suit your narrative

[babbaloushka]

I agreed with you in the OP but reading the replies has made me think they might have a reason for not including you. Life with kids is intensely unpredictable and it you're intent on shaming them for unpunctuality or factors outside of their control, I don't blame them. I think some introspection is due, why might they not enjoy your company personally?

[lovevlyt]

I actually think this thread is proof that it is just very difficult to be friends with people if you have kids they don't and vice versa.

Either that or posters just haven't read anything I have said properly,

If you cancel occasionally for good reason - fine.

If you're cancelling frequently because you 'don't feel like it last minute' not fine.

[Plumbear2]

OP you have put a limit on how many times people can cancel before it becomes unacceptable to you. That's not how it works with young kids. One minute everything fine the next they can have a temp, have a poonarmi, have an accident. If you want to meet up with friends with young kids you do need to accept that things often do change at very short notice.

[lovevlyt]

@Plumbear2 all the time? Patience wears thin I'm only human

[Plumbear2]

[quote lovevlyt]@Plumbear2 all the time? Patience wears thin I'm only human [/quote]
Parents patience also wears thin when so called friends show no understanding and make demands.

[lovevlyt]

Also don't most people have a limit? Would you really be friend with sale one who cancelled on you say 20 times in a row - for random reasons? Wouldn't you start to doubt them?

[SnuggyBuggy]

If you're cancelling frequently because you 'don't feel like it last minute' not fine.

I think this is the bit people are struggling with.

[Plumbear2]

@lovevlyt

Also don't most people have a limit? Would you really be friend with sale one who cancelled on you say 20 times in a row - for random reasons? Wouldn't you start to doubt them?

I'm a parent so completely understand random and unpredictable things with kids. Mum's meeting other mums with kids are highly unlikely to make you a priority OP. We understand why someone drops out last minute with kids so it works. You putting demands in place dosent work.

[notacooldad]

I recently asked about how you make friends but you haven't said.
Do you have nonlong term friends.
What about becoming acquainted with people who haven't children but who you ha e mutual interests with and see if a friendship develops.

[bunglebee]

I actually think this thread is proof that it is just very difficult to be friends with people if you have kids they don't and vice versa

It's not easy. It takes tolerance and flexibility. And I think people without kids ultimately need to cultivate other friends in the same situation for the baby and toddler years where their friends are bogged down and don't have the bandwidth for the kind of friendship they had pre-kids.

I have one childfree (male) friend who was always willing to have a country walk and cafe breakfast with me and my DC. He played chasing games with my toddlers and let them filch food from his plate, he was understanding when we needed an emergency toilet or to go home early or I had to cancel because they had a temperature. I also made time for, and hugely enjoyed, our adult art exhibition and dinner trips. Now that I'm coming out of the soulsucking preschool years and have more time to do grown up things with him, we're closer than ever. I also have other childfree friends who just don't particularly like spending time with children. That's fine with me, and I see them sans DC, but it does mean I see and talk to them less and they do have to understand that sometimes I have to cancel because I've been up half the night with a teething toddler.

[GinaJaffacake]

@lovevlyt, are they meeting during the day through the week when you’re at work? You asked earlier how difficult would it be to do it at the weekend but it’s a sort of unwritten NCT/SAHP rule that you meet through the week but weekends are always family time. Meeting is also sporadic or cancelled altogether at Christmas/Easter and over the summer.
Secondly, I’m afraid you do become a bit flakier with young kids. Things that were important no longer are. Things take over like a missed nap or a broken sleep or just sheer exhaustion. I spent quite a few years really not having the energy to go out much at all especially of an evening and spending Saturday doing very little because DH was there to help fire fight was bliss. Fortunately my good friends all had children at a similar time so we were all in the same boat.
The hard truth is that when you have young children you really don’t/can’t give a fuck about the rather high maintenance feelings of a child free friend. I appreciate that sounds awful and it probably is, but it’s also sadly true.

[Jeds55]

Totally agree with you about flakiness / constant lateness - it's rude and suggests that they value their time far above yours. As you've said life happens so to be expected on occasion but some people are just flaky.
Re the friends thing I do think that possibly they don't invite you to kid stuff as they think you wouldn't be interested but I would invite a friend regardless, up to you to say yes or no

[Incognitool]

@lovevlyt

I think people are being deliberately obtuse on this thread OP.

I agree that a lot of the posters are being this way because they are probably or possibly the exact flaky people I'm referring to within their own friendship groups.

Honestly, OP, are you also this self-righteous and so insistent you are the only one who is behaving correctly in your RL interactions? Because I really doubt it's attractive to most people to be around someone who is this hellbent on being wronged by any form of social interaction that contravenes her code of good behaviour.

I think the children/no children thing is quite possibly a total red herring in your scenario -- I've certainly never had any issues maintaining friendships when all my friends had children and I didn't. If you continually insist that other people are always in the wrong and are so insistent on seeing yourself as the permanent victim of other people's bad behaviour, is it really that unlikely that people let you drift out of their lives?

[IbrahimaRedTwo]

I actually think this thread is proof that it is just very difficult to be friends with people if you have kids they don't and vice versa

It isn't, because it isn't difficult at all. Unless the people are difficult about it like OP, and then why would you want to be friends with them. I have kids. Some of my friends do and some don't, and its never been an issue at all. I can't even imagine why it would be. Seems to me like people go out of their way to make things awkward.

[Juliettbravo]

I feel for you OP. Some unnecessarily harsh comments. Talk about kicking someone when they are down.
I do agree that you can't control other people's friendships. If they want to meet up with their kids, so be it.
That's ultimately up to them and they don't have to explain it to anyone. However it is somewhat thoughtless if you all customarily met up together and suddenly you don't with no explanation why. I think it would be natural to feel resentful and wonder why you'd been excluded. Add to this that they are cancelling at the last minute or not instigating meet ups with you, I think that would irritate anyone.
Agree that it is difficult with little ones, they do become ill or over tired and plans have to be cancelled last minute. I suppose it depends if they apologise sincerely or just flippantly make excuses, the latter could make you feel very much taken for granted.
I think it depends on how close your relationship is with them. If it's worth it, maybe you need to lightheartedly mention how you are feeling. There seem to be quite a few separate issues, work out which one is causing you the most pain and tackle it. In my experience some people are just naturally a bit more self scented. I had a friend who I met up with every monday for a coffee and then a trip to a soft play area.
My turn to text her that week and no answer all morning. It transpired she gone out for the day with her brother to a zoo and didn't even let me know so I could arrange something else. Ok so that's her perrogative but also a bit rude in that she didn't tell me. I know now what's she's like after all these years and just don't get too invested so her loss.
One thing I'd like to ask (and you don't have to answer) is have you deliberately decided not to have children ? If not they may feel very uncomfortable about asking you along with their kids.

[hellokitme]

@Juliettbravo Thank you, I also feel some of the posters have been harsh but I posted I guess so appreciate the comments good and bad.

I haven't told them I don't want kids no.

[PurpleDaisies]

Name change fail?