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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH swore at me for waking him up. Was I unreasonable?

208 replies

Dazzband · 18/04/2021 11:33

DH wakes up at 5.30 am everyday to go to work. He did some overtime on Saturday. He fell asleep on the sofa last night - I woke him up at 10 am to help me with our 2 DDs. He went mad
and said I was selfish for waking him up. Was I in the wrong?

OP posts:
Michellelovesizzy · 19/04/2021 17:43

I think me and my partner have very clear rolls in r house he works 15 hour days and I look after the kids and the house it works 4 us.... he helps me I bit at the min coz I am preg and he used to look after DD on a sat coz I work that 1 day. So would always leave him to sleep but that’s just us

Michellelovesizzy · 19/04/2021 17:48

Do agree with others no need 4 the swearing

GrolliffetheDragon · 19/04/2021 18:25

From what you've said YANBU.

Sometimes chores can't be put off any longer and need to be done.

LoverOfAllThingsPurple · 19/04/2021 18:28

@Dazzband

DH wakes up at 5.30 am everyday to go to work. He did some overtime on Saturday. He fell asleep on the sofa last night - I woke him up at 10 am to help me with our 2 DDs. He went mad and said I was selfish for waking him up. Was I in the wrong?
My husband works alternate earlies that are 5.30am starts, and he’s up at 4am to leave at 4.45. 10am is a massive lie in for Anyone who is up at that hour, I think your husband needs to calm down. If you woke him up at like 7am instead, then I’d be on his side. YANBU
Couchbettato · 19/04/2021 18:54

Wow the amount of internalised misogyny on this thread.

No OP you weren't being unreasonable.

Anits52 · 19/04/2021 19:11

Yanbu at all and my DH agrees!!! My DH says he needs to man up and deal with it. We have 2 at 10 and 6 and DH has always been hands on. He also says your DH needs to be helping with chores if you are both working.

Baileysmum220118 · 19/04/2021 19:15

[quote Dazzband]@pinkiocelot amazes me how judgemental people can be[/quote]
In fairness you asked this question in the AIBU section of Mumsnet, what did you expect 😂😂😂

@Dazzband

HeckyPeck · 19/04/2021 19:36

The way I see it, OP wouldn't have had a lie in at all this week as she would have been up with the kids as soon as they woke up every day as he was either working or sleeping on the sofa.

So he's taking the piss to want to have a massive lie in, when you don't get one at all.

expatinspain · 19/04/2021 20:45

This thread is so weird. If someone gets up at 5:30am, but finishes around 15:30, then they can get off to bed early throughout the working week and get the sleep they need, surely? You adjust your sleeping hours and that's it. At the weekend you get up and get on with family life. You don't need to go to bed at 1:30am when you're already tired from a long week.

OP has a baby, who I'm assuming keeps her up and fully occupied, and seems to be doing the chores, so where are her lie-ins and down time? Another child to care for too. I think I've teleported back to the 1950's or something, judging by some of the responses on here.

expatinspain · 19/04/2021 20:52

OP mentioned that she works too (probably part-time, but still), as well as doing the chores and taking care of the kids, so I don't get the responses on here.

OP you need to lay out what you do and what he does, because people are just assuming you are swanning around doing sweet FA, while the 'poor man' is working his fingers to the bone and living in a state of sleep deprivation. With the hours you've said he does, he has ample time to get the sleep he needs. If he chooses to stay up late and make himself knackered, then I have zero sympathy.

My dad worked for the Royal Mail and spent years getting up as early as 3:30am. He did what any normal person would do and was in bed by 20:00 and adjusted his sleep pattern accordingly. He never, ever, slept all morning on his days off.

CovidSmart · 19/04/2021 21:06

Going to work for 2 hours with a 1h30 commute each way is just stupid.

Going to bed at 1.30am when you are up at 5.30am doesn’t make sense

Having a lie in on the sofa in a house with a 1yo is stupid again. Expecting a lie in because you went to bed late is an indulgence and the high of (male) privilege.

Basically if he was that tired, he should have been in bed at 9.00pm and refuse the crazy shift (that may well have costed him money anyway)

Beline4u · 19/04/2021 21:33

It's the way he spoke to you! He shouldn't have that right to be ignorant or rude. It's not difficult to communicate. If he was tired- go to bed.
If he is at home he can't just clock out and become aggressive because you need his support. I would not have been apologising..

NinaNina83 · 19/04/2021 21:37

It's a hard one. He was tired, you really needed the help. Having young kids is super hard and couples need to work together and not against each other. It's only fair if you get those lie ins too. Do you OP?

Bearnecessity · 19/04/2021 22:19

Agree with pp and also was this a one off when he was just tired or does he do it all the time? I haven't read the whole thread...

winniestone37 · 19/04/2021 22:57

Hard to say as I don’t know the dynamics of the relationship but from the hat you e written sounds like you were being a bit over the top. You could have handled to kids for mother hour or so. Both of you probably need to be kinder to one another 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Dazzband · 19/04/2021 22:58

No I never get to have a lie in as I'm up with the kids every morning.
I work part time, which are 2 days 13.30-21.30 and then a shift over the weekend. So DH will do child care those 2 days in the evening after he collects them from his Mother.

OP posts:
winniestone37 · 19/04/2021 22:58

Plus if you wake me up from a deep sleep I’ll probably sear at you too. The posts berating him for that need to get a grip.

Carbara · 20/04/2021 00:09

You posted a thread asking people to judge you and are whining that has happened? 🥴
Your boyfriend has a loonnggg commute and wakes up for work really early, he should get sleep. You both chose to have several kids, so no surprise that your lives are tiring. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Carbara · 20/04/2021 00:09

(Husband)

Memedru · 20/04/2021 00:20

@MissyB1

Dear me how precious some people are about sleep! My dh is a hospital Doctor, lack of sleep is a normal part of his life. He’s always helped with our kids, he did night feeds, getting up early etc regardless of how many hours he had put in that week. His opinion has always been that you don’t get to be “off duty” with kids.

Anyway can’t bear anyone swearing at their partner especially over something so trivial. It’s an aggressive behaviour in my book, I wouldn’t tolerate it. He would be getting a very sharp clear warning from me.

I work on a busy hospital ward, doctors may be in work long hours, doesnt mean they are working long hours!
CombatBarbie · 20/04/2021 00:28

It's not childcare OP, it's parenting that he does when you are at work.

Out of interest what time do the kids normally wake seeing's as you are primary carer.... And what day is your lie in??? I think posters may realise both parents are awake for same amount of time so it's totally unreasonable that he gets to lie in til gone 10 when jobs need doing.

angelfacecuti75 · 20/04/2021 01:48

I think one day wouldn't hurt o(f a lie in ) but he shouldn't have sworn at you.

Happinesscomesfromwithin · 20/04/2021 02:05

I agree with pp if you woke me up from a deep sleep after already waking me up an hour prior telling me to go upstairs to bed and then one hour later you are frantically waking me up I would be very pissed off.

Whitegrapewine · 20/04/2021 07:15

He gets home at 3.30, when does he usually collect the children? And what time does he take over from you with the children on the days you don't work? I suspect the answer will be that he doesn't.

expatinspain · 20/04/2021 07:25

With the information you've given since, you're not unreasonable at all, as I suspected. He is.