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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH swore at me for waking him up. Was I unreasonable?

208 replies

Dazzband · 18/04/2021 11:33

DH wakes up at 5.30 am everyday to go to work. He did some overtime on Saturday. He fell asleep on the sofa last night - I woke him up at 10 am to help me with our 2 DDs. He went mad
and said I was selfish for waking him up. Was I in the wrong?

OP posts:
BeHappyAndSmile · 18/04/2021 13:02

Jesus Christ it's like some people on here have forgotten what having a baby is like 🤦‍♀️. When does op get a lie in until 10.30? And presumably because he "works so hard" if the baby wakes in the night it will be op sorting them out, and then getting up in the morning with them. I've got a 6 month old, do the nights all week and then we each get a lie in on the weekend. That lie in is until 8.30 latest. And as for the comments about her sounding lazy?! What the actual fuck, you have no idea if she's is lazy or works her arse off. NOTHING in the post hints at her being lazy, a lot of things hint at him being lazy though.

BeHappyAndSmile · 18/04/2021 13:03

@PinkiOcelot

Amazes me on MN the people who can’t look after their own kids in their own.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the kids have two parents. Why should only one have to look after them on their own?
Original poster
Dazzband · 18/04/2021 13:04

@pinkiocelot amazes me how judgemental people can be

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 18/04/2021 13:04

When do you get a lie in OP?
You have a paid job too. YANBU.

Honestly, sometimes MN seems like a parallel universe to the one that I live in.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 18/04/2021 13:05

If he'd been up since 5.30am and was that tired, he should have gone to bed earlier, not stayed up til gone one in the morning Hmm

He's grumpy because he stayed up too late and fell asleep on the sofa instead of going to bed at a sensible time. That's his own fault!

Maggiesfarm · 18/04/2021 13:05

@Dazzband

Just to add he work up on Sat morning at 5.30am. Back home by Midday. I then went to work for my late shift. when I got home we watched TV together and I went to bed. He said he went to sleep at 1.30am. His point is, is that he has woken up at 5.30 6 days in a row and therefore deserves a lie in.
Yes he did need a lie in and the fact that you woke him from being asleep on the sofa at 9am, telling him to go to bed (not unreasonable), but then woke him again at 10.30 is a bit much. Disturbed sleep is awful which is probably why he had a go.

I doubt your chores were anything that couldn't have waited.

You both seem to work quite hard and need to be considerate of each other.

I hope all is well now.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 18/04/2021 13:06

So it's his own fault he's tired because he stayed up till 1.30am watching TV Yeah?Yeah tough shit for him then.

Maltesercake · 18/04/2021 13:06

Do you get lie ins or do you get up early every day as well to look after your toddler? Does he sometimes look after both your children by himself for decent stretches of time, while also getting stuff done? Does he do a fair share of the night wakings? Do you work? Do you have equal leisure time/time away from children? How urgent were the chores?

Not things to answer, but things for you to think about whether you think it’s fair.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 18/04/2021 13:06

Plus 1.30am till 9am or 10.30am is plenty of sleep.

thedancingbear · 18/04/2021 13:07

[quote BrumBoo]@Dazzband actually, I think it would be helpful to get a bigger picture here. What amount of hours does he work? If he's up at 5.30am, when does he leave? When is he usually home? Does he help with the children during the week at all?

What time in the morning do you get up and do you get a lie-in? Who does any night waking?

To be perfectly honest, getting up at 5.30am every day is quite early but not shockingly early in my mind. Adding 5 hours on top of that at the end of the week is utterly excessive unless he only gets under 7 hours a night sleep due to his work patterns.[/quote]
I tend to agree. There's clearly not enough information to declare him a wanker atm, as we know he works his arse off for his family, working the last six days straight and getting up before dawn each time.

So, you're going to have to give us something else to go on, OP. Does he watch porn?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 18/04/2021 13:14

@PinkiOcelot

Amazes me on MN the people who can’t look after their own kids in their own.
Totally agree with this.
Quartz2208 · 18/04/2021 13:19

But it also amazes me that people with children decide that rather than going to sleep in bed at a reasonable time (11/midnight) to fall asleep on the sofa.

MN does seem to also have an obsession with lie ins for adults like teenagers. Apart from when we have jetlag I dont think either me or DH has slept in past 9am - it totally ruins sleep patterns.

The only thing that I think stands out is an 1hr 45 min commute each way which is a really long commute to have (his actual work hours seem under 7 hours a day

PatrickBatemann · 18/04/2021 13:24

@ZooKeeper19

No matter if he had done 48 hours straight. Swearing at your OH is abuse. Full stop. I cannot believe some poeple thing YABU. No, *@Dazzband* you are NOT being unreasonable. Swearing is never ok.
How ridiculous 🤣
thedancingbear · 18/04/2021 13:25

@Quartz2208

But it also amazes me that people with children decide that rather than going to sleep in bed at a reasonable time (11/midnight) to fall asleep on the sofa.

MN does seem to also have an obsession with lie ins for adults like teenagers. Apart from when we have jetlag I dont think either me or DH has slept in past 9am - it totally ruins sleep patterns.

The only thing that I think stands out is an 1hr 45 min commute each way which is a really long commute to have (his actual work hours seem under 7 hours a day

Everyone is different, but I would need to be literally at the point of nervous exhaustion before I crashed out on a sofa for 10 hours.

I think the main issue is her DH's well being. His current working and sleeping pattern sounds seriously unhealthy.

Quartz2208 · 18/04/2021 13:27

Dancingbear - its the commute though that makes it that way 3.5 hours commute in a day it bit that makes it all unhealthy. He would have spent more time commuting than working the day before

thedancingbear · 18/04/2021 13:30

How come you live 2 hours away from your DH's workplace, OP?? How did that come about?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 18/04/2021 13:30

Apart from when we have jetlag I dont think either me or DH has slept in past 9am - it totally ruins sleep patterns.

9am is never a lie-in in my opinion, kids or no kids.

sloanerangerpandora · 18/04/2021 13:37

He sounds like a vile pig.I would leave him.

holidaywithteens · 18/04/2021 13:40

Depends on whether you ever get a lie in. Presumably you wake quite early all week with a teething 1 year old. If you normally split weekends but didn't as he was doing overtime that would be different. Although swearing at you is never ok.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 18/04/2021 13:41

MN does seem to also have an obsession with lie ins for adults like teenagers. Apart from when we have jetlag I dont think either me or DH has slept in past 9am - it totally ruins sleep patterns.

But that depends on your lifestyle and shift pattern, surely?

I don't get up until 8.30am-9am for work most days anyway so for me, a lie-in would probably be 11am.

LizB62A · 18/04/2021 13:45

He works Mon to Fri, and travels about 1hr 45 mins each way. He starts at 8am and finishes at 3.30pm most days. Yesterday he worked 8am to 10.30am, so went in for 2hrs.

He travelled for 3.5hrs in total to do 2hrs work?!

I think it's reasonable to wake him up to get him to move out of the main living area once the children are up but maybe you need to discuss what is reasonable in his eyes in terms of when he should get up at weekends.
And then have the same discussion about when you get a lie-in. Looking after clingy youngsters can be exhausting when you never get a break....

mrfrostywasadick · 18/04/2021 13:48

Did you get a lie in op?

MangosteenSoda · 18/04/2021 13:52

He stayed up late and had 10hrs sleep. Sounds like the OP doesn’t get lie-ins. I’d definitely be annoyed by his swearing and by his general attitude in this case.

Pebbledashery · 18/04/2021 13:56

Absolutely shouldn't have sworn at you. But I'm sure he was utterly exhausted and you couldn't begrudge a lay in.
I'm a single parent and my daughter clings onto me and follows me around everywhere, I just get on with it.

Quartz2208 · 18/04/2021 13:56

@sunflowersandbuttercups

MN does seem to also have an obsession with lie ins for adults like teenagers. Apart from when we have jetlag I dont think either me or DH has slept in past 9am - it totally ruins sleep patterns.

But that depends on your lifestyle and shift pattern, surely?

I don't get up until 8.30am-9am for work most days anyway so for me, a lie-in would probably be 11am.

www.sleepstation.org.uk/articles/sleep-science/weekend-lie-ins/

www.newscientist.com/article/2133761-late-nights-and-lie-ins-at-the-weekend-are-bad-for-your-health/

A consistent sleep pattern is good sleep health. Whatever the OP husband was going wasnt good sleep health and he likely woke up feeling groggy and irritable because of how and when he went to sleep.

Also as I have said caused by what the OP says is a huge commute