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Original poster

Childfree debate - extreme

347 replies

ED81 · 18/04/2021 08:23

Might not be the correct section for this....

So my husband and I have spoken and spoken. My mood has been in my boots about my indecision about having children or not. I’ve been very tearful and it’s consumed me over the last 2 months - mainly due to being 40 very soon. I’ve asked him to make the final choice.

He thinks we should be childfree.
My level of indecision was too much and was making me ill. This without doubt has been the hardest debate I’ve had.

I am maternal but that can come in different shapes and forms. Having a child for old age isn’t good enough. Or incase I regret not doing it. We’d not cope with additional needs and that is so unpredictable and a gamble. Obviously lots of screening can happen in pregnancy but not for all conditions such as autism which obviously is a spectrum but can be extreme. My husband is late 40s so apparently the risk increases.

There is no particular reason why we couldn’t have kids. We have good jobs, a nice house and a disposable income but that desire just isn’t there. My husband had said he would if I had wanted but that he has no ambition to be a father. I love and respect him so much for being honest with me. And for potentially doing something that I wanted when he wasn’t keen!

Has anyone else struggled with this choice as much?! I feel a bit mad that it been so difficult at my end.

But looks like we will be childfree. And you know what? We’ll be ok. Smile

OP posts:
PinkCookie11 · 18/04/2021 08:27

Children aren’t for everyone.
It’s a massive decision to make and come to terms with but once you feel at peace you’ll be absolutely fine.
You’ll have a lot of freedom, money, holidays even down to your house!
Your husband has been so honest with you and I think that’s abit rare and lovely.
I wish you both nothing but happiness! Go live yours lives 😊

DarceyDashwood · 18/04/2021 08:32

Honestly the only reason to have a child is because you WANT one - your lives and mental outlook are so changed forever and it can be hard to deal with the loss of freedom and huge responsibility etc - I think something even more so if you’re older as you’ve had so much time to yourselves (we were late 30s when we had our son). You have to really want it! If you are happy with your decision that is absolutely fine and you don’t have to justify it to anyone. Go and have a lovely life with your husband and enjoy it!

TreeDice · 18/04/2021 08:33

I'm sorry this has been such a rollercoaster for you.

Agree with PP, kids aren't mandatory. As a fellow child free woman who has wobble sometimes, I remind myself that the fact that the desire isn't there for me is reason enough. I'd rather regret not having kids than regret having them as that brings a lot of emotional baggage in the mix.

Good luck!

araiwa · 18/04/2021 08:34

He's told you his choice

ivfbeenbusy · 18/04/2021 08:36

At nearly 40 the decision will be largely out of your hands in a few years. Whilst lots of women do get pregnant naturally in their 40s it's the exception rather than the norm

I'm not sure asking your husband to make the decision is a wise one. Men don't experience maternal longing to have a child the same way a woman does. More men than women would say they aren't that bothered about being a parent. Most men I know were indifferent about being fathers until their partners/wives got pregnant and they actually had kids.

Are you asking him to make the decision to assuage your potential future feelings of regret - so you can say - well it was him who made the final decision for you?

If you don't want children then own the decision yourself - that's the only way you'll be at peace

And also consider whether you love your husband enough for him to be the only family you'll have?

Pleaseaddcaffine · 18/04/2021 08:40

I don't regret mine but I wasn't bothered about having none.
It's not a worse or better life with or without them, it's just different.

Boood · 18/04/2021 09:15

I think the people who agonise over the decision always end up at a “no”, tbh. Because it’s not a decision that stands up to careful analysis- the costs and risks are too great and the benefits unknown. Also, as you get older the more likely it is that you’ve built a life that works for you, and therefore the more you’d be giving up. I don’t know if that resonates with you, but I don’t think you should worry that you’ve arrived at the wrong choice. And of course that’s a stupid thing to say because it is the biggest decision you have to make in life and so of course it’s worrying, particularly when your choice is the one that goes against what we’re told is socially acceptable.
I’m child free by choice, btw, and have very few regrets about that. Certainly not enough to come even close to outweighing the positives about my life.

RampantIvy · 18/04/2021 09:18

It's not a worse or better life with or without them, it's just different.

I totally agree with this.

Allwokedup · 18/04/2021 10:08

It’s more than ok to be child free, but it sounds like you want them and your husband doesn’t. That’s the issue.

thisplaceisweird · 18/04/2021 10:12

Unless you really really really want one, don't. It's a lifelong commitment and full time job. If your hearts aren't 100% in it, it's not fair to bring people into the world.

Get a dog, and I mean that with all seriousness.

MorgeMooney · 18/04/2021 10:43

@thisplaceisweird

Unless you really really really want one, don't. It's a lifelong commitment and full time job. If your hearts aren't 100% in it, it's not fair to bring people into the world.

Get a dog, and I mean that with all seriousness.

I agree with this.

DH and I were very ambivalent about it and decided not to have children, having seen how much hard work it is seeing friends with their children. We don't think we would cope or be good parents.

Original poster
ED81 · 18/04/2021 10:46

Thanks everyone.
Our hearts aren’t totally in it to do it. Regret doing it? Or regret not?
@Allwokedup. Definitely not the issue. I was very ambivalent before I even met him. And he would do it I wanted. Realise that it would be ideal if he was completely onboard but the fact he would is lovely.

I believe you shouldn’t do it if unsure though. It’s lifelong and I’ve seen the pressure it puts people under. I do love the idea of Christmas etc with kids but that’s for 2 weeks of the year! Also not a reason to have kids. We’d all like the nice bits.

OP posts:
JaninaDuszejko · 18/04/2021 10:48

How long had you been together when he told you he didn't want children. And how long before you told him you weren't entirely on board with it? The level of honestly is potentially a bigger issue than children. As PPs have said you can have a good life with or without children.

JaninaDuszejko · 18/04/2021 10:53

I believe you shouldn’t do it if unsure though.

Personally I think those who are thoughtful and have considered the negative impact children will have on their life are more prepared for parenthood than those who think it's all about the instamoments. It shouldn't be an easy decision because it's not an easy choice.

Isthereaduckinthehouse · 18/04/2021 10:55

I think that if you're not 100% committed to it, it would be the wrong decision. Might have been easier to cope with 10 years ago, but at 40+, I wouldn't want to go through trying to conceive, pregnancy, birth, new baby. Stress!
Yes, they become the loves of your lives, but they also take over your lives and your life can never be the same. I am a little resentful of everything that I've given up in having dc. I often wonder how different my life might be had I chosen a different path.

eatsleepread · 18/04/2021 10:57

I love my children so much, but it's so bloody relentless.
Just enjoy your life Smile - it sounds like the right decision has been made.

ivfbeenbusy · 18/04/2021 10:57

To be honest I'm not hearing an emphatic "no I don't want children" from you?

eatsleepread · 18/04/2021 10:58

But if she was anywhere near sure, there wouldn't be that level of inner turmoil about it.

HumunaHey · 18/04/2021 10:59

@ED81

Thanks everyone. Our hearts aren’t totally in it to do it. Regret doing it? Or regret not? *@Allwokedup*. Definitely not the issue. I was very ambivalent before I even met him. And he would do it I wanted. Realise that it would be ideal if he was completely onboard but the fact he would is lovely.

I believe you shouldn’t do it if unsure though. It’s lifelong and I’ve seen the pressure it puts people under. I do love the idea of Christmas etc with kids but that’s for 2 weeks of the year! Also not a reason to have kids. We’d all like the nice bits.

You say "christmas with kids". Would you be satisfied with just the one? At 40, just the one is realistic if you decided ttc.

Your DH has said he thinks you should be childfree. That coupled with your indecision and age would be a deciding factor for me. Draw a line under it and enjoy your childfree life.

Also, don't underestimate the sheer lack of support from a DH who was never keen on having a child in the first place, even if they go along with their partner's desire to have one. You see the fallout mentioned on here all the time.It can ruin relationships.

GreenSlide · 18/04/2021 11:00

You either want them or you don't. If you don't have a burning desire then don't have them.

EL8888 · 18/04/2021 11:06

It's not a worse or better life with or without them, it's just different =yeah l can imagine it’s this. Different is fine. We have fertility issues and there’s a good chance it won’t happen for us after 3 years trying and fertility drugs, IVF etc. I’m trying to think of the nice holidays, vaguely interesting cars (without a back seat covered in crap), a dressing room / gym / craft room etc with the extra space etc etc. Plus more time for fun in our relationship

You sound more pro than ambivalent but l know it’s hard to pick up on subtle nuances a lot of the time on here. Actually finalising decisions can be hard

Oh and ignore the “you’ve never felt love until you have a child”. “You life will be empty and meaningless”. It’s smug and short-sighted at best. Having children is a lifestyle choice and good on you for giving it some proper thought, lots don’t give it enough thought

roastednut · 18/04/2021 11:06

I really feel for you op. I'm on the other thread too from a few weeks ago and can see you've posted on that this morning too - are you wanting more confirmation that you've made the right choice? I hope you get that.

I suppose I was in a similar-ish situation - I was ambivalent and my Dh wanted kids. We tried, went for 2 rounds of ivf and it didn't happen. We're now late 40s and relatively happily childfree. I was upset that ivf didn't work but now I'm on the other side of it all I'm actually relieved as I think, on balance, being a mum probably wasn't for me.

Maybe it's easier for me to live with the decision because we tried and failed? I don't know!

Wishing you all the best and for what it's worth I think you're doing the right thing.

HandfulofDust · 18/04/2021 11:07

The tone of your post makes it sound like you don't really want children but feel a pressure that it's what you should be doing. I love having kids and don't regret it but I wanted them from the start. I'm sure if you had kids you'd probably be good parents but just because you can have kids doesn't mean you should. It's an enourmous amount of work and it isn't compulsory.

An0n0n0n · 18/04/2021 11:11

Enjoy. Raising a child is a slog.

I find myself regularly grumpy because I'm always having to say "be careful, don't do that" and repeating myself a thousand times a day. Kid is lovely but wouldn't do it again.

You'll rarely regret making a person you love but honestly actually parenting sucks a lot of the time. Would rate it a 5/10.

metalkprettyoneday · 18/04/2021 11:11

I was like you. Not sure at all. Partner was late 40’s and wasn’t bothered about being a Dad but said he would if I really wanted to.
Decided to at 38 though I never felt a huge craving to. Our daughter has added so much happiness to life and also expanded my life in other ways too-new people , new work . How about just one? Having just one feels like the lifestyle is in between when I look at families with multiples .