Childfree debate - extreme

[ED81]

Might not be the correct section for this....

So my husband and I have spoken and spoken. My mood has been in my boots about my indecision about having children or not. I’ve been very tearful and it’s consumed me over the last 2 months - mainly due to being 40 very soon. I’ve asked him to make the final choice.

He thinks we should be childfree.
My level of indecision was too much and was making me ill. This without doubt has been the hardest debate I’ve had.

I am maternal but that can come in different shapes and forms. Having a child for old age isn’t good enough. Or incase I regret not doing it. We’d not cope with additional needs and that is so unpredictable and a gamble. Obviously lots of screening can happen in pregnancy but not for all conditions such as autism which obviously is a spectrum but can be extreme. My husband is late 40s so apparently the risk increases.

There is no particular reason why we couldn’t have kids. We have good jobs, a nice house and a disposable income but that desire just isn’t there. My husband had said he would if I had wanted but that he has no ambition to be a father. I love and respect him so much for being honest with me. And for potentially doing something that I wanted when he wasn’t keen!

Has anyone else struggled with this choice as much?! I feel a bit mad that it been so difficult at my end.

But looks like we will be childfree. And you know what? We’ll be ok.

You all make such sense.

Why is this still swirling around my head though. I’m know I’m rambling and it’s probably doesn’t make any sense to most of you. I appreciate that.

I’m am rubbish at making choices though. And all choices! Get a takeaway or not?! I’m even unsure with basic stuff. Silly but true.

My husband just doesn’t want. It’s clear and simple. He’s never had that urge. That desire and I like that he knows his own kind so well.

I on the other hand have been all over the place.
Importantly though.....if I was told I couldn’t have children (biologically) I know that would be ok with me.

So there we go. Clear as mud!!
I woke this morning happy in our decision and now it’s the afternoon I’m all over the place again. This has coincided with hearing children stories from my friends about funny things their kids and done/said and maybe that fear of missing out. And Kate Lawler (big brother contestant from years ago) having a baby at 40 when she said she never wanted. I follow her on Instagram. Again.....silly eh.

Wtf is wrong with me!?

Children are not for everyone. I always thing unless you really definitely want them, don't have them!

Why is this still swirling around my head though.

Because if you have ovaries it's expected and it's been embedded.into us that we are weird if we consider not having them. I sometimes think that "maybe, like the others yeah". Then I watch people walking their hyper kids from a school and it's back to "nah".

@anthurium

A slightly different perspective but I hope it's useful.

I'm a single female who has recently undergone IVF aged 39 and am pregnant. I was married to a man up until age 36 who was ambivalent/undecided about having children since we got together. I now believe retrospectively that my own ambivalence to parenthood during the marriage was somewhat influenced by his attitude and our joint dynamic. As soon as we divorced and I had the head space to think clearly, I realised I wanted to try for a child as soon as was practically possible.

For me, it was the circumstances of that marriage and previous relationships, jobs, housing that prevented me for many years to even allow myself to envisage parenthood. The moment everything fell into place I felt more confident and excited at the prospect of trying. In an ideal world, I would have liked a partner to have been on this journey with me, but I've never met anyone that I liked enough to consider children with after my divorce.

I want the experience of motherhood, I want my own 'adventure' with it, I want that dimension in my life as well as the bonds, memories and the ultimate legacy. For me, a man isn't worth sacrificing this dream for, as the relationship could end at any point, and I'm glad that I'm on this journey now, whatever happens, rather than allowing someone else to take that decision away from me.

If your partner were to leave you, or something untoward were to happen to him, would you regret not having made this decision yourself?

That is such a lovely post to read. You must be so excited! Wow, what a future you have ahead, with your own little baby and no expectations to be dashed by a feckless father! Well done you. I hope you've a lovely healthy pregnancy and birth.

I personally also sense that the OP's apparent ambivalence is simply that she is with a man who doesn't want a baby with her. She wants a baby, he doesn't, so it's easier to tell herself that she is not bothered. I'm not going to patronise her and tell her what she's thinking, but I suspect it is certainly a factor.

Since DH doesn't want a child OP, can you take him out of the equation altogether in your decision making? What I mean is, can you imagine how it will be like in a marriage where he never wanted a child in the first place, and also how it would be like if you ended up divorcing with a young child?

Your head is all over the place OP as it's time to make a final decision. You're dithering.

@anthurium Have you a thread on here where I could follow your story? It sounds so empowered and I'm really interested to follow your journey. I've been a single Mum since the date of conception, so I've a personal interest. My journey was not planned, so I got lost a lot along the way!

Why is this still swirling around my head though. I’m know I’m rambling and it’s probably doesn’t make any sense to most of you.

Maybe because you know you want children but your DH has already made the decision for you and you're in denial? Crying for months, torturing yourself with indecision - this is not a woman who doesn't want kids. This is a woman being pushed into a corner. Age is a factor of course, you left it all very late. The problem now is that this is the final stretch. You need to decide 1) whether not having children is ok or 2) if it's not ok, whether you can forgive your husband for making this decision for you or whether you need to go at it alone.

The plus side of deciding NOT to have a baby:

Freedom!
Career progression
Money
Clean house
Big house
School catchment areas? Who cares!
Cruises, yeah!
Sun holiday? Hell ye
Skiing twice a year. Obviously
Restaurants
Freedom to cook whatever you like
No lego or barbie high heels
No spills, shit, pee, puke
No stress whatsoever
Want to go for a run? No problem! Off you go!
Christmas? Barbados!
Promotion at work? Oh yes, why I do fancy taking on that extra work
Nice sporty fast car - Tick

My husband just doesn’t want. It’s clear and simple.

So having a baby with him is not an option. Is that acceptable to you?

It seems to me that you don't just have to answer the question as to whether you want a baby. You have to answer the question as to whether you are prepared to leave your husband in order to try for a baby with someone else or by other means. You know time is against you. Have you never considered a baby before? If not, it's probably just you coming to accept the finality that you won't ever have a child.

I love reading people's experiences around this. My partner and I are 27 and currently completely undecided about children. I know there's plenty of time left and therefore very little pressure on the decision but we flit backwards and forwards based on the current feeling which I've always felt (in a rather Jane Austen sort of way 'if a woman doesn't immediately say yes she ought to say no directly') means we shouldn't.

I'm worried the reasons I want kids are quite shallow- Christmas, tiny clothes, baby cuddles, because my friends are and actually we'd be terrible at parenting. We frequently take our nieces out and I'm always SO glad when they go home and we can be 'us' again.

I'm worried I'll never be 100% sure of the decision though and like OP will be so scared of regretting it

@Isthereaduckinthehouse

The plus side of deciding NOT to have a baby:

Freedom!
Career progression
Money
Clean house
Big house
School catchment areas? Who cares!
Cruises, yeah!
Sun holiday? Hell ye
Skiing twice a year. Obviously
Restaurants
Freedom to cook whatever you like
No lego or barbie high heels
No spills, shit, pee, puke
No stress whatsoever
Want to go for a run? No problem! Off you go!
Christmas? Barbados!
Promotion at work? Oh yes, why I do fancy taking on that extra work
Nice sporty fast car - Tick

Most of these things are about having a baby/very young children. They don't stay like that forever.

Why can't you have a big house with children?

And you could have spun the part about promotions better. If you really value work/life balance, then who wants to take on that extra work?

Choosing to have/not have children is down to individual choice and personal circumstances/lifestyle. Not some ill thought out, generic list.

This is such a strange take. Why are you dictating the contraception choice of people who choose to be child free? Really strange.

I'm not dictating anything. Just pointing out how many of these men say they never want kids, then expect their female partner to do all the contracepting.

I'm with Graphista, the choice to be childfree should always be from oneself, not a 'partner' or spouse, both of which could leave you at any time.

Doesn't sound like that's the case with the OP, but maybe so. She does have some valid points. I had a child at 37 and he does indeed have SN, there's definitely an increase as we age.

I would walk over hot coals for my daughter and absolutely adore her - obviously l do - but if l hadn't have had her l would still have had a great life - can't miss what you never had.
And to be honest when l couldn't even go to the loo in peace this morning and said tidy your room for the 100th time since yesterday, sometimes l dream of a child free life.

I’d never leave my husband over this. Ever. Our marriage is great. Like I say my ambivalence was there prior to meeting him.

Lol @Isthereaduckinthehouse. Thanks. I like that list! If you don’t me asking, are you childfree?

I also think that it's one of the only major life decisions you can't reverse:

You can move jobs
Move house
Get divorced
Emigrate

I feel that makes the certainty requirements higher. You're implicating another human life

HumunaHey Speaking for myself only which I explained in my post explaining the disadvantages as I have perceived and experienced them. I didn't bother repeating the same caveat when I posted the advantages of being child free.

I hear you OP, it’s hard when society seems to be telling us to do something, but our guts are telling us it isn’t right.
It’s a massive risk, a gamble only worth taking if you really, really want children, with or without additional needs, with or without the financial, emotional, physical toll they will take on you.
It’s not for me, and it sounds like it’s not for you either.
Confratulations on making a good choice

you will be MORE thank ok

@ED81

I’d never leave my husband over this. Ever. Our marriage is great. Like I say my ambivalence was there prior to meeting him.

Lol @Isthereaduckinthehouse. Thanks. I like that list! If you don’t me asking, are you childfree?

I'm an unlikely mother. I've been a single mother throughout, with a long-term relationship with another man thrown in there which made me realise how different the baby stage might have been with a supportive partner alongside.
Your DH has made it clear however that he will not be that.

Singularly the best and worst thing to have ever happened to me. I'm sure that helps.

@ED81

I’d never leave my husband over this. Ever. Our marriage is great. Like I say my ambivalence was there prior to meeting him.

Lol @Isthereaduckinthehouse. Thanks. I like that list! If you don’t me asking, are you childfree?

As long as you're okay with not having kids/no regrets even if he leaves you and has kids with someone else. Because I'm in my 50s and have seen this happen more times than I can count, even with 'great' marriages. It happens.

I haven’t read the full thread but I’m 41 and we are happily child free. I occasionally wonder what life would be like as a parent as I’m surrounded by kids and people that can’t understand our choice, but I’m very content in our life choices to be honest. I have my reasons for not wanting my own children. I don’t believe in having children to avoid a lonely old age ( I don’t believe people choose to have kids for this reason at all but I see it used in discussions about being child free)

You sound a little less confident in parts of your op though.

It’s a very hard decision to make. I was adamant about not having a baby, my husband wanted one. I knew this was a deal breaker from the beginning and I just sort of went along with it. I had absolutely no desire to have a baby and felt very pushed into it.

It took four and a half years for me to finally take the plunge. When I found out I was pregnant I cried for 8 weeks. I couldn’t believe I had gone ahead with it. I was extremely angry at myself and my husband for going ahead with it.

Roll onto 16 weeks and I see my baby on a 3D scan, I fell immediately in love. My son has just turned one and is the absolute love of my life. There is no denying that it is hard work, suffocating and a massively lack of freedom but I bloody love him.

You will get so many people who have been in your position and gone ahead and been infinitely happy but equally, there will people that realise they may well have been happier without. My friend is one of these, although she loves her baby an incredible amount.

And Kate Lawler (big brother contestant from years ago) having a baby at 40 when she said she never wanted. I follow her on Instagram. Again.....silly eh.

And she appears to have really struggled and is still struggling very badly.

Personally don’t think it’s ever 100% when making decisions as often there’s 2 perfectly fine choices. Can you speak to someone neutral as I think your partner is influencing your decision and you need to work through what you want. Some people on here obviously see a lot of negatives in having children but being a mother has been, without doubt, the best thing in my life, and that dwarves all negatives. The thing is it’s about making the right decision for you though as both roads are equally valid and will make different people happy!

I was 40 and 44 when I had my DC. Had all the scans and tests etc. So age is not so much an issue.
I have friends who are childfree and they have happy, fulfilled lives.
My own DM told me that although she was happy without children, strong career path etc, she knew that at 50 she would wonder what her children would have been like. So she made quite a clinical decision.