Childfree debate - extreme

[ED81]

Might not be the correct section for this....

So my husband and I have spoken and spoken. My mood has been in my boots about my indecision about having children or not. I’ve been very tearful and it’s consumed me over the last 2 months - mainly due to being 40 very soon. I’ve asked him to make the final choice.

He thinks we should be childfree.
My level of indecision was too much and was making me ill. This without doubt has been the hardest debate I’ve had.

I am maternal but that can come in different shapes and forms. Having a child for old age isn’t good enough. Or incase I regret not doing it. We’d not cope with additional needs and that is so unpredictable and a gamble. Obviously lots of screening can happen in pregnancy but not for all conditions such as autism which obviously is a spectrum but can be extreme. My husband is late 40s so apparently the risk increases.

There is no particular reason why we couldn’t have kids. We have good jobs, a nice house and a disposable income but that desire just isn’t there. My husband had said he would if I had wanted but that he has no ambition to be a father. I love and respect him so much for being honest with me. And for potentially doing something that I wanted when he wasn’t keen!

Has anyone else struggled with this choice as much?! I feel a bit mad that it been so difficult at my end.

But looks like we will be childfree. And you know what? We’ll be ok.

Honestly In your situation I’d say no.

For pretty much all the reasons already mentioned by pp

One of mine was extremely clingy. She was permanently hanging around my neck. I would wait until she had become comfortable in an environment and give a prayer of thanks when she finally got off my knee so that maybe I could eat something. Now? I would give anything to feel one of those hugs of utter trust in me. To feel those little arms hanging onto me for dear life.
I never lived in the moment or enjoyed much as it happens. I regret not trying to enjoy things now though. I was so serious. The book. Her education. Her nutrition. Blah blah fuck, stress, shit, shit, shit
I think that more confident and relaxed parents might get more enjoyment out of being a parent.

I would also say don't if you're ambivalent. It's bloody hard work and mostly thankless. I knew I always wanted kids and am glad I do but you'll have a more relaxed fun life without them. Don't look back OP you need to have all our fun for us!

I'm the same! I'm 36 and been unsure about kids my whole life, been together with my husband for 13 years and we always said "maybe someday". The last few years I've been analysing every possible pro and con, trying to come to a decision. My husband was no help, as he always said he'd like a baby but it's my decision and he's happy either way. I know he would be an amazing dad though.
I'm a very indecisive person, this whole inner debate has exhausted me. I decided recently that I wouldn't suffer so much with this decision if I didn't want children, which must only mean that I actually do. We are TTC for the first time this month. I disagree with people who say that "you either want it or not".

I think your decision has been made really .Unless you have a burning desire to have DC then its probably the best decision.

Personal opinion, children are a slog and I wouldn’t do it in my 40s and turn my world upside down unless I had always wanted children

It sounds like you've both made the right decision Op and you will be ok. I admit I occasionally imagine what my life would have been without kids. My Dh went along with it all tbh and although he's a great Dad it's been very hard for various unexpected reasons. Fair play to you and your Dh for contemplating the issue properly instead of just trying for kids because that's what most couples do.

@eatyourcake I agree and in similar position to you too.

I actually think there's more likely to be regret from those that HAVENT thought it through and do it because it's just 'what people do'

From people IRL I've met they seem to be the ones that are not taking to it well/struggle with it because I think most of the time they assumed it was easy

The thing about a lot of these men who say 'we' should be childfree is that they never get the snip. If he's serious about never having them then he should walk the walk.

Personally I'd have left him a long time ago and would now, because he can have kids later if he changes his mind. The list of men who do this is legion, even some 'slebs, then they turned around and had a child with a younger woman in record time a few years later.

Something else which is underestimated is the amount of local familial support you might have. Presumably you are both working. Several scenarios often pop up on here where there are no relatives nearby such as Baby too unwell to go to childcare provider. Who takes the time off work? Are you going to take maternity leave and for how long? If you're ill and your husband is at work, who looks after the baby? Ideally you'd have a large cohort of aunts/grandparents/uncles/inlaws/sisters/brothers/nieces to help out. Do NOT think for one second that a 'friend' will help you out. That shit don't happen.

I wish many people would give the same amoumt of thought to having kids, like we child free did to not having kids.

We decided that if we ever want to do something, we would maybe foster.

Which is not in the least to urge you to have a child, @ED81, just to point out that I think there’s no correlation at all between ambivalence or negativity about the idea of having a child, or struggling to decide whether to have one, and your actual experience of having a child, if you decide to. And I certainly don’t think you need to have been picking out baby names since the age of five and cooing over pushchairs to be a good parent.

It’s still a huge gamble if you are not 100% sure about it though.

It is such a big decision and there is no way of knowing what it'll be like. I think it's important to have a support network. Do you have family and good friends? The more people in your lives to love your children, the more joyful it'll be. Because quite frankly it's hard slog and we all need lots of encouragement.

I've always thought, from looking at parenthood, that you need to really, really want it to embark on that relentlessness - it's the one thing you can't undo if you don't like it.

As I've been firmly and happily childfree by choice since the age of 15, endless people have told me I'll regret it.

I don't believe that's true, at 35 I'm even more relieved not to have had any kids, but I did decide very early on that in the unlikely event I did develop feelings of regret around my choice, I would rather regret not having a child than bringing a child into the world and regretting that.

And so far there's no regret. To me it sounds like you've made the right decision.

If you don't strongly want to have one it's absolutely the right decision not to. I quite wanted to be a mum but my pregnancies came with horrendous hyperemesis and my eldest was and continues to be a lot of hard work. There's definitely a lot of joy but man is it hard work! After 8 years I'm beginning to have more good days than bad with them. But if I wasn't sure if I wanted them I would probably resent the hard days even more than I do. That's my honest truth.

So you're 40. How many hours sleep do you both get currently? How do you occupy your time now? How many hours do you both work? Who is the higher earner? Does your DH view his job as being very important? How does he view your job?

Imagine baby is 8 months old. You're now back at work. You are getting approx 5 hours interrupted sleep at night. DH sleeps through the crying plus his job is OH SO IMPORTANT that you're the one sacrifycing sleep. You come home at 6pm picking baby up en route. You cook dinner. You load the dishwasher and clean up. Meanwhile, DH was out for a run. You've been trying to stir your gourmet concoction while trying to soothe baby screaming. DH comes home after an hour and has to go for a shower. You try to settle baby into bed. Then you and DH attempt to eat dinner. You fall into bed exhausted and slowly grow to DESPISE your DH but you have no argument as it was YOUR decision to have a child, not his.

It's not so much a consideration of whether you yourself want a child. It's whether you BOTH want a child. If he's not willing, then do not have child with him.

@CounsellorTroi

Which is not in the least to urge you to have a child, @ED81, just to point out that I think there’s no correlation at all between ambivalence or negativity about the idea of having a child, or struggling to decide whether to have one, and your actual experience of having a child, if you decide to. And I certainly don’t think you need to have been picking out baby names since the age of five and cooing over pushchairs to be a good parent.

It’s still a huge gamble if you are not 100% sure about it though.

My point is that it's no more of a 'gamble' whether you're ambivalent/struggling to make a decision or whether you've been obsessing about having a child since you were still playing with dolls. It's a leap into the unknown either way. It's arguable that being aware of the potential negatives is a better grounding than pure gung-ho enthusiasm.

I'm 38 and childfree.

I sometimes think about what my life would be if we were still living in a world without family planning - presumably I'd have several children by now and be totally knackered, mind body and soul!

Then I look around my quiet, calm flat in relief. I'm free to stay in bed all day, to spend the day eating biscuits and reading a book, enjoy media that wouldn't be child friendly, or go out wherever and wherever I want (lockdown aside).

If this is your choice (and leaving it so late kind of is a choice) don't waste too much time wondering 'what if'. We have to enjoy the here and now. I respect other people have made their choices. For me my freedom is too precious to lose.

‘I’ve asked him to make the final choice.’

It has to be your choice. In 5 years time you could be separated and he could father a child with someone else. You won’t be able to have children. It’s unfair to put the decision onto him.

I agree OP. I personally think unless someone’s feelings about having kids are ‘absolutely, hell yes, I know it’ll have difficult bits but I 100% want them’, then they shouldn’t have any. Thinking it might be nice or you might regret not having them are not strong enough reasons for such a huge and irreversible life change. Swinging between yes and no isn’t a strong enough reason. I think your husband has made the right choice for you both. I’m childfree and staying that way (and I’m single) and I love my life!

Get a dog, and I mean that with all seriousness.

Hmmm. A dog is a smaller commitment than a child. But is still a massive commitment. All pets are massive commitments (particularly dogs), and sometimes unsuitable for people who are out of the house for long stretches or who like to frequently holiday abroad.

I think it's cowardice where men say 'I'm not pushed - If you want one, then fine'. That's basically warning you, ye, we can have a baby, but don't fucking expect me to look after it!

Most people wouldn't consider getting a dog, but would consider 'getting' a baby in exactly the same circumstances! Believe me, a child is about 10 times harder than a dog.

@Rollmopsrule

It sounds like you've both made the right decision Op and you will be ok. I admit I occasionally imagine what my life would have been without kids. My Dh went along with it all tbh and although he's a great Dad it's been very hard for various unexpected reasons. Fair play to you and your Dh for contemplating the issue properly instead of just trying for kids because that's what most couples do.

I honestly cannot get my head around the fact that some couples just try for kids because it’s ‘what people do’. No shade at all you @Rollmopsrule, I’m just pondering in a general sense. It’s huge, a monumental and unchangeable life decision that will literally throw a grenade into a couple’s current life and have permanent consequences. I genuinely don’t understand how people blindly start trying for kids without discussing it and thinking it through! I know people do, but it baffles me. In general people put more thought into getting a pet!

We get a good friend with kids visiting from time to time and every time they are here my ovaries do "nope, nope, nopity, nope". The kids area lovely and polite and smart but omg when they get tired and whiny? And the non stop "step away from this" "don't jump there you will fall and get hurt" "stop whining, and you give him the ball back".
It's constant😱 Even on well behaved kids.

Plus, the washing, the cleaning, the noise, the lack of space, the having to share everything, lack if sleep. I mean, just read some threads on MN🙈

I think the wobble might be that you panic because it's expected, rather than you genuinely WANTING a kid.