Childfree debate - extreme

[ED81]

Might not be the correct section for this....

So my husband and I have spoken and spoken. My mood has been in my boots about my indecision about having children or not. I’ve been very tearful and it’s consumed me over the last 2 months - mainly due to being 40 very soon. I’ve asked him to make the final choice.

He thinks we should be childfree.
My level of indecision was too much and was making me ill. This without doubt has been the hardest debate I’ve had.

I am maternal but that can come in different shapes and forms. Having a child for old age isn’t good enough. Or incase I regret not doing it. We’d not cope with additional needs and that is so unpredictable and a gamble. Obviously lots of screening can happen in pregnancy but not for all conditions such as autism which obviously is a spectrum but can be extreme. My husband is late 40s so apparently the risk increases.

There is no particular reason why we couldn’t have kids. We have good jobs, a nice house and a disposable income but that desire just isn’t there. My husband had said he would if I had wanted but that he has no ambition to be a father. I love and respect him so much for being honest with me. And for potentially doing something that I wanted when he wasn’t keen!

Has anyone else struggled with this choice as much?! I feel a bit mad that it been so difficult at my end.

But looks like we will be childfree. And you know what? We’ll be ok.

I'm a mum, and I think you are making the right decision. I've wanted children since an early age, and chose my husband and my job in line with this. I can't imagine how hard it would be to bring up children without feeling that it was what you were put on the planet to do. The world needs us all to make different choices, there are loads of other worthwhile things to do with your life.

We struggled with the decision and came to a different conclusion. We have DC and while I can't imagine my life differently now, I also know we would have been fine (even great) if we hadn't or couldn't have children.

Not having your own children doesn't mean you have to have a child free life though. You can be a significant and positive adult influence in children's lives in many ways.

I cherished my "auntie" role before I had my own and have lovely relationships with these children as they have grown older.

Enjoy the resolution of this difficult time and embrace your path.

I'm similar to you OP. The decision has consumed my life for the last couple of years. Deep down I know having kids is not the right choice for me, and I have no desire to, but it's very hard to not conform and hearing parents talking about all the joy and happiness does make me wonder if I'm missing out. It's such a tough one.

My exH and I didn’t have children. We talked about it on a regular basis early in our relationship, and every time we said “in five years time”. Then we came to the conclusion that given we were so ambivalent about it, clearly we didn’t want any, so he had a vasectomy. It was clearly the right decision for us and even now neither of us has any regrets.

You don’t have to have or want children, just because others do.

Personally I would recommend not to.

You don't sound like you're that keen, you're older and are therefore more likely to have DC with additional needs and you say you couldn't cope with that. Something like 1 in 12 children has ADHD, the odds on that aren't great. Your chances of miscarriage are higher too, close to 50%. That can be pretty devastating.

Children without disabilities can be bloody hard work too. Christmas can be really stressful, with present disappointment, overwhelm and the rush getting everything ready.

They're amazing too, but you need to really want them to get you through sometimes!

Oh and I would LOVE a child free friend to be an unofficial "auntie" to my kids.

I had my children when i was very young, my first Grandchild arrived when i was 40, i had to care for her a lot as my DD nearly died having her. I was absolutely shattered caring for a tiny baby, way more than when i had mine. I would never choose to have a baby at 40, i was done in and that was without a pregnancy and giving birth. Being in my 50s now, i can't imagine having to deal with all the drama that comes with being the parent of a teen. I enjoy the fact my children live 200 miles away and i get to spend a great week every 2 months with my Grandchildren without daily childcare duties. I can holiday when i like, have lunch with friends and not worry about school pick up time. Only you can decide what you need OP Hope you feel settled soon

@Doxie8

Having children is not all joy and happiness. I actually cannot stress that enough.
Your life is never your own again. And that can be bloody hard.
Not a dig at you of course, Doxie. Just trying to balance out the more sentimental view that your friends have given you!

Don't do it.

You sound like you have a wonderful life and wonderful husband. As you said, doing it just for old age isn't good enough.

In my opinion, the only reason to have kids is if you have a strong, biological urge and can't see yourself without one. I don't have that urge either and I know I will be a fabulous aunt.

I don't know if it is a social blip in my wider friendship groups but I have just realised I have more childfree friends that with children! (Not including the friends I have met through my children's friendships obviously). But of those that are old school, university, work friends, most have NOT had children. And only 1 or 2 not by choice.

So I really don't see it as unusual to not have children.

OP I have felt like you most of my life. But have started TTC at age 34.

Who knows if it'll work out - only time will tell!

My reason for having them isn't for old age and neither is it because of a strong biological urge.

Really, it's because it seems like it might be a nice addition to our lives, something and someone else to focus on.

We have pretty much done all we set out to do in terms of career, finances, holidays and so think another 50 years of the same could get, well, samey? It'd be nice to put our energy into another human and watching them grow.

Don't know if my reasons are the wrong ones but my honest feelings if it helps.

The one thing which I am looking forward to is becoming a grandmother, should that happen. Nothing is guaranteed however and my dc might be those who hate my involvement! knowing my luck that is guaranteed
If you become a Mum now at 40/41 and your children become parents at the same age, then you'd be 80 before you become a grandparent!

Really, it's because it seems like it might be a nice addition to our lives, something and someone else to focus on.

It's more like that the only thing you're mentally or physically capable of doing anymore is focusing on the very bare minimum of their needs! They take over your mind, your heart, your love, your soul, your sleep, your home, your life. Little fockers.

I think you've left it too late, which is a decision in itself.

@Isthereaduckinthehouse 😂 I kinda don't mind that though - I think? Fed up of thinking about myself all the time, it's draining. I'd rather focus and think about someone else.

@eatsleepread yes absolutely. It's not my friends who have given that impression! It's mostly some of posters on Mumsnet saying that having children completed them, they didn't know what love was before kids, their children are their biggest achievement etc. It's hard to ignore, no matter how sugar coated it is!

@Doxie8 yes but that is definitely BS - the sugar coated crap you see is all, IMO insecurity.

I honestly think it comes from a place of those who have achieved not a lot in life and seem to think giving birth gives them the accomplishment they desired.

I say this because, let's say I achieve something really special in my career and am very wealthy as a result - would I be telling people how proud I am of myself and how you never know true sense of achievement until you reach a certain place in your career? I wouldn't do it because it's distasteful.

@Allwokedup

It’s more than ok to be child free, but it sounds like you want them and your husband doesn’t. That’s the issue.

Agree with this and I would worry that years ahead, resentment would creep in.

My best friend has a child and her husband always promised her another. She kept everything for the next baby, only for him to change his mind. She is nearly 50 now and resents him and it is clear to see. I would worry this would be the case.

@Mistressinthetulips

I think you've left it too late, which is a decision in itself.

This

Doxie. I have loved. A romantic love and a love for children. They are equally as powerful, equally strong but they are vastly different types of love. One is perhaps conditional whereas the other is unconditional. It's a fierce visceral love, more akin to a desire to protect and an overwhelming sense of responsibility than that which you would normally associate with the word 'love'. Most languages use different terms to refer to maternal love and romantic love. The English language doesn't and I think I was expecting something different to what I got which was fucking shock and terror at the sheer fear of having to be responsible for this tiny defenseless thing They get wings and grow I suppose and then despise you for a few years until they perhaps require you for babysitting.

I have 3 children - all grown up now. One of my daughters has 2 children and loves family life. My son and his fiance definitely want a family too but my other daughter has always maintained that she doesn't want children.

I fully support all their decisions and would never seek to change their minds. I found the early years with them quite relentless and soul destroying and in fact, went back to work (part-time) when my youngest was 5 weeks old. Of course, I love having them in my life now and my adult kids are some of my best friends but it is hard, thankless work a lot of the time and even if you really, really want children it can be a struggle.

If you have children when you don't really want them then I think it has the capacity to make for a very miserable life.

In romantic love, it's equal, or should be.
As a parent, you are in charge! It's bloody scary.

@JaninaDuszejko

I believe you shouldn’t do it if unsure though.

Personally I think those who are thoughtful and have considered the negative impact children will have on their life are more prepared for parenthood than those who think it's all about the instamoments. It shouldn't be an easy decision because it's not an easy choice.

Agreed. I was entirely anti for years, as was DH, then we had a brief period of ambivalence and struggled to make a decision because we both felt no more than mild curiosity and also because it would necessarily change our lives more than average (we were living apart for six months of the year for work, both travelled a lot, so even being in the same place to conceive was going to be a challenge, and home was a tiny one-bed central London flat). We decided to ttc, in the spirit of recognising it might not happen (we were both 39) and being ok with that, and conceived the first month.

The result of that mild curiosity is now nine and fabulous, and parenthood has turned out to be far more interesting than I thought, or than it looks (to me, at least) from the outside. I actually think in some ways having been anti and then ambivalent, and being older, was an excellent preparation, as I didn’t have any warm and fuzzy preconceptions, wasn’t buying the ‘miraculous burst of love’ stuff, and wasn’t fazed when I hated the first few months. And at almost 40, we’d both done huge amounts of financial and professional risk taking, rackety travel, moving countries a lot etc etc, and weren’t in mourning for any of that.

Which is not in the least to urge you to have a child, @ED81, just to point out that I think there’s no correlation at all between ambivalence or negativity about the idea of having a child, or struggling to decide whether to have one, and your actual experience of having a child, if you decide to. And I certainly don’t think you need to have been picking out baby names since the age of five and cooing over pushchairs to be a good parent.

Good luck with the decision. It’s not easy for lots of people.

If a fertility specialist told you now that you were infertile, would you be relieved at having the decision made for you, or sorry? We were both quite sure that if we didn’t conceive naturally within a reasonable short period, we wouldn’t be pursuing IVF or adoption, for instance.

I was ambivalent but thought it was a part of life that I wanted to experience rather than not. As it turned out, I needed ivf so that was another hurdle to get through. It has been a huge shift to make into motherhood, with a lot of personal sacrifice but I feel it’s changed my life in ways I am very satisfied with, on balance.

There is a simple, deep satisfaction that comes after my child has had a good day. After they’ve been out running around with me all day in a park, had a nice tea I’ve cooked in the evening, scrubbed off the dirt and settled down to bed. The satisfaction and contentment is indescribable. It’s not just Christmas and birthdays that are the fun parts. The rhythm of everyday life becomes really pleasurable, if you put the effort in. And there is a LOT of effort. There are tough days, and days where everyone is ill at once. Days when you feel like a failure and days when you’re too tired to cook. Days when all you seem to do is clean up mess and chaos. But it’s satisfying work and all for a greater good - a lifelong bond with another person. For me, it has been worth it.

If your debating it or agonising over it then that’s normally a no.

I wanted children, almost had too, it was never a if but when for me.

Both are fine and no justification is needed for either.

I sometimes fantasise about being child free, just getting up, putting a coat on and walking out the door......must be nice!