Does anyone here neglect themselves in small ways?

[FortunesFave]

Not big ways like not eating for days or never washing...but weird little ways.

I do! And I was trying to work out why...for example. I realised today that I only have about 5 pairs of knickers and they're all full of holes. I have a few fancy lacy ones but they're uncomfortable and only for fun times... no everyday ones that aren't fit for the rag bag.

I mean...I can afford them! So why haven't I got them! I went out and sorted that out today....and I started thinking that when I was growing up, after about 14 or so, my Mum just stopped buying me any clothes.

She did get me a winter coat every year and shoes but nothing else.

Could that be why I habitually forget to get things like these basics?

What about you? Do you neglect anything weird like that?

@SunshineCake why though? Does your poor mental health prevent you from doing so? Why on earth would you want to go out in a top that is three sizes too big for you?

@PinkyDozza

I have a weird thing about using new electrical items which DH sometimes buys me for my birthday. For example he bought me a smoothie maker (which I asked for) and it sat in the box for 2 years before I opened it and now I use it everyday. The same goes for a nice radio (finally opened it after 3 years and it doesn’t work!) and a soda stream (to make sparkling water) again 2 years before I opened it to use it. think I am saving them for best and I’m really worried about them wearing out! I too have a drawer of holey knickers! DH in the other hand has a daily delivery of amazon parcels to meet his every want and need (whim)

This resonated with me. The day I bought a new T-shirt I wore it the next day. That has never happened. I finally realised the reason I don't use or wear things the day, day after or soon after I bought them or were given them, is because I used to go back to the house I lived in after a rare visit to my mother and the "real" children of the house would just take what they wanted. I've been waiting to make sure I get to keep the items. .

Because I'm bigger than primark caters for I struggle to find cheaper clothes. I have three bras that cost £55 and I felt guilty for days buying those. I have 2 or maybe 3 outfits which I got in the sale. Doc Martins which were a Christmas present and a pair of canvas shoes.

I self harm by binge eating, I can't lose the weight to get my breast reconstruction. I wear things until they fall apart.

I'd spend the money on my kids clothes or activities in a heartbeat. My childhood was pretty bad, eldest of 4, neurotypical presenting(suspected autism diagnosed as adult) I was quiet and happy to read books from a charity shop whilst my mother threw money at my siblings to keep them entertained etc.

I've just spent £50 on new pants, socks and some pretty camisoles because of this thread. Been meaning to do it for a while but just never got around to it!

@Nonmaquillee I think the point about setting a bad example to our kids is a good point. Else we might encourage them to put up with crap when they don’t have to as well.

My fear is that it could go beyond not having decent underwear to not eating proper meals to putting up with rubbish people (family, partners etc) who are also no good “but we don’t deserve any better”. And that would be really awful. But you see people all the time on here whose bar is so low for functioning husbands etc - do they put up with crap in all areas of their lives, just say “oh it’s good enough, other people need nice things more than me” all the time?

I love taking care of myself. I was neglected as a child, abused, in and out of foster care. I remember being cold, having wet feet, not having the right clothes for the right seasons. Being hungry. I was smelly and unkempt. I refuse to be that way now, I am warm and have warm feet. I smell nice, I look nice. I’m well moisturised (in fact, in hospital recently, when I had two staff members cleaning my bloody body I was so proud when they told me how soft and lovely my skin is 🤣).

My daughter doesn’t go without and she takes pride in her appearance.

I notice the people who neglect themselves. It’s sad to see.

@CherryPieEyes

Can't relate to any of this whatsoever. I've commented as it's pinged up in 'active' and I opened it in interest

Just seems that so many women are martyring themselves but for what reason? Why always take the bruised fruit for yourself? Why never buy new pants, despite being able to afford it?

It's just martyrdom where there isn't a mental health condition

You are really missing the point and being quite thoughtless and unkind.

It is so not martyrdom at all!

@Nonmaquillee

Methinks there's a bit of competitive martyrdom on this thread: "I wear knickers with holes in!" "Oh but the holes in my socks are even BIGGER!" "I can easily afford it but I couldn't POSSIBLY treat myself to some new pyjamas!"

Yawn.....think about what you're modelling to your daughters and show some self respect. By doing so, you show them how to respect themselves, too. Nobody else is going to show them.

Don't see that at all and no one has said anything remotely like the holes in my pants are much bigger. Have a word with yourself. Why are you being so unpleasant ?

[quote CherryPieEyes]@SunshineCake why though? Does your poor mental health prevent you from doing so? Why on earth would you want to go out in a top that is three sizes too big for you? [/quote]
It isn't that I want to wear a top too big it is the fact that the weight loss is quite a recent thing and I am hoping to losing more. I don't look at myself much so it was a bit of a surprise and also, I had tried for so long to lose weight I'm not sure I can believe it at times. I never considered my clothes would become too big when I started trying to lose weight.

@SunshineCake it really is being a martyr. Putting aside mental health issues and poverty, nobody should be wearing 17 year old bras full of holes or only buying a coat if they can 'share it' with their partner.

Is it some sort of weird badge of pride?

No. It isn't.

[quote Comtesse]@Nonmaquillee I think the point about setting a bad example to our kids is a good point. Else we might encourage them to put up with crap when they don’t have to as well.

My fear is that it could go beyond not having decent underwear to not eating proper meals to putting up with rubbish people (family, partners etc) who are also no good “but we don’t deserve any better”. And that would be really awful. But you see people all the time on here whose bar is so low for functioning husbands etc - do they put up with crap in all areas of their lives, just say “oh it’s good enough, other people need nice things more than me” all the time?[/quote]
Yes - it boils down to modelling self respect. If children grow up seeing their mum "going without" and making sacrifices all the time, how do they understand that she's a person too, with her own needs and desires?

That's how I see it, anyway. You can slavishly allow your life to revolve around your needs until you forget who you are, or, once they are a certain age, you can start to show them that you have your own life, too. Bye kids, I'm off for a run / to the theatre / to my Arabic class / go birdwatching....see you later....whatever....or you can be a grumpy, resentful martyr who twistedly believes that you don't even deserve new underwear every now and then.

Revolve around their needs - sorry

Erm... being ironic. I am not quoting directly. This is how some parts of the thread read, to me.

No, I am not being unpleasant - just honest.

Good thread OP. Another vote for a skincare routine - I have shedloads of products but hardly use any of them! I very rarely do anything like painting my nails, face packs, using my foot spa etc. I have loads of clothes but because I’ve piled on weight, I’m living in leggings. Need to dig out some other stuff & try not to hide away, although I know I need to drastically cut down my wine intake - last time I did that, I slimmed down quite a bit. I never used to bother much with my hair but just had it cut in a mid length bob today so will straighten it & I am booked in for a colour next week. Can’t wait to go red again!

I hear you Sunshine. But now you're breaking those habits. You are worthy of the new top, you deserve it. Wear your old fleece until you buy a new one at target weight. The old, bigger one will always be comfy and baggy, which can be conforming, in the way that I have an Oodie which is huge and is so much more comforting than a fitted one. You do you.

• comforting, not conforming.

CherryPieEyes

Can't relate to any of this whatsoever. I've commented as it's pinged up in 'active' and I opened it in interest

Just seems that so many women are martyring themselves but for what reason? Why always take the bruised fruit for yourself? Why never buy new pants, despite being able to afford it?

It's just martyrdom where there isn't a mental health condition“

Well no, not really. It’s only martyrdom I’d you tell everyone else, surely? Which I don’t (except on her, obvs )

I have been analysing myself today, in light of your comments.

I’ve concluded I’m probably just tight 🤣

@DenisetheMenace ah being tight is a different thing altogether

I tend to. I also wear things till they're begging to be discarded - something about comfort and not wanting to start afresh with new ones.

3 of my main pair of joggers are oversize and fall down if not properly tied up because a) I deliberately bought men's size large when medium would do and b) I lost some weight later, so extra oversize!

I need to get ones that actually fit but again with the comfort thing. One of them is beginning to have a hole in the crotch and that should motivate me to get new ones.

I am with SunshineCake. Anyone who thinks this is martyrdom is overthinking it. I doubt if anyone can see my holey bra and I do scrub up to go out. Yes, I am tight and so is dh. We also don't like waste or buy into conspicuous consumerism. I get perverse pleasure from re-using something that is still usable even if it is not in tip top shape, the way some people seek out bargains even though they can afford full price and more (that's us too).

I think they are under thinking tbh @blueshoes. Or just thinking they are being clever.

I hate waste. Also, some of the clothes that are now too big are my favourites and I came buy them again in smaller sizes as they aren't available. Years ago I got rid of three cardigans and one of them I still wish I had so that plays a part too.

I never valued myself because my parents didn't. They both did plenty to let me know I was worthless. So I put my kids first on top of my own feelings of worthlessness but while the kids still come first to do throw out pants as soon as there is a hole in them whereas before I might wear them a few more times if they were favourites and I have quite a few pairs of shoes that all fit etc etc.

I’m delighted that this thread has kick started a modest purchasing spree in underwear departments across the UK 😁

However, I’ve been thinking about our multitude of reasons why we don’t treat ourselves as well as we should. I know some of it is our upbringing, and some our MH (perhaps connected...) but I also wonder if we feel just rather undervalued by society?

I didn’t work for many years, so felt pretty worthless... which was compounded by STBEX beating me down too. We get paid less, we get promoted less etc etc

Does that resonate with any of you? I just wonder if it’s not a collective undercurrent many of us feel...

(This is for gentle debating, not a giant slide into Feminist Ishoos...)

So many ways. Second hand clothes always. Don't do the things I would really enjoy. Don't celebrate special dates. It's like it's I'm not worth it, it's only me so xyz will do. I can buy expensive things for others but never for me. I can't be seen to be enjoying life as others aren't

@SunshineCake I'm neither under thinking it, over thinking it or trying to be clever.

Merely pointing out how weird and martyr -ish it is to not allow yourself anything half decent or give yourself permission to enjoy life. And some of it sounds like hoarding type issues too

But it's no skin off my nose if you don't want to buy any clothes and can make do with ones from the 70s.