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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to schedule visits on my time off?

214 replies

LegoVsFoot · 15/04/2021 16:40

So annoyed atm!

ExMIL asked to take toddler DC for one weekday per week, which I agreed to.

But now my ex is saying he will see DC on that day as well, not on the weekend like we normally do - which would give me no time off, because I work every weekday. (He doesn't.)

I asked MIL if she could change her day to a weekend but she is out of town every weekend, and she said it's not ex's place to make my life easier by visiting on a day that gives me a break. I said it is up to me to stand up for myself and agree to a day that works for me.

She then said I wasn't the priority, ex seeing DC was the most important thing - and I said yes, but we should both compromise to make that happen - ex doesn't agree to what doesn't suit him, so why am I expected to? There's no reason he can't visit on a weekend, he can do any day as he doesn't work on a schedule.

Now I need to decide what to do - because if I allow the midweek visit with MIL, ex will take that as his day and not visit on a weekend. So my only option is to deny the midweek visit, meaning MIL can't see DC but DH will have to see them on a weekend day - giving me one day off between work and childcare.

So what do you think? AIBU?

OP posts:

georgarina · 18/04/2021 07:36

I am the OP. NC'd initially for privacy.

BlackCatShadow · 18/04/2021 08:05

Ok, thank you for explaining!

I suspect he thinks he can charm the therapist into agreeing with him. Stand firm and stand your ground. You are absolutely not being unreasonable here. He should continue his few hours at the weekend and he should be paying maintenance.

georgarina · 18/04/2021 08:11

@BlackCatShadow Yep I have a suspicion he will just take the floor and talk about his his emotions, and cry and make a scene, and I'll have to sit through an hour of it.

What I'm hoping is that I can just explain the facts because they're on my side.

And if not, go to court. Because I'm not an expert but I doubt they will listen to his emotional arguments and focus on the facts? Either way I won't be manipulated by it x

worriedatthemoment · 18/04/2021 08:24

@BusyLizzie61 how can you knock someone for working 50 hrs without even knowing the circumstances
Maybe she quite likes keeping a roof over her head you know little luxuries like that
The Op could work from home and have flexi hrs so sone of those 50 hrs could be being done whilst her child is in bed , you have no idea
I had school hours when mine were young but I consider myself very lucky to of been able to do that
If your are a dr / surgeon etc you need to keep career going and can't just easily drop hrs or you have a mortgage and need to earn a set amount
The op wants just a couple of hrs on a sat when the dad was having the child that isn't a lot to ask , many dads would be having their child every other weekend and one weekday
Stop blaming the OP who has and provides for her child without knowing all the facts

1940s · 18/04/2021 08:55

I'd stop the midweek visits.
But I'd also feel dreadful that by doing that I was then 'forcing' my child to spend weekends with a parent that really would rather be elsewhere.
I'd forget my own need flr time off and keep my child with me the majority of the time - maybe cutting it down to every other weekend. If he's feeling resentful and looking to not spend time with the child, then I'd be highly suspicious of substandard care

Blanca87 · 18/04/2021 09:35

Fucking hell the internalised misogyny on this thread is breathtaking. Seriously, get a grip women. The op is financially, emotionally providing for her child, and this absolute loser spends as little time with his child as possible. I can’t believe folk are giving the op grief for wanting a break from SINGLE PARENTING one day week whilst letting this roaster of guy off the hook from his parental responsibilities. Unbelievable.

ChaToilLeam · 18/04/2021 09:42

Family therapy sounds like a complete waste of time, though if it can be counted as a mediation step that is something. Stick to your guns, OP. Your ex sounds like a shit dad, doesn’t even pay towards his kids, and the MIL should be ashamed of herself for enabling his behaviour.

FrenchBoule · 18/04/2021 09:44

So the father has quit the regular job and has no money to pay for a child yet still is able to socialise at the weekends with his friends (and the child is somewhat of an inconvenient so it’s foisted on exMIL).

Mother working 50 hrs a week to provide.

OP, you’re no longer in relationship with your ex so not sure why did you agree to family therapy?

Both of them(your ex and his DM) has expressed that neither you nor your child is their priority.

Everything is on their terms and the way they wanted. You put your foot down and they don’t like it.

Tough shit I’d say, I’d let the court decide the access and stop letting them trying to dictate the conditions just to spite you.

I’m really shocked that MIL came up with such idea to cut the weekend contact, surely you’d cherish the relationship with DGC?

I’d say apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree where your ex and his mummy are concerned.

timeisnotaline · 18/04/2021 10:12

@Blanca87

All this, but it’s not one day a week off. He does half a day or a few hours, when he turns up. That’s it. No financial support nothing.

BlackCatShadow · 18/04/2021 10:17

I can’t see how anyone would side with him, but I suspect he will come out saying that it was a scam and she was prejudiced against him or some such thing. As hard as it is, try to put your emotions aside and deal with him factually.

user1471538283 · 18/04/2021 10:20

He does every other weekend for the whole weekend or one weekend day a week. His DM can fit in with him. He should want to parent his child.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/04/2021 11:07

Has he got a new girlfriend? I'd put money on that being why he doesn't want to have his own child at the weekend, he just wants to spend time with the girlfriend.

"Family therapy" - well, if he's game for it, then ok, but if he thinks that he's going to be able to twist the therapist into doing what he wants when it doesn't work so well for everyone, then he's going to be disappointed (hopefully! some of them are suckers for charming men)

MyOtherProfile · 18/04/2021 15:54

Just make sure he doesn't pick the therapist and go for some random who is a mate of a mate or something.

2Rebecca · 18/04/2021 19:33

Agree that the only person you should be negotiating with is your ex. Unless it suits you no negotiate with his family he should be arranging when in the time he has his kids they get to see them.

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