AIBU to schedule visits on my time off?

[LegoVsFoot]

So annoyed atm!

ExMIL asked to take toddler DC for one weekday per week, which I agreed to.

But now my ex is saying he will see DC on that day as well, not on the weekend like we normally do - which would give me no time off, because I work every weekday. (He doesn't.)

I asked MIL if she could change her day to a weekend but she is out of town every weekend, and she said it's not ex's place to make my life easier by visiting on a day that gives me a break. I said it is up to me to stand up for myself and agree to a day that works for me.

She then said I wasn't the priority, ex seeing DC was the most important thing - and I said yes, but we should both compromise to make that happen - ex doesn't agree to what doesn't suit him, so why am I expected to? There's no reason he can't visit on a weekend, he can do any day as he doesn't work on a schedule.

Now I need to decide what to do - because if I allow the midweek visit with MIL, ex will take that as his day and not visit on a weekend. So my only option is to deny the midweek visit, meaning MIL can't see DC but DH will have to see them on a weekend day - giving me one day off between work and childcare.

So what do you think? AIBU?

@Theunamedcat

Its not parental alienation to offer more contact to the family which is what she is doing ex can show up to mil contact of he likes he just has to continue with the weekend contact he wants to get rid of it

Ultimately you cannot force him to parent his child if he insists on no weekends there isn't much you can do but give him the weekday I cant see him going to court for 50/50 because that would stop him seeing his friends

No, it's blackmail. If you don't do x then your mum can't have y! Consequently, the child, whose interests should be at the heart of this and seems to be the mast consideration of both parents, is now losing out because they've refused to be blackmailed.

Dont reinstate midweek visit any time quickly. This guy could easily say let’s say weekends are a go, that pathetic woman will go for it, then mil begs for her weekday with gc back, then I cancel 4 out of 5 weekends, ha serve her right for expecting me to parent! Thinks she wants a break! Only dads get breaks from parenting. And his mum supports him all the way.

So, it's not in his place.to make your life easier....but it's your place to make sure he's able to go out and ay with his mates on a weekend?? Is that what she's saying?? He sounds like a massive manchild and it seems his mum has facilitated this all of his life! stick to your guns. Possibly some mediation between the two of you to see if you can't work out some proper contact arrangements, maybe then he'll see he needs to grow up and you won't be pushed around! Does he pay CM?

@LegoVsFoot
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I think we'll have to go to court to work something out - which she mentioned but not sure if she realises family court will order more than he's been doing, not less.*

A court won't award him more than he is willing to commit to.

A court order will simply state when you have to have the child ready for contact. You've still no guarantee that he will turn up for this! So you'll be stuck having to plan that he has the child but doesn't necessarily turn up. Rather than making a compromise between you.

And as I said before, if he can show that he has better flexibility week days, whilst the child is not at school, many courts award this as contact. Once at school, it may well be different.

But again, do you really want for the next 15 plus years to never have a full weekend with your own child? Honestly, you need to think about this. If you set a weekly visit, and the precedent was set, as the current arrangements are, the court may well go with that precedence.

Best for the children would also mean seeing their father more than one day a week for a few hours lizzie

OP I hope you told your mother in law it's not up to you to provide free weekends to your ex either. Ask her why she's determined to facilitate her son seeing less of his children and does she not believe they deserve a chance to have a relationship with their father?
Tell her you'll be going to court and from there it's up to her to negotiate with your ex what part of his time with the kids she can see them. I'm sure he'll be very generous.

I am not disputing that the father is a bloody poor specimen!

But the same as the op wants a break at the weekend he does too. Do we not see the hypocrisy? Let's all be honest, the op is RP, but working 50 hours a week means she really has very little parenting time Monday to Friday.

Surely, NRP contact in the week is in the child's best interests than none?

Him having the child half a day and his mother a day, which I believe is what's been happening, is still counted as familial contact.

The child maintenance issue needs addressing, if you're not receiving any, then I would advise going to CMS directly. That's unacceptable.

How.old is the child? Surely midweek contact would reduce the childcare bill?

He sounds like a waste of space OP. Sorry you're having to deal with it.

Even if he did work Monday to Friday, which he doesn't, it would still make sense to split the weekend or do EOW. He's not even willing to do a half day. Pathetic, and his mother sounds like a simpering enabling idiot who has raised a man-child that thinks the world revolves around him.

I can't believes she thinks it's okay to father children and only see them half a day a week (with his mother who I imagine will do the majority of the actual work).

Children are human beings, not a part time hobby.

@BusyLizzie61 did you miss the bit where the father wants his contact changed to midweek so that his mother can do the childcare?
As for 'the mother should do everything, and just be grateful the deadbeat dad gave her sperm so she could have a child' shtick! Please!

[quote Tiktaktoe]@BusyLizzie61 did you miss the bit where the father wants his contact changed to midweek so that his mother can do the childcare?
As for 'the mother should do everything, and just be grateful the deadbeat dad gave her sperm so she could have a child' shtick! Please! [/quote]
Many NRPs have other family members involved with their contact time,as this is the NRP's responsibility to facilitate, as has been mentioned throughout this thread, so though I'd hope that he'd want to step-up, it's not that unusual.
If this does get pushed to court, it maybe that the grandmother pushes for them to have the child in the weeks, including overnights and may also set her sights on "more". If she's genuinely the driving force, then I would be wary of how much she's willing to fight for via her son.

[quote BusyLizzie61]@LegoVsFoot
*
I think we'll have to go to court to work something out - which she mentioned but not sure if she realises family court will order more than he's been doing, not less.*

A court won't award him more than he is willing to commit to.

A court order will simply state when you have to have the child ready for contact. You've still no guarantee that he will turn up for this! So you'll be stuck having to plan that he has the child but doesn't necessarily turn up. Rather than making a compromise between you.

And as I said before, if he can show that he has better flexibility week days, whilst the child is not at school, many courts award this as contact. Once at school, it may well be different.

But again, do you really want for the next 15 plus years to never have a full weekend with your own child? Honestly, you need to think about this. If you set a weekly visit, and the precedent was set, as the current arrangements are, the court may well go with that precedence.[/quote]
its true a court wont order more if he doesnt want it , but then what a waste of money and court time of he only wants one poxy day a week ! most nrp want a wee bit more than that . the only reason being stated by his mother is that he needs time at weekends for his friends and to relax so hes going to have to show a bit of a better reason than that as to why its got to be set in stone its a weekday and never a weekend , if he fails to show then at least the op would know where she stands with it .

she would be having full weekends with her child because most family courts want the arrangement as well as being best for the child to be fair to both parents hence why weekend contact is usually alernate with a night or what ever extra in the week .

@BusyLizzie61 so you think that the OP should facilitate the father dropping his contact time?
You did say the contact time is for the child? Shouldn't the OP continue the current arrangement that suits the child best. They get contact time with dad and with grandma. It is the dad that wants to change the arrangement to give him less time. And you think the OP is the problem?

I hope you aren't raising any Girls. I'd hate to see the abusive situations they will end up in of this is your belief. Men before everyone, then children and if the woman isn't being a martyr she's doing it wrong.

Block her.

You have no obligation to her, if she wants a relationship with her sons child, she goes through her son not her ex DIL.

If she had been reasonable it would be different but she is being abusive and manipulative.

@poppycat10

MIL is being unreasonable but so are you. If you and ex were still together you wouldn't get "time off" at weekends, you would have the kids together.

But if I didn't like her I wouldn't be facilitating visits to grandchildren, that's for her son to arrange.

The difference between being a single parent and having someone else there with you is you have the option to do things whilst the other person looks after the child.

Otherwise the only time you are away from your dc is when they are in childcare/school (and the lp is at work). Imagine never ever being able to go for a walk by yourself, never clothes shop by yourself, see a friend, nip out to buy a pint of milk without arranging a babysitter. This is an incredibly tough way to live.

@BusyLizzie61

I am confused as to why you think OP should make all the compromises and work round her ex-partner’s work hours and desired “time with friends” etc, whilst simultaneously stating that her partner does not have to take op’s “chosen” work hours into account, nor her need for some time to herself (and we are talking half a day). That’s hypocrisy.

I.e. it seems you believe the woman must make all the compromises and bend over backwards so the precious man (and his mother) can get things exactly as they want them. If she doesn’t do all this, SHE is the cause of the problem, SHE has “sabotaged the co-parenting relationship” and SHE is selfish. I find this unfathomable- and utterly misogynistic- surely the ex unilaterally deciding to change his contact hours so he can see his friends at the weekend is selfish- Afterall, if OP doesn’t deserve some time to herself then why does her ex-partner need all weekend, every weekend? He’s a parent too. If he does not need to consider the op’s needs and wants at all- “it’s not his responsibility” then why does it become OP’s responsibility to work round her ex-partners demands? Because she’s a woman?

It’s not unreasonable for any parent to need a break, BTW. A burnt out parent isn’t great for a child really. So I’d say standing up for herself is actually in her child’s best interests, actually.

It’s this kind of rubbish- women expected to never need a break because “you are a parent” but men lauded for doing “childcare” for their own children- that needs tackling.

I wouldn’t block her. It would be a shame if your DC lost all contact with his family. Just remain firm, it’s both days or just the weekend.

But the same as the op wants a break at the weekend he does too. Do we not see the hypocrisy?

He already gets one and a half days break at the weekend. Op gets half a day. Where's the hypocrisy?

Blood is thicker than water. Mil is showing who's side she is on. Sadly it isn't your dc's but hers..

I'm also laughing ironically at the whole "It's unfortunate that the op has arranged her 50.work hours over the Monday to Friday, " - unless one is self employed, one generally works the hours the EMPLOYER sets, they don't get free choice as to when they should work! Lovely though that would be, that's fucking ridiculous to say that the OP has arranged those hours.

[quote jacks11]@BusyLizzie61

I am confused as to why you think OP should make all the compromises and work round her ex-partner’s work hours and desired “time with friends” etc, whilst simultaneously stating that her partner does not have to take op’s “chosen” work hours into account, nor her need for some time to herself (and we are talking half a day). That’s hypocrisy.

I.e. it seems you believe the woman must make all the compromises and bend over backwards so the precious man (and his mother) can get things exactly as they want them. If she doesn’t do all this, SHE is the cause of the problem, SHE has “sabotaged the co-parenting relationship” and SHE is selfish. I find this unfathomable- and utterly misogynistic- surely the ex unilaterally deciding to change his contact hours so he can see his friends at the weekend is selfish- Afterall, if OP doesn’t deserve some time to herself then why does her ex-partner need all weekend, every weekend? He’s a parent too. If he does not need to consider the op’s needs and wants at all- “it’s not his responsibility” then why does it become OP’s responsibility to work round her ex-partners demands? Because she’s a woman?

It’s not unreasonable for any parent to need a break, BTW. A burnt out parent isn’t great for a child really. So I’d say standing up for herself is actually in her child’s best interests, actually.

It’s this kind of rubbish- women expected to never need a break because “you are a parent” but men lauded for doing “childcare” for their own children- that needs tackling.[/quote]
Courts frequently award NRPs their contact based around their work schedules etc. If he can show that due to this work arrangements that until school age as a minimum that the week days work best around his work arrangements etc, then it's hard to argue that this would negatively impact on the child. Likewise, as I have mentioned, the op's excessively long working hours, would make many courts state it is preferable to be with family than childcare.

The op has not mentioned the child's age and that's also significant. As once the child is 18 to 24 months, overnights are frequently awarded. And it maybe preferable to then move forward with week day overnights. And that would certainly give the op what she wants in terms of time off from parenting. So perhaps playing the long game for that is better for the child and the op?
I also wonder if the child is quite young and the op has returned to work fairly recently and perhaps needs to reassess whether this gruelling work schedule is in the best interests of the child, her and the family unit.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

I'm also laughing ironically at the whole "It's unfortunate that the op has arranged her 50.work hours over the Monday to Friday, " - unless one is self employed, one generally works the hours the EMPLOYER sets, they don't get free choice as to when they should work! Lovely though that would be, that's fucking ridiculous to say that the OP has arranged those hours.

Just because a vacancy with 50 hours work is available, doesn't mean that you have to take it!

I'm a lone parent and cherry picked my role to meet the needs of my child.

That sort of work commitment as a lone parent is madness imo. And that probably is what needs to be addressed firstly by the op.

@RothRoth

But the same as the op wants a break at the weekend he does too. Do we not see the hypocrisy?

He already gets one and a half days break at the weekend. Op gets half a day. Where's the hypocrisy?

@RothRoth even if he worked Monday to Friday which he doesn’t, didn’t you read he’s still only contemplating parenting for a few hours or half a day at the weekend. So the op would do 80-90% of the weekend, he pull in with his 10-20 and she gets a few hours off. Do you really think this arrangement stops this pathetic specimen of twattery from having a break on the weekend as well as doing a short Disney themed stint of parenting?

@BusyLizzie61
do you see this guy going for overnights? He’s trying to shift his schedule so he has to do ZERO parenting, not have his dc overnight!

Well done for sticking to your guns!

[quote timeisnotaline]@BusyLizzie61
do you see this guy going for overnights? He’s trying to shift his schedule so he has to do ZERO parenting, not have his dc overnight![/quote]
I can see that his mother may push for overnights via her son though.

Jeez Bizzylizzie - are you SERIOUSLY suggesting that this OP should now change her fucking job to accommodate the lazyarsed waste of skin sperm donor? What the fuck is wrong with you?!