AIBU to schedule visits on my time off?

[LegoVsFoot]

So annoyed atm!

ExMIL asked to take toddler DC for one weekday per week, which I agreed to.

But now my ex is saying he will see DC on that day as well, not on the weekend like we normally do - which would give me no time off, because I work every weekday. (He doesn't.)

I asked MIL if she could change her day to a weekend but she is out of town every weekend, and she said it's not ex's place to make my life easier by visiting on a day that gives me a break. I said it is up to me to stand up for myself and agree to a day that works for me.

She then said I wasn't the priority, ex seeing DC was the most important thing - and I said yes, but we should both compromise to make that happen - ex doesn't agree to what doesn't suit him, so why am I expected to? There's no reason he can't visit on a weekend, he can do any day as he doesn't work on a schedule.

Now I need to decide what to do - because if I allow the midweek visit with MIL, ex will take that as his day and not visit on a weekend. So my only option is to deny the midweek visit, meaning MIL can't see DC but DH will have to see them on a weekend day - giving me one day off between work and childcare.

So what do you think? AIBU?

I think the best course is to keep pushing for both days, but ultimately he may just drop out of seeing your DC at all, which would be a real shame. It's a shame his mum isn't more supportive and reasonable about this. She should be pushing him to be a better dad!

Its not parental alienation to offer more contact to the family which is what she is doing ex can show up to mil contact of he likes he just has to continue with the weekend contact he wants to get rid of it

Ultimately you cannot force him to parent his child if he insists on no weekends there isn't much you can do but give him the weekday I cant see him going to court for 50/50 because that would stop him seeing his friends

I don’t think it is parental alienation to expect a dad to care for his child without his mother being there to do it for him. The point of contact is to have a relationship with his child, not watch his mummy do all the work. If you hear anymore from either of them about this, I would word it in this way rather than giving you a break. Of course you need a break. You’ll be a better parent for the break.

It sounds as if his mother doesn’t consider him to be a proper adult. As she considers him a child, children need down time, rather than be expected to have responsibilities.

I think you need to go to court and get it nailed down.
It's not working the other way.
Does he give maintenance or not?

Good for you. What a pair of schemers they are. Glad you said no. They’ll be furious of course but tough. Stick to your guns.

she said it's not ex's place to make my life easier by visiting on a day that gives me a break.
She then said I wasn't the priority, ex seeing DC was the most important thing

Well, MIL, if that is how little you respect and think of me, then you can both take a running jump. It isn't my place to make your lives easier and you aren't my priority.

You can see DC on a weekend, or not at all.

@BusyLizzie61

Contact is not about the RP. It's about the child maintaining a positive relationship with the NRP.

YABVU to expect that the contact is solely timed to "give you a break". You're a parent and as RP this means like millions of others, you don't get these as matter of course. Many working parents have to juggle housework and children after working all week!

If, for whatever reason, he wishes his child to only have 1 day per week contact with either him or his family, that's his choice. However that's up to him to facilitate. But stooping the gm visit is incredible churlish of you.

You can refuse the mil. You can unreasonably say he can only have contact at the weekend because of your needs and because you believe that his diary is more flexible than yours! But if he refuses then you'll have to explain in years to come why you stopped the gp visits and felt justified to consequently reduce the father's contact because you "needed a break".

that is absolute shit your talking , the op is offering weekend contact and normally nrp have full or part weekend contact , , iv been through family court in the past and as long as shes offering contact to him hes not entitled to dictate it has to be in the week so his mother can see the kid as well . my ex had a fri night and full weekend with my dd returning on sun late afternoon on alternating weekends , this was all worked out by court mediation and recommended by caffcass .. its his role as a npc to make the time to see his own child for quality visits no insist on one week day so his mummy can see her at the same time , family court would not be impressed with that and yes they do look at what is best for the child and fairest for both parents ,

in this case a mother working all week with a nrp refusing to have child on weekends is not fair for both and its not really for the child , hes arranging it to suit himself , and no she does not have to explain anything .. she is OFFERING HIM CONTACT hes just being difficult about it . there are a lot of dads out there who have exs refusing contact who,d be jumping at a weekend of contact .. and as to working parents juggling work and children , these are normally couples so they do it together , not one person doing it all on their sodding own

@BusyLizzie61 may well be MIL.

The pathetic waste of space sees his kid for a few hours on a Saturday and wants to reduce that and split the time with his mum so she can do the looking after for him. But OP would be "alienating" him?!

Can you imagine them in court...
Judge: "so why can't you continue the weekend contact?"
Scrotum: "because then she'd get 4 hours off a week and why should she get any time off?... Also, I need time off to see my friends and even though I barely work and it's totally flexible and I don't look after my child any other time, I want the weekend off so I can hang with my friends."

MIL aught to be ashamed of the boy she's raised.

If either of them were remotely bothered about seeing the child over locking horns with the OP over weekends, they’d add the week day as an extra visit. This stupid woman is facilitating her lazy son to duck out of his obligations as a father so she can wipe his arse for him instead. What’s more, she’s mad that the OP doesn’t want to wipe his arse too.
Fuck off the pair of them.

Why is MIL out of town every weekend? Are you not in the UK?

Oh dear, you poor thing!
So MIL tried to bully you into doing things the way her lazyarsed waste of space son wanted, and now you've stood up to the bullying and said No, you're the "crazy and delusional" one?

I don't think so, OP. Your ex is a spiteful lazy bastard and she's just facilitating her little manchild.

You're going to have to take this to court at some point though - otherwise, there's a reasonable chance that they're going to refuse to see your DC at all until you give in, just to be fucking manipulative.
If YOU take it to court (and I appreciate it costs money so you might not think it's worth it) then YOU are demonstrating that YOU are the one trying to facilitate relationships between father and child (grandparents don't count) and that HE is the one being obstructive. If you wait for them to do it, then you might look like the obstructive one.

I'm so sorry that your DC has just another useless fecking waste of skin for a father. :(

The problem is you have couched the visit as 'time off' for you. Parenting is 24/7 regardless of whether the children are with you. Resident parents generally manage to get their 'time off' as children get older and less dependent.

The only phrase you need to use is 'your son can facilitate time with your grandchild'. It's not up to you to arrange this if your relationship with his family has broken down.

I would just worry that there's a danger your ex will push back on this by saying that, regardless of the arrangement with his mother, he wants to change his day to a weekday anyway, purely to spite you.

100% keep the weekend visit as your ex’s day. MIL can see them on that day. OR have a day in the week as an extra (perhaps make this a casual arrangement once a month so it doesn’t result in any weekly changes). You need to stand firm on this - you deserve a break too.

Sorry - just read your update. Well done!

@LegoVsFoot

Just an update...wooow. Just got off the phone with MIL. She accused me of trying to ruin ex's life by wanting him to stick to the weekend because he deserves time to relax and see friends. I said don't I deserve that time too then, and she said it's not up to him to provide it.

So I said ok, weekday is off the table, I'm not debating, I'm telling you both what day works for me. Give me a reason why it doesn't work for you?

And she said it didn't work because I only wanted that day so I could 'get childcare off them.' And she said I was depriving them of a relationship with DC. I said, no, that's their choice if they don't want to see them on a day that works for everyone.

She got off the call saying I was crazy and delusional...what a drama.

that sound so stressful babe , try not to get worried , iv been through family court when dd was little and the bottom line is that as long as you are being reasonable and offering him contact with child that will go in your favour ,, if he does decide to take you to court him saying he only wants 1 day in a week so he can relax with friends on sat / sun is not going to be impressing a judge who is there to look at what is in the best interests of the child and whats fairest for both parents .. if he was to come out with you only want a weekend so you can get free childcare ............ well i think eyebrows would be raised at that one . most nrps do not look at having a nice weekend with their own child as provinding free childcare to their exs , thats not what its about , your mil sounds like a right one and its not her place to be getting all involved fighting his bloody battles for him or trying to arrange the contact to suit her as well .. family court would not be taking her into account , if he has child at weekends its down to her to stop her ass in town instead of going away as again , you wouldnt be stopping her seeing her gc . its down to her to arrange that contact when her son had him . hugs stay strong xx

@Rtmhwales

Errrm .. if he was to go to court to try and claim OP is using parental alienation I'm sure they'd ask him to do EOW and a weekday night. Far more than he does now. He's the one alienating himself.

Did the OP say he works weekends anyway? Posters keep saying he does but I thought he worked sporadic hours and if he's seeing friends all weekend it's hardly about a work schedule. Why do some people prioritize the friends over their own child?

He doesn't work on weekends...he works odd hours in the week.

MIL tried to argue he works 5 days a week same as me - but then surely a weekday wouldn't work for him either?!

She also said she never got a break and she was 'basically a single parent'...she was married and has never worked lol.

I think we'll have to go to court to work something out - which she mentioned but not sure if she realises family court will order more than he's been doing, not less. It's funny because if they just worked with me I would agree to basically what they wanted, but because they won't even compromise a bit it forces me to put my foot down.

She's kept on texting me but I haven't looked at the messages. 🙄She was saying I was cornering them and forcing them, so I expect if they agree they'll turn it into a pity party about me forcing them and being evil. Even though this is the day he's been doing (when he actually visits) up until now...

@chaosrabbitland thanks xx

Take the bastard to family court. Have it arranged that he has to do a weekday and weekend day and night. That way he can take the little one to his mother's on a weekday and have some quality time with his child himself.
Absolutely ludicrous.

it then looks like it might be a family court job , but its not to be feared , i was so afraid when i did it . but honestly it was actually a relief . family court judges can smell bullshit and excuses a mile away i found . hes going to have to have a damed good reason as to why he cant see that child on weekends . his mother wont come into the eqaution at all . they are only intested in his contact with child . it will be down to him to faciltate her contact with gc when he has him . as long as you stay reasonable and calm its fine , you need to say you feel that its in your sons best interests to have quality time with his dad . and of course you can still say your happy for her to have him one day in the week if you like . often they appoint you a caffcass officer who you will speak to . they are the ones who make the recommendation to the court . steer clear of saying that you need a break at weekends . just need to calmly ecplain he saw him weekends before and you would like him to continue having that time one to one with his son

She doesn't 'get a day'. She should be seeing her grandchild when her son HAS his child.

@BusyLizzie61 are you the grandmother ?
You don't seem to if read the OP has her child 6.5 days she is asking to keep existing contact of the dad for a few hrs on a sat but he wants free time at weekends.
What about when child is nursery/ school age and at school all day ?

@MizMoonshine

Take the bastard to family court. Have it arranged that he has to do a weekday and weekend day and night. That way he can take the little one to his mother's on a weekday and have some quality time with his child himself. Absolutely ludicrous.

The trouble is that the Family Court can't make him have contact if he doesn't want it. They might say it has to be the weekend or nothing, but they won't order extra contact. And it's not guaranteed that they'll agree to weekends, they may well take the view that the child's welfare comes above OP's wish for some weekend time to herself.

[quote Tiktaktoe]@BusyLizzie61 and what about the 6.5 days of the week the OP already does 'childcare' for their child?
So it's not his responsibility to work around her choices. but it is hers to work around what he wants??
He isn't looking to change the schedule because it doesn't work with his hours, he wants to do it so that his mother will be there to do the actual childcare.[/quote]
It's about what is best for the children.

Eow contact per se isn't unreasonable for CSA children once they enter education. Before that point, having contact on a week day is most definitely not unreasonable.

It's unfortunate that the op has arranged her 50.work hours over the Monday to Friday, but surely she can see that consequently the child not being in the childcare for one fifth of that to facilitate contact with NRP and grandmother would be viewed in the child's best interests. Does anyone think that a child in childcare for that long is "best" when a father or grandparent is available to provide care and contact?

Yes the op does the morning and evening run. But I imagine that literally consists of getting up and out, then reverse plus a bath/bed. For such king contact it doesn't sound as though there's going to be time for an abundance of cooking from scratch, quality evening time etc. That, if the op opts for such activities will no doubt be limited to the weekend. I cannot imagine wanting to reduce such a small window for genuine quality time.
Housework, given they're out of the house for most of the week should be minimal, beyond laundry. Perhaps the op should embrace him not wanting weekends and maybe looking at how better to manage her housework to not need all of the weekend to complete it. I certainly don't have to do hours of housework at the weekend as the housework is completed as we go and the need arises.

Now don't get me wrong, I empathise that she feels she's always working around him, but it really should have about working around the child's best interests. And it would be far healthier to not continue this tug of war and point scoring.

@BorderlineHappy

I think you need to go to court and get it nailed down. It's not working the other way. Does he give maintenance or not?

Yep didn't want to but I'm leaning that way.

I'm not sure, I haven't checked lately and last we spoke he said 'when I get the money I'll pay.' But I don't think he is.