Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to schedule visits on my time off?

214 replies

LegoVsFoot · 15/04/2021 16:40

So annoyed atm!

ExMIL asked to take toddler DC for one weekday per week, which I agreed to.

But now my ex is saying he will see DC on that day as well, not on the weekend like we normally do - which would give me no time off, because I work every weekday. (He doesn't.)

I asked MIL if she could change her day to a weekend but she is out of town every weekend, and she said it's not ex's place to make my life easier by visiting on a day that gives me a break. I said it is up to me to stand up for myself and agree to a day that works for me.

She then said I wasn't the priority, ex seeing DC was the most important thing - and I said yes, but we should both compromise to make that happen - ex doesn't agree to what doesn't suit him, so why am I expected to? There's no reason he can't visit on a weekend, he can do any day as he doesn't work on a schedule.

Now I need to decide what to do - because if I allow the midweek visit with MIL, ex will take that as his day and not visit on a weekend. So my only option is to deny the midweek visit, meaning MIL can't see DC but DH will have to see them on a weekend day - giving me one day off between work and childcare.

So what do you think? AIBU?

OP posts:
blueluce85 · 15/04/2021 17:53

Manipulative twunts...you don't owe her anything.... Definitely don't lose your weekend day for her, especially after this bitchy response. Fuck her right off

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/04/2021 17:54

@Poptart4

Deny the weekday visit and keep the weekend with dad.

If MIL complains point out it's not your place to ensure she sees your child, that's up to her son.

Well put!

I'd also wonder if your ex put her up to it, seeing as it suits him so well. She's there and does all the actual look-after, he gets to sit on his arse and get's his weekends to himself. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

FrenchBoule · 15/04/2021 17:55

What @Poptart4 said

Relationship work both ways, not at somebody’s convenience.

@Pinkdelight3 nailed it.

1Morewineplease · 15/04/2021 17:55

I'd say that the arrangement doesn't work for you and that she can see your child at the weekend when your child is with him.

blueluce85 · 15/04/2021 17:56

@waterbottle123 has the perfect response!! 👏

FeelinHappy · 15/04/2021 17:58

Exactly what @Poptart4 said. Stand up for yourself, ExP having DC one day at the weekend is hardly unreasonable.

itsgettingwierd · 15/04/2021 17:59

I'd also drop midweek visits and stick to weekends.

Tell ex and MIL if they want to change the arrangement then take it to court as I'm sure a judge will absolutely think a dad should drop contact day to just visit whilst their mum does the childcare for their child!

poppycat10 · 15/04/2021 18:01

MIL is being unreasonable but so are you. If you and ex were still together you wouldn't get "time off" at weekends, you would have the kids together.

But if I didn't like her I wouldn't be facilitating visits to grandchildren, that's for her son to arrange.

Pinkdelight3 · 15/04/2021 18:02

And if she complains that she can't see DC at weekends cos she's out of town, just say she's not the priority, ex seeing DC is the most important thing. In fact your DC is the most important thing full stop, and you're the one putting them first all the time. It'll benefit DC for you to have a breather at the w/e too.

OverTheRainbow88 · 15/04/2021 18:02

@poppycat10

I get lots of time off at weekends when my husband takes the kids out on trips etc

toocold54 · 15/04/2021 18:09

Surely if you are working every week day it is going to be more difficult for you to drop him off/pick him up etc. Who usually looks after him? Is MIL the type to not turn up which means you’d have no childcare for the day?

I’d say the childminder or whoever usually has him has said they’ll charge for 5 days a week still so you are going to stick with the weekend arrangements for now.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 15/04/2021 18:10

@poppycat10

MIL is being unreasonable but so are you. If you and ex were still together you wouldn't get "time off" at weekends, you would have the kids together.

But if I didn't like her I wouldn't be facilitating visits to grandchildren, that's for her son to arrange.

But she wouldn't have to do 100% of the labour then, so she is not being the slightest bit unreasonable. How outrageous.
notanothertakeaway · 15/04/2021 18:13

You need to think what's best for your child, not what's best for you / how to make life awkward for MIL

If toddler goes to MIL midweek, presumably that saves childcare / gives you a break. And gives toddler an opportunity to develop a relationship with granny

In addition, I think a decent dad should want to see toddler at weekends, and it's lame he doesn't, but you can't force him to step up and be a good dad

Howshouldibehave · 15/04/2021 18:14

She then said I wasn't the priority, ex seeing DC was the most important thing

I would stop her midweek access to the child as she’s being a bitch. Tell her that she’s not the priority here so it won’t be necessary.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 15/04/2021 18:17

@notanothertakeaway

The OP is working during the week. Father of the year gets lots of time off and now him and mummy dearest are trying to ensure he doesn't even have to look after his child one day. Fuck that.

Feelingconfused2020 · 15/04/2021 18:18

Agree with all the others. Say no to the weekday. I can't believe he only visits for a day in the first place, what a rubbish dad.

Merryoldgoat · 15/04/2021 18:20

Why is it in the best interests of the child to have a relationship with a grandparent who clearly doesn’t respect their mother?

This falsehood is perpetuated over and over. Some family members are nasty and toxic. There is no reason to encourage a relationship. None.

Tooshytoshine · 15/04/2021 18:21

Stick to the weekend. You do the majority of the childcare and therefore have the majority of the say.

Entitled twats.

Crappyfridays7 · 15/04/2021 18:22

Difference is when they were together if one wanted some time off the other could take their child to facilitate that. This way op is working 5 days and has her child all weekend I assume your dc is dropped back with you too so no different than nursery or a childminder really. So 6/7 days doing it all herself in effect and work. That’s tiring. I would go to court op. Have a proper schedule every other weekend and a week day or so whatever works for you both and your child. It’s so sad your ex isn’t fighting to see his child more, instead of sitting back seeing them less and letting his mother do the legwork and having her sticking up for him. My ex is fab and keeps them longer at times and takes them extra, he actually enjoys having them around!.
Hope you get a better arrangement op. I know some people think that mothers shouldn’t need a break from their kids but sometimes 24/7 is full on and you need some time for you

WeAllHaveWings · 15/04/2021 18:25

Just tell them you are cancelling the weekday visit if it replaces the weekend one because it was not agreed and is not convenient to you, then leave it to them to work it out themselves.

Do not open a discussion, after you have said it either ignore them, or repeat above.

Original poster
LegoVsFoot · 15/04/2021 18:27

@notanothertakeaway

You need to think what's best for your child, not what's best for you / how to make life awkward for MIL

If toddler goes to MIL midweek, presumably that saves childcare / gives you a break. And gives toddler an opportunity to develop a relationship with granny

In addition, I think a decent dad should want to see toddler at weekends, and it's lame he doesn't, but you can't force him to step up and be a good dad

I'm not saying she can't do the weekday visit - only if my ex takes that as his day as refuses to do a weekend. I work 50 hours a week at a very demanding job and that means I then have absolutely no time or energy to recharge/clean the house/do fun things with DC on the rest of the weekend.

By refusing the weekday visit, the only option I'm giving him would be the weekend, so it would give me a day off. And he has absolutely no reason to insist on any particular day because like I said he works part time odd hours so he can visit whatever day he likes.

It's less me making things awkward for MIL, and more me refusing to accept my ex making things awkward for me, as per usual.

OP posts:
georgarina · 15/04/2021 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeAllHaveWings · 15/04/2021 18:29

@notanothertakeaway

You need to think what's best for your child, not what's best for you / how to make life awkward for MIL

If toddler goes to MIL midweek, presumably that saves childcare / gives you a break. And gives toddler an opportunity to develop a relationship with granny

In addition, I think a decent dad should want to see toddler at weekends, and it's lame he doesn't, but you can't force him to step up and be a good dad

The ex was seeing his dd at the weekend before the change.

If MIL wants to see her dgd it is the dads responsibility to facilitate it and MIL to be flexible, not OP.

Original poster
LegoVsFoot · 15/04/2021 18:34

Thanks so much everyone for your replies. Really exhausting to either be expected to cave in to everything or be seen as the bad guy. I've just told them both no to the weekday until we can agree on something that suits everyone.

OP posts:
toocold54 · 15/04/2021 18:47

It's less me making things awkward for MIL, and more me refusing to accept my ex making things awkward for me, as per usual.

You have worded it like it is MIL that’s the issue which is why some PPs may think you are being unfair to not want your DC to have a relationship with MIL which I would agree with but it is the ex that is being difficult more than MIL.

It’s a real shame as your DC will miss out on time alone with MIL and his dad all because he’s trying to weasel out of having him. I can’t see any other option than to say no to MIL and say it’s because you want him to have alone time with his dad on the weekends and you know that won’t happen (I wouldn’t say about having a break as most parents don’t get a break so she could use that against you).