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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to schedule visits on my time off?

214 replies

LegoVsFoot · 15/04/2021 16:40

So annoyed atm!

ExMIL asked to take toddler DC for one weekday per week, which I agreed to.

But now my ex is saying he will see DC on that day as well, not on the weekend like we normally do - which would give me no time off, because I work every weekday. (He doesn't.)

I asked MIL if she could change her day to a weekend but she is out of town every weekend, and she said it's not ex's place to make my life easier by visiting on a day that gives me a break. I said it is up to me to stand up for myself and agree to a day that works for me.

She then said I wasn't the priority, ex seeing DC was the most important thing - and I said yes, but we should both compromise to make that happen - ex doesn't agree to what doesn't suit him, so why am I expected to? There's no reason he can't visit on a weekend, he can do any day as he doesn't work on a schedule.

Now I need to decide what to do - because if I allow the midweek visit with MIL, ex will take that as his day and not visit on a weekend. So my only option is to deny the midweek visit, meaning MIL can't see DC but DH will have to see them on a weekend day - giving me one day off between work and childcare.

So what do you think? AIBU?

OP posts:
BusyLizzie61 · 17/04/2021 06:55

@SnackSizeRaisin

Is that congratulations for barely seeing your child because of choice to work 50 hours a week?

But yet you think it's fine for the father to see the child far less, simply because he can't be bothered, and not to contribute financially either. The op has the child 7 mornings, 7 evenings, all day Sunday and half of Saturday. The father has him half a day and is trying to get rid of that as well.

Plus you can't just claim UC for a few years because you don't want to work. You can't get it until you've spent all your savings, so it's not an option unless you are already poor to start with.

OP I would just tell him he is responsible for half the week from now on (including half the weekend). Then he won't owe you maintenance either.

Until the child is 3 there's no issue with stopping work and claiming uc. There's no issue with reducing hours either and claiming to top up. The reason being that even the government recognise thay young children need their parents!
BusyLizzie61 · 17/04/2021 07:00

@YoBeaches

So he's not paying child maintenance either but thinks him and his mum can pick and choose when to see dc? No chance.

Deff go to court.

Children aren't pay per view!

Two very separate issues.

Given the op's so nonchalant about the CM, it doesn't sound like she's suffering unduly does it? She should, as I said pages ago, go to the cms. But not paying doesn't mean no Contact.

Those justifying the op refusing contact are genuinely not considering the best interests of the child. The father may be a waste of space, but the op stomping her feet and doing this is totally unreasonable to the child.

HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 17/04/2021 07:15

I can't believe you can't grasp that for some people, working 50 hours isn't a choice. It's a need to fund life. UC doesn't give enough to pay my mortgage/bills. Luckily my 60 hour a week job does.

Scrumptiousbears · 17/04/2021 07:24

Until the child is 3 there's no issue with stopping work and claiming uc. There's no issue with reducing hours either and claiming to top up.
The reason being that even the government recognise thay young children need their parents!

It's not about being ok to claim UC for the first 3 years or reducing hours it's also about keeps your career and being able to go back to your role. No post is going to sit a wait for you to come back one day. My job would never have let me go part time and would never have let me dilly dally for 3 years while keeping my post open.

00100001 · 17/04/2021 07:35

@BusyLizzie61

I am not disputing that the father is a bloody poor specimen!

But the same as the op wants a break at the weekend he does too. Do we not see the hypocrisy? Let's all be honest, the op is RP, but working 50 hours a week means she really has very little parenting time Monday to Friday.

Surely, NRP contact in the week is in the child's best interests than none?

Him having the child half a day and his mother a day, which I believe is what's been happening, is still counted as familial contact.

The child maintenance issue needs addressing, if you're not receiving any, then I would advise going to CMS directly. That's unacceptable.

How.old is the child? Surely midweek contact would reduce the childcare bill?

I think you're forgetting that there are two parents.

One of which is reducing his contact with his own child, to a situation where the child isn't with him solely.

He's reducing the contact. He's not considering the best needs of HIS CHILD.

Why is it upto the woman to do the best,and the man gets a free pass????

Northernsoullover · 17/04/2021 07:51

Oi Lizzie! Or is your name really Dave? Hmm I worked crap jobs around my kids hours with top ups from WTC. Now I have no pension and no way of helping my children out as their needs change because I am skint. Don't try and guilt trip OP. Ask why the lazy twat isn't paying maintenance so OP could drop a day. She's stepped up because he can't be fucked.

Theunamedcat · 17/04/2021 08:06

She wants to use her "down time" to clean the fucking house he wants to use it to see his mates bit of a difference here

Personally I would force the child maintenance allow midweek contact with the nan so she can see what a shit her dad is when she is older and pay for a cleaner with the child maintenance win win

timeisnotaline · 17/04/2021 10:23

@HercwasanEnemyofEducation

I can't believe you can't grasp that for some people, working 50 hours isn't a choice. It's a need to fund life. UC doesn't give enough to pay my mortgage/bills. Luckily my 60 hour a week job does.
It doesn’t matter either way. Working 50 hours is often a choice and that’s fine. It’s not because you are a mother you don’t deserve a career, but poor precious daddy(biologically anyway) must be supported whether he wants to work 50 hours or whether he wants to relax with friends or whether he wants to get his mum onboard with relieving him completely of all parenting duties.
Angrypregnantlady · 17/04/2021 11:07

Jesus christ! Can you imagine a sane person suggesting a woman end her career and sign onto the dole so she can make her child available for whenever her waste of space father can be arsed to see her while his mum looks after her because he's too busy and tired from hanging with his friends and working every so often.

The OP is the only decent parent in this story, including darling grandmother who clearly doesn't give a shit about her granddaughter and enables her son to neglect his daughter.

Weebitawks · 17/04/2021 11:34

I do not understand why she thinks he should have the whole weekend free, when he works less and only sees DC for a few hours a week. Surely you both (well definitely you) deserve a day off to relax? They expect you to provide all the childcare for him.

It's the attitude that the children are just your responsibility and you should be grateful that he does anything.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 17/04/2021 11:43

Parenting standards for men are incredibly low. Chuck your children a few quid a month and take them out for the occasional ice-cream (but only if it's convenient for you) and you're a hero.

Parenting standards for women are impossibly high. Sit on benefits working a few hours a week in a low-paid job and you're a parasite leeching of the taxpayer and passing your low aspirations on to your children. Demonstrate ambition by having a well-paid, demanding job that provides more than a basic standard of living for your children and you're a career-driven harpy failing in your responsibilities as a mother. Oh, but if a man does this, it's perfectly acceptable and he needs the whole weekend to himself to recover (so no childcare duties or chores) because he works so hard to support his family.

It's all bollocks. It makes me angry. I hope our daughters don't have to deal with this shit. No wonder women are voting with their feet and choosing not to have children.

waitingforthenextseason · 17/04/2021 11:52

spot on jellybabies

georgarina · 17/04/2021 12:59

Thanks so much everyone for your replies. It's honestly getting me through just reading them. My family is very much 'stay quiet and don't make a fuss' so it takes a lot for me to stand my ground.

MIL has just a text saying 'so sorry to have got emotional, hope you can work it out with ex and we can still be friends.' LOL.

And ex has said 'The day that works for me and MIL is (weekday). We understand you're not happy with it. Let's you and I chat about it with a family therapist.'

Honestly I'm so sick of dealing with them, I'd love to just take him to court and have some sense knocked into him re child maintenance and visitation.

I stuck to offering the weekend day and agreed to book the therapy session (annoyingly paid for half!). At least I'm feeling stronger and less willing to deal with the bullshit.

georgarina · 17/04/2021 13:00

@LAgeDeRaisin

OP if you're reading, well done for working a demanding role and doing all the parenting yourself. Well done for contributing to society and paying taxes to fund those less fortunate or less able to do what you are doing, who rely on those taxes to get by. Well done for setting a great example of hard work for your children. Well done for giving them stability and routine and a nice life.

You're doing a great job. Daffodil

Thank you 💗
georgarina · 17/04/2021 13:06

Gah forgot to NC 🙈

Allwokedup · 17/04/2021 13:13

@georgarina

Take him to court and offer him EOW and one overnight in the week.

Theunamedcat · 17/04/2021 13:19

@georgarina

Thanks so much everyone for your replies. It's honestly getting me through just reading them. My family is very much 'stay quiet and don't make a fuss' so it takes a lot for me to stand my ground.

MIL has just a text saying 'so sorry to have got emotional, hope you can work it out with ex and we can still be friends.' LOL.

And ex has said 'The day that works for me and MIL is (weekday). We understand you're not happy with it. Let's you and I chat about it with a family therapist.'

Honestly I'm so sick of dealing with them, I'd love to just take him to court and have some sense knocked into him re child maintenance and visitation.

I stuck to offering the weekend day and agreed to book the therapy session (annoyingly paid for half!). At least I'm feeling stronger and less willing to deal with the bullshit.

Perhaps the family therapist can gently point out he is being a twat?
HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 17/04/2021 15:24

Take him to court. Why won't you?

georgarina · 17/04/2021 16:01

@HercwasanEnemyofEducation

Take him to court. Why won't you?
I'm not ruling it out. I want to see what happens with the family therapist first (appt is in 3 weeks).
BusyLizzie61 · 17/04/2021 16:26

Is the therapist able to sign off the MIAM or not mediation? If the therapist is able to do so, then court may well follow as MIAM is the precursor.

timeisnotaline · 18/04/2021 05:06

Leave your mum’s convenience out of this please. I’m only interested in working out parental contact and it’s up to you if you want to spend time with your mum during your contact.
Why doesn’t he pay? Wouldn’t cms work? Adding you will put an application for cms in this week might make him back the fuck up very quickly on contact.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 18/04/2021 05:53

@BusyLizzie61

Those saying that the op may need to work those hours... Maybe she WANTS to! Maybe the 50 hours is really 38 hours plus her commute? Maybe she didn't consider alternative roles? Maybe she doesn't like being a mother too much and working 50 hours a week is preferable? I've certainly heard parents say this! Maybe she would be able to work less and more present at home if she perhaps reduced her hours and claimed UC like many in her scenario do until their child starts school. Maybe this child was only planned by her and the father is now a father by default? Maybe there's a lot more of a back story to this situation that posters are all presuming have the op as the heroine whilst none of us actually know! It's all hypothetical.

If he has no contact and the grandmother neither because of the op, then all she has done is remove the parental familial connection altogether.

She's also removed any chance that in years to come the child has a good relationship with the grandmother and perhaps has sleepovers, holiday breaks with her. All of that could happen regardless of the father's involvement. Except the op is too busy with her own agenda to see any of this and that this isn't in the child's best interests.

The father sounds crap. You cannot make him anything else. He has to do that. Op apparently knows this. Yet still insisted on banning the grandmother who does wish to be involved.

As for the CM she wasn't even aware of how much or little he pays. That suggests she's not living penny to penny as people who are know exactly how much money they have going out and coming in.

@Scarlettpixiim glad someone else too would want to be with their children at the weekend.
There are pages of separated parents who would LOVE not to use what "down time" they have with their child to their ex! This attitude on the thread is distinctly the minority.

Stfu
CustardyCreams · 18/04/2021 06:21

Tell MIL she can only have a weekday visit if the PREVIOUS weekend, DH had DC for the agreed day.

She and ex DH are being massively unreasonable

georgarina · 18/04/2021 07:28

@BusyLizzie61 No they're just a talk therapist, it's to see if we can work out an agreement between the two of us. Suddenly he's keen to work it out lol.

@timeisnotaline He doesn't pay since he quit his regular job, so he always says 'he doesn't have the money' and 'he hasn't been paid' and it's impossible for me to know the truth. But I do know he has money to support himself.

I'm looking into putting in an application now. Truthfully I've just been too nice, and been bullied into it for too long - weirdly he and MIL have guilted me into being the one with more power, and every time I've pushed him he's screamed at me that I'm controlling him and using my power against him - so I've just given into him controlling me.

@CustardyCreams That's a really good suggestion. Will mean he can't conveniently cancel all his weekends if I agree to the weekday (which I know is what would happen).

BlackCatShadow · 18/04/2021 07:33

Is @georgarina the OP? Or a poster with a similar problem?