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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to schedule visits on my time off?

214 replies

LegoVsFoot · 15/04/2021 16:40

So annoyed atm!

ExMIL asked to take toddler DC for one weekday per week, which I agreed to.

But now my ex is saying he will see DC on that day as well, not on the weekend like we normally do - which would give me no time off, because I work every weekday. (He doesn't.)

I asked MIL if she could change her day to a weekend but she is out of town every weekend, and she said it's not ex's place to make my life easier by visiting on a day that gives me a break. I said it is up to me to stand up for myself and agree to a day that works for me.

She then said I wasn't the priority, ex seeing DC was the most important thing - and I said yes, but we should both compromise to make that happen - ex doesn't agree to what doesn't suit him, so why am I expected to? There's no reason he can't visit on a weekend, he can do any day as he doesn't work on a schedule.

Now I need to decide what to do - because if I allow the midweek visit with MIL, ex will take that as his day and not visit on a weekend. So my only option is to deny the midweek visit, meaning MIL can't see DC but DH will have to see them on a weekend day - giving me one day off between work and childcare.

So what do you think? AIBU?

OP posts:
WildfirePonie · 15/04/2021 21:49

Block them both and only use email with your ex.

BusyLizzie61 · 15/04/2021 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Hankunamatata · 15/04/2021 21:59

Well we can all see where your ex got his nurturing side Hmm

Stompythedinosaur · 15/04/2021 22:00

Stick to your guns. You are 100% right.

SomebodyThatIUsedToKnow3 · 15/04/2021 22:01

Ex has the child at most half a weekend day each week, but OP has minimal contact doing every night and morning with DC during the week and one and a half weekend days, plus all weekend nights? That's really your interpretation BusyLizzie61. The OP works 50 hours a week, her Ex has flexiblility in when he works. If before and after work doesn't count then why doesn't ex do them all?

GabriellaMontez · 15/04/2021 22:06

Scumbags.

Block MIL. Why wouldn't you? Your ex can arrange contact during his time.

Lachimolala · 15/04/2021 22:12

You need to think what's best for your child, not what's best for you / how to make life awkward for MIL

If toddler goes to MIL midweek, presumably that saves childcare / gives you a break. And gives toddler an opportunity to develop a relationship with granny

In addition, I think a decent dad should want to see toddler at weekends, and it's lame he doesn't, but you can't force him to step up and be a good dad

What’s best for the child is not having a mum burnt out by exhaustion, all because daddy dearest has decided to be even more useless and lazy and MIL from hell is facilitating this.

Original poster
LegoVsFoot · 15/04/2021 22:12

@JesusIsAnyNameFree

Oh, what a piece of work she is. "He deserves time off". He sees his child for an afternoon a week!

Stick to your guns OP. This is beyond outrageous of them and I agree that it was all a ploy to make sure he got a day that he preferred. How old is this dickhead anyway? I'm so angry on your behalfAngry

Thanks, honestly I'm just relieved to be able to vent about it and see that people see my side!

He's early 30s lol

OP posts:
Original poster
LegoVsFoot · 15/04/2021 22:19

What's sad is she is actually a really good grandparent...does all kinds of crafts and activities, is very caring and patient. And we normally got along, I just always sidestepped the issue of my ex because I knew she had a few opinions I didn't share...but I just got sick of bending to him and of them putting me in awkward positions, ie. MIL asking me to agree to things because she knew it would be harder for me to say no to her. And this is the reaction now I've stood up for myself. Oh well I guess had to happen at some point.

OP posts:
BusyLizzie61 · 15/04/2021 22:45

@SomebodyThatIUsedToKnow3

Ex has the child at most half a weekend day each week, but OP has minimal contact doing every night and morning with DC during the week and one and a half weekend days, plus all weekend nights? That's really your interpretation BusyLizzie61. The OP works 50 hours a week, her Ex has flexiblility in when he works. If before and after work doesn't count then why doesn't ex do them all?
And why should he have to arrange his work to suit her, just because she has chosen to work a M-F job and chooses to work 50 hours.

I know a lot of lone mothers, and none who work the equivalent of 8 to 7pm,plus commuting time.

The ex could certainly raise that this is her choice of career/job. And it's not his responsibility to work around her choices. It's his responsibility to be a good father to his child. Though it sounds as though unless he's willing to give her days and nights off, at her convenience, she'll be blocking this too out of spite.

Tiktaktoe · 15/04/2021 23:20

@BusyLizzie61 and what about the 6.5 days of the week the OP already does 'childcare' for their child?
So it's not his responsibility to work around her choices. but it is hers to work around what he wants??
He isn't looking to change the schedule because it doesn't work with his hours, he wants to do it so that his mother will be there to do the actual childcare.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 15/04/2021 23:49

@LegoVsFoot

Anyone who is the least bit reasonable will see your side. I bet you're happy to not be with that prick anymore!
And 30s.. That's honestly a decade older than I thought he would be. Absolutely shocking.

If husband and I split and he behaves like this, I think he would mysteriously go missing Halo

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 16/04/2021 00:08

@BusyLizzie61

MIL perhaps? You are talking so much rubbish you must be!

Here we have a woman working her arse off to give her child a good life. Who the hell wants to work 50h a week? And it doesn't sound like that sack of shit is good for much, so that burden too falls on OP I imagine.

The ex doesn't work nearly as much and the reason he wants his half fucking day back is to see friends. Do you get that? He wants to stop having his child the few hours a week he does now to see friends! He can't bloody do that in the morning and then all Sunday then?

It's his responsibility to be a good father to his child
And he is failing so hard it's laughable. Half a day a week LizLiz.
And have you considered the child should have some actual alone time with their dad, not just be pawned off on his mummy? I bet you dollars to donuts he won't even be there every time, because more important things will pop up, like his friends.

The fact that you are sat here defending him (because you are) is frankly disgusting and as a woman, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Willyoujustbequiet · 16/04/2021 00:58

Still laughing at Busylizzie61 - as will any family court. I say that as a former lawyer. I'm just not sure whether she's an mil or mra. Deluded either way though.

MadMadMadamMim · 16/04/2021 01:14

I would now block MIL for her rudeness to me.

You don't have to discuss access arrangements with anyone except ex. If his mother wants any contact with your DC then she will now need to sort that out with her son.

And yes, I'd stick to weekend. It's ludicrous to facilitate access on a day that causes life to be more awkward for you when you are sole carer for 6 days of the week.

AMCoffeePMWine · 16/04/2021 01:59

Don’t engage with the ex MIL. You can’t negotiate with crazy.

I can never remember who to credit this saying with, but this applies to your situation.

“Don’t wrestle with Pigs. You’ll both get covered in mud, but the Pig likes it.”

Hoowhoowho · 16/04/2021 02:26

I’m amazed anyone thinks you’re unreasonable. It is his moral obligation to care for his child 50% of the time and pay 50% of at least his basic costs anything less is child neglect (which is a form of abuse and in my opinion should lead to significant consequences)

It’s not that you’re entitled to time off so much as your child is entitled to adequate care from his other parent (not a few hours on an afternoon once a week) You haven’t alienated him from his father, his father has alienated himself by being a shit dad.

timeisnotaline · 16/04/2021 03:15

@Poptart4

Deny the weekday visit and keep the weekend with dad.

If MIL complains point out it's not your place to ensure she sees your child, that's up to her son.

This. And add contact is about quality dad time, not sitting around while his mum looks after dc so your new plan is in dcs best interests.
timeisnotaline · 16/04/2021 03:47

Mil is a pretty shitty mum so not sure id want the dc having a lasting relationship! Is she going to encourage them to be immoral wankers like her son?
I can’t believe the posters who think a mums role is just to suck up whatever a crappy dad throws at them or they are a bad person.

Justilou1 · 16/04/2021 04:38

Let me guess... Ex barely sees his mum. He’s far too busy and important dicking around with his friends and on his PlayStation like a 14 year old? She wants to kill two birds with one stone and see both her son and GC at the same time.

Rtmhwales · 16/04/2021 04:49

Errrm .. if he was to go to court to try and claim OP is using parental alienation I'm sure they'd ask him to do EOW and a weekday night. Far more than he does now. He's the one alienating himself.

Did the OP say he works weekends anyway? Posters keep saying he does but I thought he worked sporadic hours and if he's seeing friends all weekend it's hardly about a work schedule. Why do some people prioritize the friends over their own child?

BlackCatShadow · 16/04/2021 05:11

Normally a few hours/half day Saturday afternoon.

Wow! Is that all? There is absolutely no reason he can't do the weekend and the weekday, except for the fact that he sounds like a lazy sod.

I'd just bat it back with surely a good father would like to see his kid on both days. He really should do both days.

MyOtherProfile · 16/04/2021 05:17

I'd get mediation and sort out more time for ex to look after HIS child. Half a day a week is pathetic.

icelollycraving · 16/04/2021 05:24

I don’t know about this stuff legally, but is the time he sees his child agreed in court, or something you’ve arranged previously? Seems it’s not childcare from him is it?! It’s seeing his child.
I would be pointing out that out. I agree with pp who said your child may not be hearing positive stuff about you when they are there.
So she seriously thinks her son deserves time with friends more than seeing their child? I think the fact you (understandably) said you need a break is the stumbling block here. Why are they so blinkered? Did you chuck him out?

MessAllOver · 16/04/2021 05:40

On the childcare issue, neither you or your ex are providing childcare... it is both your responsibility to care for your child. If anyone is "getting childcare off" anyone else, it is your ex who is getting childcare off you.