AIBU to schedule visits on my time off?

[LegoVsFoot]

So annoyed atm!

ExMIL asked to take toddler DC for one weekday per week, which I agreed to.

But now my ex is saying he will see DC on that day as well, not on the weekend like we normally do - which would give me no time off, because I work every weekday. (He doesn't.)

I asked MIL if she could change her day to a weekend but she is out of town every weekend, and she said it's not ex's place to make my life easier by visiting on a day that gives me a break. I said it is up to me to stand up for myself and agree to a day that works for me.

She then said I wasn't the priority, ex seeing DC was the most important thing - and I said yes, but we should both compromise to make that happen - ex doesn't agree to what doesn't suit him, so why am I expected to? There's no reason he can't visit on a weekend, he can do any day as he doesn't work on a schedule.

Now I need to decide what to do - because if I allow the midweek visit with MIL, ex will take that as his day and not visit on a weekend. So my only option is to deny the midweek visit, meaning MIL can't see DC but DH will have to see them on a weekend day - giving me one day off between work and childcare.

So what do you think? AIBU?

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

Jeez Bizzylizzie - are you SERIOUSLY suggesting that this OP should now change her fucking job to accommodate the lazyarsed waste of skin sperm donor? What the fuck is wrong with you?!

Reread what I said. Does it sound like the 50 hours job is doing the best for the op and her young child? No. That's nothing to do with the ex! It's about what's in the child's best interests. Something that 7 pages in, is still not the focus.

OP may need to work 50 hours to earn enough to support her child. How fucking rude of you Lizzie.

Well done OP! Stay strong and don't let them bully you.

Perhaps it's the only job the OP could get that pays enough, @BusyLizzie61? There aren't actually a million jobs out there at the moment and ones that work around other childcare options are even harder to come by.

If this man actually had his child EOW as is a usual contact arrangement, then they'd both have full weekends with their child and full weekends to recharge.

He wants his time to relax with friends to be prioritised over her time to relax. He already gets every Sunday completely free, so why can't he manage every Saturday?

Talking about "what's best for the child" - how about having a father who actually wants to spend time with them? They're going to grow up knowing that he prioritised seeing friends over seeing them and he didn't want to spend time with them anywhere near a full day, let alone a full weekend. Poor child.

@Bizzylizzie you're just trolling now!

I don't need to re-read what you said, BusyLizzie. It's bloody ridiculous.

I would want them to do the weekday visit so I could have DS on the 2 days I wasn’t working.

Well done OP.
Don't be bullied.

@BusyLizzie61

He is not working at the weekend, though is he? OP has said he works part-time, flexible hours during the week. I really would like to see the explanation that would show that he cannot have his child for a half day one weekend day per week due to those working hours- can you explain your reasoning?

In addition, he wants to reduce his contact hours. He actually doesn’t want contact. He wants his mum to have contact, whereby he may or may not attend. Thus avoiding having his child at the weekend- not because he is working, but because he wants to enjoy himself with his friends. Again, supporting that whilst berating the OP for having the temerity to think that she might also be allowed some time to herself is unjust.

You have said OP is sabotaging their co-parenting relationship because she won’t just roll over and give in to her ex-partners demands. She knows that if the child goes to granny, dad won’t see her at the weekend. What about the next time they decide something is inconvenient to them- should op just dance to their tune indefinitely? Both parties have to come to a mutually acceptable agreement, one side does not get to unilaterally change things just because he is a man. OP had said her MIL could have the child one day in the week in addition to the child’s father having him/her for half a day on one weekend day. Thereby both sides getting what they want. But he can’t have that because he does not want to do any parenting at the weekend because he “needs the break” and want to ‘spend time with his friends”. OP has said he has made it clear that if child goes to granny as OP has agreed he will not then see her at the weekend- so if OP allows this, she is in fact being manipulated into giving into his demands. By saying no to MIL having the child one day a week, she is simply refusing to be manipulated. She’s not blackmailing anyone. Just refusing to be a doormat.

Also, if her ex-partner is not providing/sporadically providing/providing minimal financial support it seems entirely logical that OP will have to work. In fact, I’d think it possible she I’d having to work long hours to support herself and her child, not necessarily by choice. The choice might be this job or nothing. So living in poverty or long hours- it’s oh so simple to suggest that OP just stop working/find a new job but often far from easy and not always possible. And it is also possible that op enjoys her job/has a fulfilling career- why should she have to give this up so her child’s father can have the contact days as it suits him? This child has TWO parents. Both should be taking responsibility. It’s not just OP’s job to facilitate the smooth running of their relationship.

@BusyLizzie61 maybe OP wouldn’t have to work 50 hours a week if her fucking ex didn’t work off hours and paid child maintenance.

Those saying that the op may need to work those hours... Maybe she WANTS to!
Maybe the 50 hours is really 38 hours plus her commute?
Maybe she didn't consider alternative roles?
Maybe she doesn't like being a mother too much and working 50 hours a week is preferable? I've certainly heard parents say this!
Maybe she would be able to work less and more present at home if she perhaps reduced her hours and claimed UC like many in her scenario do until their child starts school.
Maybe this child was only planned by her and the father is now a father by default? Maybe there's a lot more of a back story to this situation that posters are all presuming have the op as the heroine whilst none of us actually know! It's all hypothetical.

If he has no contact and the grandmother neither because of the op, then all she has done is remove the parental familial connection altogether.

She's also removed any chance that in years to come the child has a good relationship with the grandmother and perhaps has sleepovers, holiday breaks with her. All of that could happen regardless of the father's involvement. Except the op is too busy with her own agenda to see any of this and that this isn't in the child's best interests.

The father sounds crap. You cannot make him anything else. He has to do that. Op apparently knows this. Yet still insisted on banning the grandmother who does wish to be involved.

As for the CM she wasn't even aware of how much or little he pays. That suggests she's not living penny to penny as people who are know exactly how much money they have going out and coming in.

@Scarlettpixiim glad someone else too would want to be with their children at the weekend.
There are pages of separated parents who would LOVE not to use what "down time" they have with their child to their ex! This attitude on the thread is distinctly the minority.

Maybe this child was only planned by her and the father is now a father by default

Well unless the OP snatched up the used condom from the floor and turkey bastered the contents into herself, I think we can safely say it was equally planned. Anyone over the age of about 12 knows exactly how babies are made and if you don't want a kid, you use protection.

Stop trying to make excuses for this waste of space.

I'd tell the mother-in-law to remember that she's an ex too.

@BusyLizzie61

Honestly you must be off your head! A woman is the sole provider and carer of her child yet she's the villain in your eyes?!

The grandmother is clearly shit if she's trying to HELP her son get out of being a dad even more than he has done. If she gave a shit about her grandchild she'd give him a clip round the ear and tell him to start looking after and paying for his child.

Her kid is better off seeing her mum work than her mum choosing to claim benefits, throw away her career just so she can sit at home colouring. The kid is also clearly far better off at nursery than in the care of the dad or the grandmother. Neither of whom seem to care about her at all.

I also don't know a single parent that want to spend every second of their lives either working or looking after their kid, it's perfectly normal to want some time to just be yourself, why shouldn't the dad or grandmother step up and provide her with a few hours off when she spends every other second of her life looking after their daughter/granddaughter.

I can't believe what I'm reading. It's like it's out of some sort of 1950's housewife magazine.

Who cares whether she 'needs' to work that much. Perhaps she is saving for university fees for her children, or a house deposit, or just security of career because she provides all the childcare plus all the finances? Maybe she works in a role where she needs to work those hours to keep her skills up, like surgery. Maybe it just gives her fullfillment, or maybe she wants to set an example of a strong, hard-working woman for her daughter/son.

It's completely disgusting to suggest a woman working a demanding job with long hours quits and gets a (very likely) low skilled job she is massively overqualified for just to satisfy some twunt on the internet's ideas about what a proper mother should be doing or sacrificing for her children.

Lets not focus on the fact that the father is fannying around in a job he just attends 'some of the time' but is so shit that he can't even pay any child maintenance from it, and despite vast amounts of leisure time still cant be arsed to see his kids more than 3 hours a week unless his mother is there doing all the work.

Let's focus on the utterly outrageous situation of a single female parent daring to have a good job while single-handedly raising children.

OP if you're reading, well done for working a demanding role and doing all the parenting yourself. Well done for contributing to society and paying taxes to fund those less fortunate or less able to do what you are doing, who rely on those taxes to get by. Well done for setting a great example of hard work for your children. Well done for giving them stability and routine and a nice life.

You're doing a great job.

@LAgeDeRaisin

OP if you're reading, well done for working a demanding role and doing all the parenting yourself. Well done for contributing to society and paying taxes to fund those less fortunate or less able to do what you are doing, who rely on those taxes to get by. Well done for setting a great example of hard work for your children. Well done for giving them stability and routine and a nice life.

You're doing a great job.

Is that congratulations for barely seeing your child because of choice to work 50 hours a week?

When did things go so wrong that actually being with your baby/toddler is seen as the wrong thing? Do you really believe that work ethics won't be instilled if someone only worked 25 hours or perhaps didn't work until the child started school? Poppycock that this is about work ethics!

Personally, I'd rather my child remembering what we did together, even if were poor as church mice, but remembered the time we had together, than a child who solely remembers the 2 weeks annual leave a year, that could be as luxurious as anything and nothing about the other 48 to 50 weeks! I have friends who are a decade younger and say this about their own families, and these specific friends all have distant relationships and weaker bonds with their parents, which is fully understandable in their circumstances.

Even once at school, I'd hate for my child to be in wraparound care before and afterwards, as opposed to being with family.

We have potentially 50 years to work, yet less than a handful of formative years with our children.

In this example, the op's ex is missing out. I hope she doesn't regret doing the same. Especially being in a hurry to get any additional time away too...

OP please don't pay attention to busy they are just a wind up merchant.
A snapshot from busy on another thread.

09/03/2021 05:36BusyLizzie61

Nith

Your parenting situation isn't unique, yet plenty of parents which is what you are, manage to work in between school runs.
I manage with an add child, plus being a single parent.
You could work, but prefer to moan about your situation, whilst your partner is working for the benefit of the family!

Oh, for goodness sake, how crass can you get? The fact that you have a child with ADD tells you little or nothing about the work involved in parenting a severely disabled non-verbal incontinent child with autism. Other issues apart, you can't rely on the child being safely tucked away between 9 and 3: you will have endless appointments, it's a condition which often has connected problems like Ehlers Danlos meaning the child is regularly in severe pain and may have to be brought home at any time, he may have other health problems, and the school may ask for him to go home if, say, he has a really major meltdown.

Just to correct. My phone self corrected. My child has ASD.
I'm more than proficient in the knowledge of how many hospital appointments etc as I live it.
My lo has other additional needs too. So, some months we have an appointment a week, hence I work on school hours and not every working day.
The op's child is at school, every day, including during the lockdowns. So in effect she only has a toddler at home when they're also not at nursery. She has free time to herself. She is not hard done by. And on top of it, gets paid to look after her own child out of school hours! So she's in effect doing what every other parent does, except she has all this additional free time to moan about her husband who is earning for the family.
And let's not forget here, the additional needs would have been apparent from young and the op/oh chose to have a second child.
Sounds to me that the op will be using the justifications of her child for the indefinite future as to why she should live on benefits and be provided for by her husband.

@Tiktaktoe

And do you actually express your own thoughts or simply follow the flock?

Please at least try and be individual and not try to create an issue where there isn't one!

Stop 'negotiating' with her.

Tell your MIL that you will make arrangements with your child's father and only your child's father going forward. Then block her.

No wonder he's a lazy, selfish arse with all her enabling of him: he works part time, minimal hours, and needs his weekends free while his mother does the heavy lifting of seeing his child and doing things with him once a week? Fuck that.

Busy combing your hand hair...

Is that congratulations for barely seeing your child because of choice to work 50 hours a week?

But yet you think it's fine for the father to see the child far less, simply because he can't be bothered, and not to contribute financially either. The op has the child 7 mornings, 7 evenings, all day Sunday and half of Saturday. The father has him half a day and is trying to get rid of that as well.

Plus you can't just claim UC for a few years because you don't want to work. You can't get it until you've spent all your savings, so it's not an option unless you are already poor to start with.

OP I would just tell him he is responsible for half the week from now on (including half the weekend). Then he won't owe you maintenance either.

Deny the midweek visit with MIL if it makes your life harder. It's not your job to facilitate their relationship, especially as she seems like such a bitch. In fact cut off contact all together, that's surely one of the benefits of breaking up! If she wants a relationship with her grandchild let her son sort it out xx

@LAgeDeRaisin

Busy combing your hand hair...

So he's not paying child maintenance either but thinks him and his mum can pick and choose when to see dc? No chance.

Deff go to court.