Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to schedule visits on my time off?

214 replies

LegoVsFoot · 15/04/2021 16:40

So annoyed atm!

ExMIL asked to take toddler DC for one weekday per week, which I agreed to.

But now my ex is saying he will see DC on that day as well, not on the weekend like we normally do - which would give me no time off, because I work every weekday. (He doesn't.)

I asked MIL if she could change her day to a weekend but she is out of town every weekend, and she said it's not ex's place to make my life easier by visiting on a day that gives me a break. I said it is up to me to stand up for myself and agree to a day that works for me.

She then said I wasn't the priority, ex seeing DC was the most important thing - and I said yes, but we should both compromise to make that happen - ex doesn't agree to what doesn't suit him, so why am I expected to? There's no reason he can't visit on a weekend, he can do any day as he doesn't work on a schedule.

Now I need to decide what to do - because if I allow the midweek visit with MIL, ex will take that as his day and not visit on a weekend. So my only option is to deny the midweek visit, meaning MIL can't see DC but DH will have to see them on a weekend day - giving me one day off between work and childcare.

So what do you think? AIBU?

OP posts:
Tiktaktoe · 15/04/2021 18:58

If you exmil want sto see her dgd she can tell he rson to stop being such a fucking asshole!

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 15/04/2021 19:01

Absolutely not. You are working and a single parent, you have residency, you have the control. What works best for you is contact at the weekend, so stick to it and protect your mental health. What works best for you will ultimately be best for your child too as you will get a break and be in a better place to parent them.

Still1nLove · 15/04/2021 19:06

They are both ridiculous. Stick to the arranged weekend visits and he can facilitate his mum seeing her grandchild.

FeelinHappy · 15/04/2021 19:38

Also I would think it's better for your son's relationship with his dad that your ex has responsibility for him one day a week, rather than his role just being reduced to popping in to see him while MIL does all the heavy lifting. Not that I'm suggesting you get into an argument with them about this, but for your own peace of mind. They'll argue he might be missing out on grandparent contact but I think the alternative they're proposing would in practice reduce his contact with his dad. Better to keep ex on the page of being able to look after toddler, and actually parenting him.

billy1966 · 15/04/2021 20:03

@Poptart4

Deny the weekday visit and keep the weekend with dad.

If MIL complains point out it's not your place to ensure she sees your child, that's up to her son.

Absolutely this.

What a petty, unpleasant woman.

Flowers
BusyLizzie61 · 15/04/2021 20:27

Contact is not about the RP. It's about the child maintaining a positive relationship with the NRP.

YABVU to expect that the contact is solely timed to "give you a break". You're a parent and as RP this means like millions of others, you don't get these as matter of course. Many working parents have to juggle housework and children after working all week!

If, for whatever reason, he wishes his child to only have 1 day per week contact with either him or his family, that's his choice. However that's up to him to facilitate. But stooping the gm visit is incredible churlish of you.

You can refuse the mil. You can unreasonably say he can only have contact at the weekend because of your needs and because you believe that his diary is more flexible than yours! But if he refuses then you'll have to explain in years to come why you stopped the gp visits and felt justified to consequently reduce the father's contact because you "needed a break".

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/04/2021 20:48

"Contact is not about the RP. It's about the child maintaining a positive relationship with the NRP."

It is indeed for the benefit of the child. But I'm wondering about the quality of the contact that would be achieved in the Mil's/Ex's proposal. Call me cynical, but I suspect that all contact would be between mother and grandchild. Ex would be in the room, sure - probably on his phone. He would like that, I'll bet.

Meanwhile, the child's relationship with the father founders.

HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 15/04/2021 20:53

Why doesn't ex want to see the child for both if contact is so important to him?

LittleOwl153 · 15/04/2021 20:55

Cynically, I'd drop the consistent MIL visits altogether as she will otherwise be possibly able to claim grandparent rights and try to take the child for a weekend day, and dad have the other weekend day once child is at school - leaving you all the grunt and the expense and none of the down time.
Child can see MIL if Ex facilitates it.

Original poster
LegoVsFoot · 15/04/2021 20:55

Just an update...wooow. Just got off the phone with MIL. She accused me of trying to ruin ex's life by wanting him to stick to the weekend because he deserves time to relax and see friends. I said don't I deserve that time too then, and she said it's not up to him to provide it.

So I said ok, weekday is off the table, I'm not debating, I'm telling you both what day works for me. Give me a reason why it doesn't work for you?

And she said it didn't work because I only wanted that day so I could 'get childcare off them.' And she said I was depriving them of a relationship with DC. I said, no, that's their choice if they don't want to see them on a day that works for everyone.

She got off the call saying I was crazy and delusional...what a drama.

OP posts:
Angrypregnantlady · 15/04/2021 21:00

So the reason it doesn't work for them is that they don't want you to benefit in any way from it, it's not inconvenient for them, they just want to spite you. And you're the bad guy. It's your job to ensure he gets free time, but not his to ensure you get free time?
I smell bullshit.

You're not even trying to change his contact arrangement so they have no argument, he can't provide a valid reason to change it, so it stays the same.

toocold54 · 15/04/2021 21:01

And she said it didn't work because I only wanted that day so I could 'get childcare off them.

Why is a mother having her DCs seen as normal and expected yet when it’s a father it’s all of a sudden childcare!
He should WANT to see his own children as often as he can. Lots of NRP can’t see their kids during the week because they work or live too far away so weekends is normal. Maybe MIL needs to rearrange her weekends to suit her son if she’s got so much of an issue with it.

HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 15/04/2021 21:05

Does he do both days all weekends? I can see why they may view that as unfair.

Original poster
LegoVsFoot · 15/04/2021 21:07

@HercwasanEnemyofEducation

Does he do both days all weekends? I can see why they may view that as unfair.
Normally a few hours/half day Saturday afternoon.
OP posts:
HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 15/04/2021 21:08

Ahh no you're completely in the right then.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/04/2021 21:12

Stick to your guns OP. Your Ex didn't fall far from the tree by the sound of it, they're both arses.

And - what Angrypregnantlady said:

"So the reason it doesn't work for them is that they don't want you to benefit in any way from it, it's not inconvenient for them, they just want to spite you. "

Travis1 · 15/04/2021 21:15

What a prince, can’t think why you’re not together Hmm

Sceptre86 · 15/04/2021 21:16

The ex is being feckless and his mother is a delight who enables him. How much parenting is he actually going ro do when his mother has your lo? It's an excuse for him to cop out. I would say no to her and have no communication with her. He is an ex for a reason, you got free of any obligation you had to his mother. Quite frankly if she speaks to you in that way I wouldn't want her anywhere near your lo, if she wouldn't add anything positive to your loss life she doesn't need to be in it.

gah2teenagers · 15/04/2021 21:22

Childcare ! I’m outraged for you. Good job you are rid of the cheeky fucker. Stick to the weekend.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 15/04/2021 21:24

Oh, what a piece of work she is. "He deserves time off". He sees his child for an afternoon a week!

Stick to your guns OP. This is beyond outrageous of them and I agree that it was all a ploy to make sure he got a day that he preferred. How old is this dickhead anyway? I'm so angry on your behalfAngry

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/04/2021 21:27

What a bitch. You’re neither crazy nor delusional. You’re sticking up for yourself which is something too many people struggle to do. You owe her nothing. You owe your ex even less.

Do you have family who’d enjoy time with DD at weekends?

FeelinHappy · 15/04/2021 21:34

You "get childcare off them" eh? From... your son's father. FFS. It's not you mate, it's most definitely them.

Noshowlomo · 15/04/2021 21:48

I wouldn’t engage with MIL at all. It’s none of her fucking business. Any contact DC has with her should be done with your ex.
He’s a tool and it’s pretty obvious why having a wanker for a mother

BusyLizzie61 · 15/04/2021 21:49

The poster that said mil would get grandparents rights, that's now how this works in England. They only really are awarded to those who have been intrinsically involved in the caring of the child for substantial periods, not just a regular grandparent visit.

If the mil pushed for this to go to court, the court is likely to award week day contact as he does indeed work weekend days. The child is available as not at school M-F so would be deemed available for parental contact.

You most certainly could be accused of parental alienation, which is increasingly being viewed as negatively as it should be in the courts.

I would think that you've probably just destroyed what was left of your coparenting relationship. Given you could have 16 years of this, that's not a smart move, just because you need time off!

NoGoodPunsLeft · 15/04/2021 21:49

It’s a real shame as your DC will miss out on time alone with MIL

It doesn't sound like much of a shame, I can imagine the MIL doesn't speak particularly highly of the OP & her DC shouldn't be exposed to that.

As @Merryoldgoat said previously it isn't automatically a good thing for DC to see GPs