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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a push over parent?

217 replies

Flowers24 · 15/04/2021 11:44

Ok, son hates driving, has a car but rarely uses it. I drive him to work and back, collect him and his gf if they are out. I am now also taking his gf to work and collecting her, as well as working from home and. His car sits idle in the road. He says he doesnt like driving, or sometimes says he is too tired to drive.
Dh says this has to stop as i an running about all over the place. I am not very good at being firm so nervous as to how to deal with this, and also if ds really is nervous I dont want to push it? He passed test 2 years ago.

OP posts:
steppemum · 15/04/2021 15:07

washing

Can we stop with this nonsense that each person in the family should do their own washing?

It really is nonsense.
I do about 6 loads of clothes per week for our family of 5.
darks, whites, light colours, mid colours, uniform.

How does that work then? So dd has to wash her white T shirt in with her dark hoodie, as she has one load of washing to do?
That is uneconomical, it means she will do 2 half loads in stead of one full load and it means her clothes will look shabby and need to be replaced more often as dark gets washed with white. And what about the pe shirst that at the moment need washing midweek? Just stick it in on its own? And dd2 sticks hers in afterwards? And it fosters a me me approach instead of a whole family approach.

Much more sensible to get them involved.
In our house - dd there is a load of washing in machine, please hang up after dinner.
ds- please stick a load of washing in before you go to work tomorrow.
dd2, please take the dry washing upstairs and sort it and put in peoples bedrooms.

Then you can also be a parent - give them more to do in holidays and less when they are struggling with homework.

Merryoldgoat · 15/04/2021 15:17

@steppemum

Agree 100% about the washing.

Once I moved to 3 communal laundry baskets the workload decreased massively.

The idea everyone does their own is bonkers.

WiddlinDiddlin · 15/04/2021 15:17

Not failed at parenting but heading that way in some areas if you don't act now.

Washing - it might not be practical for everyone to do their own, however no more collecting it from his room!

He can separate his darks/lights/delicates and put them in the appropriate place to be washed.

Car - no more lifts, he has a car, he can use it, if he doesn't want to drive then sell the car and he can walk or get a taxi.

If he has to drive somewhere the next day, then it is HIS responsibility to ensure he has enough sleep to do that. If he is too tired to drive then again, he walks or takes a taxi.

Londonnight · 15/04/2021 15:19

He is the same age as my son. My son passed his test at 17, bought his own car, insured and taxed it himself. Drives himself to and from work on a busy dual carriageway.
Why on earth do you pay for his car if he is working?

There is no way I would be driving him to and from work even if he hadn't passed his test. We are also rural with limited public transport, but if need be my son has to sort himself out.

At 20 it is time your son stood on his own feet the same way my son does. You really aren't doing him any favours by doing it all for him.

steppemum · 15/04/2021 15:23

[quote Merryoldgoat]@steppemum

Agree 100% about the washing.

Once I moved to 3 communal laundry baskets the workload decreased massively.

The idea everyone does their own is bonkers.[/quote]
yes.
In our bathroom there are 3 baskets.
Kids have sorted their own dirties in to the right basket since tiny.
So really easy for anyone to grab a basket and put a load in

Changechangychange · 15/04/2021 15:31

@3totheright4totheleft

A 30 min walk?? My 12 year old does that to get to school! Honestly tell him not to be so lazy.
My four year old walks a mile each way to nursery! FFS OP, tell him to sell the car and buy a bike if he can’t manage to walk for 30mins.

I can drive, but I wouldn’t bother for that short distance.

Famousinlove · 15/04/2021 15:32

He should go out with an instructor until he feels confident enough to drive on his own

bedtimeshoes · 15/04/2021 15:33

@Nitpickpicnic

So... the prime directive of parenting is ‘Equip them for independent adulting as best you can’.

You are not working to that goal. Worse, you are preventing another family’s child from adulting as well.

Invite them both for a sit-down. Tell them clearly that in 2 weeks time the lifts end, no exemptions. Hand them the bus timetable, make no mention of driving or his car. They can do the maths, presumably?

If there’s any sulking, make a show of being very offended, and get your husband to tell them they need to buy you some flowers for the generous lifts to this point. Underline that point firmly somehow.

And firmly refuse to come running when they test you (which they will). Call it tough love- from you to yourself. And remember the prime directive. I bet there’s other areas you need better boundaries too?

This advice is spot on!!!!
bedtimeshoes · 15/04/2021 15:35

@Unanananana

Manchild of the future!! God help his potential future spouse.

Cut the apron string ffs.

I know a 37 year old like this.... definitely leads to man-child.
bedtimeshoes · 15/04/2021 15:37

@Flowers24

He did say the other day could I take gf as he wanted a lie in, i took her but he came in the car with me anyway, so could have taken her himself?
This is making me feel cross for you. He's massively taking the piss.
SecretRedhead · 15/04/2021 15:39

He's taking the absolute piss and so is his girlfriend.

bedtimeshoes · 15/04/2021 15:39

@Flowers24

I've completely failed as a parent havent I?
No you've not failed... just stop driving him and his gf around starting from TODAY!!
billy1966 · 15/04/2021 15:47

OP,

Unbelievable.

I feel really sorry for your husband.

It must be beyond annoying to witness this every day, and have your spouse ignore your perfectly reasonable position.

IMO very disrespectful of your husband.

This conversation about sometimes doing too much for one's children as they become adults, is a regular enough conversation in some houses.

It's very important for parents to support each other, particularly when it really is in the best interest of the young adult.

I would be so cross with you if I was your husband.

Your son sounds as if he has the makings of a very selfish man to be imposing on his mother so much, not to mind his girlfriend.

I say this knowing only to well how self absorbed some young adults can be.

You are not doing him any favour.

Flowers
Original poster
Flowers24 · 15/04/2021 15:52

I have just told him i wont be driving gf to work anymore unless he is at work and Im here and able to, on odd occasions only. I also said you need to get yourself to work now , he just said thats fine and no problem at all, I also told the gf what I said to my son and she totally agreed with me 100%.

Lets see how it works when work comes around later.

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 15/04/2021 15:53

Surely her mother can take her to work, why is it up to you

starbrightstarlight8888 · 15/04/2021 15:55

Does the gf live with you? Do they pay rent?

billy1966 · 15/04/2021 15:55

Excellent OP.
Well done.

saraclara · 15/04/2021 15:57

Great update, OP. I'm glad they both took it well, and even positively!

See, it's not so bad making the rules!

Original poster
Flowers24 · 15/04/2021 16:07

The true test is when work comes around, thats tomorrow so we will see. I am standing firm.

OP posts:
Incywincyspinsters · 15/04/2021 16:07

I know I’m totally unreasonable but wet parents like this really annoy me.

EileenGC · 15/04/2021 16:12

30 minutes is nothing, he should walk. If he’s late for work, that’s his issue.

I started my first job at 16 and I was in a different country to my mother. I was enough of a grown up that I managed to show up on time every day and not lose the job. He’s almost 20 you’ve said, he’s definitely capable of setting an alarm clock and doing the maths to know what time he should be leaving the house if he wants to make it on time.

Dobbyisahouseelf · 15/04/2021 16:19

OP I think you need to toughen up with your DS. If he is anxious about driving then suggest that he books some extra lessons for confidence BUT he should pay for them.

Our job as a parent is to guide our children to independence. Otherwise how will they cope without us? I think a ling overdue chat is in order and saw from next week he will have to sort getting to work himself.

My DD is learning to drive and she is desperate to drive and I'm so over doing school run I can't wait either.

deplorabelle · 15/04/2021 16:19

It's a good thing for the world if someone doesn't want to drive. Get rid of the car

toocold54 · 15/04/2021 16:25

I've completely failed as a parent havent I?

Not at all!!
I would rather hear about someone being a soft parent than a hard, abusive one.

The first thing I’d do would be to tell him to drive his own car or get rid of it.

I know some couples where one will drive in certain areas as the other isn’t as confident so I wouldn’t be too hard on him doing every journey just the ones he does on a normal basis so he’s used to the roads. He needs to get used to driving anyway. Hopefully once he’s more confident he will want to drive more - most young people do.

I would then ask him to pitch in around the house more just to prepare him for when he moves out properly.

diddl · 15/04/2021 16:36

Why is it ever up to you to get his gfriend to work?