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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a push over parent?

217 replies

Flowers24 · 15/04/2021 11:44

Ok, son hates driving, has a car but rarely uses it. I drive him to work and back, collect him and his gf if they are out. I am now also taking his gf to work and collecting her, as well as working from home and. His car sits idle in the road. He says he doesnt like driving, or sometimes says he is too tired to drive.
Dh says this has to stop as i an running about all over the place. I am not very good at being firm so nervous as to how to deal with this, and also if ds really is nervous I dont want to push it? He passed test 2 years ago.

OP posts:
Carbara · 15/04/2021 14:17

Why are you keeping your adult son so pathetically dependent on you? Washing his clothes, getting him up for work, being him and his girlfriends taxi service, paying for the car and insurance for him. Let me guess, mummy’s little Prince doesn’t cook? Neither parent bothered to teach the man any basic life skills in 20 years?

roguetomato · 15/04/2021 14:18

If he is too nervous to drive and never practice, when would he be ready to drive?

Original poster
Flowers24 · 15/04/2021 14:19

Said yesterday he really appreciates the lifts and bought me a costa.....I am talking to him later about him taking responsibility for himself and his gf.

I totally deserve the beating up and am taking all comments on board !

OP posts:
PhilCornwall1 · 15/04/2021 14:20

@YetAnotherSpartacus

Nonsense. The only way he will get the confidence to drive is by driving

That is how accidents happen. Some other suggestions about how to build confidence with support are better.

So he has two other choices, public transport or walk. Time he grew up.
Original poster
Flowers24 · 15/04/2021 14:20

He can cook - had some time at uni and cooked all the time, he cooks sometimes at home but if im doing a meal i do enough for all x

OP posts:
RestingPandaFace · 15/04/2021 14:20

If the insurance is due soon then the ultimatum is simple.

The end sûrs ce runs out on x date. I am not giving you any more lifts after today, and if you don’t start using the car regularly before x date I am selling it.

For what it’s worth I am visually impaired and not allowed to drive and I wouldn’t ask my parents or DH for a lift to and from work every day at 1.5 miles away! Your DS is massively taking advantage.

RestingPandaFace · 15/04/2021 14:21

And also let him do his own bloody washing. Think of his poor future DW!

BrownEyedGirl80 · 15/04/2021 14:25

No way would I do this yes you are a pushover

Silverfly · 15/04/2021 14:27

If he doesn't want to drive then a 30-min walk each way is an excellent idea, I walked 30 mins to school and back from age 11.

FireflyRainbow · 15/04/2021 14:29

Fake thread. No ones that much of a pushover.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/04/2021 14:30

Honestly, you are not doing him any favours at all by running him around. And his girlfriend is a cheeky cow for expecting you to do it for her too.

He needs to grow up/gain independence. Not just default to "Mummy'. Just STOP!

Original poster
Flowers24 · 15/04/2021 14:33

@FireflyRainbow

Fake thread. No ones that much of a pushover.
Unfortunately it is not a fake thread :(
OP posts:
topcat2014 · 15/04/2021 14:34

Apart from DW, no-one else has driven me about (if you see what I mean) since I passed my test at 17.5.

DW was a nervous driver and had not driven between passing test and meeting me about 10 years later. She had refresher lessons and was then fine.

Foghead · 15/04/2021 14:38

If he’s nervous, how about tomorrow he drives his car to work with you as passenger, you drive it back, pick him up then he drives it home.
He can then drive it around all weekend and hopefully, will be ok for Monday.

Topseyt · 15/04/2021 14:38

@VeganCow

The housework and washing wouldnt bother me, I do all that here with 2 grown up kids here. But they both have cars and only need a lift if theirs is off road for whatever. I wouldnt be doing this, I would tell him to sell his car, it isn't the law to have one! And get public transport
I agree with this. It is how we operate in this house too. Doing the washing doesn't bother me in the slightest and I prefer to do it when I am here (they do it themselves when I am not, and that is fine by me)

I won't drive people anywhere when they are perfectly capable of driving themselves though. I'd do it occasionally as a favour if someone's car was in for a service or something, but OP's DS is totally taking the piss.

Give him notice now that this arrangement is about to end. It sounds like the journeys to and from work are pretty short, so ideal probably to get his confidence up.

I'm not unsympathetic to people who don't like driving. I'm not wildly keen on it myself and will sometimes take public transport if it is an option. However, I don't expect others to put themselves out for me - I'll drive if I really must.

notalwaysalondoner · 15/04/2021 14:38

Yes, you are a pushover. Some people don't like driving - they either get over it as it's pretty much an essential life skill, or they get public transport/taxis. You are his taxi. And what's his girlfriend's excuse? Just say 'I need you to start getting yourselves to and from work. I have other things that I want to prioritise. You have a car and can drive.' The mumsnet classic - 'no' is a full sentence if he tries to argue.

notalwaysalondoner · 15/04/2021 14:38

Also the less he practices the less confident he'll feel and the more he'll dislike driving. You'll actually be doing him a favour by getting him to drive more.

1forAll74 · 15/04/2021 14:44

I guess there must be a reason why he says he is too nervous to drive, Was he like this when he first had his car. You say he is up all night, is this with gaming, or maybe smoking weed etc, or perhaps has a friend who has been in bad car accident. It's odd for young guys to not want to drive if they have a car, so it's not just down to being too lazy.

If you are going to keep on driving him to places, then you will never get to the bottom of why he doesn't want to drive now.

forrestgreen · 15/04/2021 14:48

Right Ds I've realised I'm not doing a great job of teaching you independence and readying you for living on your own.
So from today there's no more lifts, feel free to sell the car and use the money for public transport, or your insurance is due on the x date.
You need to get ready for living on your own, so please cook for us all once a week and sort your own washing.
I'm really looking forward to us living together as adults all playing our part.

Triffid1 · 15/04/2021 14:48

I don't get the "not liking driving" thing. I mean, it sounds like he's never liked it but you've pushed him, bought him a car, paid for upkeep etc. If someone really hates driving and chooses not to, that's fine. But if someone hates driving but still wants all the benefits of driving in the form of someone else doing it, that's really not okay. Clearly you've accepted this.

But I'd argue that things like driving are core life skills (with possible exception if you live int he middle of a big city) and should be taught to your children no matter what. DD HATES swimming. She does not want to learn. I've told her that she has to carry on with her lessons until she can swim safely because knowing how to swim is an important life skill. She cries and I'm sympathetic, but she can't rely on floating about on a noodle with someone else near by to catch her if she falls forever.

Nanny0gg · 15/04/2021 14:48

@Flowers24

He does have a washing basket in his room, I collect it weekly and pop the wash on with the other bits,
I wouldn't have a problem with that. It's more economical and no actual bother.

However, ignoring the taxi service, I bet you cook, wash up and clear up after him too.

Does he at least pay keep?

WeeFae · 15/04/2021 14:53

Does he pay rent?

cookiemon666 · 15/04/2021 15:01

Both my two oldest children passed their tests and immediately drove. We now share picking up and dropping off the two youngest.
You need to say no and stick to it. If he doesn't get to work that's his issue

2bazookas · 15/04/2021 15:04

Far from being generous and supportive you are holding them back, infantilising two adults to keep them dependent on you for ever.

That's not good for any of you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/04/2021 15:04

Fuck me Shock! There's being a pushover and being a pushover @Flowers24, you really have taken it to another level! An unpaid taxi service for both your son - and his girlfriend! Some of the examples you give are gobsmacking!

You do not need to drive him around.

  • He can drive, he has an insured car.
  • He can walk, he's got legs.
  • He can phone for a taxi/Uber to come get him.

But hey, this way he (and his girlfriend, separately or together) get to be chauffeur-driven at no cost and no effort.

Big picture - you are doing him no favours. Get a grip and tell him to go places under his own steam, the MummyTaxi has retired.