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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a push over parent?

217 replies

Flowers24 · 15/04/2021 11:44

Ok, son hates driving, has a car but rarely uses it. I drive him to work and back, collect him and his gf if they are out. I am now also taking his gf to work and collecting her, as well as working from home and. His car sits idle in the road. He says he doesnt like driving, or sometimes says he is too tired to drive.
Dh says this has to stop as i an running about all over the place. I am not very good at being firm so nervous as to how to deal with this, and also if ds really is nervous I dont want to push it? He passed test 2 years ago.

OP posts:
Chathamhouserules · 15/04/2021 12:35

Why dont you offer to help him build his confidence. Or he could pay for more lessons. Ridiculous to drive them when they can walk in 30 mins tho!

AnneTwackie · 15/04/2021 12:36

Are you sure there’s not something else going on? Ie he’s been banned and not told you?

MattyGroves · 15/04/2021 12:36

I don't understand why driving is even under discussion - would expect any healthy adult to be walking 30 mins.

BeeDavis · 15/04/2021 12:40

Jesus he’s making a right fool out of you isn’t he!!!

RealisticSketch · 15/04/2021 12:41

@Chathamhouserules

Why dont you offer to help him build his confidence. Or he could pay for more lessons. Ridiculous to drive them when they can walk in 30 mins tho!
Good idea. Sympathise with his fears, point him in the direction of constructively overcoming those with right support etc and stop pandering to him before your dh hates you for enabling his son to fail to launch into adulthood.
3totheright4totheleft · 15/04/2021 12:43

A 30 min walk?? My 12 year old does that to get to school! Honestly tell him not to be so lazy.

saraclara · 15/04/2021 12:43

If he loses his job due to oversleeping, that's on HIM

Yes. As someone else said, I fear tat this is the tip of the iceberg, and that he doesn't take any responsibility for himself.

The role of a parent is to produce independent and fully functioning adult offspring. Not to do everything for them and ensure that they actually fulfil their working responsibilities.

At the risk of sounding sexist, it seems as though your husband isn't doing his bit either. Sons do look to their fathers to see what it is to be an adult version of themselves.

You both need to sit down with your DS and present a united front with your expectations for him as an adult sharing your home. I do hope he pays his way.

Original poster
Flowers24 · 15/04/2021 12:44

My husband has given up as he's been telling me for ages and he is now the bad cop?

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 15/04/2021 12:46

I can't believe what I'm reading.

He's the same age as my son , who is currently studying in Lancaster and caught a train and a bus on his own to get home, lugging a great big suitcase and heavy rucksack with him to stay over Easter.

And he has dyspraxia and no sense of direction. But he managed it.

You really need to stop him walking all over you. If he's working why isn't he paying for his own car?

I suggest he sells his car and buys a bike. 30 mins is nothing on a bike. I also suggest his gf gets a member of her family to help her with some lifts.

The odd lift yes but this is plain babying.

FeatheredHope · 15/04/2021 12:49

This is absolutely pathetic. A 30 minute walk and you’re behaving like a personal chauffeur?
Your husband is completely right.

TattyDevine · 15/04/2021 12:49

Yes

Yesmate · 15/04/2021 12:50

Yes you are being a pushover but you already know that. The thing that gets me is how much of a piss taker your DS is being. He doesn’t want to drive his girlfriend so got you to do it (even though he came too), he’s too tired because he’s staying up all night and he’s letting you pay for his car! Taking the absolute piss out of you and being incredibly disrespectful.

FeatheredHope · 15/04/2021 12:50

And I missed that you pay for the car. This is just ridiculous.

gollymissdolly · 15/04/2021 12:51

"I fear if he has to get his own way to work for example he may oversleep , or be late and lose the job , mad I know "

It's not your responsibility to get him to work on time.

Gobbeldegook · 15/04/2021 12:51

If he can't get to work without help he needs to move nearer to work or get a job nearer to home.
I can't drive and noones ever taxied me about. I put my big girl pants on and walked/cycled/bussed my way there

steppemum · 15/04/2021 12:52

ds is 18.
he worked his socks off form age 16-17 to earn enough to get a car. From the day he passed his test he drove himself everywhere, and I have not given him a lift since!

How do you approach it:
ds we need to talk
I am not happy driving you round while your car sits idle on the drive
You are old enough to manage your own life.
I know you are nervous, so, for one month I will sit next to you as you drive, in your car. Then after that one month, I am not giving you or gf any more lifts.
If you are too tired to drive, then you need to pay for a taxi, or you need to learn to go to bed early enough so that you can drive.
If you go out for a drink, you need to pay for a taxi.

You are an adult. You need to man up.

Original poster
Flowers24 · 15/04/2021 12:54

I've completely failed as a parent havent I?

OP posts:
BestZebbie · 15/04/2021 12:56

Tbh it sounds like he needs a bike and a taxi fund, not lifts.

Clydie89 · 15/04/2021 12:56

What kind of adult are you raising OP? At 20 he should be capable of independent living, yet he sounds about 13. He has a job and earns money but you pay insurance etc on a car that isn't used and probably don't get petrol contributions for the journeys you take him, never mind payment for your time.

I take it you do all his washing etc for him too?

nicknamehelp · 15/04/2021 12:57

You've not completely failed but he is taking the p* . He might not like it but the more he does it the less he will not like it. And too tired to drive is no excuse. Tough love is called for

Original poster
Flowers24 · 15/04/2021 12:57

Yes I do his washing as its all in the basket so just pop all our stuff in the machine !

OP posts:
Bibidy · 15/04/2021 12:58

My ex-bf was like this, very reluctant to even learn to drive, but his parents booked him lessons and bought him an old banger and eventually he loved it. Sometimes they just need a push.

Changeismyname · 15/04/2021 12:59

He works, he’s nearly 20, and you pay for a car and insurance which he won’t use? Stop it! He needs to enter the real world. He can walk or use his car himself, and he can pay for it! And if he’s late then that’s his problem.

LadyJaye · 15/04/2021 13:00

@Flowers24

I've completely failed as a parent havent I?
That's rather overdramatic. There is time to change and put boundaries in place.

However, if you fail to take on board what people are saying to you in this thread and implement some changes, then perhaps I'd agree.

Everybody makes mistakes - the important thing is having the capacity to learn from those mistakes, and change as a result.

rainbowandglitter · 15/04/2021 13:00

Op he's an adult. Let him sort his commute, his washing and anything else you baby him with. How else will he learn to live alone. Oh and stop paying for his car, he earns his own money.

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