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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a push over parent?

217 replies

Flowers24 · 15/04/2021 11:44

Ok, son hates driving, has a car but rarely uses it. I drive him to work and back, collect him and his gf if they are out. I am now also taking his gf to work and collecting her, as well as working from home and. His car sits idle in the road. He says he doesnt like driving, or sometimes says he is too tired to drive.
Dh says this has to stop as i an running about all over the place. I am not very good at being firm so nervous as to how to deal with this, and also if ds really is nervous I dont want to push it? He passed test 2 years ago.

OP posts:
PembrokeshireDreaming · 15/04/2021 13:01

You are totally enabling his behaviour..........you should be teaching him to be independent!
I am gobsmacked that you are driving him and his girlfriend around.

Original poster
Flowers24 · 15/04/2021 13:02

I am totally taking every comment on board, I agree 100% and the changes are going to be made, today.

OP posts:
DragonmotherKhaleesi · 15/04/2021 13:04

Does he pay lodge? Do any of the cooking? His fair share around the house etc? Would he know how to use a washer etc?
If he was to leave home tomorrow could he look after himself?
He is an ADULT and needs to be doing these things.
He should also be regulating his own sleep patterns to enable him to work and ferry his gf around!

steppemum · 15/04/2021 13:04

@Flowers24

I've completely failed as a parent havent I?
NO. But you do need to think about what the future will be.

So, for exmple, I too still put all the washing through the machine.
But my kids are expected to help.
So on Sunday, ds asked me about a stain on his favourite sweatshirt, and he then put it in with a full (family) load. In order to hang it up, he took down and folded the dry washing, hung up the wet stuff that I hadn't got round to hanging, and hung up the wash he did.

Helping round the house is part and parcel of living in it.
What does he do?
Offer him a choice of 6 jobs, and ask him to take on three, to be done every week without fail (eg, bins, clean bathroom, hoover downstairs, empty dishwasher every day) maybe 2 weekly jobs and 1 daily one.

It is time he pulled hiw weight.

When he kicks up a stink, tell him that he is an adult, and these things are part and parcel of being an adult, his choice is do them, or move.

Leeds2 · 15/04/2021 13:05

DS is quite capable of walking 30 mins to work. Tell him that the lifts will stop from x date. And for the first few mornings, if possible, make sure you are out of the house when he is due to leave. Because I can predict now that he will oversleep, or suffer some other mishap, which will result in him asking for a lift. You aren't doing him any favours.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/04/2021 13:06

I haven't RTFT but can empathise with your son. I don't drive because I was never allowed to learn and the whole idea now terrifies me.

After two years of sitting idle, I think that taking your son for test drives would help as would encouraging him to take a few more lessons before getting back into the car.

Chewbecca · 15/04/2021 13:07

Wow, that’s bonkers.

Glad you have decided to make the change.

Report back tomorrow to keep yourself on track!

Original poster
Flowers24 · 15/04/2021 13:08

I'll report back !

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 15/04/2021 13:11

I’m not kicking you when you’re down OP but I have a tribe of uncles like this who are in their 60s now. All unable to hold down proper jobs, unable to look after themselves, reliant on they’d female relatives because their mother waited on them hand and foot.

You need to put a stop to it now. Today. Or you’ll have a useless son who is a burden to any person stupid to get into a relationship with him.

I don’t understand the partners who
Put up with this either. At 20 I’d have been utterly ashamed of my boyfriend treating his mother like that.

yomellamoHelly · 15/04/2021 13:11

If he works he can afford an uber. Or also a bike!

PussGirl · 15/04/2021 13:14

Driving him to work at the weekend because he's tired as he's been up all night!! Blimey - he needs to get himself sorted out here.

UnderHisAye · 15/04/2021 13:15

The thing about driving is, it represents so much freedom for someone his age. I can't understand him not wanting to just hop in the car with no idea where he might end up. It's a huge adventure! He needs a kick up the pants and a big dose of get up and go.

VeganCow · 15/04/2021 13:15

The housework and washing wouldnt bother me, I do all that here with 2 grown up kids here. But they both have cars and only need a lift if theirs is off road for whatever. I wouldnt be doing this, I would tell him to sell his car, it isn't the law to have one! And get public transport

TatianaBis · 15/04/2021 13:16

If he's only 20 he may need more driving experience to get confident. Can DH take him out? Can he do a weekend intensive course?

But obviously, all these lifts & washing have to stop. Give him the incentive to sort his life out.

FeatheredHope · 15/04/2021 13:17

I've completely failed as a parent havent I?

Please don’t beat yourself up too hard. But learn from this. Being a good parent includes setting your children up to be capable, independent adults. He’s 20 and in a paid job, but you’re babying him like he’s a 10 year old. You’re not doing either of you any favours.
Time for him to take care of himself.

TatianaBis · 15/04/2021 13:17

The housework and washing wouldnt bother me, I do all that here with 2 grown up kids here.

Why?

RevolutionRadio · 15/04/2021 13:21

He could do some refresher lessons with a driving instructor and focus on the route's to and from his and his girlfriends work as a start.

He might also want to do the pass plus

www.gov.uk/pass-plus

fistasledge · 15/04/2021 13:21

Good for you OP for taking onboard all the feedback. Sometimes hearing it from strangers and seeing it written in black and white is what's needed to make a change

Hope it goes well -stand firm!

Isaidnope · 15/04/2021 13:22

Yes, you are a pushover. He can drive and has a car, he needs to get used to using it at some point. If he genuinely doesn’t want to drive he can use his legs, a bicycle or public transport.

MintyMabel · 15/04/2021 13:26

Don't pressure him to drive if he lacks confidence

Nonsense. The only way he will get the confidence to drive is by driving.

Offer to take him out for more lessons, or pay for more lessons. Stupid just to avoid it.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/04/2021 13:29

Nonsense. The only way he will get the confidence to drive is by driving

That is how accidents happen. Some other suggestions about how to build confidence with support are better.

emmathedilemma · 15/04/2021 13:30

I fear if he has to get his own way to work for example he may oversleep , or be late and lose the job
If he's old enough to drive then he's old enough to get himself to bed in time at night, get up in the morning and get his bone idle arse to work by whatever means it takes that isn't mum's taxi!

sylbunny · 15/04/2021 13:34

Oh lord! You seem like a very loving mother and that is wonderful but you need to help him become an adult now.

As you pay for the car, you tell him you'll pay for pass plus to get his confidence up and then he drives himself or you sell the car as he's not using it and he walks. I think you should also tell him that this is the last year you will pay for the car and it's his financial responsibility from next year.

That is all still very generous but your not going to suddenly become a strict mean parent so I think this is a fair compromise

Theunamedcat · 15/04/2021 13:36

@Flowers24

Yes pay for the car, may not renew the insurance though as due soon
Why are you paying for his car? Insurance or actually paying for it?
ittakes2 · 15/04/2021 13:36

I am sorry but you are so far pushed over that you must be hitting the core of the earth right now. You are acting like a slave and he is treating you like one (I learnt that line from a parenting coach!) Please consider what it looks like to have some respect for yourself and your own needs. define your boundaries and stick to them.