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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a push over parent?

217 replies

Flowers24 · 15/04/2021 11:44

Ok, son hates driving, has a car but rarely uses it. I drive him to work and back, collect him and his gf if they are out. I am now also taking his gf to work and collecting her, as well as working from home and. His car sits idle in the road. He says he doesnt like driving, or sometimes says he is too tired to drive.
Dh says this has to stop as i an running about all over the place. I am not very good at being firm so nervous as to how to deal with this, and also if ds really is nervous I dont want to push it? He passed test 2 years ago.

OP posts:
Allwokedup · 15/04/2021 13:38

He needs to grow up

PussGirl · 15/04/2021 13:38

Doing the washing is okay - I do my DS's when he's home from uni so as not to run the machine half full, but equally if I put a load in & ask DS to hang it out while I'm at work, put the towels in to be done etc, he will do that

MeadowHay · 15/04/2021 13:42

My god, DB was driving himself to and from work as soon as he passed his test at 18 and sometimes driving my non-driving DM about for food shopping too. He was a nervous driver initially as well but he had to get on with it. If your DS doesn't want to drive then fair enough, he can walk to work. I don't know why you're paying for his car or the insurance though if he works tbh. I would definitely not renew the insurance if he's not using the car, what a waste of money that would be.

Wotsitsarecheesy · 15/04/2021 13:48

Yes I do his washing as its all in the basket so just pop all our stuff in the machine !

Give him a washing basket for his room. Tell him it's on him now. I am no model parent as I also give lifts too often (though kids are generally happy to walk if less than an hour or so), but my 3 have had washing baskets in their rooms since they were about 11-12, and it's on them if they don't have clean clothes.

Original poster
Flowers24 · 15/04/2021 13:51

He does have a washing basket in his room, I collect it weekly and pop the wash on with the other bits,

OP posts:
Feedingthebirds1 · 15/04/2021 13:52

@Flowers24

I am totally taking every comment on board, I agree 100% and the changes are going to be made, today.
Would it help if you had DH there as well? Not necessarily to say anything, but there if needed and presenting a united front so DS knows it's no use whinging to Dad.
Chocobo11 · 15/04/2021 13:53

Yes you're being a pushover!!
I don't like driving but had driven since I was 18, if I don't feel like driving I get the bus. I don't ring anyone for a lift.
Your making problems for yourself by not saying no.

EscapeDragon · 15/04/2021 13:54

@Flowers24

My husband has given up as he's been telling me for ages and he is now the bad cop?
Your husband has been telling you for ages?

He's been telling the wrong person. He needs to tell your DS that the lifts are stopping as of now and either he drives, or sells the car and uses the money to pay for taxis.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/04/2021 13:55

Op is DH DSs son? Just thinking if you sit down for family conference kinda thing will you get equal backing and will DS listen to Dad? Does the gf live with you? If so she needs to be there.

They need some chores that are explicitly their responsibility. If he gets his washing done currently once a week and it's pretty much a full load I'd start there and maybe dinner once a week.

You need to equip from for when he leaves. Ou haven't failed him at all, because you're still teaching him. It's just time for the next stage.

Original poster
Flowers24 · 15/04/2021 13:56

Thanks. Starting to wonder if subconsciously ive been mothering too much as I couldn't let go??

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 15/04/2021 13:59

You know when you highlight OP posts and just know you’re going to get to the bit where she says she pays for the damn car?

Offer to pay for a confidence course with an instructor.

Stop paying for car.

Stop mollycoddling him like a child.

Stop offering to let his girlfriend walk all over you too.

eatsleepread · 15/04/2021 14:00

Yup, you are. Cruel to be kind. He'll never end up a confident or able driver, with you ferrying him around everywhere.

sonjadog · 15/04/2021 14:00

I don't think you are a bad parent, but I also don't think you are parenting your son well at the moment. You are putting your desire to hold on to him as a dependent child above teaching him how to function as an adult. It is time to seriously rethink the situation and start putting what is best for him and his personal growth first.

Cocomarine · 15/04/2021 14:01

@Flowers24

Thanks. Starting to wonder if subconsciously ive been mothering too much as I couldn't let go??
Without wanting to as unkind as this sounds... no. You’re just coming up with excuses to yourself that feel better than “I’ve brought my son up to take the piss AND then let him take that piss.”

He still lives at home. You do his washing and I’m sure his cooking too. You pay for his car. That would satisfy anyone’s need to delay letting go. This sounds more like you are a pushover in general, or a bit too desperate to be liked by him.

diddl · 15/04/2021 14:01

@Flowers24

He does have a washing basket in his room, I collect it weekly and pop the wash on with the other bits,
Blimey-he doesn't even have to put his washing in the same place as everyone else-it gets collected??
user68901 · 15/04/2021 14:03

utterly ludicrous

grapewine · 15/04/2021 14:03

For one thing stop paying on a car that just sits there, if he wants to keep it your son can pay.

And stop mothering an adult this way, he's being taught being lazy is fine.

LadyJaye · 15/04/2021 14:04

Also, re: the girlfriend - does she live with you? Do you cook/clean for her too, as well as giving her (presumably free) lifts?

Mellonsprite · 15/04/2021 14:06

Glad to see you’re taking the responses onboard!
If he’s later
for work or loses his job as he won’t drive or walk that’s 100% on him. I’m not a super confident driver but it’s the kind of thing that if you don’t force yourself to do it, you’ll never get back into! Taking his girlfriend to work too is absolutely taking the piss though.
I don’t blame you for doing the washing though as he would most likely do 1/4 of a load or use at an inconvenient time for you.

Dashel · 15/04/2021 14:07

You need to encourage independence as you have trained him that he doesn’t need to do the mundane things in life as you or a future wife will do.

One of the many reasons I love and respect MIL is that with her two sons she forced them to adult and installed in them the belief that they need to pull their weight in life. The only domesticated job DH won’t do is sewing anything more than a button on, but I have never had to ask him to pull his weight or nag him.

This is in contrast to my brother who sounds just like your son, my mum used to say it was too dangerous for him to drive and chores were too hard for him, but not for me.

You and your DH now need to put on a united front and make your son grow up and learn life skills

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 15/04/2021 14:09

You sound a lovely mum OP but that is absolutely mental. What cracked me up a bit was the bit where he is too tired to drive because he was up all night! Fuck that for a lark!

I really think you need to lay down the law a bit. If he passed 2 years ago then he is at least 19. He needs to grow up, go to bed at a decent time if he has to do anything or drive anywhere the next day, like the legal adult he is and if he loses his job, well, that's his responsibility. He'll have to find another one as mummy won't be supporting an adult who is simply too lazy to work, WILL SHE?

You are doing him no favours by continuing to enable him to behave like a 13 year old.

And don't even get me started on the brass neck of the girlfriend! Where the hell are her parents? If she is so helpless as to need driving to work (30 minute walk? Good grief, couldn't possibly expect a young healthy adult to walk for half an hour!) then why aren't her parents doing it?

Cocomarine · 15/04/2021 14:09

My 9 and 11 year olds have their own wash baskets.
9yo will transfer it to bathroom when full, but I do check it when I’m doing a wash.
The 11yo will transfer it to bathroom and if bathroom is full, will shout out and ask me if she should put a wash on.

Time to get the little 20yo Prince catching up with an 11yo 🤣

saraclara · 15/04/2021 14:16

Good on you for listening to everyone (and some of the replies are pretty abrupt!) and taking things on board.

Please don't beat yourself up for past decisions. Today is a new day, and things are going to be different. Your DS is going to get a heck of a shock, and I imagine he won't take it well. But this is where your husband commes in. Not to lead or take over the conversation that you have gained the confidence to have, but to back you up when your DS argues.

Nanny0gg · 15/04/2021 14:16

@Flowers24

Yes pay for the car, may not renew the insurance though as due soon
Your husband has the patience of a saint. No way would I have stood by watching this ridiculous pandering.

Does he do anything useful at home? You know, to say Thank you and repaying what you spend out?

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 15/04/2021 14:17

Oh my God, I missed the part where you pay for his car! The car he doesn't even drive and makes you be his unpaid chauffeur. Why!!! What is it with the current generation not being expected to support themselves the tiniest little bit.

Honestly OP look at his behaviour objectively. If you weren't his mother, what would you think?

Would you want to marry such an incapable, immature man?

Can you imagine them coping if she for example, got pregnant and had a baby? They aren't functioning as adults.