Please help me to feel less bitter!

[Bobbin2021]

My husband and I have good jobs and work really hard but are still struggling to be able to afford our dream home. Two bedrooms, a garden and parking. Not much I know but it seems impossible.
Today i've heard another friend who works part time and her husband have bought a two bedroomed home because her father gave her her half of the money. It comes after so many of my friends either have had parents buy property for them so they are mortgage free, or others whose husbands earn enough to secure the mortgage without them being in work (one in a position to buy a 800K house). I realise that some of them also have children so are busy looking after them but it just makes me bitter. No matter how hard we work and save we seem to be unable to find a small home and to others it seems to come so easy. Sorry to rant, and it pains me as i know i should be happy for my friends, but they just have no money worries at all when it comes to securing a mortgage and or paying for it while we would celebrate even being able to afford a small modest home of our own.

I do think young people should get more guidance around career choices on this point - too much emphasis is put on the subject you study or the topic, rather than the type or nature of work you enjoy doing (i.e. 'study history because you love it/become a librarian because you love books' rather than 'find something that allows you to work independently and alone/find something that allows you to talk to people all day because you love that'). Realistically, life isn't fair - some people get careers that pay them a tonne, others have parents that give them houses.

It's a hard bullet to swallow, but I agree comparison is the thief of joy - we have friends who have been able to take 6 months off (both of them - he literally left his job) when their baby was born and now he is starting a new career on an entry-level salary and she is only working 2 days a week. They can do this because they don't need to worry about their income, as his family gifted him a flat in Cambridge mortgage free as a graduate, and I just found out he also owns another family flat too he was given when younger. So for me it's not their earnings that's the jealousy, but that they are so financially comfortable they are able to just say 'sod the career' - despite not having worked for that wealth. And DH and I are very high earners - my point is, there's always someone to be jealous of if you look for it.

even somewhere with 2 beds here is 400k plus.

Whooaaaa!!! That's insanely expensive for a relatively smallish house. If your priority is to own your own home, you should consider moving. For the same amount of money our house costs, we could have maybe bought a small one bed flat where we initially lived. So we moved and now commute. But have a 3 bed with a garden, garage and drive in return so it was worth it. As I said, priorities.

We're the same. I won't feel bitter though...life's too short OP. You'll wish away your best years if you're not careful.

We rent in a beautiful area...yes, we've had to move a few times over the years...but we've always rented lovely places in which we couldn't buy.

Hopefully things will change soon...DH has a new business and it's doing better than we dreamed of.

You've got to make shit happen yourself sometimes. I know you feel that because you work you should be able to buy and you're right...you SHOULD but you can't.

So you have to do more. Start a second income stream...sell things on Ebay or take in laundry.

Whatever it takes. Make more money.

I'd sooner live within my means than be infantilised by living off hand-outs from my parents. Don't suppose they come with no strings/opinions attached!

Do you have a plan?
How much are you saving pm? How long til you will have the needed deposit? If you're not happy with that time period, what will you do to change it? Save a bigger % of your income, look for a higher paying job, change location?

Feeling bitter isn't going to get you anywhere. Taking control of the situation and making a plan might.

Do you want the 2nd bedroom because you plan on having DC soon? They can share with you until they are a toddler.
Or how about a 2 bedroom flat with a roof terrace/balcony?

We are renting with 2DC and hoping to buy this summer/next year...we are looking at 2 bed flats with balconies (mumsnet made me see sense when I was considering getting DS1 to do a 30-45min journey to primary school so we could buy a house).

Nobody does know what's round the corner. Many bought in the 80s and 90s and it went wrong for them. A few people I know have had to downsize because of divorce , or someone has died. My late sil ended up bankrupt and lost her home ( a lot of it was her own fault, but some of it was just bad luck and a horrible relationship break down, lost her job etc) she 'had it all 'for a while and lost it all just as quickly :( she is no longer around now :(

Another person I know is now renting as they had to sell up after a very bitter divorce. Her ex is ok , but she really isn't.
Son has a friend whose mum walked out on her husband and gave up loads ( two homes, money , holidays , a nice life) she was obviously unhappy and is now happier.
I've seen and heard so much over the years to know that not everything is what it seems sometimes.
(If only I had realized that just bricks and mortar could be so financially rewarding years ago but you live and learn , even if that boat had sailed for me now)

@Sacredspace

My friend lives in an amazing detached 9 bedroom period home in a beautiful leafy area. I’m sure she is the envy of many. Unless you know her well, and if you do you will also know that the house came from losing both her parents in tragic circumstances as a teenager.

Poor soul, that is really sad.

It's hard, we have bought a shared ownership whilst saving and overpaying our mortgage to build our equity. We now have enough in the house to buy our next home. The house market has gone nuts where I am (Cambridgeshire) and house prices have inflated. We will be lucky to find a house suitable, but if we can't, we will either stay put and save or sacrifice some things we would like, same as everyone.

Don't feel bitter but have a solid plan to work towards.

It's hard.

I have a lot of sympathy for people trying to buy for the first time now. I bought my first house on my own 20 years ago and could afford a 2 bed with a garden, garage and parking on a teaching salary.

Is there any way you could increase your deposit or earnings? I worked overseas and saved a decent deposit as the cost of living was a lit less and I had accommodation paid for as part of my package.

I know it sounds drastic but it's just one way to increase your money pot.

We bought our own home with no help whatsoever so it does come down to saving. We had no luxuries or nights out for 2 years. We were also better off as we live in an area of Scotland that is beautiful but decent homes are around the £200k mark. Our first home was a crappy little one bedroom flat, we the sold and moved to a 2 bedroom new build apartment and then from there to a 3 bedroom house.

I do agree with you OP that house prices are out of control and that a two income purchase should run to a modest 2 bedroom house.

To be able to afford my little house with a garden I had to make compromises which other friends in their 20s were not willing to make. I bought a flat in a very unappealing tower block on the edge of an estate with a gang warfare reputation. The lift buttons often had saliva on them and there was sometimes worse on the floor of the lift but my actual flat was nice enough (albeit tiny) once I got through the door.

If I hadn't done my time there (5 years) living on £30 a week disposable income in the first year to cover food, social life etc. so that I could chip away at the mortgage then I never would have been able to buy.

To be able to trade up to a house I then had to move 1.5hr from the city I worked in and take up cycling to get to the station as it wasn't walking distance and pay £3k to commute. Again, something many of my peers weren't willing to do.

I don't like the thought that anyone would be bitter that I've got a mortgage while they're renting, especially if they haven't made significant sacrifices to try to get on the property ladder.

If you live somewhere where a small 2 bed is £400k I'd strongly recommend finding the cheaper areas that are commutable to your work.

What would actually be your budget to buy @Bobbin2021, as it seems to me that the issue is where you actually want to live .

Working in that field it does seem to me that the majority of people get help from parents
Not sure if I will be able to do that for mine but will certainly be trying to

The house prices seems very high where you are OP which must be so disheartening. I understand how you feel, where I used to rent years ago was very handy for work and right in the centre of the city. Really lovely area but unless I won the lottery I could never afford to buy there.
Many years on I've bought my own house but had to move out of the central area and now have a substantial commute to work. I still would struggle to buy anything similar to what I have now in my original area but I couldn't have it all. This was my compromise.

Whereabouts are you, op? You must realise that £400k for a two bed isn't the norm everywhere, and you're choosing to live in a more expensive area?

It still hurts that my family did nothing for me, ever - no gifts, no inheritance from anyone. They could have done, but chose not to. Even today I got a twinge of it when an ad on the TV talked about looking after your family & leaving them money. That's not the sort of family I had.

DH & I started with a flat & then moved to a house. We paid for them ourselves, living on next to nothing at one stage. It was very hard for a while, even all those years ago. DH says he prefers that we didn't get any help from anyone, that we did it all ourselves. I would love to have had a normal family, to have got what other people get. I know not everyone gets help. But it really can hurt to see other people getting what you don't, so I sympathise, OP.

Can you look into different ways of starting out in your own home, e.g. a different area, a flat instead of a house, different ways of financing it or getting around the deposit problem?

I agree with other posters, the situation is rubbish but it's not going to change so you need to think of practical steps to change your situation. Every house I've bought (in my 40s now, so there have been several) has involved some sort of compromise. One had no parking. One needed huge amounts of work. One wasn't in the best area. Two have had one fewer bedrooms than I was looking for. Work out what it is you won't compromise on (for me it's the garden) and then start looking at houses. Get yourself on the ladder, and start building up from there

It is utterly rotten to realise that parental handouts so totally skew the lifestyles of people.

But somehow you have to block those thoughts out and focus on you. Because you can't change the fact they have wealthy and generous parents.

£400K would buy you a 4 bed detached here - I guess it depends where you live

I purchased my first house 22 years ago for £28k - 3 bed mid terrace - pretty rough area - but that was all I could afford

It really depends

DH and I only own a home (2 bed, 2 bath garden flat) because his mum died of cancer at 55 and her life insurance policy paid out the max amount of money because she was so young :(.

We love our house, but he misses his mum terribly, especially since we had DS 2 years ago. She didn't live to see any of her sons get married, or to meet her first grandchild.

I'm really just writing this to say that sometimes getting money from family isn't all it's cracked up to be.

@Bobbin2021

I'm sorry but i just don't believe that a two bedroomed home with a small garden/yard and parking should be seen as something that is so luxury and out of reach! I think in fact that it is a sad state of affairs in this country that something like this should be unattainable to two people who are both in full time work.

You're right, it shouldn't be. The South East/West of the UK are scarily expensive. So many people are priced out of buying their own places or prevented from affording rent.. We all need to live somewhere, it's a basic need. I think prices should be capped as it's ludicrous that a basic 2 bed house in the SE can command prices nearing half a million pounds. Wages haven't risen in line with housing. How is this sustainable?

Where are you in the country, roughly? I have family in the south east and in London where you can get a 2 bed house under 400k (not in Knightsbridge I grant you but a short train ride away).

Please don't recommend moving to cheaper areas as it just pushes the problem further out. I live in the north, not the cheapest area of north but increasing numbers are moving in from even more expensive areas leaving those who are already here unable to buy

I absolutely know 400k is nowhere near the norm. Is part of my frustration i guess that prices are so vastly out of control down here in the South East. We are saving, we are budgeting and we are looking at other areas within commuting distance of our jobs so i am trying to remain hopeful we can secure something. But to repeat, i think it is mad that a small basic home should be so out of reach of normal earning folk regardless of where you are in the country.