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Original poster

Please help me to feel less bitter!

220 replies

Bobbin2021 · 14/04/2021 13:25

My husband and I have good jobs and work really hard but are still struggling to be able to afford our dream home. Two bedrooms, a garden and parking. Not much I know but it seems impossible.
Today i've heard another friend who works part time and her husband have bought a two bedroomed home because her father gave her her half of the money. It comes after so many of my friends either have had parents buy property for them so they are mortgage free, or others whose husbands earn enough to secure the mortgage without them being in work (one in a position to buy a 800K house). I realise that some of them also have children so are busy looking after them but it just makes me bitter. No matter how hard we work and save we seem to be unable to find a small home and to others it seems to come so easy. Sorry to rant, and it pains me as i know i should be happy for my friends, but they just have no money worries at all when it comes to securing a mortgage and or paying for it while we would celebrate even being able to afford a small modest home of our own.

OP posts:
AmandaHugenkiss · 14/04/2021 14:28

I sympathise OP, I work in London and ended up moving a 90 minute commute away to buy a small one bed. Spent 4 years building up equity in that, and then bought a 2 bed slightly further out again.

The choice is really suck up renting, accept a long commute or move jobs to a cheaper area.

I hate my commute but love our little house.

dontdisturbmenow · 14/04/2021 14:35

We can't do those things as we have jobs here and we have no intention of driving miles for work or school run (one child, not that it should matter, but I'll be called stupid for having a child if I want a home)
That's a luxury though.

I bought my first property with my partner after our first was born. Me moved 1h 1/2, close to 2h commuting. My OH commuted to his old job everyday. The only job I could find paying enough was 1h30 away, often longer. No nursery was open early enough so my eldest traveled with me in the car every day.

This was the oy way we were able to afford our house. It took three years for us to finally find decent pay (although lower) within a shorter commute (still 45 to 1 hour away) and another 10 years to fi so something local.

That was the price to pay. It was really tough but no regrets.

Stellaris22 · 14/04/2021 14:37

I think a lot of people are missing the point of just how bad the housing situation is.

When the only option is a one bed flat then that's not ok. When people do save money and have well paying jobs, but still are priced out of the housing market, that's a problem with sky high house prices, not the individual.

Charley50 · 14/04/2021 14:38

@Bobbin2021 - I knew your post would be about home-owning and I agree with you. The housing market in the UK is fucked and unfair, and only works for some lucky people.

Yes with two people working you should be able to get a mortgage on a flat or house.

TheFlis12345 · 14/04/2021 14:38

You have to decide what is important and what you are able to compromise on. DH and I would have loved a small house in London but it was unaffordable. So we moved out of town, and even here we couldn’t get everything we wanted with our budget so chose an extra bedroom as we both now work from home, and sacrificed parking to get that.

emilyfrost · 14/04/2021 14:39

@Bobbin2021

I'm sorry but i just don't believe that a two bedroomed home with a small garden/yard and parking should be seen as something that is so luxury and out of reach! I think in fact that it is a sad state of affairs in this country that something like this should be unattainable to two people who are both in full time work.
You aren’t willing to make the compromises to own a home 🤷‍♀️
MindGrapes · 14/04/2021 14:41

@Stellaris22

I think a lot of people are missing the point of just how bad the housing situation is.

When the only option is a one bed flat then that's not ok. When people do save money and have well paying jobs, but still are priced out of the housing market, that's a problem with sky high house prices, not the individual.

Absolutely. I saved and borrowed from parents and as I said, sacrificed certain things in order to buy a flat with my DH who had a well-paying job.

If it was today, it would not be possible. The figures wouldn't add up for the mortgage needed.

Lots of people literally can't do the maths on this and assume earnings to house prices is roughly the same ratio as it was 10, 20 years ago, let alone when our parents were our age!

Original poster
Bobbin2021 · 14/04/2021 14:45

I'm just going to pop this here - www.thisismoney.co.uk/money/mortgageshome/article-9388767/First-time-buyer-deposits-12k-year-average-buyer-putting-59k.html

OP posts:
Plumtree391 · 14/04/2021 14:46

Feeling bitter will not solve anything. There will always be situations in which some people have an easier ride than others.

Purchasing a house is currently quite difficult so you are not alone. My children haven't done so yet but they don't seem that bothered by it, nor resent any of their friends who are home owners. They'llget there in the end and - so will you eventually.

Never compare yourself to others, everyone has difficulties in life.

the80sweregreat · 14/04/2021 14:51

I did suggest to my two sons about buying something together, was met with negativity! I think it's a good idea myself , but they are not keen. It might be a way around some of their buying problems and get them out of my way too !
They do get on, but are chalk and cheese personality wise.
Might have to try again.

IEat · 14/04/2021 14:53

My parents never offered, they had their own lives and finances. I’m in no position to help my adult DS and doubt I’ll help DD when she’s an adult
My wages in a job a love covers bills etc and I save for stuff and we have holidays etc my savings are crap as I spent them during lockdown. My kids have no expectations that I will magic up 20k as deposit for their home. I could train to work for higher wages but then my hours would increase but I don’t want the stress is the extra work

I’m grateful for what I have
I live on a crap estate in the city. I close the front door and it’s my home and it’s nice.
Don’t keep up with the Jones’ you’ll drive yourself insane
Live your life, it’s not all about materialistic items it’s about being happy and content within yourself

Sittingonabench · 14/04/2021 14:56

I agree with you in general regarding the housing situation however it is not the entire country (not to the extent you are talking of anyway), it is London. The north east, Scotland, many areas between London and these areas you would certainly be able to afford. The problem is the area you want to live in is expensive as there is high demand and that in turn keeps prices high... unfortunately compromise will likely be the only solution. Have you considered opportunities for work in other regions? I understand support networks are a key consideration too.

ElderMillennial · 14/04/2021 14:56

I can understand why you would feel this way OP but honestly while there is always someone better off than you there is also always someone worse off. No one has everything all the time.

oonveijv2021 · 14/04/2021 14:58

you are absoultely not being unreasonable. i also find it so wrong that public sector employees dont get paid enough to buy near to their work if they are in the South East/London. It's totally wrong and the UK is a low wage economic with very little social mobility so wealth beggest wealth. It's crap and no amount of eating avocados is enough to save for a deposit in places like the South East.

felineflutter · 14/04/2021 14:59

DH and I wanted to move to the SE in our 20s where all DH's family are from but jobs and house prices stopped the move.

We live in a nondescript town in the North Midlands, nothing wrong with that, but it wasn't where we wanted to be. However we are grateful for what we have now. High income, big house and garden and well on the way to paying our mortgage off.

You can buy a nice 4 bedroom, detached house for £300k. I'm afraid you need to move or stop moaning there is nothing else to do really.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 14/04/2021 15:01

@Bobbin2021

I'm sorry but i just don't believe that a two bedroomed home with a small garden/yard and parking should be seen as something that is so luxury and out of reach! I think in fact that it is a sad state of affairs in this country that something like this should be unattainable to two people who are both in full time work.
I agree. The UK is a very unequal society and people are very accepting of this so it will continue as it has for centuries.
the80sweregreat · 14/04/2021 15:04

I was bitter for a few years over things like this but I soon learnt that it's a waste of time as it won't change anything. My parents and in laws rented a council place all their life and were never made to feel any different to people that had bought their home.
They never said they ever regretted their choices, they couldn't afford to buy and didn't want to move away from the areas they were brought up in, so they just carried on being tenants. There were upsides to renting for them and it suited them all to do this.
Owning a home can also be difficult and they are ( mostly) money pits. Ours is old and will always need something doing to it. It is a huge responsibility especially , as you age yourself.
Our parents did have low rents to find compared to privately renting these days though.
The housing situation will become a crisis eventually I think plus our own one and will probably go towards care home fees too ( which is a different thread altogether)

Plumtree391 · 14/04/2021 15:08

We can't do those things as we have jobs here and we have no intention of driving miles for work or school run (one child, not that it should matter, but I'll be called stupid for having a child if I want a home)

No you won't, lots of people have a child in rented accommodation. I've known people have more than one. They eventually buy somewhere but have had happy lives while renting. It really is quality of life that matters.

CleverCatty · 14/04/2021 15:09

I've bought (still got mortgage though!) after divorcing a few years ago. Not sure I'd want DH back now and was mutual divorce.

SIL of DB had her DF die - so now she and her DH and DC are buying with very small mortgage (they bought a warehouse flat in a nice part of London but it was tied in with her DM etc helping her) a nice Victorian house in a nice part of London. Swings and roundabouts and she'd rather have her DF alive.

SweatyBetty20 · 14/04/2021 15:09

I got a leg up on the ladder because my parents died before I was 35. Not trying to make you feel shit at all - sometimes they'll have been given a chunk when parents downsized etc, but sometimes it's because someone has died and left them some money. My friends sometimes make comments about how "it's easy for me", but forget that they still have parents, and their kids have grandparents. My brother also died last month so there's just me left from our little family unit. I'm not married, have no kids, and would give away everything I owned, including this house, to have them all back.

But I can't, so I have a house with a small mortgage.

Fairystory · 14/04/2021 15:11

Surely there aren't that many people with parents who can afford to give them 50% of the cost of a house or who earn enough to get a mortgage on a house in the south east with one income. Most people are definitely not in that position.

SwedishK · 14/04/2021 15:13

I think all of us who live in what we consider our dream home started off somewhere that really wasn't. If you are renting now, I think that's your downfall. You would be better off buying a 1 bed, no garden, no parking and live in that. Whilst that hopefully appreciates in value, you also save each month as renting is usually much more money than paying a mortgage. After a few years you will be in a much better position to move up the ladder.

whataboutbob · 14/04/2021 15:14

@SweatyBetty20 what you say resonates with me. I have no grandparents or parents left. My bro is disabled and my responsibility, although I am blessed to have 2 kids. But they never knew their lovely grandma who died well before they were born . I’d give anything to have one day with her again.

Sacredspace · 14/04/2021 15:15

My friend lives in an amazing detached 9 bedroom period home in a beautiful leafy area. I’m sure she is the envy of many. Unless you know her well, and if you do you will also know that the house came from losing both her parents in tragic circumstances as a teenager.

Notmoresugar · 14/04/2021 15:16

Be careful what you wish for.
Bitter is a very strong and ugly emotion.
Don't think i don't understand your feel pain, but be very thankful for what you have got - I have known people like your friends with everything only to get seriously ill and are unfortunately no longer with us!!

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